Attempting to live and breathe for an audience of one
Snape kills Dumbledore.
Ponyo is about a 5-year-old boy who falls in love and promises to forever love a fish that turns into a 5-year-old girl. Not cute.
I am discovering 10,000 Maniacs for the first time and think they are fantastic. (MTV Unplugged was a brilliant endeavor.) I’m on a Natalie Merchant kick as a result.
Back to your regularly scheduled programming…
Two years ago, I began a journey to have a kid. I wrote about the implications of trying to conceive (TTC) and mental illness on my other blog, depression introspection, more than a year ago.
Now thousands of dollars and a few medical treatments later, I am still childless. Sure, I haven’t been on the infertility journey for as long as many other couples but to hear doctors already talking IVF (in vitro fertilization) doesn’t give me much hope.
I’ve been using my conception journey as a form of gauging how much God loves me. Yes, I know, it’s inaccurate. Yes, I know, being childless is not God’s way of punishing me and my husband. I know these things.
And then I see people conceive on the first try. “Fertile Myrtle.” I watch other women cry over brief pregnancies and think, “You’re still more of a mother than I’ve ever been.”
It’s interesting how there are different ranges of infertility. In the course of two years, most couples who have tried for that long have experienced at least one miscarriage. So far, we have no hope that we can ever conceive a child. And it makes me angry.
I’m angry because I thought God called us to be parents. I’m angry because I hated kids, didn’t want them, and now I’m sitting here grieving over what I don’t have and money I hoped would get me to where I wanted to be.
I’m sad because I watch parents take their children for granted and not realize what a blessing it is to have what so many others cannot.
And I’m angry with God. Because this is all under His control. At the end of the day, I play roulette with science and hope in God. And God consistently tells me “no.”
So what am I supposed to do? Where do I turn now? Where do I go?
I know that being pregnant won’t make things A-OK with God. I have a lot of issues to work through. My husband does too. But I just want to know that I’m not some woman filled with a delusion of being a mom. I want to know that God is somewhere saying, “Yeah, keep working at it, but not yet.” I want to know that He still cares about me and my husband.
And I was really hoping to give a big middle finger to the doctor who made us feel like we were wasting our money during the last cycle. I guess he knows what he’s talking about and we’re the fools who threw money into a long-shot gamble.
I’m just beside myself with grief and pain today.
See title of post. I couldn’t have asked for a better day. (Ok, maybe not a line drive into my shin but otherwise…)
Happy Fourth of July, mis Americanos.
I’ve been going through an incredibly difficult time on a personal level and have been really struggling in my faith. I often function based on feelings (yeah, yeah, I know, feelings aren’t reliable) and lately I’ve had the need to feel that God loves me. And I’m constantly met with… silence. Continue reading “Are You There, God? I’d Really Like An Answer.”
If the above video doesn’t work, use the following link:
The Voice – Semi-finals: Maroon 5 Featuring Christina Aguilera Sings “Moves Like Jagger” – Video – NBC.com.
I recently reviewed the resume that I used to obtain my current library position. After reviewing it, I realized that my resume wasn’t really all that impressive for position that I applied. What probably got the hiring manager (my current boss) to pick up the phone and call me for an interview was my cover letter.
The ad, from what I can recall, wanted an “enthusiastic, friendly, outgoing, and motivated” person to apply for the job. Trust me, I am all that and a bag of chips. (One of the few areas in which I am confident.) I had dreamed of being able to help patrons at the library desk since I was a library page at the tender age of 14. (smile) But my resume excelled in nothing but journalism and editorial experience. How in the world could I convince a hiring manager that someone who had a mostly solitary work experience background could translate into an energetic person who would “relish” (yes, I used that word) the opportunity to work with the public? Continue reading “Resume and Cover Letter: Starting Point; Interview: Selling Point”
“Old black water, keep on rollin’ / Mississippi moon, won’t you keep on shinin’ on me” ~”Black Water,” The Doobie Brothers
[insert insightful, funny, thoughtful, witty blog post here]
Now, for the one that’s not:
I’m always amazed at how people with blogs can generate content about themselves every . . . single . . . day. I like to talk about myself sometimes (really, who doesn’t in some form or capacity?), but I think what I generally like to do is put my opinions out there about different things and see what happens. I try to be thoughtful about what I post instead of ranting about how every driver in Southeastern Pennsylvania is set out to kill me on Wednesday afternoons. (I mean, really, people.)
But I have nothing of great importance to set forth here today. I know nothing of collective bargaining in Wisconsin and do not know if I agree with the state Supreme Court’s decision to overturn it. I am purposely ignorant of politics.
I watched Waiting for Superman the other night and found myself extremely discouraged and depressed about the public education system in America. I’ve resolved that I will homeschool children if I have any.
I should be editing a book right now instead of blogging.
I should also be cleaning this mess of a living room that has somehow turned into my office. My office mess is like a giant ocean, tethered to my desk. And then I, the hurricane, come along, pick it up, and generate the tsunami wave that crashes my mess into the nether worlds of the coffee table, couch, and kitchen table. I leave a disaster and disarray of papers in my wake. (My table surface areas never get to see the sun!)
I have a calendar still on May. I have paperwork to catch up on. Unopened bills. Receipts that haven’t been filed. Explanation of Benefits statements without a home. Checkbooks to balance. Books to read.
And when all that’s done. There’s still more to do. Like laundry. How can two people generate so much . . . ?
I feel like I’m running on a treadmill. I can never catch up. The work, at home and outside of my home, never ends.
Blah. I have nothing more to say.
I’m moving forward in trying a new church. It’s an English-speaking Korean church (ESKC) that meets about a 5-minute drive from my home and (I know this is so VAIN) has air conditioning. It’s still a part of my current denomination.
It’s got a mix of Asian (not all of them are Korean) and white members, which thrills me because I’ve bemoaned the lack of diversity at my home church for some time now. I’m tentatively moving forward in becoming more involved with the church: joining up with a softball league for July, joining community groups for Bible study, and just plain looking forward to the way God will work in that church. Maybe it will be some time before we become members. Maybe it won’t. Maybe we’ll never become members. But I’m willing to step out in faith and take the risk of making new connections. And making new connections is always messy because we are all sinful people, belief in Christ or not, and we hurt each other, sometimes far more than we ever know.
As I think about attending this ESKC, I recognize, perhaps a bit more acutely, my issues with my home church. Some of the issues are a matter of preference and the blame lies with me; the other issues aren’t sin issues but rather a culture of the church that has come to frustrate me over time.
Those are a few issues I have, the biggest problem probably exemplified by the large paragraph I devoted to it. The ESKC won’t fix all of these things nor do I expect it to. The ESKC won’t be perfect. I will find things that I don’t like about the church. (In fact, I need to before I become a member so I’m not stuck in this position again five years from now!) But it’s a matter of priorities, and while a Bible-based church is first and foremost, I want a warmer church culture where the congregants can grow with one another. Whether that will happen at the ESKC will remain to be seen.
Cousins. I’ve written about them previously. Specifically the ones on my dad’s side. My friend who recently lost her father (to leukemia) is friends with a girl who runs in the same circle as my father’s family. My friend kindly told me in not so many words that the mutual friend said “they’re not very nice people” and that “they gossip and talk about each other behind their backs.”
Well, that answers that. I don’t need that drama. I’ll only make an effort for my mom now, especially since I realize they don’t care nor respect the connection we have through my father. (That’s fine.) When my mom moves down here or if she passes on (God forbid!), I’m not going to any of their events any longer. If I have any one major pet peeve, it’s being two-faced. If you don’t give a crap about me, don’t pretend you do. Just do your thing: say you’re busy if I want to come over, say you’re occupied—tell me this enough times, I get the hint. Our lives are too short to be wasting time on people we could care less about. Don’t waste my time; I won’t waste yours.
Well, not all things are new. I just couldn’t come up with a better title.
The next two months will be busy. I will be doing things I don’t normally do. I am editing a short non-fiction book. I will be visiting friends along the East Coast. I will be traveling to a wedding in Florida. I have signed up for a summer softball league.
In August, I will be working at the library as usual and staying at home. Maybe forging ahead with that novel that burns a hole in my heart. It has not been forgotten.
What also hasn’t been forgotten is that mid-August to early October are always difficult months for me. Then I get another whammy in December. This year will mark the 10th anniversary of my father’s passing. A thin, flimsy layer of skin stretches across the hole that his death leaves in my heart, but the hole is still there. I think of him often. I guess a girl with a good dad never gets over his death.
I will be doing other challenging things that won’t be mentioned here, and whatever way it works out, it will bring some joy and grief to some extent. (A very cryptic statement, but that’s ok.)
The more I consider my personality, the more I realize I am a rather finicky, flighty sort of girl. I dabble in one thing, lose interest, and then jump into another. It’s the reason I read 10 or more books at one time.
It’s also the reason why I believe Jesus Christ is real. Thirteen years, and I haven’t given him up yet. (Or rather, he hasn’t given me up yet.) I haven’t given up my husband either, but I’m pretty loyal to people I know. (Whether he gives me up remains to be seen.) 😉
Well, maybe not all things are new. Sometimes, some old things should be appreciated for the value and worth they hold.
On January 4, I promised to revisit my 2011 resolutions to see how I was doing. Most people have forgotten about their resolutions by now but I’ve mark it on my calendar to revisit these goals on June 4 (okay, I’m a day late) and December 4. Here they are in all their uncompleted glory:
I’m not opposed to creating new goals and resolutions and dropping others as the year goes along. Upon today’s reevaluation of these resolutions from January, here are my goals are for December:
In six months, I completed one of my goals. Many of these are attainable; others I don’t expect to actually complete as they are ongoing processes that will be on my annual list year after year (exercise and losing weight). But in the future, I hope that spotty church attendance becomes less of an issue.
My friend’s father died on Friday, prompting a whirlwind weekend of funeral services and grieving during the Memorial Day weekend. The family is Catholic and my friend’s father partook of his last sacraments before he became too incapacitated.
I sat through two mini-Catholic services, the first a brief eulogy for my friend’s father who we’ll refer to as Mr. W, and the second a shortened version of a Mass with an emphasis on praying for Mr. W’s soul.
Had this happened 10 or even 5 years ago, I would have been indignant at the Catholic church, ranting and raving at all the things they do wrong as indoctrinated by my years of Christian Baptist fundamentalism. I would have rolled my eyes at the pointless sign of the cross and the dumb responses to the priest after a statement. My heart would have been angry at the Whore of Babylon for leading people astray and I would have not been able to grieve the loss of a dear father and husband who was beloved by many.
But no, this weekend, my heart was quiet before the Lord in reverence to my friend, her family, and the passing of her father. I actually rather enjoyed the first Catholic eulogy and Father T who performed it did an excellent job. I thought to myself, Wow. What a difference a decade makes. I don’t hate Catholicism anymore.
I had no opposition to performing the sign of the cross to open and close the service. (Scripture doesn’t expressly forbid such actions so I no longer take issue with it.) I was surprised at how easily the congregational responses came back to me after years of not attending a Mass or Catholic school. Glimmers of lyrics from many of the spiritual songs shimmered in my mind from my childhood as we sang. We recited the “Our Father” without that ending that I’ve become accustomed to since leaving Catholicism (“For Thine is the kingdom…”). The Catholic Church has changed slightly but not too much. (They’ll be changing the congregational response from “also with you” to “with your spirit.” Ghastly! /sarcasm)
At the second service, I realized while I’m no longer angry or opposed to the Catholic Church, it will never be the church for me again. I do not agree with praying for the souls of the dead as I can’t find Biblical justification for it. I can’t in good Biblical conscience recite the “Hail Mary” any longer. However, instead of ranting and raving against the Catholic Church for unbiblical practices (as I would have in the past), I took the time to still my heart before God and prayed for the family grieving the loss of Mr. W. I prayed for the light of the gospel to shine in their lives, hoping that even through the Catholic Church, they could find salvation and trust in Jesus Christ.
The father at the second service encouraged everyone present to pray for Mr. W’s soul every time they thought of him or his family. I will not begrudge my friend and her mother their novena, but I will continue to lift them up in prayer to the glory of God the Father.
I haven’t been blogging lately because I’ve been feeling super sick and exhausted. I think I’m finally over whatever it was now and am thrilled to have my energy back.
I’ve also been working quite a bit (two jobs) and after the entire series on Love Wins, I didn’t mind taking a break. I think I’ll switch to Post A Week after all. Post A Day was rather a grueling schedule to keep up with.
I’ll be on vacation next week with limited access to the Internet (if any) so no promises on any blog posts next week either.
The hiatus has been kind of nice. Of course, whenever I announce a hiatus, I shoot myself in the foot by having something to finally post.
But things have been rather quiet. And I have nothing to really ramble about. I have been reading a lot lately—all sorts of books, some good and some not so good. I’ve been enjoying that.
So things might be quiet for a while around here until my creative juices start flowing again, and I can actually write something coherent that I’m satisfied with.
This weekend I tried (although did a rather lousy job) of taking a personal retreat in which I spent time alone, focusing on developing a full life plan, which resulted in an outline of my priorities and goals in life. As a result of completing this, I had to say no to many of the things I was considering pursuing.
The idea of a personal retreat comes from Michael Hyatt, former CEO (and current Chairman) at Thomas Nelson. He developed a free e-book called Creating Your Personal Life Plan, adapted from Building Champions, in which he discusses the following:
Hyatt recommends reviewing your life plan quarterly but following up on your specific commitments weekly to make sure that you are accomplishing what you need to accomplish toward your envisioned future.
When I think of Jesus, I think of a man who lived his life on earth intentionally and with a purpose. He didn’t do things haphazardly or “nilly willy.” If this is the example that Jesus has set for his followers, why do we as Christians simply bumble along in life simply trying to survive?
… I can’t think of something to write every day. I’m not the type of person who likes to sit down and write the following:
Today, I got up at 4:45 am EDT to watch Prince William & Kate Middleton get married! It was such a beautiful wedding and I enjoyed every minute of it! Then I went to work and could barely keep my head up. I had Chick-Fil-A to rejuvenate me at lunch but the drive-thru line was so long and the parking lot was completely full! I had dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s afterward: steak and grilled mushrooms with a side of garlic mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli—yum! Then I passed out 11 pm because my body doesn’t like to go to sleep at a decent time. All in all – a fantastic day!
*yawn* I don’t care. Neither do you. I’ll probably switch to Post A Week.
I like to write about things that inspire me or make my brain tick. Problem is (and this REALLY bothers me), I’m long-winded. I can’t write a freakin’ short post. It’s always got to be the next magnum opus.
—
I’m going to be taking Michael Hyatt’s advice and taking a personal retreat to evaluate my career and life goals. That’ll probably include what I want to do with this blog or any other blog. I’ve just been living my life haphazardly (that’s pretty much the way I do everything really) instead of living it intentionally. We’ll see what happens if I try to live my life with intention and trying to drive it instead of having my life drive what I do.
If you’re interested in learning more about Michael Hyatt’s Creating Your Personal Life Plan, click here. (No, I’m not being paid for this; I’m just touting his plan because I think it’s a useful tool.)
This Journey Is My Own 