Category: Personal

Thoughts Swirling around in My Brain

~ K ~ 2 Comments

Part-time employee status. Husband. Attending the staff meeting in 2 weeks. Bringing in my copy of the AMA style guide to work. Bringing in personal things to work to jazz up my workspace. Let’s face it: I have three places of employment—home, the ad agency, and the library.

Things I am concerned about: making friends at the ad agency. I don’t know how to be a good friend let alone open myself up to receive one. I just need to learn to be content with the few friends I have at the ad agency. C and D are both really good acquaintances.

I am praying for several things at the moment, some trivial, some not:

  • The commercial tenant below to move and to have our landlord offer us the space. I could use it as a dedicated home office and deduct the space from my taxes. This is unlikely but it’s something that I’m praying for nonetheless. I realize that our rent would go up as a result of such an offer but the possibility would still be nice!
  • The Container Store to build a store in Malvern, PA so that I don’t have to drive to crazy Jersey every time I want to get my Container Store fix. And I know just the place for it too…
  • For patience. I’d like a baby. I’d like to become a permanent part-time employee of the ad agency I work for. I’d like more clients. So many things I would like, but I am only one person and there are not enough hours in the day for everything I’d like. And I’m exhausted. Really, God knows what’s best for me. I need to trust Him that everything is as it should be right now. Although it’s difficult when I want a kid, like yesterday. But I am concerned because I know that with the schedule I have right now, a child doesn’t fit in those plans.

I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom even before I knew what that was. Maybe it’s because my mom was always working and missed out on semi-important events in my life (eg, school plays). My mother, in her quest to provide the best education for me, was never home and I missed out on a lot of opportunities, such as Girl Scouts, as I got older. I always thought how nice it would be if I came home to the smell of freshly baking cookies. That’s always been my dream. But if that couldn’t happen for me, I am determined to make that happen for my kids. (Although the freshly baked cookies will probably be courtesy of Pillsbury because I am a lazy cook.)

Blathering Blatherskite (That’s Me)

~ K ~ 1 Comment

I have nothing to write about really. I’m reading a book, Writing Down Your Soul, and it’s fascinating to me so far. I’m not very far in the book, but the author talks about listening to the Voice from within (yourself) and from without (God). It’s a very spiritual book so atheists wouldn’t like it, but it’s not directly Christian so fundamentalists wouldn’t like it. But I am neither. I am a middle-of-the-road Christian who accepts that the universe does stuff with a lowercase u, and recognizes that God is behind everything with a capital G. I don’t ever plan on being a pastor so I’m okay with my slightly unscriptural stance.

I am at my proofreading job right now. There’s a lot of talk and speculation that I’ll be brought on as a permanent part-time employee, but as of right now, I haven’t gotten complete confirmation. I have a cube, a computer, and my own extension, things which are nice. The office manager has been a real sweetheart and she really likes me so she’s helped me to get set up very well. I appreciate her going out of her way to make me feel like I’m part of the team, something that I’ve felt on the outs for quite a while now.

I’m always afraid that I am doing a poor proofreading job. It’s a constant fear I have because I struggle with perfectionism. I know no one can be perfect and I also know that I should take the fact that the company keeps bringing me in as a sign that I’m doing a good job, but my job centers around the fact that I’m meant to primarily minimize mistakes and I fear that I’m not minimizing them to the extent that other people would like. (I just heard my name from someone so I popped my head up, doing the “gopher” thing that people in cubicles do.) I later learned that indeed it was a mistake that I made, and I am better off never ASSuming but always querying something I’m not sure of.

Racism

~ K ~ 5 Comments

I get so frustrated when black people, especially kids, throw around the term racist to any white person who offends them in some way. It’s annoying and it diminishes the meaning of the term.

I work in a library in a predominantly white community. The black kids that come in can get a little rowdy. (To be fair, kids of all colors who come in can get a little rowdy.) When the kids start using foul language or begin causing trouble, they get kicked out. The black kids cry out “racist!” directly at the person who is sending them off (and that person tends to be white). It rankles my feathers to hear that term being bandied about by kids who probably have never encountered real racism. As my (white) husband put it so well, these kids use the only defense they’ve got because once you call a white person a racist, “it shuts them down and they have no other comeback.”

I’ve encountered racism. Sadly enough, the racism has come primarily from other black people. I’ve had other black people tear me down for music I’ve listened to, people I’ve chosen to date, and for the books I read. It’s one of the reasons I have very few black friends. In some respects, I feel more comfortable around white people than black people because most white people don’t go out of their way to make me feel inferior.

Anyway, that’s the end of my rant about black kids who pull out the racist card like it’s the biggest ace they’ve got.

Spiritual apathy and work

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I’m in a weird spiritual place right now. I’m not anti-God or even angry with Him. I just am. I just exist. But somehow He and I have a disconnect. I know God doesn’t want someone who is lukewarm and I am so lukewarm right now.

I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. —Revelation 3:15-17

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I have the potential opportunity to work 3 jobs. Yes, THREE. I feel fortunate to be able to have work coming in this tough economy. But yes, I work as a freelance editor and proofreader for advertising agencies. That’s my niche; that’s my specialty. I accept it and embrace it. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you might have noticed mistakes, errors, misspellings, typos. I really don’t edit my posts on this blog much, especially since I put most of my effort into my day job. On my professional blog (which I haven’t written for in quite a while), I double-check and triple-check my work before hitting the Publish button. But I allow myself this place—this space—to be imperfect and make mistakes since I feel the need to be at the top of my game in other areas.

Acceptance

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I once had a counselor who told me that people want two things in life: to be accepted and to be right. The acceptance part is especially true for me. I work in a position where I want so desperately to be accepted and yet I feel like an outsider. I’m not a regular member of the staff and it positively kills me to be excluded. I’m simply a contractor without the burdens and headaches of being a regular staff member.

Acceptance has always been a regular theme in my life. Even when I was in high school, I desperately wanted to be accepted and part of some group. To the point where I joined a group of people who made fun of me—all in the hopes that I would be accepted.

Not being accepted is like standing outside in the bitter cold looking in at a family in a cabin happily playing a board game by the fire. It feels that isolating.

And that’s how I still feel today at times in my professional career. The person I report to is not a friend but merely a business acquaintance. (She uses colons in her emails to me, which is a sign of formality, not friendship.) For some strange reason, I look for acceptance from her too, but I don’t know if I’d ever be satisfied.

That’s the other thing about acceptance. How do you know when you are well and truly accepted by a person or an organization?

Changes

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When it comes to change in my life, I try to be an incremental person, incorporating it gradually. For example, when it comes to getting to the gym, I’ve decided that I will go on weekends when I have no interruptions. I’m not the type to vow to go to the gym every day (anymore) because it’s something I know I would fail at. So my minimum to go to the gym is once a week. And I try to exercise for 45-60 minutes while I’m there.

I used to be an all-at-once person when I was younger, thinking I could take on the world on a whim. But I’m a little wiser now. There was a time when I would have vowed to exercise 5 days a week and completed that feat for… a week. Now, with my goal to get to the gym once a week, it sets me up for success. I’ve found that it’s doable, I’m consistent, and much more likely to go.

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I’m also having change in another form. There’s the possibility that I might score another client for my fledgling editorial business, which is exciting. I try not to worry too much about my grammar and spelling on this website since I have to worry about it in every other aspect of my life.

Favorite Thing about Myself

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“Most of us are excellent at being self-deprecating, and are not so good at the opposite. Tell us your favorite thing about yourself.”

I’m a loyal friend. Always have been. I can’t think of a time when I haven’t been loyal to a person. Problem for me is that being loyal opens me up to being burned. Betrayal is not something I really do so when it’s done to me, it stings worse than a wasp. I have been betrayed more times than I have betrayed.

But once I’m someone’s friend, I’m a friend for life unless he or she conspires to really hurt me. I’ve had falling outs with friends and made amends (sometimes to the point where I should have let the friendship go). I’ve also had falling outs, tried to make amends and was not successful.

I’m not loyal in everything—I haven’t worked at a company for 10 years. And if I get burned professionally, I’m not above cutting myself off from that connection. But if I could choose one favorite thing about myself, it’s that I’m a loyal friend, and it’s the reason that I am still friends with some of my former middle-school classmates. I feel very fortunate to have the friends that I do.

Life Isn’t What I Thought It Would Be, and That’s Okay

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When I was 16, I thought my life would be something out of 13 Going on 30 or The Devil Wears Prada. I thought I’d be living a posh life in New York City as a magazine editor who wears fabulous designer clothing and makes a ton of money. I imagined the fantastic dress suits like Donna Karan and Elie Tahari that I would wear. I figured I’d be prancing around in Jimmy Choos. My purses would have a seal that bared Prada or Fendi.

Now that I’m 30, my life doesn’t look anything like that. The closest to designed I can get is Coach (affordable designer if I save up for a few months). Prada leather is still kept in glass cases locked from the likes of me. I have yet to even try on a pair of Jimmy Choos or Christian Louboutins. I haven’t bough anything Donna Karan since I pulled myself out of my bipolar credit card debt. And by the way, I’ve discovered  I don’t like Fendi or Louis Vuitton. But I never fail to be envious when I see others carrying the namesake totes.

My life consists of middle-class labels—Old Navy, Gap, Express, New York & Company. I used to care more about designer garments and shoes but not so much anymore. I buy what I like whether it’s an affordable $17.99 or a splurge of $300. (Yes, $300 is a splurge for me because it’s money usually saved up during the course of a year.) I own a ton of Jessica Simpson shoes (I like her fashion more than her music), Skechers shoes, and assorted purses (such as Puma and Adidas) bought at warehouses like DSW. And to be honest (because I’d lie to you), I’m okay with what I buy. I’m too “fat” to fit into anything designer anyway. I can’t imagine the eating disorder I’d have if my closet were full of designer clothing.

So, yeah, I’m pretty much okay with the life I have.

Talking to My 14-Year-Old Self

~ K ~ 3 Comments

If I could tell my 14-year-old self anything now that I’m 30, it’s that life will get better. And it has.

On February 14, 1996, I tried to kill myself for the first time. Well, it was at least the first time I vocalized it to anyone. And as a dumb 14-year-old, I called all my friends to say good-bye because I was despondent over not having any friends. (Insert eye roll here.) Well, these friends called the police who promptly showed up at my door. I’m also happy to say I’m still friends with those same people today.

If I could tell my 14-year-old self anything, it’s that I’d find a wonderful husband, marry into an amazing family, and settle near a mall with the most commercial square footage in the United States. (Malls are important to a mallrat like me.) I’d tell her that she’d develop some fabulous, godly friends and have two jobs that meld her love of reading and writing. I’d tell her that one day she’d head a successful consulting business and have the ability to manage her own income.

I’d tell her that she’d still deal with rough spots in life. That things wouldn’t always go as planned, that prayers wouldn’t always be answered the way she’d like them to.

I’d also add that she would be diagnosed with bipolar disorder and her mental illness would be well managed with medication, therapy, and love.

I’d tell my 14-year-old self not to despair and that the only way out is through. That she has to travel through the tunnel of dark to get to the light of dawn. But that darkness is only a tunnel, not an endless dark sky without hope.

And finally I’d add:

Get over yourself, you little shit. You’ll deal with worse problems that you can’t even fathom. And what’s more? You’ll surive. You’ll be a survivor.

It’s A Wonderful Life

~ K ~ 1 Comment

One of my favorite holiday movies is It’s A Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. The reason that it’s one of my favorite movies is because of the message it sends to me. Toward the end of the movie, George Bailey is down on his luck and is considering suicide. His guardian angel, Clarence, gives him the rare opportunity to see life as if he’d never been born. The insight George gains is invaluable. He sees the effect his life has on people—things he’d never thought of before. And It’s A Wonderful Life always reminds me that my life is worth something. And that I don’t know how many lives I’ve positively touched or even saved by my very existence.

In the greater scheme of things I can identify with George Bailey in the death of dreams. George’s dream was to travel the world then go off to college. Instead after his father dies, he takes the helm at the community bank his father owned. This reminded me of my dream to be a successful magazine editor in New York City. Instead I got married (a bit like George’s life) and settled in suburban Philadelphia with my husband. George too gets married to Mary and settles in his hometown of Bedford Falls instead of traveling the world. Now, George’s life didn’t turn out bad just like mine has been all right. In the end, George is reminded that family, friends, and love are what will get him through life. I’d make a slight tweak to that: God, family, friends, and love are what will get me through this life. It’s A Wonderful Life reminds me that I truly have a lot to be thankful for.

Things I Grew Up With That My Future Children Will Never Know

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I grew up with a great many things back in the 1980s through 2000s. But technology has progressed rapidly since then and I’ve compiled a short list of things my children (if I ever have any) will never know.

1. A typewriter

2. Jem & the Holograms

3. VHS

4. Tube televisions

5. Getting up from my seat to change the channel (before remote controls were ubiquitous)

6. 8-track player

7. Reel-to-reel music

8. Mix tapes (especially taping music off of the radio)

9. Napster (when it was cool)

10. A rotary phone

11. Life without a cell phone

12. Using physical books in the library to perform research

13. Duck Hunt (a Nintendo game)

14. Great comedians like Bob Hope and George Burns

15. Walkman or a Discman

16. Dot-matrix printer (or waiting more than a minute for a full sheet of paper to be printed)

17. Floppy disks (the 3.5 hard ones and the actual 5.25 floppies)

18. Who Shot J.R.? (aka nighttime soaps like Dynasty, Falcon Crest, and Dallas)

Anything else you can think of adding?

Goals: Starting Off Small in the Hopes of Big Success

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I joined Weight Watchers online and find my points incredibly restrictive and rather tough to stick to. I made the mistake of blowing my daily AND weekly points on one meal. Not even salads are guaranteed to be all right if it’s got protein.

20130109-193036.jpgAnd I guess that’s my problem with Weight Watchers—I feel like I’m sometimes penalized for eating meat. I’m not giving up Weight Watchers because I’ve been on it before and successfully lost 10 pounds on the plan so I hope for a triumphant recurrence of that. Can you believe a Lean Cuisine is 7 points? A Lean Cuisine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I’ve only got 7 points left over for another Lean Cuisine of 2 snacks. Managing my points is difficult because I have so few. You’d think I don’t have much weight to lose but I’d like to lose a good 40 pounds. (Honestly, I used to shoot for 70 pounds but I don’t think that’s realistic anymore.) I know I won’t be able to keep that kind of weight off without exercise. So my plan is to go to the gym (Planet Fitness) on the weekends and do at least a half-hour of cardio with one strength training session per week (using a Jackie Warner video). This is me starting out small so I don’t get overwhelmed by some impossible goal of attempting to exercise 5 days a week when realistically I’m lucky if I exercise 1 day a week.

I guess that’s one of the important things about goals:

Start off small.

I’m using Health Month to help me make a difference in my physical and spiritual life. I set up “rules” that I must adhere to a certain number of times per week or else I lose points. It’s been a rather effective way of helping me to develop new habits such as exercising one a week, getting to the gym (that I’m paying for) once a week, and reading my Bible and praying at least 4 times a week. It’s free to join and set up 3 rules. More than 3 rules and you’d have to pay a month-to-month or yearly plan.

Weight Watchers Mobile, in combination with My Fitness Pal, is another tool in my arsenal of dieting weapons. It’s a shame that Weight Watchers Mobile is sorely lacking where My Fitness Pal (a free app) shines like gold. My biggest complaint about Weight Watchers Mobile is that the database is only searchable with personal user data and the data Weight Watchers selects. If another user inputs data, that information isn’t searchable by anyone else except that particular user. The great thing about My Fitness Pal is that users from all over the United States put in nutritional information about products and anyone can access that information. It’s a shame My Fitness Pal has this feature for free whereas a premium site like Weight Watchers has kind of put the kibosh on such sharing of information through their database.

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Another dumb thing about Weight Watchers Mobile is that their bar code scanner is a completely separate application while My Fitness Pal has the bar code scanner built into its app. In My Fitness Pal, the bar code scanner is functional and easy to use. Why am I on Weight Watchers, you might ask, since I seem to be pissing and moaning about the plan and its mobile apps?

The plan works. It has worked for me in the past. I have yet to lose any weight using My Fitness Pal. (In fact, I’ve gained weight!)

YouVersion is my go-to app for all things spiritual. It has a variety of Bible reading plans I can choose from, but I choose to go at my own pace, which is slower than reading the Bible in a year. I love the fact that certain translations are downloadable for offline use so that even when I don’t have an Internet connection (or possess a crappy one), that no longer hampers my ability to read the Bible anywhere. I most frequently use the English Standard Version (ESV) with the New American Standard Bible (NASB) coming up as a close second.

So Health Month, Weight Watchers Mobile, My Fitness Pal, and YouVersion are a few tools that I am using to stay on track physically and spiritually.

I’m Just a Sucker with No Self-Esteem

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“For a long time, I didn’t have any self-esteem,” William began.

That’s the first line to one of my favorite books that I go back to time and time again: When People Are Big and God Is Small. A few paragraphs down, author Ed Welch writes:

The problem was William’s reputation. It was what other people though about… him. Call it what you like—reputation, peer pressure, people-pleasing, codependency—William’s life was controlled by other people.

How true this is of me! How often can someone who doesn’t like me make or break my day by saying hi or snubbing me.

I’ve written about self-esteem and self-confidence before and how I think it is biblical to love yourself. Ed Welch argues somewhat differently in his book, saying that we need to find out worth in God through Jesus Christ, something I don’t necessarily disagree with. I believe in loving God first, yourself next, then loving others. It’s a natural progression. I believe loving others can only come from loving the primary people first (God and yourself).

I struggle with self-esteem and what others think of me. I’ve referred to my inferiority complex before. I’m not sure where my self-esteem issues stemmed from. I’m an only child so I could be one of two personalities: insecure with low self-esteem or arrogant with inflated self-esteem. I have a theory that people with siblings are likely to be a bit more balanced.

So I can definitely identify with William above. Self-esteem is probably an issue I’ll always struggle with.

Helpless

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I always feel helpless when I’m on an airplane. There’s something about not seeing the pilots (to whom I have entrusted my life) that freaks me out. At least I can look at a bus driver and evaluate whether I want to be on a bus for a short period of time. Sometimes I’ll even get glimpses of train conductors (who, in my opinion, tend to be scruffy). Usually I don’t get to meet the pilots until the end of a flight, but that doesn’t do me any good by that point. I know they’re going through their pre-flight checks before takeoff (which are highly important, of course), but gosh, meeting a pilot and knowing he doesn’t have alcohol in his system would really put me at ease.

So what do I do so I don’t have a freaking panic attack? I pray.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. (Psalm 20:7)

Maybe I could change that to a modern version:

Some trust in cars and some in planes, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

It is a good verse to remember for transportation. I pray and give up everything to God and hope in him for the safety and protection of myself and all on board.

For he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. (Psalm 103:14)

God is sovereign over all things and he was sovereign when planes hit the World Trade Center and he was also sovereign when US Airways Flight 1549 miraculously landed on the Hudson. God watches over each and every plane that takes off, lands, or even sadly, disappears. This is my consolation when I am helpless:

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. (Philippians 1:21)

Not that I live on the edge of life in the hopes of attaining “gain,” so to speak, but if anything were to happen, I am reminded that I’d receive something better than this present life.

But, hey, I still pray for a safe takeoff, flight, and landing.

Favorite Quote

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One of my favorite quotes is the following:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” —Eleanor Roosevelt

It’s a quote I revisit time and time again because I always have this habit of feeling inferior to others. It’s an awful habit—one I’m trying to kick.

When I was in my 20s, I promised myself that when I turned 30, I’d suddenly care less what other people thought of me. That hasn’t happened yet. I’m learning that not caring about what other people think of me is a process. I succeed sometimes; other times I fail miserably. I can’t continue to see myself as the pimply little teenager who was self-conscious about everything people said about her (although I am the same person). If someone called me a lesbian today, now I’d laugh and sort of embrace it. I’m secure in my marriage (to my husband who is, yes, a guy and always has been) and in my sexuality. People can think what they want to think but at the end of the day, I have to focus on the opinions of those closest to me. And these are the people who really matter.

See? Like I said, I have my moments when I can simply “let go” of what others think of me.

I think my feelings of inferiority are also tired to my sleeping pattern. Depending on how much (or little) sleep I get, people can really get to me. I suspect this is what the saying of “waking up on the wrong side of the bed” means.

I often give my uninformed consent to feel inferior. But perhaps Mrs. Roosevelt said what she said because she struggled so much with it herself. I don’t know at what age she said it but I’m pretty sure she was older than 30. However, I recognize getting over an inferiority complex is a process. One that I will not be perfect at, but by the grace of God, will get better at.