Tag: infertility

Ramblin’ Rose

~ K ~ Leave a comment

National Infertility Awareness Week

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week, and I’m all too aware that I don’t have kids. So what’s next? What does raising awareness about infertility mean?

It’s about learning to be sensitive to childless couples, especially those who are struggling to conceive children. Here’s an old post I wrote about Six Ways to Be Considerate of Childless Couples.

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Beyonce

Beyonce was just named by People Magazine as the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. I, for one say, Beyonce is overrated. She’s a very beautiful individual, no doubt, but really, People Mag couldn’t find any other woman in the WORLD who is prettier? I’m on Beyonce overload anyway after her whole pregnancy and made-up after-birth photos. (Who looks that polished after just having kids? I mean, really.)

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People Assuming I Like Barack Obama Because I’m Black

My blackness does not equal a love for the first black president. It’s just that simple. It does not necessarily translate into a love for the other political side either.

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Michelle Obama

I have no issues with the First Lady and I’m baffled with people who do. I mean, she isjust the First Lady. She ain’t Barack running the country. But that’s just me.

Six Ways to Be Considerate of Childless Couples

~ K ~ 6 Comments
Image from cymotivations.blogspot.com

I’ve been writing a lot about childlessness and infertility lately because that’s been on my mind and my heart. I don’t know if it’ll help anyone but it’s out there.

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We were recently at a gathering where a married couple announced they were expecting their first child. For most of the night, the conversation revolved around the couple and their impending child. We were the only couple without children that night and no one stopped to consider whether we wanted kids or whether the conversation could be hurtful to us.

I don’t blame others for not knowing how we felt that night, but is ignorance really bliss for all involved? Stop to consider what a couple may be going through before you ask them a question about having kids. Here’s how to be sensitive to a couple who do not have children.

1. Make general conversation. Pick a topic in which everyone can provide input. Pregnancy for couples without children is not one of those topics.

2. Invite the childless couple into the conversation even if it is about children. Don’t shut them out because of awkwardness. Ask them if they are planning on having kids. It is a dreaded question for some couples but it opens the door to feeling included.

3. Follow up on the answer. Is the couple happy being child free? Maybe they don’t want to spend the rest of the night talking about kids they’ll never have. Is the couple unhappy being child free? Be sensitive to this. This couple definitely does not want to dwell on a topic that is painful for them.

4. Be considerate. If you recognize conversation about your kids or children in general went on too long, seek out the couples’ feelings on the matter. Some couples will be fine but other couples may feel slighted. Most couples will react graciously after the fact as they recognize not everyone knows what they are dealing with.

5. Don’t forget. If, as a married couple, you once had trouble having kids, don’t forget that painful period in life. Let it serve a purpose. And if you discover that a married couple is having trouble conceiving, don’t forget this when you are around them. You won’t be ignorant anymore and would be held responsible for what you know.

6. Pray for the childless couple. Whether happy or unhappy without kids, this couple would love to be prayed for. Everyone has ongoing needs and they are not less in need of prayer because they do not have children.

Dealing with infertility is not easy for any couple. However, awareness is the key to not letting couples feel shut out. And if someone is single and past childbearing age, having lengthy conversations about pregnancy and babies is just cruel. Remember to be considerate and aware of those around you.

What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Lots of baby announcements that are not yours.

Writing about infertility has actually been difficult for me lately. It leaves me with stilted language and incomplete thoughts. I have privately published posts with words here and there—words that wouldn’t make sense to anyone but convey the pain and sadness in my own heart.

The crappy thing about infertility is that it often leaves the sufferer with an unhealthy dose of envy. Suddenly one must battle covetousness in ways like never before.

I know someone who isn’t able to attend a baby shower because it is unlikely she will ever have kids of her own. I can only attend baby showers for very close friends, and even then, it is difficult for me to do so with complete and joyful abandon.

Infertility has brought the cream of my sinfulness to the top, and I really hope God skims it right off.

Happy is the woman (or man) who can joyously celebrate another couple’s announced pregnancy without feeling a twinge of envy or bitterness!

Preggomagnetism

~ K

Preggomagnetism: The basic mechanism by which pregnancy announcements of others are drawn to infertile couples.

In the past 3 months, I’ve learned of 8 women who are pregnant. After 2 years of dealing with this, I should be used to it. I should start being happy for all of them and stop being bitter. I keep trying to tell myself that I’ll one day join that happy category but month after month goes by and I’m still childless.

I’ve finally made steps to join a local infertility support group. Why not? I can piss and moan about not having kids to other people who feel the same way.

A friend has kindly told me that I need to stop comparing myself to other people. This has made me realize my habit of “Keeping Tabs on the Joneses” rather than “Keeping up with the Jonses.” I have the ability to look at what everyone else has and think wistfully, Gee, I wish I could have that.

Perhaps it’s my friend’s maturity in age and longevity of infertility that allowed her to not experience that problem. I suppose there’s something to be said for the resiliency developed the longer one deals with the problem.

Infertility (when you don’t want it) is a curse. Of course, there are those well-meaning people who say, “Enjoy the time you and your husband have! You’ll never get it back!” or “Enjoy your child-free years! God is using this period to teach you something valuable!”

Bottom line: there is no blessing in dealing with pain, grief, and hurt month after month. It’s hard not to be angry with God because He chooses to bless some couples with kids and doesn’t allow others to have any. Because health insurance costs have become an issue, my husband and I will not be able to pursue infertilty treatments for the rest of the year. We’re praying for a miracle.

But not expecting one at all.

Infertility. There. I Said It.

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Two years ago, I began a journey to have a kid. I wrote about the implications of trying to conceive (TTC) and mental illness on my other blog, depression introspection, more than a year ago.

Now thousands of dollars and a few medical treatments later, I am still childless. Sure, I haven’t been on the infertility journey for as long as many other couples but to hear doctors already talking IVF (in vitro fertilization) doesn’t give me much hope.

I’ve been using my conception journey as a form of gauging how much God loves me. Yes, I know, it’s inaccurate. Yes, I know, being childless is not God’s way of punishing me and my husband. I know these things.

And then I see people conceive on the first try. “Fertile Myrtle.” I watch other women cry over brief pregnancies and think, “You’re still more of a mother than I’ve ever been.”

It’s interesting how there are different ranges of infertility. In the course of two years, most couples who have tried for that long have experienced at least one miscarriage. So far, we have no hope that we can ever conceive a child. And it makes me angry.

I’m angry because I thought God called us to be parents. I’m angry because I hated kids, didn’t want them, and now I’m sitting here grieving over what I don’t have and money I hoped would get me to where I wanted to be.

I’m sad because I watch parents take their children for granted and not realize what a blessing it is to have what so many others cannot.

And I’m angry with God. Because this is all under His control. At the end of the day, I play roulette with science and hope in God. And God consistently tells me “no.”

So what am I supposed to do? Where do I turn now? Where do I go?

I know that being pregnant won’t make things A-OK with God. I have a lot of issues to work through. My husband does too. But I just want to know that I’m not some woman filled with a delusion of being a mom. I want to know that God is somewhere saying, “Yeah, keep working at it, but not yet.” I want to know that He still cares about me and my husband.

And I was really hoping to give a big middle finger to the doctor who made us feel like we were wasting our money during the last cycle. I guess he knows what he’s talking about and we’re the fools who threw money into a long-shot gamble.

I’m just beside myself with grief and pain today.

Children Don’t Belong to Moms; They Are A Loan from God

~ K ~ 5 Comments

Image: phanlop88 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

After hearing a good friend’s testimony on Saturday, I was reminded of an important truth. Maybe it wasn’t so much a reminder as it was a revelation: “my” children won’t belong to me. They will be “on loan” from God. As a result, only He only will choose when to lend me His creation. Just like library materials aren’t completely mine or Netflix movies aren’t mine but I’m fully responsible for them when they’re in my possession, so it is with the children bestowed upon me. I must remember that God is not withholding anything that is “rightfully mine.” (Technically, nothing is.) I should look at motherhood as a privilege God will allow me to partake in rather than something I inherently deserve simply because of my gender.

I hope I can remember this as I struggle with childlessness each month.

Christian and Childless, Not By Choice

~ K ~ 52 Comments

I haven’t blogged about this topic often, and in retrospect, I’m not sure why. (It’s my blog; I can say whatever the hell I want.)

Millions of women go through the same thing I go through each month and they seem to be just fine in public. Sometimes I cannot go out in public because I’m so affected. Continue reading “Christian and Childless, Not By Choice” →