Tag: childless

Six Ways to Be Considerate of Childless Couples

~ K ~ 6 Comments
Image from cymotivations.blogspot.com

I’ve been writing a lot about childlessness and infertility lately because that’s been on my mind and my heart. I don’t know if it’ll help anyone but it’s out there.

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We were recently at a gathering where a married couple announced they were expecting their first child. For most of the night, the conversation revolved around the couple and their impending child. We were the only couple without children that night and no one stopped to consider whether we wanted kids or whether the conversation could be hurtful to us.

I don’t blame others for not knowing how we felt that night, but is ignorance really bliss for all involved? Stop to consider what a couple may be going through before you ask them a question about having kids. Here’s how to be sensitive to a couple who do not have children.

1. Make general conversation. Pick a topic in which everyone can provide input. Pregnancy for couples without children is not one of those topics.

2. Invite the childless couple into the conversation even if it is about children. Don’t shut them out because of awkwardness. Ask them if they are planning on having kids. It is a dreaded question for some couples but it opens the door to feeling included.

3. Follow up on the answer. Is the couple happy being child free? Maybe they don’t want to spend the rest of the night talking about kids they’ll never have. Is the couple unhappy being child free? Be sensitive to this. This couple definitely does not want to dwell on a topic that is painful for them.

4. Be considerate. If you recognize conversation about your kids or children in general went on too long, seek out the couples’ feelings on the matter. Some couples will be fine but other couples may feel slighted. Most couples will react graciously after the fact as they recognize not everyone knows what they are dealing with.

5. Don’t forget. If, as a married couple, you once had trouble having kids, don’t forget that painful period in life. Let it serve a purpose. And if you discover that a married couple is having trouble conceiving, don’t forget this when you are around them. You won’t be ignorant anymore and would be held responsible for what you know.

6. Pray for the childless couple. Whether happy or unhappy without kids, this couple would love to be prayed for. Everyone has ongoing needs and they are not less in need of prayer because they do not have children.

Dealing with infertility is not easy for any couple. However, awareness is the key to not letting couples feel shut out. And if someone is single and past childbearing age, having lengthy conversations about pregnancy and babies is just cruel. Remember to be considerate and aware of those around you.

Preggomagnetism

~ K

Preggomagnetism: The basic mechanism by which pregnancy announcements of others are drawn to infertile couples.

In the past 3 months, I’ve learned of 8 women who are pregnant. After 2 years of dealing with this, I should be used to it. I should start being happy for all of them and stop being bitter. I keep trying to tell myself that I’ll one day join that happy category but month after month goes by and I’m still childless.

I’ve finally made steps to join a local infertility support group. Why not? I can piss and moan about not having kids to other people who feel the same way.

A friend has kindly told me that I need to stop comparing myself to other people. This has made me realize my habit of “Keeping Tabs on the Joneses” rather than “Keeping up with the Jonses.” I have the ability to look at what everyone else has and think wistfully, Gee, I wish I could have that.

Perhaps it’s my friend’s maturity in age and longevity of infertility that allowed her to not experience that problem. I suppose there’s something to be said for the resiliency developed the longer one deals with the problem.

Infertility (when you don’t want it) is a curse. Of course, there are those well-meaning people who say, “Enjoy the time you and your husband have! You’ll never get it back!” or “Enjoy your child-free years! God is using this period to teach you something valuable!”

Bottom line: there is no blessing in dealing with pain, grief, and hurt month after month. It’s hard not to be angry with God because He chooses to bless some couples with kids and doesn’t allow others to have any. Because health insurance costs have become an issue, my husband and I will not be able to pursue infertilty treatments for the rest of the year. We’re praying for a miracle.

But not expecting one at all.

Christian and Childless, Not By Choice

~ K ~ 52 Comments

I haven’t blogged about this topic often, and in retrospect, I’m not sure why. (It’s my blog; I can say whatever the hell I want.)

Millions of women go through the same thing I go through each month and they seem to be just fine in public. Sometimes I cannot go out in public because I’m so affected. Continue reading “Christian and Childless, Not By Choice” →

Just another manic-depressive Monday

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Perhaps. Not really. But I couldn’t think of anything else to title this blog post that’s a mélange of things swirling around in my head.

I may stop attending the women’s Bible study at my church. You’d think that with a Bible study, I’d attend to—what else?—learn about the Bible. However, every time I’ve walked into the Bible study, I’ve left feeling depressed, hopeless, and sometimes on the verge of despair. No one says anything rude to me or hurts my feelings. Perhaps it’s a spiritual battle that wages once I set foot in those doors but more often than not, I’ve walked in like sunshine and left as a gloomy raincloud. I know people can’t read minds but usually people are so busy with their own concerns, no one really knows it. To be fair, I also don’t stick around to give anyone the ability to detect it.

But for some reason, I’ve come to expect more from the Bible study. Not just learning about God’s word but also being able to connect what we read to who we are and what we’ve experienced. Most of the women in my Bible study do that but for some reason, I feel as though I have a muzzle on my mouth and can’t quite speak as though my experiences are inferior and my pain isn’t valid.

If I’m quite honest, the things that have shaped my experiences in life—apart from God—are my depression and bipolar disorder, two rather disturbing topics. I know not how to speak of much else and the way I look at life is framed primarily by those two lenses. The additional topic of not being able to conceive a child as soon as I hoped eats away at me like freshly laundered clothing surrounded by moths. Very few people know how deeply my pain runs on something that I’ve prayed for a year now.

But with reluctance, I’ve come to accept that even with nearly 5 years of marriage under my belt, God doesn’t want me to have kids at this juncture. However, he seems to be blessing my efforts in obtaining a part-time job, which I’ve seen as a mixed blessing. I submitted applications to four different employers for part-time positions and within 2 weeks, heard back from all of them—one outright rejection; one implied rejection; and two callbacks for scheduled interviews. In less than a month since I applied for a part-time job, I will have already gone through two rounds of interviews for two positions. (Determinations should be made this week.)

While God has been very gracious to me on the job front, I’m broken and dismayed at how he’s kept the door to childbearing solidly shut. I would have happily forgone a part-time job to stay at home and rear a child. The ease with which I’ve been able to interview for two different positions (I’ll likely have my pick when all is said and done) is something that can only come from God in an economy where unemployment is in the double-digits. But I must also acknowledge that the inability to have conceived a child as easily or quickly also comes from God. Based on the Old Testament, Bible readers know God opens wombs and closes them as well. (I’d start sobbing at my computer right now but I’m at a freelance job, fighting back the lump in the throat that precedes tears in my cubicle.) I suppose all I can do right now is redouble my efforts on revising my novel, focusing on making connections in the publishing world, and investing in the necessary tools and resources to help me reach my professional writing goals (the PT job is a step toward that). 

I’m amazed at how quickly God answered something I barely prayed for when He’s also chosen to not answer something I’ve been praying (and cried over) for much longer. Ah, only those who are list-ordering freaks and concerned with “first come, first served” fret over such trivialities. God hasn’t wiped my older prayer off the table; He’s just chosen to tackle the request at the very bottom of the list.

I still grieve, though. Every month. I know I’m not alone but I sure do feel like it once a month. An emotional pain so acute and so intense that it seems almost no one could possibly understand how you feel. I doubt I could survive the emotional turmoil of a miscarriage if the grief of not being able to conceive a child is so bad.

I’ve given up for now. The constant worrying and waiting and wondering each month has been too much of an emotional pendulum for me. And given my history with mental illness, it’s unlikely I’ll ever be cleared to adopt.

I’ve always fantasized of being part of a regular group of gals a la “Sex and the City.” Have a core group of women you trust, can share your life and problems with, and know that they’ll be there for you if you need them. But I’ve merely fantasized about it. Damn you, Hellywood, for making such unrealistic scenarios so attractive!

I’m friendly but I suppose I’m not a real friend-maker. I don’t watch reality TV or any of the popular TV shows that people bond over. At work, I engage people in conversation but keep most of my life and personal details to myself. There’s not much interesting about me beyond the fact that I’ve written a novel, maintain several blogs, like to surf the Internet, enjoy watching baseball, listen to music, and read. I cook but I don’t particularly enjoy it (although I will salivate over delicacies others have made or the stuff on Food Network… mmm…); I don’t garden and never will; and I don’t engage in any hobbies (except for taking pictures of state license plates, the weirdo that I am); and I’m not well traveled (never been west of the Mississippi, ya’ll!).

Yes, I’m a broken record because I’ve said this all before. (“There is nothing new under the sun,” ring a bell?) I love discussing theological topics, baseball scores and news, recommendations of new music, Harry Potter and other good books, and—perhaps—I may go back to engaging in political discussions. I don’t like to discuss celebrity news much (I don’t care what Lindsay Lohan wore to jail) and don’t care about fashion anymore (if the shirt fits, I’ll wear it!)—two examples of topics I view a bit shallow.

See? A mish-mash, rant-ramble on life and relationships. I don’t think I had a point to this post. May be another one of those posts that I take down because it’s gotten too teenage whiny emo and is fit, rather, for Livejournal.

Also unrelated: I am so good at interviews, I toy with the idea of sharing the secret to successful interviews on a community-scale (see FREE classes). What qualifies me to do this? The fact that I am almost always offered a position with any company I interview with. From an interviewee standpoint, I think that’s pretty darn good. Just something I toy with though.

Something to consider: thoughts from the non-mommy blogger

~ K ~ 6 Comments

I was looking into attending a Christian conference for bloggers and maybe meeting with other Christian blogger-types in the hopes of making real-life connections. When I stumbled upon the conference site, I got the sense that the conference was geared toward married women with children although it was not something that was explicitly stated. After a bit of researching, I very much indeed realized that every woman at that conference had a husband and at least one child and most had dubbed themselves “mommy bloggers.”

Then I thought about the Christian women who aren’t mommy bloggers and how left out they must feel. It’d be kind of rude to have a Christian conference for wives who are childless bloggers or a Christian conference solely for single women. The thought of such an exclusionary meeting is even kind of depressing.

I know several single Christian women and I can only imagine the pain they must endure as ignorant women (like me) babble on about how great their husbands are or how wonderful and sweet their children can be. I also wonder if these same women who desire children get particularly annoyed at parents who complain frequently about their children.

But I digress.

God has called us to live in community and not divisiveness which makes me wonder if there is a place for all Christian women to come together—a conference where women in all walks of life can share their faith and fellowship with one another. I understand it’s harder for single Christian women to take time off for a conference but that doesn’t mean the option to do so should be closed off to them. And a childless wife shouldn’t feel shut out of conferences simply because she is not a mother (for whatever reason).

Gary Thomas, author of the book Devotions for a Sacred Marriage (derived from the wildly successful book Sacred Marriage), had a chapter titled, “Thoughtlessly Cruel” about performing actions that weren’t intended to be hurtful but were anyway. It made me wonder if, in our quest to find people who are just like us and in our stage of life, we are thoughtlessly cruel by shutting them out. Many of us don’t intend to be rude, divisive, or cliquish… it just naturally happens that way. So we end up with groups like “mommy bloggers” then… everybody else. (I’m a semi-regular blogger without a blogger title.)

Please don’t get me wrong: I am not knocking mommy bloggers (although I’ll admit to not being fond of the term). Mommy bloggers have become such a powerful force within recent years that advertisers and merchants are taking advantage of this group by hosting giveways on their blogs. Mommy bloggers are quite the influential group and I have a few mommy blogger friends myself.

But what about the childless bloggers? The unmarried bloggers (who may or may not be childless)? Perhaps there’s a group I’m even forgetting. Don’t these people matter?

Beyond Christian conferences, however, my challenge is really directed to believers who are part of a local church. How often do we overlook the people who are single but have a strong desire for marriage and children? How often do we ignore the pain of couples who desire a child so greatly but have not been able to conceive or adopt? And how have we shut out couples who have prayerfully chosen to remain childless in a religious culture that makes it an imperative to have children?

Just something to consider.

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(Side note: In the future, I hope to be a blogger who happens to be a mom rather than a mommy blogger. I worry that the identity of becoming a mother will take me over and swallow me whole leaving me with nothing but just a shell of who I used to be. But that is a post for another day.)