Tag: trust

Painting Pictures of Egypt

~ K ~ 1 Comment

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

—Sara Groves, “Painting Pictures of Egypt“

I recently moved to a new home. A house. My husband and I are first-time homeowners. I have 2 kids now. A lot has changed. I was in our apartment since I first moved to Pennsylvania in 2006. We moved to our new home in December 2019. 13 years there. 13 whole years. That’s over a decade and time to plant yourself somewhere. Especially for renting.

Now I’m in my new home—house—I miss my apartment. I miss the memories. I miss the familiarity. I miss the convenience. I lived right across the street from the train station, was near a nice library, and around the block from good friends. Everything was in walking distance with access to various restaurants. It was a walkable town. It felt more like the suburbs of Long Island in which I grew up.

Continue reading “Painting Pictures of Egypt” →

Trusting God

~ K ~ 1 Comment

“I can’t trust God right now.” — a 7-year-old I know

How many times have I wanted to say this? How many times have I even thought it but was too afraid to speak it?

I am reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller in which he encourages his readers to pray like little children, blurting out whatever’s on their minds—unpolished and unvarnished. There’s no double-speak like the Pharisees. God would rather hear from me, “I can’t trust You right now” than “Lord, I am trusting You” when it’s really not true. Of course, it’s always good to follow up “I can’t trust You right now; help me to trust You” like the man prayed in Mark 9:24 “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!”

I am in a time in my life where things aren’t exactly how I planned them. I planned:

  • To be married at 25
  • Have kids at 30
  • Have a thriving career in the newspaper/magazine industry

I got married at 23, almost 30 without kids, and ZERO career in the industry of choice.

The career thing often bothers me most, in some ways, more so than dealing with infertility. There should be a support group for people mourning the careers they never had or could’ve had.

My career is on the fringe as a proofreader for an ad agency and a manuscript editor. Yes, I get to do more than some people do, but at the same time, the income is unsteady. There are many fits and starts. I don’t know if and when the next job will come through. I work at the library to support these goals, but I know God is telling me to be patient, to trust Him in these uncertain times. To trust that He will provide the next job if and when he does so. It’s a scary thing to know that if your husband dies, you may not be able to support yourself.

I can’t trust God right now. But I hope He will give me grace and strength to trust in Him anyway.

Are You There, God? I’d Really Like An Answer.

~ K ~ 8 Comments

I’ve been going through an incredibly difficult time on a personal level and have been really struggling in my faith. I often function based on feelings (yeah, yeah, I know, feelings aren’t reliable) and lately I’ve had the need to feel that God loves me. And I’m constantly met with… silence. Continue reading “Are You There, God? I’d Really Like An Answer.” →

Day 19 of Enjoying God: Sovereignty

~ K ~ Leave a comment

It is January 12 and all day I have been wanting to blog about Haiti. But the recent situation in Arizona weighs heavy on my heart as well.

I am not going to pontificate on why God allowed these tragedies to happen. (I was not too happy at this time last year.) But what I have learned in the past year since the Haiti earthquake and continue to keep in mind in light of the Arizona shooting is that God is sovereign—He is in control of all of these situations.

I don’t understand God’s mind, and I can’t explain why He didn’t prevent any of these things when, on many levels, it seems as if He could have kept them from happening. But as a believer in His son Jesus Christ, I will attempt to rest in the knowledge that the finite cannot ever fully understand the mind of the infinite and His ways are much greater than mine. A recurring theme in enjoying God right now is trust, and in all of these things, God is constantly asking me: Will you trust me? Will you trust that my judgment is in everyone’s best interest?

God challenges me and tells me in Jeremiah that He knows the plans He has for us, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give us a future and a hope. And then I wonder about the kind of future a dead 9-year-old has and the hope her parents have. Trust is not always easy.

It is during these times that I find myself a bit somber but also a bit more willing to give up control because I have no control over these situations. I have to rely on the fact that an omniscient, omnipotent God does. Otherwise the world goes to”hell in a hand basket” (as they say) and thinking that way gives me no comfort or peace at all.

Day 17 of Enjoying God: Sleep (in Heavenly Peace)

~ K ~ 1 Comment
Image from indianasleep.com

In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety. —Psalm 4:8

I’m writing this right now because I’m tired and could really use some sleep.

But I think it’s also interesting that in Psalm 4:8, the psalmist chooses to sleep in peace. The psalmist is able to comfortably lay his head down because he trusts in the Lord to protect Him and take care of Him. (There’s that pesky trust word again.)

The Bible has a lot to say on different aspects about sleep but sleeping in peace throughout the Bible represents a healthy fear of the Lord. Not necessarily the fear and trembling aspect but the reverential sovereign awe attributed to the God of the universe. It is only when when we are able to respect (deference to a right, privilege, privileged position; proper acceptance; acknowledgment) God’s place in our lives that we are able to sleep soundly in peace and without fear (being afraid).

Perhaps this should have been a post on fear of the Lord, but it was cool to discover how to enjoy God through the peace and restfulness He provides us with, even in our sleep. (Ah, rest… a topic for another day.)

The fear of the LORD leads to life, so that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil. —Proverbs 19:23

Day 16 of Enjoying God: Trust

~ K ~ Leave a comment
Image from anna.aero

Trust isn’t necessarily so much an attribute of God that I need to enjoy as much as I need to employ this quality in myself to enjoy God more.

Issues of trust also lead into issues of control. The thing is, I’m a control freak, and I have this crazy idea that I know things better than God does. (Also see Day 12: Contentment.) If God would just give me control of this, everything would turn out okay. I don’t ever say this out loud but through my actions, I like to tell Jesus, “Hey, buddy, pull over and let me drive. I think I can navigate this messy New York traffic a whole lot better than you can.”

To be clichéd and quote Carrie Underwood’s 2005 hit song, I need to let “Jesus Take the Wheel.” In my life, Jesus is akin to a seasoned NYC taxicab driver who can get me to where I need to go while minimizing all the bumps along the way. Sometimes, like in a NYC taxicab, I use my imaginary emergency brake because I think I could do a whole lot better but Jesus knows what he is doing and (unlike real NYC taxicabs) he never puts me in unnecessary danger.

The crazy thing about the Christian life is that believers in Jesus have a hard time handing over the lease on their lives to the man they call their Lord and Savior. However, these same people have very little problem handing over their lives to a pilot (they’ve never met and don’t even know) on a plane.

Perhaps it’s time for me to place at least as much trust in Someone I claim to have a personal relationship with as the unknown guy who takes my plane 39,000 feet in the air and then safely lands it.