Category: Personal

Randomprocity

~ K ~ Leave a comment

So I’ve been silent on the blog, mainly because I have very little to talk about. I’m staying silent on politics because I’ve chosen to be willfully ignorant about the election because I don’t feel like losing friends over elections like I did in 2004 and 2008. To me, it’s just not worth it. (Although I have my uninformed opinions about things.)

Things are still quiet on the infertility front. A medical procedure needs to be performed and we’re waiting on our doctor to give the all-clear for it.

I’ve been exercising regularly for the past week and changing my eating habits, which has so far led to a 1.6-lb weight loss. Hoorah!

What I would really like to do, though, is write a story, but I just don’t have any ideas left in me. I’m consumed by reading a plethora of bad books (Fifty Shades, Phoenix Rising) and hoping that I can somehow conjure up a short story from somewhere inside me. Nothing doin’, though.

When I think of my relationships with my coworkers, it’s very formal and polite. I guess I’m not a casual, relaxing person. I wish I made friends much more easily. When I think of my cousins, they are considerate, thoughtful, and people-oriented.

Shame.

~ K ~ 4 Comments

I recently read a book by Ed Welch called Shame Interrupted. When I told my husband that I don’t really struggle with shame, he challenged me on this: “What about your legs?”

Touché.

The significance of the shame I have of my legs is that I have a condition called ichthyosis combined with eczema. Ichthyosis causes my skin to look pretty bad. In fact, it’s rough, scaly skin akin to that of a fish-like quality. You’ll never catch me wearing shorts or a short skirt without pantyhose outside of my home. That’s shame.

The reason I thought I didn’t deal with shame is because I viewed it as victimization shame, something I have limited knowledge of. I’ve been fortunate not suffer from any physical or sexual abuse so when I think of shame, I often think of the shame associated with being abused. But there’s shame that comes with being picked last for a team in school. There’s shame that comes when everyone knows you got passed over for a job. There’s shame that comes when you realize that you no longer fit into your old clothes because you’ve gotten too big.

So the more I think about it, the more I realize shame is a subject with which I am far too intimately acquainted.

Ed Welch suggests overcoming this a lot of this shame by recognizing Jesus took on shame for us when he went to the cross and died. When he rose again, he also conquered our shame. By trusting in him, we are made clean rather than unclean. We are consecrated rather than contaminated.

But I will probably still wear pants and long skirts.

Watching and Reading

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Recently, I watched a documentary on President Bill Clinton called American Experience: Clinton that I found simply fascinating. It’s amazing how much Clinton’s legacy would have changed had he not gotten involved in the whole Monica Lewinsky affair. I found Clinton to be a fascinating president who, no matter how much experience he had, could have not possibly been prepared for the demands of the office, but still somehow found a way to make tough decisions that weren’t really popular with either party.

I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love and find the book to be dreadful. This isn’t the first memoir that I’ve read (Mennonite in a Little Black Dress was better) so I’m surprised by how much I dislike the author who left her husband, engaged in an extramarital affair during the divorce process, and proceeded to bribe a customs official during her stay in Bali, Indonesia. I’m surprised the book was as popular as it was given that the author seems to be self-absorbed (more so in the first third of the book rather than toward the end). Although reading Ms. Gilbert’s tripe make me want to write tripe of my own.

On the other hand, I just finished Man in the Music about Michael Jackson’s music and artistry and found that to be insightful and intriguing. I’d recommend that book for anyone who is interested in Michael Jackson and his work. It’s a five-star book.

2012 Mid-Year Goals Check In

~ K ~ Leave a comment

1. Schedule a blog post for each week
FAIL. I forgot about this. It’ll be more realistic for me to schedule a blog post for each month.

2. Go to the gym on Tuesdays for at least 15 minutes
FAIL. We are down to one car making it almost impossible for me to go to the gym during weekdays. This goal will be revised to go to the gym on Sundays for at least 15 minutes.

3. Strength train Mondays and Thursdays a week for at least 15 minutes
FAIL. I’ve forgotten about my strength training goals. This goal will be revised to strength train on Mondays.

4. Put aside $25 per paycheck ($50/month) for website redesign in March 2012 (before website expiration in April)
SUCCESS! My website has been redesigned.

5. Combat discontent by listing 3 things every day that I’m grateful for
FAIL. I’ve fallen off the wagon with that as well. I will list 3 things every night in my journal.

6. Relax 2 times a month on the Sabbath (a day off, not necessarily Sunday) by reading, listening to music, dancing, napping, meditating, watching a movie (something fun) for most of the day
SUCCESS! I’ve been relaxing more.

7. Read a book for at least 15 minutes 3 times a week
SUCCESS! I am ahead of my reading.

8. Read 36 books (3 books a month) by December 31
SUCCESS! I am on track to surpass this goal.

9. Complete half of manuscript rewrite by June 2012 (Work on 10 pages once a week on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Saturdays for 2 hours)
SUCCESS! My manuscript is complete.

10. Complete rewrite of manuscript by December 2012
SUCCESS! See previous point.

11. Edit for 1 new client this year
IN PROCESS. I haven’t had a new client yet but the year isn’t over…

Diagnosed with Chronic Mono/Fatigue Syndrome

~ K ~ 3 Comments

I discovered on Tuesday that I suffer from chronic mononucleosis caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. One of the symptoms is constant fatigue, which I can’t do much about. The chronic mono would explain why I feel tired most days and lack energy. As my husband warned me today, I have to be vigilant not to use it as an excuse for laziness. But I have been able to sleep for long periods of time when I have nothing scheduled.

My doctor has recommended that I take a supplement called Virastop 2x to combat the virus. I’m not sure if it’ll work, but it’s the best chance I have to get my energy back.

Anxiety. Depression. Suicidal Thoughts.

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Anxiety. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. They are all rolled up in one.

I am anxious about a lot of things these days. From something as mundane as sitting here typing on the computer to driving to cold calling a prospective client (which may never pan out because I’m too anxious to call right now). My anxiety has been debilitating in the past where I didn’t want to leave my home, and I fear it’s getting to the point of debilitation again on some days.

My anxiety depresses me. It keeps me from doing things that no one would think twice about. But here I sit, a prisoner in my own body, freaking out about nearly everything. To escape this, combined with my severe lethargy, I crawl into bed and sleep, hoping that when I wake up, things will be better. But they usually are not.

Please don’t get me wrong. I have a life many people would envy: a loving husband, a supportive family, and a steady job. I am thankful for the good things in my life. But this attitude of thankfulness and gratefulness doesn’t take away the depression inside of me.

I do not want to go back to the hospital. If I fear anything worse than death, it may be going back to a psych hospital. I have passing suicidal thoughts about hanging myself, but I haven’t been able to act upon it. I can’t determine whether I am a harm to myself in which case I would need to go to the hospital. The point of the hospital (for me) is to get me away from things that would cause immediate harm to myself. But I can’t be locked up in a hospital forever. (I guess I could in a state institution but that would be a nightmare.)

Somehow, existing in this jumbled mix is me. Somewhere inside, I am bubbly, wonderfully wacky, and beautifully strange. The depression and anxiety fuzz all of that. I am only some of what I used to be. I go to sleep, hoping for some kind of reprieve from this dark cloud that hangs over me.

You know you are dealing with infertility if . . .

~ K ~ Leave a comment

. . . the happy news of other couples inwardly makes you sad or bitter.

. . . your husband no longer flinches upon producing a semen sample.

. . . you can’t go to baby showers.

. . . you start treating other people’s kids a little bit better in the hopes that it will prepare you for loving your own.

. . . you begin to think that IVF isn’t so expensive after all.

 

2012 Goals

~ K ~ 3 Comments

Happy New Year! Since it’s the first of the year, it’s time to post this year’s goals! I’ve set reminders so that I can do a mid-year and end-of-year check-in. Nothing special here; just a straightforward list of my goals.

1. Schedule a blog post for each week
2. Go to the gym on Tuesdays for at least 15 minutes
3. Strength train Mondays and Thursdays a week for at least 15 minutes
4. Put aside $25 per paycheck ($50/month) for website redesign in March 2012 (before website expiration in April)
5. Combat discontent by listing 3 things every day that I’m grateful for
6. Relax 2 times a month on the Sabbath (a day off, not necessarily Sunday) by reading, listening to music, dancing, napping, meditating, watching a movie (something fun) for most of the day
7. Read a book for at least 15 minutes 3 times a week
8. Read 36 books (3 books a month) by December 31
9. Complete half of manuscript rewrite by June 2012 (Work on 10 pages once a week on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Saturdays for 2 hours)
10. Complete rewrite of manuscript by December 2012
11. Edit for 1 new client this year

Helpful tools assisting me this year:

Blogging: WordPress

Gym of choice: Planet Fitness

Strength training guru: Personal Training with Jackie Warner: Power Circuit Training

Saving money: PNC’s Virtual Wallet

Tracking habits-in-the-making: Health Month

Reading books: Goodreads

Organizing novel structure: Scrivener

Tracking time, cost, and billing of clients: Time Master + Billing

2011 Resolutions… Goals… Targets… Year’s End Evaluation

~ K ~ 2 Comments

It’s December 4, and this is my final evaluation of my 2011 resolutions. You can read my original 2011 resolutions here and my mid-year resolution evaluation here.

The problem with New Year’s resolutions is often that people think of them as fixed goals. People are more likely to succeed when they think of their goals as fluid, having the ability to change based on circumstances. For example, a person with a broken leg for the first half of the year probably isn’t going to be able to run a marathon in April. It’s not a failed goal; it just needs to be changed to later in the year. Then it can become a successful, attainable goal.

You might have heard this mnemonic before, but I’ll introduce it anyway. All set goals need to be SMART. Let’s continue with the broken leg example.

Specific: Answers who (you), what (the goal), why (are you doing this?), where (if applicable as in Philadelphia for a marathon), and which problems (current leg injury).
Measurable: Answers how (how much will you train? how many miles will you run? how will you know if you’ve met your time goal?)
Attainable: Is this goal doable? What specific practices do you need to implement in order to meet the goal?
Realistic: Can you realistically do this? Are there any/will there be any constraints that will keep you from meeting your goal?
Time-bound: Answers when (the goal must be met). Break down the when into smaller increments (eg, training every day but Sunday for the next 12 weeks). Again, evaluate whether this is realistic.

—

The following is the year-end evaluation of my goals revised in June:

2011 Goals

  1. Land an agent for my young adult novel. Build up clientele for book editing. I haven’t had a chance to tackle this yet due to financial and time constraints, but I do have a plan to implement this that will likely launch in 2012. And it won’t be just book editing. I also need to evaluate how I’m going to measure this goal, eg, “Obtain 2 clients for editing work by September.”
  2. Exercise for at least 15 minutes 4 times a week. Exercise for at least 20 minutes 2 times a week. Exercise is my biggest challenge. I haven’t been able to even keep to this schedule. A more realistic goal would simply be to go to the gym once a week and exercise for 15 minutes.
  3. Lose 25 lbs. Lose and keep off 10 lbs. I’ve actually gained 10 lbs rather than lost in the past year. I have joined Weight Watchers to rectify that.
  4. Eat more salads and vegetables. As a result of joining Weight Watchers, it has forced me to eat more salads, fruits, and vegetables. A better defined goal would have been, “Eat salads, fruits, and vegetables at least twice a day five times a week.”
  5. Complete the reading of 80 books. I have read less than 60 books this year because my life was so busy. Next year, 60 books is a more reasonable goal.
  6. Relax on the Sabbath (Sunday). This is still a difficult one for me as I don’t know how to simply settle down and relax. It’ll continue to be a goal for 2012, however, I need to make it more specific as to how I can evaluate how I’ve successfully met this goal. It’s currently too broad.
  7. Attend CCEF’s October conference in Louisville. I attended four weddings in New York and Florida this year prior to the conference. I wasn’t expecting that when I set this goal. As a result, I was tapped out for spending money.
  8. Learn to be content with what I have and who I am. This is an ongoing process that God is still working on me. This goal needs to be more specific in how I can measure what it means for me to be content.
  9. Spend more time Focus on building discipline with God through prayer and Bible reading. This also is an ongoing process. My husband and I have been good about prayer at night recently but I’ve failed at personal prayer and Bible reading. I need to make this goal a bit more measurable.
  10. Attend morning church services at my home church at least twice a month. This is a goal that I’ve managed to attain ever since I began attending another church—praise God!
  11. Write a post (nearly) every day once a week on different aspects of enjoying something that God is teaching/has taught me. I haven’t kept to this goal, mostly because I forgot about it or I just didn’t know what to write about. It was a good goal to reach for but in the end, my memory failed me.
  12. Cut down on sweets aka be less addicted to sugar. Designate specific days for dessert and stick to it. I’ve failed at this and miserably. However, this goal will disappear thanks to Weight Watchers.
  13. Read through three of the seven books in Chronicles of Narnia. Fail. I haven’t touched the Narnia books this year.
  14. Hold scheduled write-ins at the library through the month of November for NaNoWriMo. Complete the rewrite of my novel before December 31. Fail. I hope to just begin working on the rewrite again before year’s end.

Resolutions, goals, target, etc. aren’t bad things to set at the beginning of the year, and they are not necessarily recipes for disaster or failure. It’s possible to create successful New Year’s resolutions, as long as they are:

  • SMART
  • Seen regularly (post them up on a wall with regular visibility)
  • Evaluated periodically (revise biannually or quarterly)

I have a funny feeling 2012 is going to be a more successful year in regard to my goals.

William & Kate: It Isn’t About the Monarchy; It’s About the Fairytale

~ K ~ Leave a comment

All right, guys (and a bunch of you gals too, I know you’re out there). This one is for the Americans. The Americans that are calling other Americans “traitors” and pissing and whining about how Americans shouldn’t be celebrating this because their heir ancestors fought a hard war to free themselves from the tyranny of the British monarchy.

We’ve come a long way from 1776, baby.

For most American women (okay, and some American dudes), the wedding between Prince William & Kate was not about British monarchy or tyranny. It’s about the fairytale.

But the fact that American revolutionaries succeeded in liberating Americans from the monarchy makes the revelry in the current state of British royalty that much sweeter—it allows Americans to enjoy all the benefits of being English-speaking without worrying about how the royal family will impact their lives and tax dollars.

Should Americans care about the royal family? No. And on a daily basis, 99 percent of us don’t give them a thought unless they’re in the news. But that’s what’s so great about being an American: unlike the British and its territories, we can choose whether we want to or not.

None of us paid our hard-earned tax dollars to see William & Kate married. The British did. It’s like they’re parents of the couple and we’re just the wedding attendees who needed to show up. We didn’t even need to buy gifts if we didn’t want to. It’s awesome.

What a lot of guys fail to realize is that most girls grew up with the idea of one day becoming a princess. This is pretty basic stuff. We often refer to the future-but-as-yet-unknown “right man” as Prince Charming. Stories of princesses like Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White regaled us. Cinderella, a low commoner, gets to marry a prince in the end.

So no, it’s not about the monarchy; it’s all about the real-life fairytale. And despite the fact that Prince William is seriously balding, he’s still way more of a looker than his father ever was.

Girls my age (including me) dreamed of growing up to marry Prince William. (I’m several months older than him and so is his bride.) We’d have no problem relinquishing our Americanness to achieve our childhood dreams of marrying a prince!

Of course, if you want to get down to reality, we all know that being part of the royal family is not a fairytale nor is it easy: it’s hard work to effortlessly be graceful among all that pomp and circumstance. Politics (I mean that in the negative sense of the word) are involved. Most women would balk and drop like flies at the public scrutiny they’d have to constantly face. There’s a reason why William & Kate waited nearly a decade before tying the knot.

But on the royal wedding day, we put such thoughts aside.

You can pay my bills, you can pay my automobills…

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Brandon Heath: You Decide

Decisions, decisions, decisions. I have decisions all around me. My head is teeming, swarming with decisions and different directions, and I am standing in the middle of a busy New York City intersection (conveniently ignoring the “DON’T BLOCK THE BOX!” sign), having no idea which way to go, hoping that a car will just hit me and everything will be over and done with.

I am not good when it comes to making decisions. Someone must remind me of this in case I ever get the dim idea to go for a managerial position. I cannot. Make. Decisions. (Repetition is good; it reinforces what you’re learning.)

25 Time Management Strategies

~ K ~ 2 Comments

In January and February 2011, I attended a two-part session on time management by Heartwork Organizing. Here’s a list of 25 strategies I obtained from that session with the ones I am working on in bold. Let me know three of the 25 strategies you think you could use.

  1. Keep a weekly (not daily) to-do list.
  2. Note 3 top priorities/projects/tasks to complete each day.
  3. Using the 80/20 rule (only 20% of your tasks are most important), ensure the tasks in your 20% are the first ones you tackle.
  4. Carry your planner everywhere, even to church, gym, and dates/appointments.
  5. Be aware when you are making a commitment to yourself and others.
  6. Make written appointments with yourself, and keep them as routinely as you would with your hairdresser.
  7. Separate making your to-do list from accomplishing your to-do list.
  8. Separate projects from tasks.
  9. Schedule time on your calendar to work on projects.
  10. Never check your email before __(insert customized time here)__.
  11. When working on projects at your computer, don’t leave your email and browser programs open.
  12. Use a sheet of paper as a “time container” and only write until full.
  13. Use “sticky notes” as disposable containers, not permanent records.
  14. Use “Prince/Princess time management” because you are a Son/Daughter of the King.
  15. Keep your calendar free enough to entertain angels.
  16. Beware of the latest electronic gadget as a time waster.
  17. When spinning, ask “What is the next thing I have to do?” and do it.
  18. Build in rewards for your efforts (e.g, I will get a snack after I finish this proposal).
  19. Remove technical issues when they exist.
  20. Ensure written goals are SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time-bound.
  21. Practice conscious breathing. Schedule it if necessary.
  22. Decide if your tasks pass the five-year test. (What’s going to be important five years from now?)
  23. Use a time to chunk out unpleasant/large tasks 15 minutes at a time.
  24. Learn how to use your cell phone or microwave timer.
  25. Prioritize people over things.

Not all of these are practical tips for me. For example, I wouldn’t check my email before 5:30 in the morning because I’m likely sleeping, but if I don’t check it before noon, I’m at work where I really can’t view it. It’s also the primary means of contacting me during the day.

Continue reading “25 Time Management Strategies” →

The Story I’m Telling Myself vs. The True Story

~ K ~ 5 Comments
Image from barbarahaleannex.com

Inspired by Michael Hyatt’s post:  http://michaelhyatt.com/change-your-story-change-your-life.html

The Story I’m Telling Myself
  • I’m too young.
  • I’ve failed before. I’ll fail again.
  • I’ll never be as successful as other people.
  • I am not a business person.
  • I don’t have a business mindset.
  • Getting these clients is a fluke; I won’t get any more.
  • I don’t have enough experience against other people who have been doing this for decades.
  • I’m a newbie; no one will want to use my services.
The True Story
  • I am young and new at this, and I may stumble along the way, but I can view my failures as a learning experience and overcome them.
  • I can think of new ways to market myself and focus on professional customer service.
  • God has given me two clients to show me that He trusts me with this work.
  • I cannot measure my success as competing with other people but by gaining steady work.
  • I have one fully edited book behind me which shows I can get work done. I can finish what I start.
  • I will read and learn how to conduct a business and charge competitive rates to lure new clients.
Now, I just have to believe what’s true. Believing it is more difficult than writing it.