Tag: job

Diversity and inclusivity

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I found a new church last fall but have only really begun attending in earnest in February or March of this year. New job, new church, who dis?

It’s the kind of church I’ve been looking for but thought I’d never find: diverse and inclusive. Solid Biblical preaching while also being LGBTQ+ affirming. All kinds of races, ages, and genders. Single people are valued just as much as people who have partners. It’s kinda scary how much I love my church TBH. Nothing in life can be this perfect.

It’s a complete 180 from where I’ve come: my church has a female pastor and sings worship songs that I probably would’ve made fun of 3 years ago. (The songs are growing on me actually. But my son doesn’t care for them.)

I’m also at a job that is diverse and inclusive. These are specific areas that I’ve wanted to target in the past few years, and I feel blessed that God is providing these opportunities.

No expiration date

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I should probably do a review of previous blog posts and strike out anything I don’t believe anymore. This blog is 13 years old and I’ve evolved, changed, and grown, especially on the topic of homosexuality.

I started this blog after depression introspection to talk about all things personal. Nonsensical and random, really. Depression introspection focused solely on the topic of mental health. This blog was about me. My thoughts. My feelings. It still IS about me no matter how rarely I use it.

These past few years have been a whirlwind. I’ve blogged about it here and there from time to time, but a full update is overdue.

I have 2 kids: a son and a daughter. My husband and I have been together for almost 19 years. After going through a season of infertility for so long and trying to conceive, it is weird to be in a stage of life where I’m no longer actively pursuing building a family. My family is built. And I feel complete.

I left a job I was at for 5 years to pursue a new opportunity that I thought would help me grow. It did help me grow, and I’m grateful for the experience, but…I didn’t even last a full year at the job. It wasn’t a good fit for me. But I learned new things and expanded my knowledge so I don’t regret my time there.

Now I’m at a new job where I’ve been working for a little over 3 months. I…love it. It has a great work/life balance, I get paid more, and the people I work with (from bottom to top) are completely awesome. I love my boss and his boss and his boss. No one in my department seems too haughty to work with, and I appreciate that people—especially upper management—are available and accessible to everyone. And everyone seems to have a vital role and isn’t just there for the sake of being there.

I mentioned this in early 2020, but we bought a house. It’s open concept and spacious, but it feels kinda small (in terms of bedroom space) ever since the pandemic. My office is open office (like an office setting, I suppose), which doesn’t allow for much privacy. But I make it work somehow.

I’m thinking about getting a dog. My son is deathly afraid of dogs and needs to get over his fear. He is scared to wait at the bus stop because one of the parents of a kid at the bus stop walks their dog at the same time. Of course, the one dog I introduced him to at 3 was not a dog friendly to kids and that has traumatized him ever since.

I just finished potty training my daughter. She still hasn’t gotten the hang of number 2, but she’ll get it in time. I’m never potty training a kid again.

I’m sure there’s more news that I’m not thinking of, but that’s the update on my life. Myself, job, family, and home.

Friends? They’re around somewhere…

Mid-July Ramble

~ K ~ 2 Comments

Every time I’m away from a computer (like, oh say, when I’m driving), I begin composing a blog post in my head. Now that I’m actually at a computer, my brain is blank.

The Mundane

I’m working three different jobs at the moment and about to lose my mind: the library, proofreading at an ad agency, and editing a book. I’m not used to working three different jobs in 12 hours. It’s actually rather tiring. I need downtime or I get cranky and miserable.

Other thoughts

I’ve accepted that I’m not called to be a parent for a while. It’s a difficult thing, but I’m trying to be okay with it. Especially since it seems like every month that goes by leaves someone else who I know with the happy knowledge of a new addition to the family. I really don’t want to be whining/complaining about this 5 years from now. (Yes, I know I whine and complain about this.)

I’ve decided that God’s basically testing to me to see if I will continue to love Him despite what I can’t get. In my pain and suffering, I can’t see that so much. It just feels like He’s holding out on me. (And I still think that to some extent.) But if I ask my mom for something and she can’t give it to me, I don’t get mad at her and give her the cold shoulder. I get disappointed and grudgingly say “Ok” and move on. My love for my mom isn’t predicated on what she can give me. So why would I treat God like that? Maybe because I know everything is in God’s power so I expect He should do whatever I want? I don’t know; I’m really just typing out loud. (wink)

Family

I’m learning (the hard way really) that just because someone is related to me doesn’t mean they need to/required to love me or care about me. Some do but it’s not necessarily something that everyone in my family holds true to. This knowledge is painful because it forces me to stop seeking love and approval from people I want to care about me. In some ways, it hurts worse than people who aren’t related to me but I have to stop treating certain family members like they should love me just because our parents are related. I need to let go of the hurt and pain I feel from them. I have tried to reach out to them as adults and I can’t break through their clique. It’s about time that I stop trying to fit into a clique. I’ve never been a clique sort of girl—ever—anyway.

—

Life isn’t the worst it’s ever been for me but it’s a very difficult, stressful time right now with a lot of changes occurring. I’m thinking of pursuing another career endeavor in which I could fail spectacularly. (If you’re going to fail, do it with flair, right?) I’m swimming in mounds of debt with the current of people I owe taking me under. I have a lot on my mind. I feel like a failure in a lot of ways. It’s difficult to stay positive and upbeat and believe the future holds better when things, in some respects, look so bleak.

I’m reading Bethenny Frankel’s latest book, A Place of Yes. Say what you want about the Real Housewife/entrepreneur but I love her to pieces. She is a typical New Yorker: frank, no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is, and in-your-face. It’s also the other reason I enjoyed Jillian Michaels’s book, Unlimited. I need reading material that inspires and motivates me without sugar-coating my weaknesses and problems that I create. And right now, I definitely need some of positive motivation.

And don’t get me started on where I’m at in my spiritual life right now…

Still searching for an identity… part 1

~ K ~ 6 Comments

Topics running through my mind:

1. Motherhood
2. Writing
3. Blogging
4. Career
5. Job with contract company
6. Faith/religion/God
7. Lack of consistency/discipline
8. My personality–always desiring to be someone I’m not

My mind is all over the place so let’s cover all of these topics–though not necessarily in the order listed and definitely not all in this post. I ended up handwriting this post first (over the course of 2 hours) which amounted to about 22 pages on 7″ x 10.5″ paper. So this will end up being a series posted during the next couple of days.

Desiring to be someone who I’m not.

So I follow all these pastors, read their works, and am a HUGE fan, ie, Driscoll, Piper, and Packer. And sometimes I find myself wishing I could be a pastor. But it’s not a dream I can entertain myself with since I’m a woman and believe the Bible says only men are called to be pastors. (Yes, I know female pastors exist but I don’t agree with them.)

I find myself thinking, “Lord, why didn’t you make me a guy?” But then I realize guys don’t have it easy. My husband has to answer to God for the spiritual direction of our family. No, thank you. It’s hard enough being responsible for myself!

I used to look at other women and wish I could be them–wish I could have their lives or attractive personalities. For example, my older cousin whom I love to pieces. I used to look up to her. In a lot of ways, I still do. She’s strong, she’s a leader, she’s independent, and she’s self-sufficient. But she’s not married and doesn’t have any good prospects in the wings (that I know of). Do I really want to trade my husband just so I can have all those awesome qualities I am so envious of?

Funny like one of my friends. I wish I was like that. I wish I was sweet and likable like my former co-worker. I wish I didn’t care what anyone thinks of me like my hairdresser. Who looks at me and gets envious? But I guess we can all find something to envy about each other, right?

Materialism.

I’m not incredibly materialistic but hoo boy am I definitely tied to the things of this world. Money–something I use, not necessarily for material possessions (although my current obsession is IKEA), but to make myself feel worth something.

Yes, I tie my worth to whether I make money. Problem is, I don’t know how to “untie” it.

When a month or two go by and I haven’t heard from the company I contract for regularly, I self-deprecate and get negative:

“What if they never call me again?”

“What if my work from last time was sloppy and they just don’t want me back?”

“I’m not earning any money so I’m worthless and useless and my life and existence is pointless.”

But when I work, I suddenly have worth again. I feel I can legitimately complain about how the government uses taxpayer money because 30 percent of what I make goes to state and federal taxes each quarter. (That’s what happens when you’re self-employed in the U.S.!)

But what will happen when my full-time job becomes mother? How will I assess my worth then? Will I be worthless as a citizen of the U.S. with a purposeful existence as a mother? Will I be more useful than I’ve ever been?

My husband argues that his money is my money. I don’t see it that way. I have access to his earnings and he can have access to mine (I make significantly less than he does so he rarely has any need to) but I treat our earnings separately. I tithe off of whatever I make and don’t ever touch his. I don’t feel right taking his money–that he worked 40+ hours during the week to earn–and acting like it’s mine. I didn’t earn it. I never showed up to code a software program; he did. It’s not mine. And buying a gift with his money just seems so lame; I’d rather buy nothing at all. I can inherit it if he dies–just like I inherit my mother’s house–but it’s not mine until then. I’ll use it with his permission but I’ll always feel indebted to him. (Out-of-context verse time!) The borrower is slave to the lender.

Motherhood.

I don’t like to publicly discuss this in detail since I never wanted kids before last year and still really wrestle with the prospect of being a responsible, mature mom. As a result, I’ll be brief: I’m impatient, I’m disappointed every time I find out I’m not expecting, and I wonder if motherhood is what God has for me.

In search of an identity… career.

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I always tied my identity to what I did for a living. Americans are notorious for doing this.

Stranger: So tell me a little bit about yourself.

Me: Well, I’m a freelancer. I edit, proofread, and write articles.

I need to break the notion that I am my job. Kass does not equal writer.

I have this bad tendency to equate my self-worth to my accomplishments and achievements. The ironic thing is that my worth does not come from what I’ve accomplished or achieved but what Christ has already accomplished and achieved for all of mankind (including me!).

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price.” — I Corinthians 6:19-20