You Are Not Alone. I Am Here With You.

~ K ~ 2 Comments

(I think this is the month for Michael Jackson quotations. I mean, after all, he did pass away during the month of June.)

Where do I begin?

If you’re reading this after having recently commented on my last post, Heaven Can Wait, thank you. I always felt alone and as though I didn’t really matter in the world. Then came a storm of warrior moms (I can see why they call y’all warrior moms now!) to my rescue. They encouraged me that things will get better. That this too shall pass. That I am not alone.

The sun is beginning to peek through the overcast sky in my life. I’m feeling worlds better than Tuesday. And even better than when Saturday when I replied to many of your comments.

I am working with a therapist at the Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, PA and we have come up with a solution that can make me an even better mom: have someone else care for my son part-time. Whether that means part-time daycare or a part-time nanny, it will allow me the space and opportunity to take of myself while supporting my family. While I was pregnant, my husband and I decided that I should be a “full-time” stay-at-home mom and work part-time (I work at a library 2 to 3 days a week). Now, it’s looking as though I will be a “part-time” stay-at-home mom who also works part-time. Perhaps getting another caregiver to help me with my son is not me being a bad mom; it’s a way for me to keep my sanity, keep myself alive, and keep myself involved in my son’s life.

I have a call in to my psychiatrist to see him sooner than July 29. I had been doing so well…

I don’t know how many warrior moms are reading this, but I can’t say thank you enough to everyone for their encouragement. It means a lot to hear from other women who have been where I am and tell me to keep going.

Also, Postpartum Progress is a major resource that I’ve been able to use (and raise funds for!). I also want to send a shout-out to Lauren H. (@unxpctdblessing) who runs #PPDChat on Twitter. That group of women was there for me before I even got help.

I had hoped to participate in a local Climb Out of the Darkness in my area, but I don’t know if that will happen. In the meantime, here’s a video celebrating many of the warrior moms who have reclaimed their lives against perinatal and postpartum mood disorders.

2014 Mid-Year Goals Check In

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1. Keep my child alive somehow after birth (prayer, please!)
IN PROGRESS. We’re 4 months in.

2. Visit New York 4 times during the year to see family
IN PROGRESS. We’ve made the trip to New York twice already.

3. List 3 things that I’m grateful for once a week
FAIL. I haven’t done this at all.

4. Schedule a blog post for each season (minimum 4 times a year)
 SUCCESS! I’ve had a post on this blog each month.

5. Use the elliptical trainer on Thursdays or Fridays once a week
IN PROGRESS. I’m just getting back into the routine of exercising regularly.

6. Strength train on Thursdays or Fridays Sundays once a week after the baby is born (DVD videos)
IN PROGRESS. I haven’t started yet. But I have every intention to. (I need to be able to lift that car seat easily!)

7. Complete 2013 NaNoWriMo novel before November 1
IN PROGRESS. I still have before the end of the year to do this, but I doubt I will. I have very little time to myself.

8. Attempt NaNoWriMo in November
IN PROGRESS. This will be a challenge.

9. Completely revise Getting Right with God by December 31
IN PROGRESS. But I really doubt this will happen this year.

10. Read 36 books by December 31
IN PROGRESS. I think I’ve only read 2 new books this year. Yeah…

This Infertility Journey Is My Own

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This time last year. I’m so happy that we decided to pursue fertility treatments. I think our entire family has enjoyed the result: our son.

K's avatarThis Journey Is My Own

I haven’t blogged regularly for quite some time, mostly because I’ve had nothing to say. I still don’t have much of anything to say, although this post will disprove that.

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Children Don’t Belong to Moms; They Are A Loan from God

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Just a reminder for myself on this Mother’s Day…

K's avatarThis Journey Is My Own

Image: phanlop88 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

After hearing a good friend’s testimony on Saturday, I was reminded of an important truth. Maybe it wasn’t so much a reminder as it was a revelation: “my” children won’t belong to me. They will be “on loan” from God. As a result, only He only will choose when to lend me His creation. Just like library materials aren’t completely mine or Netflix movies aren’t mine but I’m fully responsible for them when they’re in my possession, so it is with the children bestowed upon me. I must remember that God is not withholding anything that is “rightfully mine.” (Technically, nothing is.) I should look at motherhood as a privilege God will allow me to partake in rather than something I inherently deserve simply because of my gender.

I hope I can remember this as I struggle with childlessness each month.

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Mother’s Day

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Mother’s Day post from 2 years ago. Even though I am no longer childless and struggling with infertility, my thoughts are with those today who are dealing with motherlessness—the desire for it or the loss of one.

K's avatarThis Journey Is My Own

Image Credit: David Castillo Dominici

My mother will be visiting for Mother’s Day, which I’m thankful for because it takes the sting out of a holiday that’s become painful in recent years.

In dealing with infertility, I am well too aware that I am not a mom and the normal, everyday of life of baby showers, pregnant women, and children remind me of this. I don’t have much to say on this topic except that it’s not the happiest or joyous occasion for every woman. Some women are crying over the fact that they have not been able to have children of their own—whether it be through adoption or natural childbearing.

When I started the journey toward having children, I never anticipated that the journey would be so long and arduous. It comes so easily and naturally for those who want it and those who don’t, why not us?

This…

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Everyone’s a critic (including myself)

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For the next week, I’ll be working full time filling in for someone who is out on medical leave. During that week, my mother will be here.

It’s almost Mother’s Day and I don’t want to sound critical of my mom but…

(Yes.)

…she can be very critical of me with comments about my weight and my parenting.

I’ve adopted this critical attitude toward myself. I’ve realized no one is harder on me than I am. It just often sucks to be validated about the criticisms I lay on myself.

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Working full time (even temporarily) outside the home has made me tired. I barely have energy to think let alone work. Extracurriculars, such as book club and exercise, have fallen by the wayside.

 

 

Full-time negativity

~ K ~ Leave a comment

For the next week, I’ll be working full time filling in for someone who is out on medical leave. During that week, my mother will be here.

It’s almost Mother’s Day and I don’t want to sound critical about my mom, but she can be very critical of me with comments about my weight and my parenting.

I’ve adopted this critical attitude toward myself. I’ve realized no one is harder on me than I am. It just often sucks to be validated about the criticisms I lay on myself.

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Working full time (even temporarily) outside the home has made me tired. I barely have energy to think, let alone work. Extracurriculars, such as book club and exercise, have fallen by the wayside.

Lies That I Tell Myself

~ K ~ 1 Comment
  • Nobody loves me.
  • I’m a failure.
  • I suck.
  • I’m a horrible mother.

Those are just a sample of the lies I tell myself on a daily basis. I know they’re lies because

  • I have a family who loves me.
  • I have a successful freelancing business.
  • I have tons of helpful friends.
  • My kid is still alive.

But as illogical as it might sound, if you think on something long enough, it starts to feel true. I deal with loneliness, perfectionism, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence.

Often I have the tune of “Jesus Love Me” stuck in my head, but here are the words I hear:

Nobody loves me
This I know
For nobody
Tells me so

Which is a blatant lie because my husband tells me he loves me every day.

I don’t know how to overcome these lies in my head. I don’t know how to focus on what is true. I don’t know how to not feel so alone in my mind and my heart.

Professional Widow

~ K ~ 1 Comment

I grew up in Long Island, New York close to the New York City metro area. I was raised to believe in making something of myself professionally. My father always wanted me to be able to support myself and not rely on anyone else.

Fast-forward to the second decade of this millennium and I am wholly reliant upon my husband to provide for me and my son. I am deathly afraid that if something were to happen to him that I would not be able to support myself. This makes me feel inadequate and incompetent. This makes me feel like a failure.

I’m kind of like a guy—I derive a sense of self-esteem and self-worth from working. Not having a full-time job kills me because I feel financially and emotionally deficient.

I wish I could say I grew up putting family first but I didn’t. I didn’t have a brother or sister to turn to and my parents buster their butts working to provide a decent life for me. My mother missed out on a lot of my school events and she had no idea that I was bullied in school. She also didn’t understand the depression I dealt with.

Family never came first. That’s the model that was set for me. In practicality, work came first. I was a latchkey kid for most of my childhood. I missed out on after-school activities, Girl Scouts, and other programs that other kids were able to take advantage of.

Academics were always important. My father felt as though the better I did in school, the more successful I’d be in life.

I hate to think it hasn’t translated that way but it hasn’t. I’m not as successful professionally as I’d like to be. I wish I could earn enough to help support my family—to afford a second car and help pay a mortgage. Even contribute as a partner to the rent. But no, I am wholly deficient. It’s hard for a creative type like me with a limited set of skills to make a lot of money. I wish I could.

My son needs to be my priority; he’s 3 months old. My husband needs to be priority; he’s family and loves me. But I can’t shake the need—the feeling that I am a colossal failure if I don’t help my family financially. I can’t help but feel like a colossal failure if I’m not putting my time and energy into a profession that either provides for my family or makes a difference.

And right now, I am doing none of those things.

Feelings of importance

~ K ~ Leave a comment

When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man’s advice, and I need man’s approval
This journey is my own

One of the things I hate about my writing is redundancy. I hate repeating myself. But if God has no bones about repeating Himself in the Bible, why should I fret about repetition on this blog?

Importance. I struggle with wanting to be, no wait, wanting to feel important. Continue reading “Feelings of importance” →

Mental Health Awareness Month 2014

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I don’t really have anything special planned for this blog. Although I probably should.

In going through old posts written in May, I have never once blogged about mental health. I suppose I’ve been so consumed with my infertility struggle that mental health issues really fell to the wayside. It’s something I’d like to change, but when it comes to topics on mental health, my mind is blank now. What can I blog about on mental health that hasn’t already been covered in depression introspection?

I’ve dealt with depression and suicidal tendencies since 1994. I ended up in a behavioral hospital in Jamaica, Queens back in June 2000. In November 2006, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and wrote a post about it. I briefly suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after a stay in a psych hospital. In May 2010, I wrote a post about trying to conceive with mental illness. Little did I know that was part of my path in my infertility journey. (And little did I know there would be many a “spell caster” ready and willing to help spam solve my infertility problem.) In September 2011, I dealt with severe anxiety. Now it’s May 2014 and I’m receiving treatment for postpartum depression after giving birth in the beginning of February 2014. Since 2004, I have taken the following medications (on and off) to help manage my mood and anxiety disorders:

  • Paxil
  • Lexapro
  • Lamictal
  • Prozac
  • Abilify
  • Effexor
  • Ativan

Not a whole lot of meds compared to some people but it’s a wide and varied history for me. For the most part, I’ve tried to maintain a consistent attitude that medication can have a proper place in treating someone who seriously needs it. Heck, I’m currently on an Abilify-Prozac cocktail currently. I take Ativan for anxiety when necessary. I am not anti-medication.

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Another thing that I need to work on is being more positive. My postpartum therapist tells me to “be kinder to” myself and to “be patient with” myself. I am hard on myself, in every aspect of life possible: Jesus following, wifelihood, motherhood, daughterhood, livelihood. Nothing is ever good enough for me when it’s done by me. I guess the problem is that I don’t know what being kinder to myself looks like and what being patient with myself looks like. This is something I’ll have to muse on quite a bit.

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Someone tell me: why is the official color for mental health month puke neon green? Hmm…

 

 

How I see it: paedobaptism (aka infant baptism) revisited

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On May 23, 2010, I wrote:

…it’s a practice I disagree with until I can be convinced otherwise.

Well, it’s been 4 years and I’ve been convinced otherwise. On March 23, 2014, my husband and I went ahead and had our son baptized. Why?

It’s not necessarily that I feel the practice is explicitly biblical as I feel that the practice isn’t unbiblical. (I hope that makes sense.) From a covenant theology perspective, I can understand why the practice is performed. My pastor walked my husband and I through an hour-long discussion on infant baptism, and I probably won’t do him justice, but I’ll go ahead and try.

I stumbled upon this post, What Does Baptism Signify?, by Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Greenville, South Carolina, and it really sums up exactly how I view the matter. I think most explanations for infant baptism are absolutely confusing.

If I follow covenant theology and believe that Old Testament circumcision grafted children and adults into God’s family then it stands to reason that something in the New Testament must replace circumcision since according to Paul (Gal. 5:6), circumcision is no longer necessary as a sign that one is a part of God’s family. So what has replaced that sign in the New Testament?

Baptism.

Baptism shows that a person is a member of God’s community. Here’s what really got me—I always believed that circumcision was applied to people who already believed or were meant to believe. But in Romans 9:13, the Bible says it is written “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.” Both Jacob and Esau were circumcised members of God’s community but only Jacob was actually saved of the two.

Twitter bio and more…

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I’m constantly trying to figure out who I am. Should I go by my Twitter bio?

Jesus follower, wife, mother, daughter, Haitian-American, Presbyterian (PCA), Beatles fan, pop princess, non-mommy blogger, suicide survivor, and more…

My Twitter bio only allows 140 characters so I’ve always wondered what I would add as “more” if I had unlimited space. But I also want to define how I describe myself in my Twitter bio. So here goes nothing… Continue reading “Twitter bio and more…” →