Tag: babies

My experience with postpartum depression (PPD)

~ K ~ 2 Comments

My postpartum depression (PPD) was instant. The day my son was born—after my placenta was taken out—my pregnancy hormones plummeted and my emotions went off a cliff.

I cried nearly every day for the first 5 weeks of my son’s life. What should have been a happy, joyous time in my life was filled with overwhelming sadness and hopelessness. I felt guilty about everything:

  • I didn’t know how to take care of this being who was so completely dependent upon me
  • I had waited so long for him but was unable to enjoy him
  • I was failing not only as a mother but also a wife

The characteristics of PPD? You name it, I had it.

  • Constant crying
  • Feelings of hopelessness
  • Feelings of worthlessness
  • Scary thoughts
  • Trouble bonding
  • Guilt
  • Anger
  • Sadness
  • Suicidal thoughts

And very many other things.

People encouraged me to have confidence as a mother but I now recognize that confidence is something that develops over time. I’m more confident with my son 9 weeks postpartum but I’ll probably feel ever better 19 weeks postpartum.

I like to think I’m out of the woods with PPD. Feelings of intense sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness have gone away. Scary thoughts have mostly disappeared. Panic attacks, which used to be frequent, have become rare. But I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still adjusting to this motherhood thing. I’m still afraid of hurting my son. Sometimes I’m afraid that I made the biggest mistake of my life—one that I can never undo.

I frequently don’t feel up to the challenge of being a mother. Even though it requires very little from me (eg, changing diapers, bottle feeding), it feels as though I have to give the world.

I want to enjoy motherhood—fully and completely. Although I have glimmers and moments, I’m still very scared to be alone with my son. I am highly dependent upon others to help me take care of him.

In one sense, that’s great—I have a supportive and loving community. On the other hand, I feel like a complete and utter loser.

I’m still in the middle of my PPD journey. Nine weeks postpartum and I’ve made some progress. But I have a long way to go.

My Pregnancy Story: Difficulties and Challenges

~ K ~ Leave a comment

The majority of my pregnancy was difficult. Although I wasn’t on complete bed rest, a perinatologist (er, ultrasound doctor) evaluating my case recommended partial bed rest.

Where to begin? Continue reading “My Pregnancy Story: Difficulties and Challenges” →

Learning to Love My Son

~ K ~ 4 Comments

This post isn’t exactly fun to write, but I am making it public in the hopes that it might help someone who may feel similarly. I’ve been seeing posts written by other women about the topic of postpartum adjustments and it feels important to add my voice to the mix. Continue reading “Learning to Love My Son” →

This Fertility Journey Is My Own

~ K ~ 3 Comments

Hello all,

It’s been a while since I’ve written about anything on this blog, mainly because I haven’t had much to write about. But after Shady Grove Fertility, which I will henceforth refer to as SGF, highlighted the brief mention I gave them on my end-of-summer update, I decided that I want to write about my TTC (trying to conceive) experience and the incredible role SGF and its staff played in my fertility journey. (I will be using the pronouns “my” and “me,” but please recognize that this fertility journey is really an “us” and “we” experience that includes my spouse.) P.S. This post may be a bit on the long side, so settle in with a nice cup of coffee or tea. Continue reading “This Fertility Journey Is My Own” →

Children Don’t Belong to Moms; They Are A Loan from God

~ K ~ 5 Comments

Image: phanlop88 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

After hearing a good friend’s testimony on Saturday, I was reminded of an important truth. Maybe it wasn’t so much a reminder as it was a revelation: “my” children won’t belong to me. They will be “on loan” from God. As a result, only He only will choose when to lend me His creation. Just like library materials aren’t completely mine or Netflix movies aren’t mine but I’m fully responsible for them when they’re in my possession, so it is with the children bestowed upon me. I must remember that God is not withholding anything that is “rightfully mine.” (Technically, nothing is.) I should look at motherhood as a privilege God will allow me to partake in rather than something I inherently deserve simply because of my gender.

I hope I can remember this as I struggle with childlessness each month.

Christian and Childless, Not By Choice

~ K ~ 52 Comments

I haven’t blogged about this topic often, and in retrospect, I’m not sure why. (It’s my blog; I can say whatever the hell I want.)

Millions of women go through the same thing I go through each month and they seem to be just fine in public. Sometimes I cannot go out in public because I’m so affected. Continue reading “Christian and Childless, Not By Choice” →

Day 14 of Enjoying God: Righteous Anger

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I may create a separate blog post on the issue of abortion and the Black population, but after discovering the high rate of abortion in the New York City area, especially among the Black and Hispanic populations, I was grieved.

Then I became angry. Very angry.

I became angry that over half of Black children conceived in the NYC area don’t have a voice and aren’t given a chance to live. They are murdered—their tissues and body parts carelessly bagged up for trash or flushed down the toilet.

Just as I see this as heinous and unfair, I realized that God sees my sin in a similar light. He sees every act of rebellion against Him as heinously as I see abortion. It disgusts Him and makes Him sick and He must turn away from me.

In Jesus Christ, God no longer sees my sin. He sees His holy son who died for my sins and accepts me that way.

Having righteous anger against abortion (or any other type of injustice) is not really a way of “enjoying God,” but it has helped me to understand God just a wee bit better. And that’s the whole point of this series of blog posts: not only to just enjoy God but also to get to know Him better.