Tag: prayer

Audience of One

~ K ~ Leave a comment
A painting by Sophia Foutres
Art by Sophia Foutres

I went to a Pride event over the weekend to support my church, and my elder, Sophia, who was selling her art. I glanced over her art, mostly deciding to observe and not buy.

Then I saw a piece of art titled “Audience of One.”

If you wonder why this piece of art struck me and spoke to me, please scroll to the top of this blog and look at my tagline.

I attended a prayer meeting at my church last Tuesday and it’s named “Prophetic Prayer and Worship.” Definitely lots of worship. We did some praying but my prayers were mostly self-centered.

  • I am too blessed to be here.
  • Everything is going right in my life. Other people need prayer more than I do.
  • I don’t deserve to be here

I decided that once the meeting had ended, I would slip out quietly and alone, as I usually tend to do.

Sophia saw me from across the room and came over to welcome me. I exchanged words with her briefly before a woman in the Children’s Ministry came over to me and said, “I have a Word for you.” I stared at her, baffled, because I had no idea what that meant.

She said, “God told me to tell you that ‘he hears you, he sees you, he loves you, and he is with you.’ Does that mean anything?”

And in a few minutes, I was crying because those were all of the things that I felt like God wasn’t doing. I cried for quite a bit, but it’s something I needed. God could’ve chosen anyone else in the world to talk to. But he chose me. Or even if it wasn’t “God,” the lady felt compelled to tell me those things out of everyone else in the room.

So I’ve been seeing God’s hand in different things and speaking to me in different ways ever since.

So when I came across the painting above, I definitely knew that wasn’t a coincidence—that was God speaking to me in the most important way he knew how.

Signs and symbols are different for everyone, but God knows just how to speak to me and reach me.

He hears me. He sees me. He loves me. He is with me.

A Religious Manifesto of Sorts

~ K ~ Leave a comment

CrossI’m having a crisis of faith right now. I believe in God and I believe in Jesus. I just… don’t believe in all the stuff that comes with Christianity. I don’t want to do the stuff that comes with Christianity, such as:

  • Attending church
  • Praying regularly
  • Reading the Bible

Church often feels like a social gathering—a way to meet new people. I love my church. If I could pick any church to attend, it’d be the church I’m a member of. So why do I choose sleep over worshiping God on Sunday mornings?

Continue reading “A Religious Manifesto of Sorts” →

Helpless

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I always feel helpless when I’m on an airplane. There’s something about not seeing the pilots (to whom I have entrusted my life) that freaks me out. At least I can look at a bus driver and evaluate whether I want to be on a bus for a short period of time. Sometimes I’ll even get glimpses of train conductors (who, in my opinion, tend to be scruffy). Usually I don’t get to meet the pilots until the end of a flight, but that doesn’t do me any good by that point. I know they’re going through their pre-flight checks before takeoff (which are highly important, of course), but gosh, meeting a pilot and knowing he doesn’t have alcohol in his system would really put me at ease.

So what do I do so I don’t have a freaking panic attack? I pray.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. (Psalm 20:7)

Maybe I could change that to a modern version:

Some trust in cars and some in planes, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

It is a good verse to remember for transportation. I pray and give up everything to God and hope in him for the safety and protection of myself and all on board.

For he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. (Psalm 103:14)

God is sovereign over all things and he was sovereign when planes hit the World Trade Center and he was also sovereign when US Airways Flight 1549 miraculously landed on the Hudson. God watches over each and every plane that takes off, lands, or even sadly, disappears. This is my consolation when I am helpless:

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. (Philippians 1:21)

Not that I live on the edge of life in the hopes of attaining “gain,” so to speak, but if anything were to happen, I am reminded that I’d receive something better than this present life.

But, hey, I still pray for a safe takeoff, flight, and landing.

Faith

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Faith plays an odd role in my life. It’s the thing that has brought me back from the brink of death. In case you’re not aware, I’m a born-again Christian who believes in Jesus Christ as her lord and savior. Or in more politically correct terms, I’m a Jesus follower. I believe in the teachings and commandments of Jesus. I believe that he has fulfilled Old Testament law and that I don’t need to adhere to everything to be a good Christian.

I used to think, in order to be a good Christian, that it was necessary to pray every day and read the Bible every day, but Jesus didn’t say any of those things. Jesus said the ultimate commandments were to love God and love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37-40).

Faith, for me, is sort of an odd duck. I have it. Then I don’t. It’s a process. I believe in God, but I’m lousy at attending church regularly. I read the Bible as often as I can (though not every day), and I pray as I think of it.

There was a time I would’ve said faith was central to my well-being. And in some ways, it still is. It’s one of the most important things in my life. But if I’m honest, I don’t rank God first through my actions. He’s often secondary to other things. I don’t mean for things to be that way. I try to put God and government first when it comes to money (although, if I’m honest, the government comes first most of the time). But when it comes to time, God only gets a small portion of it. He should really get a much larger portion but I don’t know how to spend time with him that isn’t meaningless.

Maybe I should just sit in silence and see how he speaks to me.

10 Things I Learned in 2012

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Looking back on previous blog posts, I’ve learned 10 things about myself and other things in 2012.

  1. Jesus prayed, and God said “no.”
  2. There are at least six ways to be considerate of childless couples.
  3. America is a culture of judgment.
  4. I loathe Downton Abbey.
  5. I have with chronic mononucleosis.
  6. I struggle with shame.
  7. Francine Pascal was the author who encouraged me to write stories of my own.
  8. I am a soft Democrat.
  9. The library is not what it used to be when I was a kid.
  10. Help, Thanks, and Wow sum up prayer pretty well.

Overcoming Writer’s Block: 300 Words a Day

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Reading Anne Lamott makes me want to write. Is that the mark of a good writer? One who encourages other writers to write?

I am reading Bird by Bird, her book on writing and life. To overcome writer’s block, she encourages her readers (who are writers) to write 300 words a day.

Three hundred words a day. I can do that. Right?

—

I have a memory book that I’m writing. In it all are the memories that I can possibly remember. Believe it or not, I don’t remember much. Only about 20 pages’ worth of memories in a small journal out of who knows how many pages possible. 200? Although I have 20 years of journals to sort through and read to remind myself of all the horrible things that have happened to me. Because, of course, I am notorious for recording the negative events in my life rather than the positive ones.

—

Perhaps the following really belongs on my depression introspection blog, but I’ve had a really great year. Since my father died 11 years ago, 2012 has been the best year I’ve had mentally. Physically, I’m still dealing with chronic mono, but I hope that 2013 will bring a year of renewed mindfulness and energy. Normally, the fall and winter months (especially the Christmas season) bring with it sadness and depression, but thank the LORD, it’s been at bay this year. I’m finally accepting my father’s death and doing my best to move forward. I’ve accepted the fact that another year has gone by that I’m not a mother, and that’s okay. Forward. It was President Obama’s slogan during his re-election campaign, but it holds so much meaning for me. I will not let a political campaign co-opt a word that describes how I need to look toward the future.

—

I am trying to read a Bible chapter daily and pray daily. I am using Health Month to do this. I still have not succeeded in exercising. I do not know that I will ever succeed in exercising. I start then stop, in fits, like traffic on the congested Belt Parkway. I do not know that I have grown closer to God. But I am walking by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). I am reading about the Old Testament God—the Heavenly Father who was all wrath and anger and appeasement by animal sacrifice. I like the New Testament God—Jesus, the Incarnation, who is all love and human and emotional. Reading about God through Genesis makes me so glad for Jesus in the four Gospels.

“Whose god then is God? They all want jurisdiction. In the Book of Earth, whose god spread fear? Spread love?” —Tori Amos

—

I fear that my Mac is not long for this world. It is one of the discontinued 13″ white Macbooks (I almost wrote Powerbook—whew!). I don’t use it for anything anymore except to play music and to sync my iPhone to.  It was playing music when the song came upon a discordant note and the note kept playing over and over and over and… well, you get the point. It was like a CD permanently skipping. I had to force restart my Mac by holding down the Power button. But unlike the devotees of Mac, I simply cannot afford to buy a new Mac laptop of any sort. It is much too much expensive. But then again, I haven’t been sucked into the cult of Mac when it comes to computers. If I really loved Macs, I’d spend the money. But I don’t. I’d rather plunk down the cash and get a touchscreen Windows laptop for maybe as much money (or a fraction of the cost—I’m not sure how much touchscreen laptops run these days).

I am definitely an “i” girl. I use iTunes, love my iPhone, own an iPod Shuffle and and iPod Touch, and would like an iPad. Apple has won me over in the mobile department. But I figure I can make things work on Windows if need be. I would plunk down the money for an iPad. I just haven’t yet.

—

Look at that. More than 700 words. And the goal was simply to write 300. Can I keep this up? I need to whether it’s through blogging, article writing, or fiction creation. I won’t get better as a writer otherwise.

Requisite Post and Other Assorted Thoughts

~ K ~ 1 Comment

I haven’t posted on this blog in a long time, and it’s mainly because I haven’t had anything of consequence to say. I like to post when I have profound things to spout, and that hasn’t been the case in the past few weeks/months. Elections have come and gone (I knew Obama would win re-election), disasters have come and gone (Sandy hit NY and NJ hard), and places have come and gone (I’m no longer at the library where I first began my library job).

I’ve taken to writing nearly daily in a bound journal. I don’t know that it’s always cathartic, but it is very helpful to my ability to sort my feelings out about different matters. Take, for instance, God.

I received Anne Lamott’s Help, Thanks, Wow book from Barnes & Noble today. Yay! I read it in just over an hour. She refers to God as some sort of maternal deity but I like the paternal-ness of the Bible. That might be because I miss my own father.

What did I learn? There are three essential prayers: help, thanks, and wow. I’d agree with this, if for nothing else, in the texting age, it is much easier and more succinct to communicate those three words than to write out the entire Lord’s Prayer. I believe “wow” acknowledges the greatness and awesomeness of God while “thanks” expresses our gratitude. Then “help” is our supplication. We are asking—maybe even begging—for an answer to our request.

Perhaps I’ve written about this before—probably likely on a blog—but God answers all prayers with the following answers: Yes, No, Not Yet. Not Yes is where [my husband] and I are in our prayer for a child. No is God’s answer to me becoming a successful, let alone GOOD singer. Yes is God’s answer to me being able to freelance.

Not Yet is the most common answer from God, I believe, because He rarely answers prayer definitively right away. Our prayer for a child isn’t necessarily “no,” it’s “not yet.” For four years, God’s answer to [a friend] who sought a full-time position of employment was “not yet.” Clearly His answer was not “no” or [he] would not be gainly employed right now. But not yet can feel a lot like “no.” And in some ways, it is “no”—for the time being. God has said no to J and I for the time being about having a child. But it’s a synonym for not yet. This I believe.

I kinda went on a tangent about prayer and getting it answered, but I’ve probably said before, I’m not as orthodox about God as I used to be. … But is it OK to think that God is maternal? Like an Aunt Jemima, pancake-flippin’ black lady with an apron on as depicted in The Shack? I guess so. Why not right? Male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27). God’s got to have some maternal in him to create females, right? And all humans are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). 

[Next entry]

I don’t think I got around to writing about what I wanted to write about yesterday: how I feel about God. I do believe Jesus is the only way to heaven but apart from that, all hell could break loose. I believe in love. Whether it’s Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve. I don’t believe Catholicism is a one-way ticket to hell. Female ministers are not the worse things in Christendom. And go ahead and baptize little babies if that’s your fancy. I’m a liberal. Oh noes! I believe in developing one’s spirituality. Jesus Christ and him glorified. But at what cost? I don’t believe in beating my coworkers over the head with proselytizing (like I used to).

I’ve come so far from my emergent church posts. Maybe I’m Rob Bell-ish now. Maybe Love Wins. Maybe I can refer to God as her. (Although I probably won’t.)

All I really know for certain is love is all there is. —Sheryl Crow

Jesus Prayed and God Said “No”

~ K ~ 8 Comments

I’ve been bitter lately because I haven’t been blessed with a child while I’ve watched others conceive and give birth during that time frame. I have not only prayed for a child, but I’ve cried, pleaded, beseeched, begged, and bargained in the hopes that I might be a mom. Alas, that has not been the case. I get bitter and upset with God, not because He’s not answering my prayer—on the contrary, He is answering my prayer—I am dismayed because He is saying no.

I have been praying for various people who have been out of work to obtain full-time jobs. Again, God has been saying no.

In Paul E. Miller’s A Praying Life, he contrasts asking selfishly in prayer against not asking at all.

Jesus’ prayer at Gethsemane demonstrates perfect balance. He avoids the Not Asking cliff, saying, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me” (Mark 14:36).

. . . In the next breath, Jesus avoids the Asking Selfishly cliff by surrendering completely: “Yet not what I will, but what you will” (14:36). Jesus is real about his feelings, but they don’t control him, nor does he try to control God with them. He doesn’t use his ability to communicate with his Father as a means of doing his own will. He submits to the story that his Father is weaving in his life.

And most of us know what happens after Jesus prayed: he was unjustly crucified by the Pharisees and Roman authorities.

Reading that prayer through the lens of A Praying Life struck me with a view I’d never had before: God denied Jesus’ request. Jesus must submit to the Father’s will and not follow his own. If God can say no to his own son, how can I expect a “yes” answer to all of my prayers? This realization is a game-changer for me because I now know in these things I must submit myself to God’s will. God’s will is not for me to have children right now. It is a painful answer as I’m sure temporary separation from the Father was a painful answer for Jesus. It’s a painful answer for God to tell dear friends that they will remain unemployed for several years.

Not that submitting to the will of God will be easy; in fact, it will be even harder knowing I must do it willingly.

Trusting God

~ K ~ 1 Comment

“I can’t trust God right now.” — a 7-year-old I know

How many times have I wanted to say this? How many times have I even thought it but was too afraid to speak it?

I am reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller in which he encourages his readers to pray like little children, blurting out whatever’s on their minds—unpolished and unvarnished. There’s no double-speak like the Pharisees. God would rather hear from me, “I can’t trust You right now” than “Lord, I am trusting You” when it’s really not true. Of course, it’s always good to follow up “I can’t trust You right now; help me to trust You” like the man prayed in Mark 9:24 “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!”

I am in a time in my life where things aren’t exactly how I planned them. I planned:

  • To be married at 25
  • Have kids at 30
  • Have a thriving career in the newspaper/magazine industry

I got married at 23, almost 30 without kids, and ZERO career in the industry of choice.

The career thing often bothers me most, in some ways, more so than dealing with infertility. There should be a support group for people mourning the careers they never had or could’ve had.

My career is on the fringe as a proofreader for an ad agency and a manuscript editor. Yes, I get to do more than some people do, but at the same time, the income is unsteady. There are many fits and starts. I don’t know if and when the next job will come through. I work at the library to support these goals, but I know God is telling me to be patient, to trust Him in these uncertain times. To trust that He will provide the next job if and when he does so. It’s a scary thing to know that if your husband dies, you may not be able to support yourself.

I can’t trust God right now. But I hope He will give me grace and strength to trust in Him anyway.

A Short Prayer for Feeling Inadequate

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Dear God,

I feel so inadequate in everything I do. But that’s because I keep looking to me and my abilities. I keep trying to draw strength from my self-confidence instead of who You are and what You have said about me. Help me to daily trust in You and Your will for my life.

In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Establishing the Discipline of Daily Prayer (aka Relearning How to Pray)

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Image from learntochangelives.blogspot.com

I’m trying to institute the discipline of praying consciously every evening. I really suck at regularly praying: praying for myself and for others so I’ve reverted to the basics—“Our Father” also known as the Lord’s Prayer.

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. —Matthew 6:9-13

I grew up in the Catholic Church for the majority of my youth and I attended Roman Catholic school from K through 12 so the ending phrase, “For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever” is not easy for me to remember or natural to me since it was not taught. Depending on what feels comfortable and genuine, I either give the addition to the Lord’s Prayer a shot (which I inevitably screw up) or leave it out.

But the Our Father is so second nature to me (and many others with a Christian background), it could be vain repetition. I could easily recite this prayer without putting any thought into it. But I’m trying really hard not to. I’m doing my best to consciously say the Our Father while thinking through what I’m saying. Another good way to do this is to paraphrase a few lines (without the Message Bible!).

And Jesus says to “pray like this,” not necessarily “this is the definitive answer on what you should pray.” He encourages us to pray along these lines addressing the following:

  • To whom we are praying
  • Where this God is
  • An important attribute of this God
  • A promise from this God
  • Something that prevailsfrom this God over us as humans
  • Where this God’s kingdom extends
  • Request to provide for our daily needs (not wants)
  • Repentance with God
  • Repentance with others
  • Request to exhibit one of God’s attributes (such as remaining holy and pure)
  • Request to avoid Satan or evil deeds

I’m confident there’s more to the Lord’s Prayer than that, but I’m not a Bible commentator. I’m just a layperson trying to force myself to first establish the discipline of speaking to God daily with words I can speak subconsciously before moving on to crafting thoughtful, original prayers. Daily prayer goes against my nature, but especially when engaging in spiritual battle, it’s extremely necessary.

  • I am able to active think about what I pray even though it could be rote.
  • I do this task at least once a day. (Usually before sleep for me.)
  • I pause with each phrase to let the words fully sink in and make sure I understand what I’m saying to God before continuing on with my prayer.
  • At the end, I will tack on requests for others that I remember. Maybe even include a request for myself.

Establishing discipline is not easy, especially when it comes to prayer—a habit that is not natural to most people. But for many people, mindful, daily recitation of the Our Father is a good place to start.

I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on establishing the discipline of daily prayer, especially for those new to the faith or uncomfortable with prayer.

“All I Want Is You”

~ K ~ 3 Comments

You say you’ll give me eyes in the moon of blindness / A river in a time of dryness /A harbour in the tempest / All the promises we make / From the cradle to the grave / When all I need is you
~ U2, “All I Want Is You” ~

The past few days have been a bit strange. I’ve gotten the sense that even though I’ve tried to turn my back on God and walk away from Him, it’s like I’m in His hand and if I run to jump off the edge, He simply cups the other hand underneath to catch me when I fall so I’m still securely within His grasp.

Rinse and repeat.

I’ve been angry, indifferent, frustrated… a variety of emotions that have me “shaking my fist at God,” so to speak. I try to say, “Look, God, don’t want You, don’t need You, go away” as He’s patiently listening, letting me think I’m escaping for a bit when I suddenly realize that He’s still there, right behind me. In a sense, it’s frustrating.

But on the other hand, rather liberating.

Because as I struggle through this spiritual depression, He’s made it very clear to me that He’s still near. In this odd time of feeling faithless and reading the Bible on and off, I’ve got the oddest assurance of salvation through Jesus Christ. (Considering that assurance of salvation is something I struggle with, this is no small feat.)

My pastor, counselor, and friends have challenged me in my faith and through this struggle, for which I am very thankful. I am still stressed and overwhelmed, but am very much getting the sense that God is here—somewhere—with me.

Thanks to all who have prayed/are praying.

Day 1 in the Life of a Christian Atheist

~ K ~ 2 Comments
Image from axle_foley00 on flickr

Not so good on the atheism front, akshully.

While I didn’t go to church or pray today, I failed in my so-called atheism by:

I also had a lot of discussion with my husband about the catholic church, things that frustrate me about it, and things I don’t understand about it. My husband also admitted to me today that he did not want to be an atheist. Scaredy-cat. (Ha.)

“Enjoying God” Series on Hiatus; Focus on Christian Atheism Begins

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Image from http://www.livingbueno.com

For at least a week.

During the week, I intend to live as (demi-)atheistically as I can. I’ll probably fail since some knowledge of God has always been a part of my life, and intensive knowledge of God has been a habit for 12 years. What will change?

Unfortunately, not that much.

  • I won’t be going to church this Sunday. I am not planning on oversleeping to miss it; I just will make a purposeful decision not to go.
  • I will still be reading the devotional plans on my iPhone, courteously provided for free through YouVersion. But since I’m spiritually struggling, they’ve been nothing but words on a page.
  • Not actively praying. My prayer life is minimal at best (maybe a formal prayer once a week?) so it looks like I’m not changing my habits much. Besides, I’ve been praying for various things (and for various people) for a while now and none of those prayers have been answered. Why bother?

Why?

Insight into this decision can probably be gleaned from my last post, “Day 32 of Enjoying God: Faith (or lack thereof).” But I do have a few more reasons as to why I’m making a conscious decision to (kind of) stray away from my faith for a week. Continue reading ““Enjoying God” Series on Hiatus; Focus on Christian Atheism Begins” →

The Armor of Pretentious Spirituality & the Shield of Piousness

~ K ~ 3 Comments

A friend said this to me on Twitter today:

I do think people are dishonest in general about their ‘spirituality.’

I have to agree with him. And I can’t help wonder why that is.

This statement forced me to look at my own spirituality. I like to think that I’m rather “real” when it comes to my Christian life. Too often I’m frustrated by people who try to act like they have it all together just because they have Jesus in their lives and I’m always comparing myself mercilessly to people who seem particularly pious and pray and read their Bibles all the time.

On the contrary, I also look at the people who practice yoga religiously or listen to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle and wonder if they’ve discovered some inner peace that I still find myself seeking.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that we all put on a front to some extent. There are days (perhaps sometimes weeks!) when I’ve got this spiritual connection going, some amazing mountaintop relationship with God and I really am a prayer warrior and in touch with a power greater than myself.

Then there are days (and weeks!) that go by when I don’t pray, get angry with God, feel lost as though I’m stumbling through life just trying to life in the physical, and going through the motion of attending church because it’s what I do and not necessarily because I want to. (Is that right to do? No.)

So it’s time for me to strip off the armor of pretentious spirituality and put down the shield of piousness:

  • I do not go to church every Sunday. Catholic guilt plagues me afterward but it’s true. I like my sleep more than I like fellowshipping or worshipping with the saints.
  • I do not formally pray every day. If I pray at all, it might be a quick “Lord, please make this migraine go away” but I don’t get down on my knees every night regularly and pray for my family, your family, everyone’s needs, and world peace. I sometimes formally pray but more often than not, I don’t. And more often than not, I forget. And even more often than that, I just don’t want to.
  • I take the Lord’s name in vain occasionally. (Sorry for the following, God.) I’ve caught myself saying a “Lord have mercy” or “Oh my, God” when it’s not necessary or directed to God. It doesn’t happen often and I try to get around it by saying “Heaven, have mercy” but that just sounds silly afterward.
  • I do not like to fellowship with other believers on most days. Some Christians love nothing more than good Christian fellowship all the time. Great for them. I prefer to be alone or around unbelievers. For some reason, I feel the need to pretend like everything’s fine around other Christians. Going to Bible study this summer was heart-wrenching for me as I spent month after month discovering I was not pregnant and not feeling like I could really share that with a group of women who were pregnant or already had kids (for the most part). I always left Bible study feeling worse off than when I arrived so I stopped going or helped with childcare.
  • Reading tons of theological books does not make me a theological maven. I’m reading three books on theology, God’s love, and the Bible and I feel more filled with head knowledge and no closer to any heart knowledge. I wonder if a return to the basics of Jesus Christ and the removal of deep reformed theology from my brain would help but I don’t know how to go back.
  • I wonder if non-Christians have it better than I do. Hate on Deepak Chopra all you want but the man doesn’t complain about unhappiness. And Oprah seems to be doing all right…
  • I question my own beliefs:
    • Jesus ascended into heaven bodily? Um, wouldn’t he explode once he reached a certain altitude?
    • Jesus is returning and after that, no more sin and world peace? When? Will it ever happen? Is that just a fairy tale?
    • It’s wrong to romantically love someone who is of the same gender?
    • God created Ryan Seacrest? (Just kidding.)
  • I question God’s purpose for me. Constantly. Why am I here? I mean, me specifically. You have a different purpose than I do. What am I supposed to accomplish before I die? Is the afterlife really peaceful?
  • And the most basic question of all: Am I a person who really, truly loves Jesus and would sacrifice ALL to follow him?

The answer to that last question is no. And if you’re reading this, you’re probably answering similarly if you’re honest with yourself. By the way, if you still think you’d sacrifice all to follow Jesus then let me challenge you do to this right now:

Sell your house,
Sell your SUV,
Sell your stock,
Sell your security,
And give it to the poor.¹

Won’t do/haven’t done that? Yeah, your answer’s the same as mine.

Perhaps the way back to genuinely following Christ is to strip off the facades we wear. Maybe if I showed up at church and asked someone how he was doing and he responded honestly, “A tough week but I’m hanging in there” rather than the standard “Just fine,” perhaps we’d exhibit a bit more Christ-likeness.

I love Mark Driscoll’s ministry and I think he’s done a lot to reach others for Christ in the 21st century, but the machismo thing bothers me. Sorry, I can’t quite picture Jesus going to Monday Night RAW or cheering on guys beating each other senseless in the UFC. On the contrary (which is probably Driscoll’s real point), I don’t think Jesus would’ve been a pansy flower child flashing the peace sign and getting high in the middle of a muddy field.

Jesus is the sovereign Lord of the universe. During his time on earth, he exhibited emotion and didn’t pretend to be something he was not. When Lazarus died, the Lamb of God felt the real sting of death and wept for his friend (before resurrecting him!). When money changers were desecrating the temple of God, Jesus displayed righteous anger in preserving a sanctuary that was supposed to be kept holy. And right before Jesus faced the cruelest death anyone could face, fear flowed through his body as he pleaded three times with his heavenly Father to take the task at hand away from him (before submitting himself to God’s will).

Wow. Sadness, anger, and fear. All from the one whom Christians call their Savior. Jesus didn’t pretend to be okay. Jesus wasn’t all macho like, “Yo, dudes, I got this. No sweat.” Not even with the apostles, his closest friends, who he asked to stay up with him before Judas betrayed him. Jesus was real.

And if Jesus was real, why do believers in him keep acting so damn fake?

¹Quoted from Derek Webb’s “Rich Young Ruler”