Tag: enjoy God

“Enjoying God” Series on Hiatus; Focus on Christian Atheism Begins

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Image from http://www.livingbueno.com

For at least a week.

During the week, I intend to live as (demi-)atheistically as I can. I’ll probably fail since some knowledge of God has always been a part of my life, and intensive knowledge of God has been a habit for 12 years. What will change?

Unfortunately, not that much.

  • I won’t be going to church this Sunday. I am not planning on oversleeping to miss it; I just will make a purposeful decision not to go.
  • I will still be reading the devotional plans on my iPhone, courteously provided for free through YouVersion. But since I’m spiritually struggling, they’ve been nothing but words on a page.
  • Not actively praying. My prayer life is minimal at best (maybe a formal prayer once a week?) so it looks like I’m not changing my habits much. Besides, I’ve been praying for various things (and for various people) for a while now and none of those prayers have been answered. Why bother?

Why?

Insight into this decision can probably be gleaned from my last post, “Day 32 of Enjoying God: Faith (or lack thereof).” But I do have a few more reasons as to why I’m making a conscious decision to (kind of) stray away from my faith for a week. Continue reading ““Enjoying God” Series on Hiatus; Focus on Christian Atheism Begins” →

Day 32 of Enjoying God: Faith (or lack thereof)

~ K ~ 7 Comments

If you’re reading this, you probably have no idea how difficult it has been for me to write this series during the past two weeks. I’m contemplating changing the title to “Not Enjoying God.” (Not really, but that’s how I’ve been feeling recently.)

My faith right now is a little shaky. When it rains, it pours. For example, my husband and I are in the midst of being financially drained with this car (and soon, a new[er] one). My husband feels upset, angry, and isolated as if God doesn’t really care. I keep trying to have faith, keep trying to defend that God really is there but really… I’m starting to lose hope myself. There are other issues that pile on top of this that begin to make everything seem very overwhelming.

In the grand scheme of things, we’re not suffering from the worst afflictions in the world: my mother doesn’t have terminal cancer; I don’t have a 4-year-old daughter who drowned in a pool; and none of my immediate family members have been raped (to my knowledge), shot, or killed in a car accident.

But life is life. And there are various issues that I carry in my head and my heart that sometimes make me break down and cry about how unfair everything is. And I pray and pray, hoping that God will hear and rectify the situation but He doesn’t. It’s as if He gives me a polite pat on the back with an unsympathetic smile and tells me to “keep on’ keepin’ on.”

It’s tough to keep my eyes focused on the eternal when the temporal is so damn shitty. I have older friends who desire marriage but God hasn’t brought a potential spouse into their lives; it’s possible He never will. I have friends who desire children and He has repeatedly closed the door on their being able to conceive or adopt. I know people who are looking for a permanent job that will pay the bills and give them some decent health coverage but feel as though they are fighting against a riptide that will soon take them under.

These prayers are part of the mundane but they are ones that have gone on for years. God is God and He can do whatever He wants but it would be nice if He could just answer a few prayers:

  • Give a job with benefits to the woman who just had an emergency hysterectomy so she’s not on the hook for all those hospital bills.
  • Help the family keep their house from foreclosure because they were able to make their mortgage payments just fine until a round of pay cuts were doled out.
  • Make that fertility treatment work for the couple that’s been trying to have a child for 6 years so they’ll finally be able to realize their dream of expanding their family.

I’ve seen God answer my minor prayers. Something as trivial as catching a subway train so I don’t stand out in the cold for an extra 5-10 minutes. Why is He holding out on the bigger ones? I can’t help feel like I’m just a dumb pawn in God’s big chess game:

“Move here, move there. Oops, you shouldn’t have gone there. Here, let me kill you off. In fact, let me just exterminate the whole lot of you.”

“Haha, you! Miserable down there? Want to die? No, I think I’ll just keep you alive and torture you for a bit.”

I believe there’s a God all right, but I’m starting to think He’s really damn cruel no matter what the Bible says.

Day 31 of Enjoying God: Communion

~ K ~ 1 Comment
Image from canbelievable.com

I’m not talking about Holy Eucharist or Lord’s Supper communion. I’m talking about all that sweet fellowship pious Christians like to go on and on about. When was the last time you had communion with the Lord?

Merriam-Webster defines “communion” as “an act or instance of sharing.” Communion is also defined as “intimate fellowship or rapport.” (M-W suggests also looking up communication.) I can’t remember any recent time when I’ve been consistent in my communion with God other than, oh, 10 years ago?

I’m currently in the process of revising my novel to make my main character more complex. She is challenged to have communion with God by another character, but she is in a place of deep hurt, anger, and resentment against God. She rails on the Lord:

I’m feeling angry. I’m feeling hurt, and I’m feeling abandoned. God is love, God is just, blah, blah, blah. God doesn’t give a shit about me or my family. … He hated José, he hates me, and he hates my family. If He really cared, José would’ve lived. If God really cared about me or what I think, He would’ve answered the countless prayers I have made in the past three years. God doesn’t listen. God doesn’t care.

My character doesn’t realize it, but that still counts as communion with God. She is not only telling other people in the room how she feels, but she’s expressing her angst and frustration to God.

In writing my novel, I am reminded that communion with God doesn’t need to come from a light, fluffy place. God doesn’t need a fake “oh, thou dear heavenly Father that created the sun, moon, and stars to shine”; God wants to hear where I genuinely am right now. And if I’m angry, hurt, upset, or frustrated with Him or at life in general, that’s what I should share with Him.

Communion with God can be very sweet fellowship with words of praise or gratitude. But communion with God can be a time of pouring out your heart to Him in a way that you would never express to anyone else. This is true intimate fellowship.

Day 30 of Enjoying God: Comforter

~ K ~ Leave a comment
Image taken from http://www.educol.net

I had a hard time trying to enjoy God today. I spent most of the day depressed, teary, and angry at God.

But I do love snow. I know, I know the Northeast has really been hammered this year but the awe and wonder of snow never fails to delight me. I feel like a 5-year-old every time I see a snowflake. And when I heard thundersnow, I thought to myself, Well, if that don’t beat all…

My husband worked from home today as I ran back and forth on the emotional treadmill of my hormones. He played a wonderful role as comforter in the best way he could. Although my issues make me feel isolated and alone, my husband was a reminder that he was there to comfort and console me through the grief I experience in life.

I know God does that. I know God can do that. I just wasn’t able to enjoy Him that way today.

So I’ll take snow today.

Day 29 of Enjoying God: Creativity

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I never thought about creativity as a way to enjoy God but why not? Since I believe that God is the creator of all things, I also believe He’s the ultimate source of all things creative.

For example, God has shown Himself to be a spectacular artist in nature who constantly receives rave reviews and an eloquent writer (by inspiration of the Holy Spirit) through men.

So why would it be odd for me to enjoy one of the gifts that God gave me with the written word?

Today I had a rare burst of creativity. I got to to work on revising my manuscript, totally revamping the voice and attitude of my main character. I’m happier with Chapter 1 than I’ve ever been since I first wrote the novel in November 2007. And I owe it all to God. I recognize that the same God who painted beautiful sunrises and sunsets with various shades of color can also impart to me the ability to craft beautiful scenes with varying degrees of intensity. I’m thankful for the days when creativity flows from my brain to my fingers and onto the computer screen without intensive thought. (Writer’s block is a bear and something I hope not to experience anytime soon.)

—

Of course, I always discover these things about God just before midnight—the deadline for my daily posts. Maybe one day I’ll learn something about God (and post it) before 7 in the evening.

Day 28 of Enjoying God: Unpredictability

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I’m not unpredictable to God, but He’s unpredictable to me.

While I had a fantastic weekend, in many ways it was frustrating. Electronically, I felt cut off from a lot of things (including my daily posting on this blog), and I also experienced several reminders that NY is no longer my home.

A lot of things happened in the past 5 days that I did not expect: agents to actually be interested in my book, to get practical and worthwhile tools out of the conference, for a very scary online agent to be so amazingly funny.

I also didn’t expect to have migraines for Saturday and Sunday.

This weekend taught me (and life continues to remind me) that my world is unpredictable. God will not have everything go according to MY plan. Things go according to HIS. God, the sovereign creator of all things, designed my tear-filled moments, created the situations in which I became frustrated, and gave me the strength to get up and memorize a 90-second pitch in an entire morning.

One way for me to try and enjoy God is to just go with the flow of life: adapt to the disruptions of life, change the planned road map to match the ground, and recognize that God is at work behind everything, orchestrating things for my good (not necessarily my happiness) and for His glory.

Day 27 of Enjoying God: Favor

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Today, as I was driving around town in my mother’s car I felt very nervous. Since I don’t normally drive my mother’s car, I felt very uncomfortable and insecure about my driving. But as I drove around today, I felt like God was lining everything up in my favor. Whenever I was nervous about switching lanes or pulling out of a parking spot, I had plenty of room to maneuver or no traffic around me.  (For a nervous driver, I had all the best conditions for driving safely!)

I know the whole idea of “favor” sounds Joel Osteen-ish, but I couldn’t help thinking that it was a tiny of glimpse of what Mr. Osteen talks about: God lining up everything to go your way.  And I’m very aware that it’s not something I’ll experience often but for a little part of my day, it felt like God was smiling down on me. As His child, it’s nice to know that God’s favor is not only present just for now but also for eternity.

Day 26 of Enjoying God: Faithfulness

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This week, I have wanted to prove myself faithful to my mom. To show her that I want to be there for her when she needs me.

My husband has also shown his faithfulness—he is there whenever I need him to be. Not necessarily when I want him to be but when I NEED him to be.

God is faithful to me in a similar way. (As with all human analogies, I am aware it breaks down eventually.) He is there both when I want him to be and when I need him to be but He always comes through when I NEED to Him to, for his honor and for His glory—never for mine.

I am thankful to exhibit and receive bits of His faithfulness to and from those created in His image but I certainly have a long way to go in developing in this area and fully enjoying this attribute of God.

Day 25 of Enjoying God: Daily God

~ K ~ 1 Comment
Image from mundiwestport.fashion41.com

Today, I had to write everywhere in the apartment the following: ONE THING AT A TIME. (Yes, in all caps to get my point across to myself.)

I felt overwhelmed by the disarray of my surroundings and all the tasks before me. Visually and mentally, I saw clutter, disorganization, and messiness.

But God, who the Bible calls the Ancient of Days (Daniel 7:9, 13, 22) and is the supreme organizer and task manager, takes things one day at time. (But, if you’re of the day-age theory, 1,000 years can be as a day to the Lord. [II Peter 3:8])

It is why Jesus prays in the Lord’s Prayer (or the “Our Father”) “give us this day our daily bread” (Matt. 6:11).  It is also why Jesus admonishes us not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough trouble of its own (Matt. 6:34).

Whether a Christian subscribes to a 7-day (as humans know it) creation theory or the day-age creation theory, the general idea is that God approached one task or one project at a time:

  • Day 1 (or 1,000 years): God created morning and evening.
  • Day 2 (or 2,000 years): God separated heaven and earth (which had already been created from the beginning).
  • Day 3 (or 3,000 years): God separated land from water and created vegetation.
  • Day 4 (or 4,000 years): God created the sun to shine on the earth by day and the moon to illuminate the earth by night, further adding distinction between morning and evening.
  • Day 5 (or 5,000 years): God created creatures for air and sea.
  • Day 6 (or 6,000 years): God created land species: all animals for land and the first humans.
  • Day 7 (or 7,000 years): God rested, instituted the Sabbath to be holy, and performed no work or tasks.

As the days went on, God got more and more complex with his tasks (going from creating one general thing to two general categories with many subcategories, er, subspecies if you will). But the thing is, God took life one day at a time and to enjoy Him fully, I need to follow that example. I need to stop Americanizing my life by multitasking and overloading myself with 500 things I can’t possibly accomplish one day and approach tasks the God-centered way: one thing at a time, one day at a time.

Day 24 of Enjoying God: Transcendent

~ K ~ 2 Comments
Andromeda Galaxy image from apod.nasa.gov

As humans, people are capable of reason and understanding. But I also believe that people are finite and incapable of understanding everything.

Which is why I’m always amused by some atheists or people who believe that humans can perfectly know and understand everything. (I’m also amused by Christians who act similarly as God does not reveal everything through the Bible.) Did the Big Bang really happen? Maybe. But why couldn’t God have been behind the cataclysmic event? Why do science and religion need to constantly be at odds? Why can they not compliment one another?

I enjoyed reading Evolution, Me, & Other Freaks of Nature by Robin Brande. A teenage girl, who used to be part of a fundamental Christian church, is challenged by the theory of evolution in her science class. Her faith is challenged by science and she discovers that science and her faith do not need to contradict each other, but rather that Biblical text can even support scientists’ theories and assertions.

But does everything need to agree? Do humans need to know and understand everything there is to know and understand? I don’t believe so, and I believe it’s rather arrogant for humans to think that it’s possible to know all and understand all.

From a Christian point of view, I have always thought it very odd for finite beings to try and decipher an Infinite Being. It doesn’t make sense to me that something with limits would be able to fully grasp knowledge of something that is limitless.

God has revealed a portion of Himself to us through holy words, through some dreams and visions, through prophets, and most importantly, through His son Jesus. But if there’s more to God that He hasn’t revealed to us, is it absolutely essential that we know what that is? The transcendence of God means that He is beyond (human) comprehension. So instead of constantly trying to figure out who He is and what He’s up to beyond what He’s already told us, let’s simply enjoy Him as He has made Himself known to us.

Day 23 of Enjoying God: Acceptance

~ K ~ 1 Comment
Image from http://www.rcc.org.au

Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God. —Romans 15:5-7

I struggle with acceptance. I rarely ever feel accepted anywhere. For as long as I can remember, I live this rat race of trying to gain approval and acceptance from others and it’s never enough. I never feel loved enough, cared for enough, wanted enough, appreciated enough—nothing is ever really enough. Proverbs 27:20 says “the eyes of man are never satisfied.” One could also say the heart of man is never satisfied either.

But according to Romans 15:7, Jesus Christ accepts those who come to him. In Jesus, people are accepted and loved. To quote Elyse Fitzgerald from her book, Because He Loves Me, “we are… more sinful and flawed than we ever dared believe, but more loved and welcomed than we ever dared hope.”

To fully enjoy the love of God, I need to recognize that He has accepted me through His son Jesus Christ and the finished work of Jesus on the cross. I need to bathe in that fact so that my desperate need for approval from man wanes and my knowledge of acceptance from God waxes strong.

Day 22 of Enjoying God: Joy

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I am really not in a place of joy.

I am discontent. I am distrustful. I am full of worry and anxiety. I lack peace.

Joy has always been one of my weaker qualities within the Christian life. I struggle with bipolar depression on the physical/mental side of things, but in the Christian life, I also suffer from a severe lack of joy in a lot of areas. Of probably all the fruits of the Spirit, joy competes for first place with patience for Christian qualities I lack.

However, the Bible is clear that joy is an essential quality of God and key to being able to enjoy a part of who He is. Psalm 16:11 and Psalm 21:6 tell us that in God’s presence is “fullness of joy” and joy “with gladness.” And a number of verses throughout the Psalms put this joy into practice, mainly vocally through singing and shouting, but there are also instances in which joy in the Lord is expressed through playing music (Psalm 43:4) and dancing (Jeremiah 31:12-13).

Biblical joy doesn’t seem to be merely happiness (or gladness) although that is a key component of it. Biblical joy includes praise to the Lord. Whenever joy or rejoicing is expressed in the Bible, it is usually accompanied with a form of praise to God. The 2011 Random House Dictionary defines praise in three primary ways:

  1. the act of expressing approval or admiration; commendation; laudation.
  2. the offering of grateful homage in words or song, as an act of worship: a hymn of praise to god.
  3. the state of being approved or admired: The king lived in praise for many years.

It’s not easy to possess joy all the time, but I’m thankful that God calls His children to partake in corporate worship as an act of joy (among other things).

 

Day 21 of Enjoying God: All-sufficient, all-bountiful

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I left off yesterday quoting Jesus at the end of Matthew 6:

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? … For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. —Matthew 6:25-34

Right now, I’m facing a crossroads in my life. I’m trying to decide whether I’m going to live my life for money or live my life for God. I don’t want the fact that my car keeps breaking down to determine how I run my life. I don’t want the fact that I’ve got bills piling up (because that money keeps being funneled into the car) to keep me from doing what a) I think God wants me to do and b) also makes me happy.

It is during this time that I am trying very hard to trust in God for everything I need. Not necessarily what I want but what I need. I may sound pretty pious but it’s a very difficult thing to follow through. I’m currently debating shelving my book (which I really don’t want to do), getting a third job, trying to figure out where I can cut costs to maximize profit, so to speak. All in all, I’m freaking out.

But Jesus admonishes me to seek first God’s kingdom and God’s righteousness and anything else I need will be taken care of. Jesus also admonishes me not to worry about tomorrow. But boy, is tomorrow’s trouble troubling me today.

Day 20 of Enjoying God: Provider

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Image from lanitaslegacy.blogspot.com/2010/09/jehovah-jireh.html

Jehovah-Jireh, roughly translated, means “the Lord will provide.” And boy, is He reminding me that I need Him to provide for us.

I’ve got a ’99 Toyota coupe that’s pushing 130,000 miles. In the past six months, my husband and I have probably put in $2700 of work into this thing: emissions and inspection including getting all four tires replaced in August, a catalytic converter replacement in October, and now in January, some fuel injector and spark plug stuff (among other things). (With the possibility of the other catalytic converter—probably $400—going bad eventually and having to get a $400 air fuel sensor replaced come inspection and emissions time in August.)

Sigh.

Or perhaps, Selah.

Every time we’ve been hit with one of these really expensive car bills (August really took the cake), my freelance job calls needing me to help them out. I charge them a good bit of money so it has helped to pay down these charges, which unfortunately have been going on a credit card.

After glaring at a $600+ bill today, I simply looked to the sky with resignation and said, “Well, Lord, I expect to be hearing from my freelance job next week.” (But in reality, I was looking forward to life slowing down a bit.)

I have to admit how blessed I really am when I stop and think about it. My husband and I aren’t wealthy by American standards (we’re drowning in a heap of debt), but the Lord really has been a provider for us—not when we wanted it but when we needed it. Jesus’ words 2,000 years later ring true for me:

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? … For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. —Matthew 6:25-34

The crazy thing about worry and anxiety is that sometimes it’s based on irrationality—worst case scenarios, if you will. My experience has been that God has not let me down in the area of providing for my daily needs. (Truly the Lord gives us our daily bread as echoed in the “Our Father,” the Lord’s prayer.) I shouldn’t fret about Him letting me down now.

(Although I’m curious to see where money for a newer car might possibly come from.)

Day 19 of Enjoying God: Sovereignty

~ K ~ Leave a comment

It is January 12 and all day I have been wanting to blog about Haiti. But the recent situation in Arizona weighs heavy on my heart as well.

I am not going to pontificate on why God allowed these tragedies to happen. (I was not too happy at this time last year.) But what I have learned in the past year since the Haiti earthquake and continue to keep in mind in light of the Arizona shooting is that God is sovereign—He is in control of all of these situations.

I don’t understand God’s mind, and I can’t explain why He didn’t prevent any of these things when, on many levels, it seems as if He could have kept them from happening. But as a believer in His son Jesus Christ, I will attempt to rest in the knowledge that the finite cannot ever fully understand the mind of the infinite and His ways are much greater than mine. A recurring theme in enjoying God right now is trust, and in all of these things, God is constantly asking me: Will you trust me? Will you trust that my judgment is in everyone’s best interest?

God challenges me and tells me in Jeremiah that He knows the plans He has for us, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give us a future and a hope. And then I wonder about the kind of future a dead 9-year-old has and the hope her parents have. Trust is not always easy.

It is during these times that I find myself a bit somber but also a bit more willing to give up control because I have no control over these situations. I have to rely on the fact that an omniscient, omnipotent God does. Otherwise the world goes to”hell in a hand basket” (as they say) and thinking that way gives me no comfort or peace at all.