Painting Pictures of Egypt

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

—Sara Groves, “Painting Pictures of Egypt

I recently moved to a new home. A house. My husband and I are first-time homeowners. I have 2 kids now. A lot has changed. I was in our apartment since I first moved to Pennsylvania in 2006. We moved to our new home in December 2019. 13 years there. 13 whole years. That’s over a decade and time to plant yourself somewhere. Especially for renting.

Now I’m in my new home—house—I miss my apartment. I miss the memories. I miss the familiarity. I miss the convenience. I lived right across the street from the train station, was near a nice library, and around the block from good friends. Everything was in walking distance with access to various restaurants. It was a walkable town. It felt more like the suburbs of Long Island in which I grew up.

Continue reading “Painting Pictures of Egypt”

My favorite artist/lyricist: Aimee Mann

Aimee Mann is the best song lyricist that I know of. Her lyrics are funny and clever in a way that many other artists’ lyrics are not. Two of the songs I enjoy by Ms. Mann include “Driving Sideways” and “Stranger into Starman.” With another song, “Save Me,” I resonated deeply with the lyrics because I felt like I was part of “the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone.”

In Christ Alone

Whenever I can’t come up with a blog post, I think I’ll just refer you to my favorite hymn, “In Christ Alone” because right now, I’m struggling with so much and need to remember that everything I need is indeed in Christ alone.

Listen to In Christ Alone.

Musical Discernment

Image from paducahtruth.blogspot.com

My years in the independent fundamental Baptist (IFB) denomination encouraged me to think that practically all music except for the old-time hymns were bad. This came after 16 years of listening to virtually any and every musical genre I wanted. I attended a strict, legalistic Christian college in which all music submitted was evaluated by those in authority to see if the music met the college’s criteria of something that could be listened to during the school term. If it did not meet the college’s criteria, the album was held until the end of the term then returned to the owner.

I spent quite a bit of time in which I listened to nothing but songs and hymns that would fall very much under the genres of classical, choral, and non-percussion instrumental. While I enjoy listening to these genres at various times, limiting myself to these genres alone proved trying. At times, I found classical or choral music quite boring and sleep-inducing while non-percussion instrumental music could contain brass instruments making the song loud, distracting, and downright annoying.

At that time, I really believed that classical, choral, and non-percussion instrumental were sinful and harmful to listen to. I discarded all of my secular albums, ripped up my Beatles and Michael Jackson posters, and thought I was doing my best to be obedient to God. But my actions certainly weren’t motivated by an attitude of love and grace; I did those things in obedience to the commandments of men (Matt. 15:9).

Granted, the general principle behind the legalistic rules is not bad:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  —Philippians 4:8

A great many songs in the secular realm do not meet the criteria above hence the radical fundamentalist view of shunning “worldly rock music.” But then again, a lot of songs that pass for what is called “Christian” don’t meet the criteria above either.

After leaving IFB churches (perhaps even a bit before that), I began to listen to a variety of songs again and discovered how much these songs could positively impact my mood. Here are a few personal examples:

Those are only a few examples of how various songs (Sara Groves being the only overtly Christian song on the list) minister to me that would never meet the criteria outlined by my old Christian college and old IFB churches. (Yes, that includes the Sara Groves song.)

A lot of the songs above don’t fly for a lot of Christians. It may be that the songs don’t meet their musical preference (ie, don’t like the sound or lyrics) or that they’re not godly enough. That’s okay as long as they are the ones determining what’s good for them and not someone else. Continue reading “Musical Discernment”

Approval from Others: I Shouldn’t Drink to That

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve been dealing with a huge “fear of man” issue lately—I care too much about what others think of me. I second-guess everyone’s motives, and if my friendship is rejected, speculations fly in my head in determining the possible reason of how I caused the rejection.

There’s a song by Rihanna called “Cheers (Drink to That)” that I really like. (The Avril Lavigne sample from “I’m With You” though? Not so much.) Yes, it’s a song about drinking.

Cheers to freakin’ weekend,
I’ll drink to that (yeah yeah).
Oh, let the Jameson sink in,
I’ll drink to that (yeah yeah).
Don’t let the bastards get you down,
Turn it around with another round,
There’s a party at the bar,
Everybody put your glasses up
And I’ll drink to that!”

I’ve gotta admit, I consider for the length of song drinking all my troubles away. The idea of drinking alcohol to drown all my paranoia and the possible criticism people might be leveling my way sounds enticing. The song somehow gets me all warm and fuzzy with the idea of sitting around a bar happily drinking myself stupid with a bunch of people I don’t know in an effort to escape my troubles. I never even dreamed of romanticizing the idea until this song. I wouldn’t lay blame with the song or the singer so much as I do with my interpretation of the avenue I think it gives me.

I’m constantly seeking approval from others. And I know that’s it’s wrong. I know that can only come from God, and I struggle with that. So I desire to drink alcohol to drown out the internal war in my head. I want to drink to deal with the war of truth and lies that rages in my brain.

As the song fades out, each time I need to tell myself, “No, drinking to get comfort only exacerbates the problems you’re dealing with. You must get ultimate comfort from God.”

But God doesn’t dull my senses like alcohol does. When I’m depressed, God doesn’t put me to sleep right away like alcohol can. And whether I drink or pray in the evening, the internal critics return in the morning to torment me. I can’t escape them; I don’t know what to do.

The song is just one example that leads into a larger issue of how music (not just melody or beats but also lyrics) can influence a person’s moods and thinking, but ironically, I’ve had a beer tonight (with a BBQ pizza!) and I don’t have the brainpower or energy to tackle a post of that scale tonight.

Insert witty and thoughtful post here

I am none of those things tonight. I have none of those things tonight. I am empty. I will press forward with life as I struggle to understand how God fits into the every day of life and namely, where He specifically is in mine.

Walking the path of orthodox Christianity is not easy. Yet somehow, every day this is what I inadvertently choose.

I am either a damned fool or bloody brilliant.

 

All my plans fell through my hands,
They fell through my hands.
All my dreams,
It suddenly seems,
It suddenly seems…
Empty.

~The Cranberries: “Empty”~

Music Monday: All the Right Moves

I love OneRepublic. I loved their debut album and I love their new single. I’m excited for their sophomore release on November 17.  And I also love their video. Apparently, I’m full of love for OneRepublic. I’m also ridiculously pathetic because I’ve been listening to this song on repeat on Grooveshark all day. I finally caved an hour ago and bought the single off of iTunes.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Music Monday: All the Right Moves“, posted with vodpod

This Journey Is My Own

So the name of this blog is “This Journey Is My Own” based off of a song by Sara Groves of the same name. Its accompanying sub is “Attempting to live and breathe for an audience of one.” I’m amused by the tagline since this a public blog. In the end, however, what I do and chronicle on here is ultimately for God so no holds barred anymore.

I have another blog, Depression Introspection, currently hosted at Typepad but am working on moving it to WordPress. You can find what I’ve got so far here: http://depressionintrospection.wordpress.com.

Depression Introspection was begun as a blog to focus solely on various aspects of mental illness: depression, bipolar disorder, suicide, schizophrenia, psychotropic medications, among other topics. Now I feel like I’ve outgrown the site. Continuing to post there would put me in a psychological box. Depression Introspection was created specifically for address mental health issues and I don’t want that to be the sole focus of my blogging.

I’m also at a point where I need a place to rant and vent about life in a teenage-like style. I avoided that for the most part on the blog, which was also informally titled deepintro. I intend to rant and rave as much as I like here.

I started out under the pseudonym of Marissa. Now I’m posting under my nickname Kass because I’m tired of trying to hide who I am. It gets tiresome. It gets old. I used to blog about my job. For the sake of employment, that’s probably the one topic that will remain off this blog.

I selected “This Journey Is My Own” as the name of my blog because I think the song expresses so much of what I struggle with. Groves sings poignantly of the issues of people-pleasing, one of the greatest sins in my life. You can read the lyrics to the song here and listen to the song here.

I hope to blog on a variety of topics including mental health. We’ll see what happens.