June 29, 2019 marked 10 years of having This Journey Is My Own. I still haven’t bought the domain name. I probably should but I’m rather lazy and I don’t have that much readership.
Over a decade, I’ve blogged about God, Christianity, faith, employment (in general), career, infertility, parenting (after infertility), family, goals, books, Haiti, politics, LGBTQ+ issues, my identity, music, current events, race, and other thoughts. Everything is always random. Nothing makes sense. There is no structure to anything. My views are ever-evolving.
How far back can I go to blogging? Well, I have a LiveJournal that dates back to September 2, 2001 but that’s private and I haven’t touched it since 2012. Public blogging? Depression Introspection was begun on July 21, 2006. Technically, I have almost 20 years of blogging under my belt.
So where do I go from here? What topic is left to explore or re-explore? What pisses me off so much that I want to rant about it again? Nothing right now. I’m not passionate about much right now. I just want to survive. That’s all I’m trying to do these days. Is survive. Between work and my personal life (parenting, new house, commute), I’m just trying to survive. Self-care has gone to the wayside. Survival is my new hobby.
It’s a new year and my goal has been to get to the gym on the weekends. I’ve been trying to do 30 minutes or more on the elliptical. As such, there are 10 songs that I’ve selected that help me get through that crunch. In parentheses is the length of the song.
3. King of the Dancehall: Beenie Man – The only song that I own by the Jamaican dancehall king, this is another song that’s actually crass. But the beat in the chorus helps keep me on track. (3:37)
4. Bionic: Christina Aguilera – A high-energy song from the get-go, this futuristic hi-tech sound makes for a heart-pumping few minutes. (3:21)
5. Less Talk More Rokk (Guitar Hero Version): Freezepop – Anything by Freezepop is pure techno heaven and perfect for exercising, but the slow beat at the beginning builds up like a roller coaster ride, taking you through musical twists and turns. I love this song to get my energy up then leveling it out. (4:59)
6. Bulletproof: La Roux – A dance hit during the summer of 2010, this song keeps me going nonstop for 3 straight minutes. (3:26)
8. Oh Timbaland: Timbaland – A little known song off of Timbaland’s album Shock Value, Mr. Moseley encourages the listener to “bounce,” which is exactly what I do on the exercise machine. (3:32)
9. Come into My World: Kylie Minogue – How I could I not include a pop queen like Kylie on my list of workout songs? This song has a steady tempo that’s great for leveling energy out before cool down. (4:32)
10. Make It with You: Bread – It’s no secret that I’m a fan of soft rock, and this Bread song is perfect for slowing my heart rate down. (Or conversely, warming it up.) It’s a mellow song with great tempo. (3:14)
Almost everyone’s got songs that they listen to that they wouldn’t want to fess up to if you heard it in their car. But here I list 10 songs that I listen to that I really know I shouldn’t be.
1. Free Bird: Lynyrd Skynyrd – About a man who goes a-cheatin’ and isn’t repentant about it. There’s nothing redeeming in the song except perhaps that awesome guitar solo.
2. Turn It Up: Paris Hilton – I really shouldn’t be listening or paying attention to anything Paris Hilton does, but I love the beat in this song. Her voice is a tad annoying and breathy, but I can get past it.
3. Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey: Paul McCartney – This song is stupid and makes no sense. “Butter pie?” But I grew up with Paul McCartney as a solo artist and absolutely love the silliness of the song. The silliness and stupidity are what endear it to me.
4. Only Thing I Ever Get for Christmas: Justin Bieber – I always feel a bit like a teenage girl listening to the Biebs. I’m in my thirties. I really ought not to be listening to someone a full decade younger but gosh darn it, he’s so cute!
5. Hot Tottie: Usher featuring Jay-Z – Another song with no moral redeeming value. It’s about cheating too. But Usher’s singing is so sexy, the beat gets my body moving, and Jay-Z’s rap is clever (if not crass). It’s a song I really shouldn’t be listening to.
6. Circles: Christina Aguilera – On the same album in which she sings about loving, not hating, this song is totally about flipping the bird. “Spin around in circles on my middle, middle finger” is not really something I should be listening to but the playfulness of the song draws me in. Even if she ends it with a fine point like “motherf****r.”
7. Gangnam Style: Psy – This man could be talking about pooping on my mother for all I know since I don’t understand Korean. But I love doing that crazy horse dance. This will probably fall off my guilty pleasures list once Psy’s 15 minutes of fame are up, but I’m enjoying the song while it lasts.
8. Cheers (Drink to That): Rihanna – A song that celebrates drowning your misery in alcohol. I’m not an alcoholic (or much of an alcohol drinker) so I don’t know why I’m drawn to the song. (It may be the sample of Avril Lavigne’s “Yeah Yeah” from “I’m With You” that draws me in.) But I love to play it at the end of the long week and sing “Cheers to the freakin’ weekend.” Bonus points if I’ve got a beer in hand while listening to the song.
9. Hungry Like the Wolf / Rio: Glee Cast – Glee manages to do a bang-up job mashing up these two amazing Duran Duran songs. I don’t even watch Glee (I’ve seen a few episodes though) but I discovered this mix and haven’t looked back. I love singing along to this.
10. Reggae Strut: Neil Diamond – A Jewish boy from Brooklyn donning a bad Jamaican accent. Need I say more?
I’ve put together a musical playlist of my life and what I hope my future entails. The following 10 songs express some kind of hope, things that I’ve gone through, or how I feel. They are in no particular order.
Real Bad News: Aimee Mann – This is the song I always think of when I stepped off the plane from college and received the news that my father had died.
I Shall Believe: Sheryl Crow – I’m a hot mess in many ways but I resolve to believe in God even when it’s difficult.
OK: Rebecca St. James – If I could have told my teenage self anything, it’s that life would get better. And everything will be okay.
Gone Too Soon: Michael Jackson – In my opinion, my uncle and my father died much too soon. It’s a beautiful song that expresses loss.
Show Love: Mary J. Blige – Too many people have hated on me in my life and tried to bring me down. This song encourages me to keep my head held high.
Here’s a list of some of my top 10 favorite songs of all-time in no particular order. It was hard to narrow it down to just 10, but they’re songs that I could listen to over and over and never get sick of. (I’ve tried to vary the artists since I could list whole albums by the same artist.)
I’ve been working in the library system for 2 years now, and as I move from one library to another, I want to take the time to reflect on what I’ve learned from working at the library.
1. Most people are nice.I can think of only once incident in which I’ve had a bad experience. That’s not bad for 2 years gone by.
2. Most people want a friendly face. Even if the patron just wants to get in and out very quickly, they usually appreciate a friendly face who is courteous and willing to help them. Often, they will return a smile.
3. Libraries are more than just books. Libraries are community centers where people can get access to the latest movies, music, and audiobooks along with the ability to use computers and take advantage of quality programming.
4. Libraries are the 411 of knowledge. Want to know whether the “a” in “at” in Sergeant-at-Arms is capitalized? (That’s a real question I’ve received.) We can answer that for you. Want to know whether Mrs. Jones still lives on 123 Main Street in King of Prussia, PA? If it’s public knowledge, we can tell you.
5. Libraries aren’t the quiet places they used to be. You can easily find children screaming or running around. In the children’s department at one library I’ve worked at, we were allowed to play music to showcase our musical selection. And with the population getting older and unfortunately getting hard of hearing, you can hear circulation clerks talking a bit loudly. In fact, circulation clerks are probably the loudest people in the library next to small children.
6. Gone are the days of no food or drink. One library I know of has a small cafe area that sells coffee, beverages, cookies, and fruit. Other libraries I know of don’t bat an eye if your drink is too close for comfort near a CPU (central processing unit). Didn’t finish your drink from Starbucks? Feel free to bring it on in!
7. It’s not necessary to know the Dewey decimal system as in the days of yore. The Dewey decimal system is still in use, and some knowledge of it is helpful, but if you want to find comic books, you likely can head straight for the graphic novels section instead of browsing through 741. Some libraries have even ventured to put subject classifications up, e.g., Art, Economics, World War II, Travel so you can browse for things yourself instead of needing to ask whether 917 is still U.S. travel or whether the 200s still house religion.
8. In the case of children’s series, it’s no longer necessary to know the author. Many libraries now have series sections for popular titles such as Magic Tree House, Diary of Wimpy Kid, or 39 Clues. This process simplifies things greatly, especially in the case of the 39 Clues books, which can be written by multiple authors and would be spread throughout.
9. Many libraries now offer a vast selection of e-books, e-audiobooks, and even music. Got an e-reader? It is most likely compatible with the library’s online lending service. Some libraries with large budgets can lend music online, and others with limited budgets simply offer e-books. This online lending service is at little to no cost and often incurs zero fines. Check with your local library if they offer e-books for download and how to take advantage of this valuable service.
10. Check out a magazine! Really want to read last week’s issue of People magazine? Wanted to flip through last month’s InStyle but it’s already off the stands? You have the option of either leisurely flipping through a magazine at the library or checking it out for a minimum of one week.
11. Need information on local history? Your local library probably has a local history section with archives and niche publications.
12. Can’t find the latest release of a movie or album? Ask at the desk! Often, when movies or music are just released, you won’t see them on the shelves because they are out circulating with other patrons. The best way to ensure you get your hands on new material is to ask circulation assistants or reference librarians. They can either check the back office to see if it’s sitting on their shelves waiting to be put out or they can add your name to a waiting list. That way, you won’t have to walk into the library every week hoping you’ll finally see the new release you’ve been waiting for. (And you probably won’t see popular titles for months if you’re not on a list.)
Those are just some of the things I’ve learned from working at a library. What have you learned about the library that you didn’t know before?
Yes, I admit it: I was one of those people who gave up on Alanis after her Unplugged album. When I heard “Hands Clean” from Under Rug Swept, I disowned her as the voice of my tortured soul.
When Jagged Little Pill came out, I was a teenager scorned who had never had a boyfriend but a series of crushes that went all wrong. “Ya Oughta Know” screamed my angst and pain, “Perfect” explained the pressures I felt from my parents to be the overachieving, A+ child, and “You Learn” reminded me that life taught me lessons that I would have to learn from. Morissette’s follow up, Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie still had the right amount of angst for me. 1998 was the year that I became a Christian, but was still searching for inner peace. “Baba” was a cynical song about Eastern religion that I identified with as I wasn’t fully sold on Buddhism, “Thank U” reminded me to be thankful to God and the universe for all the blessings life afforded me, and “Heart of the House” inspired me to become the “goddess” of my home one day.
Most people thought Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie was a let-down, but I thought it was an astonishing sophomore follow-up. Unplugged was my last Morissette album. “No Pressure Over Cappuccino” spoke about the paradoxes of life to me, and “Princes Familiar” made me think that one day, just one day, I’d meet a man who treated me like a princess the way my father always treated me. (That dream has come true, by the way.)
Then I heard “Hands Clean” and thought, Alanis doesn’t speak for me anymore. I need angst. Alanis sucks without the angst. But that’s because I had just gotten out of a relationship gone wrong, and suddenly songs like No Doubt’s “Ex-Girlfriend” were speaking for me.
But I’m rediscovering Alanis. She has grown out of her angst and so have I, making me more receptive to her softer, more contemplative side. Now, I am going through and listening to havoc and bright lights, Flavors of Entanglement, So-Called Chaos, and Under Rug Swept only to realize that I can still identify with her songs but on a different level than before. I’ve grown older with Alanis Morissette, and I’m glad that she didn’t stay trapped in her angst because really, who wants to experience that emotion forever? She would have been stagnant as an artist and artistry is all about evolving. And art sure imitates life.
Ponyo is about a 5-year-old boy who falls in love and promises to forever love a fish that turns into a 5-year-old girl. Not cute.
I am discovering 10,000 Maniacs for the first time and think they are fantastic. (MTV Unplugged was a brilliant endeavor.) I’m on a Natalie Merchant kick as a result.
Whenever I can’t come up with a blog post, I think I’ll just refer you to my favorite hymn, “In Christ Alone” because right now, I’m struggling with so much and need to remember that everything I need is indeed in Christ alone.
My years in the independent fundamental Baptist (IFB) denomination encouraged me to think that practically all music except for the old-time hymns were bad. This came after 16 years of listening to virtually any and every musical genre I wanted. I attended a strict, legalistic Christian college in which all music submitted was evaluated by those in authority to see if the music met the college’s criteria of something that could be listened to during the school term. If it did not meet the college’s criteria, the album was held until the end of the term then returned to the owner.
I spent quite a bit of time in which I listened to nothing but songs and hymns that would fall very much under the genres of classical, choral, and non-percussion instrumental. While I enjoy listening to these genres at various times, limiting myself to these genres alone proved trying. At times, I found classical or choral music quite boring and sleep-inducing while non-percussion instrumental music could contain brass instruments making the song loud, distracting, and downright annoying.
At that time, I really believed that classical, choral, and non-percussion instrumental were sinful and harmful to listen to. I discarded all of my secular albums, ripped up my Beatles and Michael Jackson posters, and thought I was doing my best to be obedient to God. But my actions certainly weren’t motivated by an attitude of love and grace; I did those things in obedience to the commandments of men (Matt. 15:9).
Granted, the general principle behind the legalistic rules is not bad:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. —Philippians 4:8
A great many songs in the secular realm do not meet the criteria above hence the radical fundamentalist view of shunning “worldly rock music.” But then again, a lot of songs that pass for what is called “Christian” don’t meet the criteria above either.
After leaving IFB churches (perhaps even a bit before that), I began to listen to a variety of songs again and discovered how much these songs could positively impact my mood. Here are a few personal examples:
Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” has an infectious electronic melody and beat that gives my mood an upswing, often pulling me out of sadness or depression for a moment, encouraging me (briefly) to dance my cares away.
Mary J. Blige’s “Show Love” is an upbeat R&B song that encourages the listener to not to worry about what others think or say about them but to keep living as best they can and be thankful for what they have.
Sara Groves’s “This Journey Is My Own” is a low-key, somber melodic song in which she expresses how she struggles with her need for man’s approval and how ultimately, the only approval that really matters is the one that comes from God.
Those are only a few examples of how various songs (Sara Groves being the only overtly Christian song on the list) minister to me that would never meet the criteria outlined by my old Christian college and old IFB churches. (Yes, that includes the Sara Groves song.)
A lot of the songs above don’t fly for a lot of Christians. It may be that the songs don’t meet their musical preference (ie, don’t like the sound or lyrics) or that they’re not godly enough. That’s okay as long as they are the ones determining what’s good for them and not someone else. Continue reading “Musical Discernment”→
I’ve been dealing with a huge “fear of man” issue lately—I care too much about what others think of me. I second-guess everyone’s motives, and if my friendship is rejected, speculations fly in my head in determining the possible reason of how I caused the rejection.
There’s a song by Rihanna called “Cheers (Drink to That)” that I really like. (The Avril Lavigne sample from “I’m With You” though? Not so much.) Yes, it’s a song about drinking.
Cheers to freakin’ weekend,
I’ll drink to that (yeah yeah).
Oh, let the Jameson sink in,
I’ll drink to that (yeah yeah).
Don’t let the bastards get you down,
Turn it around with another round,
There’s a party at the bar,
Everybody put your glasses up
And I’ll drink to that!”
I’ve gotta admit, I consider for the length of song drinking all my troubles away. The idea of drinking alcohol to drown all my paranoia and the possible criticism people might be leveling my way sounds enticing. The song somehow gets me all warm and fuzzy with the idea of sitting around a bar happily drinking myself stupid with a bunch of people I don’t know in an effort to escape my troubles. I never even dreamed of romanticizing the idea until this song. I wouldn’t lay blame with the song or the singer so much as I do with my interpretation of the avenue I think it gives me.
I’m constantly seeking approval from others. And I know that’s it’s wrong. I know that can only come from God, and I struggle with that. So I desire to drink alcohol to drown out the internal war in my head. I want to drink to deal with the war of truth and lies that rages in my brain.
As the song fades out, each time I need to tell myself, “No, drinking to get comfort only exacerbates the problems you’re dealing with. You must get ultimate comfort from God.”
But God doesn’t dull my senses like alcohol does. When I’m depressed, God doesn’t put me to sleep right away like alcohol can. And whether I drink or pray in the evening, the internal critics return in the morning to torment me. I can’t escape them; I don’t know what to do.
—
The song is just one example that leads into a larger issue of how music (not just melody or beats but also lyrics) can influence a person’s moods and thinking, but ironically, I’ve had a beer tonight (with a BBQ pizza!) and I don’t have the brainpower or energy to tackle a post of that scale tonight.
Image from paducahtruth.blogspot.com
This Journey Is My Own 