You say you’ll give me eyes in the moon of blindness / A river in a time of dryness /A harbour in the tempest / All the promises we make / From the cradle to the grave / When all I need is you
~ U2, “All I Want Is You” ~

The past few days have been a bit strange. I’ve gotten the sense that even though I’ve tried to turn my back on God and walk away from Him, it’s like I’m in His hand and if I run to jump off the edge, He simply cups the other hand underneath to catch me when I fall so I’m still securely within His grasp.

Rinse and repeat.

I’ve been angry, indifferent, frustrated… a variety of emotions that have me “shaking my fist at God,” so to speak. I try to say, “Look, God, don’t want You, don’t need You, go away” as He’s patiently listening, letting me think I’m escaping for a bit when I suddenly realize that He’s still there, right behind me. In a sense, it’s frustrating.

But on the other hand, rather liberating.

Because as I struggle through this spiritual depression, He’s made it very clear to me that He’s still near. In this odd time of feeling faithless and reading the Bible on and off, I’ve got the oddest assurance of salvation through Jesus Christ. (Considering that assurance of salvation is something I struggle with, this is no small feat.)

My pastor, counselor, and friends have challenged me in my faith and through this struggle, for which I am very thankful. I am still stressed and overwhelmed, but am very much getting the sense that God is here—somewhere—with me.

Thanks to all who have prayed/are praying.