Attempting to live and breathe for an audience of one
I’m having a crisis of faith right now. I believe in God and I believe in Jesus. I just… don’t believe in all the stuff that comes with Christianity. I don’t want to do the stuff that comes with Christianity, such as:
Church often feels like a social gathering—a way to meet new people. I love my church. If I could pick any church to attend, it’d be the church I’m a member of. So why do I choose sleep over worshiping God on Sunday mornings?
I am really not in a place of joy.
I am discontent. I am distrustful. I am full of worry and anxiety. I lack peace.
Joy has always been one of my weaker qualities within the Christian life. I struggle with bipolar depression on the physical/mental side of things, but in the Christian life, I also suffer from a severe lack of joy in a lot of areas. Of probably all the fruits of the Spirit, joy competes for first place with patience for Christian qualities I lack.
However, the Bible is clear that joy is an essential quality of God and key to being able to enjoy a part of who He is. Psalm 16:11 and Psalm 21:6 tell us that in God’s presence is “fullness of joy” and joy “with gladness.” And a number of verses throughout the Psalms put this joy into practice, mainly vocally through singing and shouting, but there are also instances in which joy in the Lord is expressed through playing music (Psalm 43:4) and dancing (Jeremiah 31:12-13).
Biblical joy doesn’t seem to be merely happiness (or gladness) although that is a key component of it. Biblical joy includes praise to the Lord. Whenever joy or rejoicing is expressed in the Bible, it is usually accompanied with a form of praise to God. The 2011 Random House Dictionary defines praise in three primary ways:
It’s not easy to possess joy all the time, but I’m thankful that God calls His children to partake in corporate worship as an act of joy (among other things).
Image from indianasleep.comIn peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety. —Psalm 4:8
I’m writing this right now because I’m tired and could really use some sleep.
But I think it’s also interesting that in Psalm 4:8, the psalmist chooses to sleep in peace. The psalmist is able to comfortably lay his head down because he trusts in the Lord to protect Him and take care of Him. (There’s that pesky trust word again.)
The Bible has a lot to say on different aspects about sleep but sleeping in peace throughout the Bible represents a healthy fear of the Lord. Not necessarily the fear and trembling aspect but the reverential sovereign awe attributed to the God of the universe. It is only when when we are able to respect (deference to a right, privilege, privileged position; proper acceptance; acknowledgment) God’s place in our lives that we are able to sleep soundly in peace and without fear (being afraid).
Perhaps this should have been a post on fear of the Lord, but it was cool to discover how to enjoy God through the peace and restfulness He provides us with, even in our sleep. (Ah, rest… a topic for another day.)
The fear of the LORD leads to life, so that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil. —Proverbs 19:23
Let it be known: I hate bumper stickers like that above. Mostly because I think they’re cheesy and ineffective, but sometimes it reminds me of a truth that tends to fall hollow with me.
You see, I know Jesus but I feel like I have no peace.
My head and heart are almost always spinning with busyness, noise, stress, and other things that crowd out any semblance of peace. I’m not talking external peace; I mean internal peace.
While I’ll tackle the topic of joy another day, I think joy and peace go hand-in-hand in some way. The idea of peace has always evoked an image of joy along with it (in my mind).
I’ve taken a vacation from paid work this week but still feel like I have no peace. I’m stressed. I’m nervous. I’m afraid that I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown and headed back to a psych hospital. (Maybe I need to visit once every six years to remind me how much I hate it?) I have all this spiritual static in my head that succeeds in clouding God out and making Him fuzzy around the edges.
The point of learning how to enjoy God is not that I’ll have arrived by the time I publish one of these posts but that it’s a process: I’m learning. An aspect of being able to enjoy God is also enjoying the peace that He provides.
Hopefully God will help me out in this area in 2011.
My husband and I visited a local church nearby and the verse the pastor preached on resonated me:
“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” —John 14:27
The pastor went on to explain what kind of peace Jesus was talking about and how personal that peace had become to him, especially since the pastor’s mother had passed away at 5:45 this morning.
This resonated with me as well since peace has been something I have been praying about. The two non-sin issues I struggle with most in my Christian walk are joy and peace but especially peace. As a person who suffers from depression and anxiety, naturally joy and peace are what I would seek most.
It is comforting to know that there is peace in Jesus Christ: the peace of knowing him, and the peace of that final destination as a result of knowing him. It is not the peace that the world gives or hopes to give but that blessèd assurance that all is well with my soul.
I now know the peace Jesus speaks of and realized I’ve had it all along in my Christian walk but like the disciples, kept looking for the wrong kind of peace—the world’s peace. It’s possible to be a believer and never experience the peace that rests inside you because you are searching for the world’s peace and not the peace Jesus speaks of.
I can best describe this peace, not as a warm, fuzzy feeling or a moment of tranquility but rather an assurance that in the face of trials, tribulations, natural disasters, rampant disease, and death, I know what the end will be because I know Who I serve. It’s quite a different peace than the one I was seeking and not at all what I expected. And because I am a sinner, prone to being tossed to and fro in the waves of life, my peace will also be shaken—mainly because I will be seeking after that worldly peace. But if I keep my eyes on Jesus through this journey of life, my peace will remain sure and solid—moreso than the ground I stand on.
And that’s what I must remember: my faith is a journey. I will not be perfect all the time but if I challenge myself to tuck that verse away in my heart, perhaps I will remember a bit more often what true peace is.
Who am I… as a Christian?
As a Bible-believing Christian, this topic could be endless.
Under the banner of Christianity, I am a number of things:
The list goes on. But what does that mean for me as an individual?
I read God’s Plans For You by J. I. Packer in the hopes that I’d get some kind of divine revelation as to who I’m supposed to be. Nothing of the sort happened. Although I did gain some further insight as to what kind of individual God wants me to be.
An erroneous thought circulating in Christian circles is that, above all things, God wants us all to be happy. Above all things, God wants Christians to be holy. Achieving that apart from the guidance of the Holy Spirit is no easy task. What does the pursuit of holiness mean? (Another good book for me to read.) It means going after the things that are pleasing to God and pursuing the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
Here’s where God has led me in my Christianity so far:
That’s about as individual as it gets right now. There’s nothing profound or earth-shattering in this post. It’s simply an attempt to get me to figure out who I am as a Christian.
This Journey Is My Own 