What kind of mother do I want to be?

I’ve gotten over the hump of worrying about my little Boo-Boo in daycare. Right now, I’m concerned about finances. About getting ahead. And I just don’t feel like my family will ever get ahead unless I’m working consistently at a high-paying job. Of course, I have no idea what kind of high-paying job I could do, but I have a bachelor’s degree. That could get me somewhere, right?

Sigh.

I do feel less guilt about putting my son in daycare and in the hands of a part-time nanny for the month. (OMG, I really just said part-time nanny. I never thought those words would ever come from me.)

One thing I appreciate about my postpartum therapist is the practical advice she gives me to make life better for my family. Not jumping out of moving cars ranks high on my list. But putting my son in daycare recently has been a Godsend. Right now, my therapist wants me to focus on… me. Getting better for myself so I can be well for my family. That includes working on my mental health, beefing up my spiritual health, and calming my emotional health. I have been very nervous, anxious, and panicky lately dealing with postpartum anxiety.

—

What kind of mother do I want to be? One who always puts forth an air of perfection or is real and is willing to make mistakes? I need to be real and make mistakes. My mother puts on an air of perfection for me and won’t own up to her mistakes. I don’t want to be that kind of mother.