Tag: Sara Groves

Audience of One

~ K ~ Leave a comment
A painting by Sophia Foutres
Art by Sophia Foutres

I went to a Pride event over the weekend to support my church, and my elder, Sophia, who was selling her art. I glanced over her art, mostly deciding to observe and not buy.

Then I saw a piece of art titled “Audience of One.”

If you wonder why this piece of art struck me and spoke to me, please scroll to the top of this blog and look at my tagline.

I attended a prayer meeting at my church last Tuesday and it’s named “Prophetic Prayer and Worship.” Definitely lots of worship. We did some praying but my prayers were mostly self-centered.

  • I am too blessed to be here.
  • Everything is going right in my life. Other people need prayer more than I do.
  • I don’t deserve to be here

I decided that once the meeting had ended, I would slip out quietly and alone, as I usually tend to do.

Sophia saw me from across the room and came over to welcome me. I exchanged words with her briefly before a woman in the Children’s Ministry came over to me and said, “I have a Word for you.” I stared at her, baffled, because I had no idea what that meant.

She said, “God told me to tell you that ‘he hears you, he sees you, he loves you, and he is with you.’ Does that mean anything?”

And in a few minutes, I was crying because those were all of the things that I felt like God wasn’t doing. I cried for quite a bit, but it’s something I needed. God could’ve chosen anyone else in the world to talk to. But he chose me. Or even if it wasn’t “God,” the lady felt compelled to tell me those things out of everyone else in the room.

So I’ve been seeing God’s hand in different things and speaking to me in different ways ever since.

So when I came across the painting above, I definitely knew that wasn’t a coincidence—that was God speaking to me in the most important way he knew how.

Signs and symbols are different for everyone, but God knows just how to speak to me and reach me.

He hears me. He sees me. He loves me. He is with me.

Painting Pictures of Egypt

~ K ~ 1 Comment

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

—Sara Groves, “Painting Pictures of Egypt“

I recently moved to a new home. A house. My husband and I are first-time homeowners. I have 2 kids now. A lot has changed. I was in our apartment since I first moved to Pennsylvania in 2006. We moved to our new home in December 2019. 13 years there. 13 whole years. That’s over a decade and time to plant yourself somewhere. Especially for renting.

Now I’m in my new home—house—I miss my apartment. I miss the memories. I miss the familiarity. I miss the convenience. I lived right across the street from the train station, was near a nice library, and around the block from good friends. Everything was in walking distance with access to various restaurants. It was a walkable town. It felt more like the suburbs of Long Island in which I grew up.

Continue reading “Painting Pictures of Egypt” →

10 Songs That Comprise the Soundtrack of My Life

~ K ~ 1 Comment

I’ve put together a musical playlist of my life and what I hope my future entails. The following 10 songs express some kind of hope, things that I’ve gone through, or how I feel. They are in no particular order.

  1. This Journey Is My Own: Sara Groves – The title of my blog. I’m still trying to live and breathe for an audience of one.
  2. Paperback Writer: The Beatles – I hope to get a novel published someday!
  3. Real Bad News: Aimee Mann – This is the song I always think of when I stepped off the plane from college and received the news that my father had died.
  4. I Shall Believe: Sheryl Crow – I’m a hot mess in many ways but I resolve to believe in God even when it’s difficult.
  5. OK: Rebecca St. James – If I could have told my teenage self anything, it’s that life would get better. And everything will be okay.
  6. Gone Too Soon: Michael Jackson – In my opinion, my uncle and my father died much too soon. It’s a beautiful song that expresses loss.
  7. Show Love: Mary J. Blige – Too many people have hated on me in my life and tried to bring me down. This song encourages me to keep my head held high.
  8. In Christ Alone: Keith & Kristyn Getty – I want my hope and my life to be found in Christ alone.
  9. C.S. Lewis Song: Brooke Fraser – A hopeful song about waiting for God.
  10. Surrender: BarlowGirl – I have such a hard time giving up my dreams and desires to God, but this song reminds me that they are best left in his hands.

I originally had 25 songs listed (!) and cut it down to a top 10. I hope you click on some of the songs and enjoy.

My Top 10 Favorite Songs of All-Time

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Here’s a list of some of my top 10 favorite songs of all-time in no particular order. It was hard to narrow it down to just 10, but they’re songs that I could listen to over and over and never get sick of. (I’ve tried to vary the artists since I could list whole albums by the same artist.)

  1. “Look What You’ve Done” by Bread
  2. “Nocturne” by Billy Joel
  3. “Shoot the Moon” by Norah Jones
  4. “Irish Sea” by Margaret Becker
  5. “This Journey Is My Own” by Sara Groves
  6. “Gone Too Soon” by Michael Jackson
  7. “Today’s the Day” by Aimee Mann
  8. “Linus and Lucy” by Vince Guaraldi Trio
  9. “Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth)” by George Harrison
  10. “Dear Prudence” by The Beatles

Musical Discernment

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Image from paducahtruth.blogspot.com

My years in the independent fundamental Baptist (IFB) denomination encouraged me to think that practically all music except for the old-time hymns were bad. This came after 16 years of listening to virtually any and every musical genre I wanted. I attended a strict, legalistic Christian college in which all music submitted was evaluated by those in authority to see if the music met the college’s criteria of something that could be listened to during the school term. If it did not meet the college’s criteria, the album was held until the end of the term then returned to the owner.

I spent quite a bit of time in which I listened to nothing but songs and hymns that would fall very much under the genres of classical, choral, and non-percussion instrumental. While I enjoy listening to these genres at various times, limiting myself to these genres alone proved trying. At times, I found classical or choral music quite boring and sleep-inducing while non-percussion instrumental music could contain brass instruments making the song loud, distracting, and downright annoying.

At that time, I really believed that classical, choral, and non-percussion instrumental were sinful and harmful to listen to. I discarded all of my secular albums, ripped up my Beatles and Michael Jackson posters, and thought I was doing my best to be obedient to God. But my actions certainly weren’t motivated by an attitude of love and grace; I did those things in obedience to the commandments of men (Matt. 15:9).

Granted, the general principle behind the legalistic rules is not bad:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  —Philippians 4:8

A great many songs in the secular realm do not meet the criteria above hence the radical fundamentalist view of shunning “worldly rock music.” But then again, a lot of songs that pass for what is called “Christian” don’t meet the criteria above either.

After leaving IFB churches (perhaps even a bit before that), I began to listen to a variety of songs again and discovered how much these songs could positively impact my mood. Here are a few personal examples:

Those are only a few examples of how various songs (Sara Groves being the only overtly Christian song on the list) minister to me that would never meet the criteria outlined by my old Christian college and old IFB churches. (Yes, that includes the Sara Groves song.)

A lot of the songs above don’t fly for a lot of Christians. It may be that the songs don’t meet their musical preference (ie, don’t like the sound or lyrics) or that they’re not godly enough. That’s okay as long as they are the ones determining what’s good for them and not someone else. Continue reading “Musical Discernment” →

Painting Pictures of Egypt

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Lady LibertyA friend I have went to NYC recently and met up with a few friends. She explored the city, took lots of pictures, and seemed to have a blast.

Then I found myself thinking, “Why don’t I still live there, Lord? Why am I not there?”

Of all things, I wasn’t jealous because she was spending time with people she cared about nor was I jealous that she had a good time.

I was upset not because she was in New York but because I wasn’t.

How pathetic is that?

In recent months, I’ve been struggling with the issue of identity:

  • “Who am I?”
  • “Yes, I’m a Christian and need to find my identity in Jesus but what does that mean? It sounds so theoretical and abstract.”
  • “What does it mean to be Black in America?”
  • “Does race matter?”

I thought I’d let the New York thing go. It was a big struggle when I moved to Kentucky considering how much I hated Kentucky but I’ve been content in Philadelphia. So why do pictures of Manhattan and Brooklyn get me nostalgic for the days of going to NYU and attending my old church in the quaint section of Brooklyn Heights? Why? Would I trade what I have now (a husband who loves and cares for me) for what I had back then (single, depressed, no one)?

I’m a fool so I struggle with this.

I suppose what makes things harder is that the prospect of living in New York ever again is about as likely as the prospect of living in Kentucky again. Zero. I never loved Kentucky, I never grew up in Kentucky, Kentucky was never my home.

Sara Groves talks about “Painting Pictures of Egypt” and “leaving out what it lacked.” Perhaps I’m doing that with New York. When I think of living at NYU, I don’t think of the time I wandered dark alleyways at 2 or 3 am in the morning, hoping I’d get raped or murdered. I don’t think of how I frequently walked the Manhattan streets alone and lonely, eyeing couples and friends with jealousy because I possessed neither of those things. I simply think of the exhilarating feeling I’d get when I walked to class near Washington Square in the winter while flurries dropped just because I lived in New York.

  • I got high off of living in Manhattan. I love the city. Sure, it smells like pee but it’s a place I loved to call home.
  • I’m proud to tell people that I was born in Brooklyn and raised there for the first five years of my life.
  • I have a love for the Yankees that runs deep. No matter how bad they suck, they’re always World Champs in my heart. (On the contrary, I have a hatred for the Red Sox that runs deep.) 😉
  • My family, namely my mother and grandmother, live in New York and I miss them all so dearly.
  • I have friends from middle school that I talk to infrequently but still care about and miss spending time with.

If you asked me which city was the best in the world, I’d tell you New York. I just love that place.

However, I feel terrible because my friend was having a wonderful time visiting places and friends and the main emotion I could muster was jealousy. And like the fool I am, I had no words for her other than “I’m jealous.” Those words started out as a figure of speech but then evolved into actual jealousy. She didn’t warrant that. My sin and identity issues shouldn’t be her problem.

So it’s back to the drawing board yet again. For all my nostalgia, I’m putting my primary identity in the wrong thing. My primary identity is not native New Yorker. My primary identity is Christian. And whenever anything or anyone dethrones Christ; it’s wrong and it’s sin. And I need to repent.

This Journey Is My Own

~ K ~ Leave a comment

So the name of this blog is “This Journey Is My Own” based off of a song by Sara Groves of the same name. Its accompanying sub is “Attempting to live and breathe for an audience of one.” I’m amused by the tagline since this a public blog. In the end, however, what I do and chronicle on here is ultimately for God so no holds barred anymore.

I have another blog, Depression Introspection, currently hosted at Typepad but am working on moving it to WordPress. You can find what I’ve got so far here: http://depressionintrospection.wordpress.com.

Depression Introspection was begun as a blog to focus solely on various aspects of mental illness: depression, bipolar disorder, suicide, schizophrenia, psychotropic medications, among other topics. Now I feel like I’ve outgrown the site. Continuing to post there would put me in a psychological box. Depression Introspection was created specifically for address mental health issues and I don’t want that to be the sole focus of my blogging.

I’m also at a point where I need a place to rant and vent about life in a teenage-like style. I avoided that for the most part on the blog, which was also informally titled deepintro. I intend to rant and rave as much as I like here.

I started out under the pseudonym of Marissa. Now I’m posting under my nickname Kass because I’m tired of trying to hide who I am. It gets tiresome. It gets old. I used to blog about my job. For the sake of employment, that’s probably the one topic that will remain off this blog.

I selected “This Journey Is My Own” as the name of my blog because I think the song expresses so much of what I struggle with. Groves sings poignantly of the issues of people-pleasing, one of the greatest sins in my life. You can read the lyrics to the song here and listen to the song here.

I hope to blog on a variety of topics including mental health. We’ll see what happens.