Author: K

Deconstructing, then reconstructing

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After deconstructing and finally reconstructing my faith, I’ve found a church 15 minutes away from me that is diverse (many races and ethnicities) AND inclusive (LGBTQ+ and others).

When I started my journey of looking for churches, all I came across were mainline churches primarily made up of white people. Specifically older, white people. I’ve been token Black person before and it was a role I did not like. Me having to count whether I was the darkest-skinned person in the room or if there was someone else like me.

I did Google searches like crazy trying to find a church that even looked diverse. A church that was openly LGBTQ+ affirming. I searched for months and just couldn’t find any place I wanted to visit.

Then my current church came up and I checked out their website. They had different races of people, different ages, different genders, and different sexual orientations. Not excluding any group of people was an important aspect for me. To not judge. Or rather, learn NOT to judge.

I began attending the 8:30 services, which felt like more of a cozy Bible study rather than a pontific church service. I had the opportunity to meet the senior pastor, the elders, the deacons, and the interns. The pastoral leadership looked as diverse as their website showed. No token people, good expository preaching, and hey!—a female pastor! Couldn’t get any better. Finally, when I felt comfortable enough at the church, I switched to the 10 o’clock service. I attended a few times before venturing to bring my kids with me.

My daughter loved it. She had never been around so many people. Especially those who sang and danced. She had fun picking up flags and waving it around during the worship time. But there’s a toddler room open and she enjoys being there, too. My son who’s going into third grade, sits with me during worship before he gets dismissed for children’s church. He’s uninterested in song worship so I usually have to take books along with me for him to read. But he seems happy to go to children’s church.

I’m slowly trying to become more involved with church activities. I am pretty nervous about putting myself back out there because there’s always the risk of getting hurt. And I’ve been burned by 2 churches and I don’t want to get burned by another one. I think if things went sideways with my current church, I probably would no longer attend church for a long time. Being vulnerable is a 2-edged sword: you can create some very good relationships but you can also get extremely hurt.

So here I am, trying to be vulnerable with my church (probably the last church I will be) and accept love, compassion, and care. From everyone there.

All Things Must Pass

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I’ve been going through old blog posts, scanning them for any topics I want to revisit. What struck me most is how much my blog was a product of its time. Except for, perhaps, YouTube clips that haven’t been taken down, most of the media I linked to is defunct.

One of the video sites I used, Vodpod, no longer exists so most of my videos have disappeared. I linked to Grooveshark and that no longer exists either. Does anyone use last.fm anymore?

I created other blogs that were deleted or hidden from view. I’m weirdly organized in an “all over the place” kind of way. I’m not neat. But for the most part, I’m organized. I usually know where everything is or where everything is supposed to go. But that doesn’t mean it’s been done neatly.

I suppose I choose efficiency over being neat. I love looking at minimalistic designs like in the Nordic regions and Japanese culture.

I am not neat enough to keep it looking like that, but it is aesthetically pleasing to my eyes.

George Harrison sang, “All Things Must Pass.” And I feel like that’s so true of things as I’ve grown up. Online store profits beat those of brick-and-mortar stores. J.C. Penney’s and Woolworth’s are no longer household names. Napster was the IT music site back in the day. I do believe there will come a time when Amazon, Facebook, Microsoft, and Google will eventually fade away and yield to something new and snappier. Vine died so that TikTok could live. Will anyone know what TikTok is in 20 years? I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see.

Over the hill and through the woods

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I turned 40 this year. I’m officially middle-aged and old. I’ve decided at 40 I am not taking any prisoners and have decided that I won’t allow people to fuck with me.

What the hell does that mean?

Continue reading “Over the hill and through the woods” →

I am no longer Aunt Jemima

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Wow. I reread a blog post of mine from 2017 and realize I have changed a lot of the positions I held 5 years ago. Consider the following:

I have since learned that several members of the black community have turned their backs on me after learning that I am pro-life and do not support Planned Parenthood. If this is what isolates me from the black community, so be it. I will fight for the right for developing cells/human beings/fetuses/babies to live.

–Me

I won’t get into details about this, but I think Planned Parenthood (PP) provides a very good service to underserved communities and is an important part of the American healthcare system. I had a personal experience with PP (not an abortion) that convinced me to change my mind.

And then there’s the issue of reparations for black people. No, thank you. White people can keep their money and their land. See how well reparations worked out for Native Americans? Government-protected reservations with high crime rate, high gambling problems, high suicide rate, high drug use, and high alcohol use. Nope. No support for reparations from this here colored girl.

–Me

I have changed my position on this as well. Mainly because I’ve read about how the US and France economically ripped financial independence from Haiti. The New York Times performed an exposé on how Haiti has become one of the poorest countries in the world. And after reading the articles, I now believe that Haitians are overdue for reparations from the US and France. If I feel this way about my Haitian heritage, who am I to argue against slavery reparations from the US? The US done a lotta stuff wrong and they needs to go about making it right. I don’t care if it costs billions of dollars. The US prints money on air. Haitians and Black Americans need the US government to acknowledge its harm done to Black people in both countries. And they need to monetize that somehow. France needs to do it for Haiti, too. I encourage you to read all of the New York Times articles regarding to the Haiti project.

So the long and short of it is, black people and I just don’t get along. It’s taken me 35 years to realize this but better now than later. I will never have a black BFF. And I need to be OK with that. Because I have so many wonderful friends—of all other races, though mostly white—who I can rely on.

–Me

I get along pretty well with just people of color in general now. It’s been wonderful to have diversity within my friendships and community. One of my BFFs, the wife of one of my cousins, is El Salvadorian (and helping me to learn Spanish!). In a previous job, I worked with so many BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) that I realized it wasn’t just about skin color. It’s about who they are as people. And so many of them were wonderful. And as BIPOC, we were able to share experiences with each other in ways that white people could not understand.

I’ll probably never have a Black BFF and that’s okay. But I’m friends with a lot of first-generation Americans who are BIPOC. I have learned to surround myself with supportive people no matter their race. And that’s all that really matters.

Except no lie, I didn’t want to go to an all-white church and be the token Black person. But that’s another rant for another day.

Beachbody Exercise & Nutrition Programs

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www.beachbodyondemand.com

As I talk about my Beachbody on Demand (BOD) kick, I’m currently going through an exercise program called LIIFT4. It’s weight lifting combined with high-intensity interval training (HIIT). Other than 80-Day Obsession, I don’t know that I’ve been this consistent with an exercise program.

I took my progress photos, took my measurements, and recorded my starting weight. I’m slightly discouraged because I’ve only lost 9 lb since January 2022, and wish I could make better progress. I’m beginning to dial in my nutrition and focus on eating more vegetables in my diet. I’ve tried the 2 nutrition plans they have, Portion Fix and 2B Mindset, but I’ve only had real success with Portion Fix. 2B is an easier plan to follow. There’s a plan but the main rule is to drink 16 oz of water before a meal and have mostly veggies. I’m a carbavore so I’d rather take a few carbs in my Portion Fix container than find a meal that has nothing but veggies and a little bit of protein. That’s just my preference.

The other problem is that I eat out a lot. I do not meal prep. I don’t like cooking and my husband doesn’t like cleaning up the dishes after I cook. I need to learn how to grill chicken so I buy salads and throw them on top.

(Oh, and btw, I like vegetables and fruit with pesticides, thankyouverymuch. I’m not against organic stuff but they’re more likely to have bugs in them.) And really, what does organic mean anyway?

Continue reading “Beachbody Exercise & Nutrition Programs” →

Developing My Exercise Habits

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I’ve been a member of Beachbody on Demand (BOD) since August 2, 2017. At first I didn’t really use it and then somehow got into exercising at 3 am and did programs like 21-Day Fix and 80-Day Obsession. I actually stopped 80-Day Obsession in 2018 because of pregnancy but ruined my habit of regularly exercising by not doing the prenatal workouts.

After I had my daughter in 2019, it was really hard to get back into the habit of exercising again. Even after the newborn stage. I considered canceling my BOD membership because I was so inconsistent and “undedicated.”

Fast forward to May 2, 2021. Somehow I decided, right then and there, that I’d make a commitment to exercising. We went on vacation, and I still tried to exercise in the morning while the kids were asleep. I tried to exercise as much as I could in our new home that we moved into in late 2019. BOD dubs 21-Day Fix as a “beginner” program, but it’s actually quite difficult. (I’d label it as Intermediate, if you ask me.) It started out as 7 workouts to repeat over the course of 3 weeks, but now they’ve re-recorded it for “real time” as if you’re doing a different workout for each of the 21 days. (So 21 new episodes that provide variety instead of watching the same 7 workouts on repeat.)

But I started out with 21-Day Fix (not real time) and completed the program. What was next? I think I did T25 for a bit but didn’t really commit to that program. Then came Morning Meltdown 100. 100 different workouts. Could I commit?

Continue reading “Developing My Exercise Habits” →

An about-face

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I’m done having kids, especially for the sake of my mental health. If I were to have an accident, I would have to terminate the pregnancy. It really, mentally, is life or death for me, and I have to choose my life.

What a turnaround from being “pro-life”! What happened that I’m now pro-choice?

Continue reading “An about-face” →

Audience of One

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A painting by Sophia Foutres
Art by Sophia Foutres

I went to a Pride event over the weekend to support my church, and my elder, Sophia, who was selling her art. I glanced over her art, mostly deciding to observe and not buy.

Then I saw a piece of art titled “Audience of One.”

If you wonder why this piece of art struck me and spoke to me, please scroll to the top of this blog and look at my tagline.

I attended a prayer meeting at my church last Tuesday and it’s named “Prophetic Prayer and Worship.” Definitely lots of worship. We did some praying but my prayers were mostly self-centered.

  • I am too blessed to be here.
  • Everything is going right in my life. Other people need prayer more than I do.
  • I don’t deserve to be here

I decided that once the meeting had ended, I would slip out quietly and alone, as I usually tend to do.

Sophia saw me from across the room and came over to welcome me. I exchanged words with her briefly before a woman in the Children’s Ministry came over to me and said, “I have a Word for you.” I stared at her, baffled, because I had no idea what that meant.

She said, “God told me to tell you that ‘he hears you, he sees you, he loves you, and he is with you.’ Does that mean anything?”

And in a few minutes, I was crying because those were all of the things that I felt like God wasn’t doing. I cried for quite a bit, but it’s something I needed. God could’ve chosen anyone else in the world to talk to. But he chose me. Or even if it wasn’t “God,” the lady felt compelled to tell me those things out of everyone else in the room.

So I’ve been seeing God’s hand in different things and speaking to me in different ways ever since.

So when I came across the painting above, I definitely knew that wasn’t a coincidence—that was God speaking to me in the most important way he knew how.

Signs and symbols are different for everyone, but God knows just how to speak to me and reach me.

He hears me. He sees me. He loves me. He is with me.

No expiration date

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I should probably do a review of previous blog posts and strike out anything I don’t believe anymore. This blog is 13 years old and I’ve evolved, changed, and grown, especially on the topic of homosexuality.

I started this blog after depression introspection to talk about all things personal. Nonsensical and random, really. Depression introspection focused solely on the topic of mental health. This blog was about me. My thoughts. My feelings. It still IS about me no matter how rarely I use it.

These past few years have been a whirlwind. I’ve blogged about it here and there from time to time, but a full update is overdue.

I have 2 kids: a son and a daughter. My husband and I have been together for almost 19 years. After going through a season of infertility for so long and trying to conceive, it is weird to be in a stage of life where I’m no longer actively pursuing building a family. My family is built. And I feel complete.

I left a job I was at for 5 years to pursue a new opportunity that I thought would help me grow. It did help me grow, and I’m grateful for the experience, but…I didn’t even last a full year at the job. It wasn’t a good fit for me. But I learned new things and expanded my knowledge so I don’t regret my time there.

Now I’m at a new job where I’ve been working for a little over 3 months. I…love it. It has a great work/life balance, I get paid more, and the people I work with (from bottom to top) are completely awesome. I love my boss and his boss and his boss. No one in my department seems too haughty to work with, and I appreciate that people—especially upper management—are available and accessible to everyone. And everyone seems to have a vital role and isn’t just there for the sake of being there.

I mentioned this in early 2020, but we bought a house. It’s open concept and spacious, but it feels kinda small (in terms of bedroom space) ever since the pandemic. My office is open office (like an office setting, I suppose), which doesn’t allow for much privacy. But I make it work somehow.

I’m thinking about getting a dog. My son is deathly afraid of dogs and needs to get over his fear. He is scared to wait at the bus stop because one of the parents of a kid at the bus stop walks their dog at the same time. Of course, the one dog I introduced him to at 3 was not a dog friendly to kids and that has traumatized him ever since.

I just finished potty training my daughter. She still hasn’t gotten the hang of number 2, but she’ll get it in time. I’m never potty training a kid again.

I’m sure there’s more news that I’m not thinking of, but that’s the update on my life. Myself, job, family, and home.

Friends? They’re around somewhere…

2022 Goals

~ K ~ 3 Comments

@vikayatskina on freepik.com

The last time I posted an entry to this blog was July 5, 2021. It’s now June 4, 2022, and I’m posting my goals mid-year. I’ve had an urge to begin blogging again, but I’ve set my mind to it before and have never been able to commit. At least for now, I will post my 2022 goals. For a long time, I’ve struggled against having goals because I was focusing too much on trying to survive and be a full-time working mom. What did goals really matter in the end anyway? The days of reading 500+ books in a year and attending conferences were no longer a thing.

But why can’t I bring them back in a revised fashion?

A few things from my 2020 goals (since I didn’t post goals for 2021):

  1. Read 6 full books for the year.
  2. Exercise 1x per week for at least 10 minutes.
  3. Meditate 3 days per week.
  4. Eat 1500 calories or fewer 2x per week.
  5. Blog or journal 3 days per week.
  6. Morning devotions (Bible reading & prayer) 1x per week.
  7. Duolingo: 4x per week for at least 15 minutes.
  8. Go to church 4 times this year.
  9. Visit New York 4 times this year.
  10. Self-care once per month.

Updated 2022 goals (ambitious for only 6 months left!):

  1. Read 1 book in its entirety this year. (And I’m making sure that’s The Doctor by C.S. Poe.)
  2. Exercise 3-4x per week for 15 minutes or more. (Currently doing LIIFT4 on Beachbody on Demand and looking forward to LIIFT More in August!)
  3. Pray 3-4x per week before exercising.
  4. Track my nutrition on MyFitness Pal and BOD tracking (Portion Fix).
  5. Blog 1x per week. (Let’s see if this is attainable!)
  6. Journal at least 1x per week. (Stuff you’ll never see. Muahahaha.)
  7. Go to church 2x per month. (I attend a new church!)
  8. Schedule 2 massages for the rest of the year.
  9. Do the best that I can at the job I have. (This is a vague, nonmeasurable goal, I know.)
  10. Learn to be as productive as I can from other women who are inspiring. (This is also a vague, nonmeasurable goal, but it’s here.)

Here they are. Let’s see what happens by January 2023.

What’s wrong with being confident?

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What’s wrong with being
What’s wrong with being
What’s wrong with being confident?

– Demi Lovato, “Confident”

Trying to figure out why I’m not very confident in myself and who I am. I’m a pretty badass person if I think about it. Yet I still struggle with depression and feeling worthless and not valuable when I’m not working. I tie my worth to my job and as wrong as I know that is, I don’t know how to separate my worth from my career.

A lot of things matter: my kids, my husband, my family, my friends. And yet, I’m still here struggling over my purpose and why I’m here and what the whole point of my existence is. It’s hard to accept that I’m just a cog in the wheel of this big world. Especially when I look at people like Beyoncé, Rihanna, and even Michelle Obama, it’s like, how am I impacting this world for good? They can do it on this massive global scale. And I can’t even do it on a local scale.

Evolved thoughts on race

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I no longer agree with nearly anything I wrote in this post: The Inflated Race Card and the New Era of Racial Inequality. Somehow, I’ve done a complete 180 and my views on race since the early 2010s have completely changed. Maybe it’s so I gain acceptance within the Black community? Or maybe it’s because how I’ve seen violence is perpetuated toward people of a certain skin color.

It’s suddenly occurred to me that I have trauma from Black spaces. So much the opposite of what most Black people encounter. Although I guess I do have trauma from white evangelicalism. So much trauma and stuff to unpack.

Losing my religion

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I’m trying to figure out when the deconstruction of my Christian faith began.

Was it as early as March 2011 when egalitarian seeds began to plant inside of me? Was it as early as April 2011 when I began to question the existence of a literal heaven and hell? (Was Rob Bell ahead of his time?)

What about December 2012 when Rachel Held Evans prompted me to read the Bible through the lens of a modern-day woman? Maybe April 2015 when I ruminated on my dalliance with Catholicism? Or perhaps November 2015 when my church foundation bottomed out and I felt adrift, with nowhere to hold on to?

Or even maybe as recent as October 2019 when I discovered the #exvangelical community on Twitter?

It is now January 2021. And I hold to 3 basic beliefs:

  1. I affirm a living, loving, and everlasting God.
  2. I affirm believe in Jesus Christ as the son of God.
  3. I affirm a belief in the Holy Spirit who serves as my conscience.

Yo. Everything else is now game. What a departure from when I first started this blog in 2009. And even more so, depression introspection in 2006.

Here I am. Standing at a road where I whole-heartedly agree with everything in this post. Don’t mind me while I quote some notables:

My leaving is not leaving God. It is leaving the people who claim to speak for him.

I believe…
1. God is love.
2. To show love is to be godly
3. If God is God he will reveal himself in his own way to anyone who seeks to love and through love know him.
4. Women deserve a seat at every table including the clergy and that separate but equal is not equal at all. Male headship is patriarchy and an unfair burden for both men and women.
5. I reject purity culture, and any form of spirituality that forces an individual to choose between their sexuality and their spirituality. Wholeness and health does not come through cutting off one part of yourself to appease another.
6. I affirm all of my LGBTQ siblings fully and completely and without caveat.
7. I reject all efforts to use faith to gain or preserve influence and power.

I agree with all of this. In an era where people like Josh Harris, of I Kissed Dating Goodbye fame, comes out as no longer Christian, anything can happen.

In which a college guy dates a teenage girl

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Photo by Godisable Jacob on Pexels.com

I’ve decided that for a while I’m going to write about things in my past. For example, when I was 17, I got involved with a 21-year-old college male. We never had a physical sexual relationship but now being a 38-year-old woman realize how odd and strange it was. From a teenager girl’s point of view, it was a dream—to be dating a college guy! Looking back as an adult, I realize how stupid I was. But teenagers don’t realize this. They just want to be grown up and they think the way of growing up is to get involved with an older guy. Especially college guys because college guys are cool.

I didn’t really have any trauma from it. He was a nice, sweet kind man and respected my boundaries. We did do some intimate stuff, probably stuff I shouldn’t have done as a new Christian, but it was exciting to do something different I’d never done before.

I remember his name. His full name. He has a unique Ukranian or Polish name so I’m sure any search results for him would pop up instantly. But I purposely haven’t looked him up. Would he remember the teenager from the 90s? And why of all things should I try to contact a man who thought it would be a good idea to date a teenage girl? I’ll always wonder what happened to him but I choose not to find out.