Attempting to live and breathe for an audience of one
This time last year. I’m so happy that we decided to pursue fertility treatments. I think our entire family has enjoyed the result: our son.
I haven’t blogged regularly for quite some time, mostly because I’ve had nothing to say. I still don’t have much of anything to say, although this post will disprove that.
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Just a reminder for myself on this Mother’s Day…
After hearing a good friend’s testimony on Saturday, I was reminded of an important truth. Maybe it wasn’t so much a reminder as it was a revelation: “my” children won’t belong to me. They will be “on loan” from God. As a result, only He only will choose when to lend me His creation. Just like library materials aren’t completely mine or Netflix movies aren’t mine but I’m fully responsible for them when they’re in my possession, so it is with the children bestowed upon me. I must remember that God is not withholding anything that is “rightfully mine.” (Technically, nothing is.) I should look at motherhood as a privilege God will allow me to partake in rather than something I inherently deserve simply because of my gender.
I hope I can remember this as I struggle with childlessness each month.
Mother’s Day post from 2 years ago. Even though I am no longer childless and struggling with infertility, my thoughts are with those today who are dealing with motherlessness—the desire for it or the loss of one.
Image Credit: David Castillo Dominici
My mother will be visiting for Mother’s Day, which I’m thankful for because it takes the sting out of a holiday that’s become painful in recent years.
In dealing with infertility, I am well too aware that I am not a mom and the normal, everyday of life of baby showers, pregnant women, and children remind me of this. I don’t have much to say on this topic except that it’s not the happiest or joyous occasion for every woman. Some women are crying over the fact that they have not been able to have children of their own—whether it be through adoption or natural childbearing.
When I started the journey toward having children, I never anticipated that the journey would be so long and arduous. It comes so easily and naturally for those who want it and those who don’t, why not us?
This…
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For the next week, I’ll be working full time filling in for someone who is out on medical leave. During that week, my mother will be here.
It’s almost Mother’s Day and I don’t want to sound critical about my mom, but she can be very critical of me with comments about my weight and my parenting.
I’ve adopted this critical attitude toward myself. I’ve realized no one is harder on me than I am. It just often sucks to be validated about the criticisms I lay on myself.
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Working full time (even temporarily) outside the home has made me tired. I barely have energy to think, let alone work. Extracurriculars, such as book club and exercise, have fallen by the wayside.
Those are just a sample of the lies I tell myself on a daily basis. I know they’re lies because
But as illogical as it might sound, if you think on something long enough, it starts to feel true. I deal with loneliness, perfectionism, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence.
Often I have the tune of “Jesus Love Me” stuck in my head, but here are the words I hear:
Nobody loves me
This I know
For nobody
Tells me so
Which is a blatant lie because my husband tells me he loves me every day.
I don’t know how to overcome these lies in my head. I don’t know how to focus on what is true. I don’t know how to not feel so alone in my mind and my heart.
I grew up in Long Island, New York close to the New York City metro area. I was raised to believe in making something of myself professionally. My father always wanted me to be able to support myself and not rely on anyone else.
Fast-forward to the second decade of this millennium and I am wholly reliant upon my husband to provide for me and my son. I am deathly afraid that if something were to happen to him that I would not be able to support myself. This makes me feel inadequate and incompetent. This makes me feel like a failure.
I’m kind of like a guy—I derive a sense of self-esteem and self-worth from working. Not having a full-time job kills me because I feel financially and emotionally deficient.
I wish I could say I grew up putting family first but I didn’t. I didn’t have a brother or sister to turn to and my parents buster their butts working to provide a decent life for me. My mother missed out on a lot of my school events and she had no idea that I was bullied in school. She also didn’t understand the depression I dealt with.
Family never came first. That’s the model that was set for me. In practicality, work came first. I was a latchkey kid for most of my childhood. I missed out on after-school activities, Girl Scouts, and other programs that other kids were able to take advantage of.
Academics were always important. My father felt as though the better I did in school, the more successful I’d be in life.
I hate to think it hasn’t translated that way but it hasn’t. I’m not as successful professionally as I’d like to be. I wish I could earn enough to help support my family—to afford a second car and help pay a mortgage. Even contribute as a partner to the rent. But no, I am wholly deficient. It’s hard for a creative type like me with a limited set of skills to make a lot of money. I wish I could.
My son needs to be my priority; he’s 3 months old. My husband needs to be priority; he’s family and loves me. But I can’t shake the need—the feeling that I am a colossal failure if I don’t help my family financially. I can’t help but feel like a colossal failure if I’m not putting my time and energy into a profession that either provides for my family or makes a difference.
And right now, I am doing none of those things.
When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man’s advice, and I need man’s approval
This journey is my own
One of the things I hate about my writing is redundancy. I hate repeating myself. But if God has no bones about repeating Himself in the Bible, why should I fret about repetition on this blog?
Importance. I struggle with wanting to be, no wait, wanting to feel important. Continue reading “Feelings of importance”
…it’s a practice I disagree with until I can be convinced otherwise.
Well, it’s been 4 years and I’ve been convinced otherwise. On March 23, 2014, my husband and I went ahead and had our son baptized. Why?
It’s not necessarily that I feel the practice is explicitly biblical as I feel that the practice isn’t unbiblical. (I hope that makes sense.) From a covenant theology perspective, I can understand why the practice is performed. My pastor walked my husband and I through an hour-long discussion on infant baptism, and I probably won’t do him justice, but I’ll go ahead and try.
I stumbled upon this post, What Does Baptism Signify?, by Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Greenville, South Carolina, and it really sums up exactly how I view the matter. I think most explanations for infant baptism are absolutely confusing.
If I follow covenant theology and believe that Old Testament circumcision grafted children and adults into God’s family then it stands to reason that something in the New Testament must replace circumcision since according to Paul (Gal. 5:6), circumcision is no longer necessary as a sign that one is a part of God’s family. So what has replaced that sign in the New Testament?
Baptism.
Baptism shows that a person is a member of God’s community. Here’s what really got me—I always believed that circumcision was applied to people who already believed or were meant to believe. But in Romans 9:13, the Bible says it is written “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.” Both Jacob and Esau were circumcised members of God’s community but only Jacob was actually saved of the two.
I’m constantly trying to figure out who I am. Should I go by my Twitter bio?
Jesus follower, wife, mother, daughter, Haitian-American, Presbyterian (PCA), Beatles fan, pop princess, non-mommy blogger, suicide survivor, and more…
My Twitter bio only allows 140 characters so I’ve always wondered what I would add as “more” if I had unlimited space. But I also want to define how I describe myself in my Twitter bio. So here goes nothing… Continue reading “Twitter bio and more…”
I want my blog to be more positive. I feel like I have so much negative energy surrounding this blog. But right now, I’m angry. Totally angry with myself. I’m dealing with anxiety and fear of man issues. Continue reading “Anxiety, fear of man, and “committing suicide””
Happy New Year! Since it’s the first of the year, it’s time to post this year’s goals! Here are my goals for 2014:
The last 4 will pose a challenge but what are goals for if they are all easy?
1. Schedule a blog post for each month
FAIL. I didn’t post much in the summer and through the latter part of the year.
2. Go to the gym once a week
FAIL. I quit the gym because I got an elliptical trainer at home.
3. Strength train on Mondays
FAIL. I have not strength trained on Mondays. I will wait until the baby’s born before tackling this again.
4. Read 80 books this year
FAIL. I haven’t been in much of a reading mood. I’ve only read 35 books this year.
5. Craft a new novel from an original idea (not something that I’ve recycled)
SUCCESS! I started writing an original novel for NaNoWriMo. I haven’t finished it yet, but I’d like to.
6. Write a new novel from start to finish in 30 days
FAIL. I had a lot of health setbacks in November that prevented me from completing a novel in 30 days.
7. Write 300 words a day whether it’s a combination of blogging, journaling, article writing, or noveling
FAIL. I haven’t written much this year.
8. Attend the Writer’s Digest conference
SUCCESS! I attended the conference, pitched some agents, and had a mighty good time.
9. Submit query letters to literary agents
SUCCESS! I’ve gotten nothing but rejections, but I’ve submitted query letters.
10. Complete synopsis of Getting Right with God
SUCCESS! In fact, I received a synopsis from an editor that’s even better than the one I wrote.
11. Watch a movie on Saturday evenings with Jason
FAIL. I’ve been bad about doing this. I just haven’t been in a movie-watching mood. 😦
12. Submit a query letter for an article
SUCCESS! I submitted a query letter for Relevant magazine. Never heard anything back, but I did submit something.
13. Develop a routine in the morning
FAIL. I have no routine except to get the heck up.
14. Develop a routine before bed at night
FAIL. I have no routine except to fall into bed.
15. (And oh, why not?) Become a mother
SUCCESS! Fertility treatments have helped me to realize this 2013 goal. I’m due in late February 2014. Exciting!
Hello all,
It’s been a while since I’ve written about anything on this blog, mainly because I haven’t had much to write about. But after Shady Grove Fertility, which I will henceforth refer to as SGF, highlighted the brief mention I gave them on my end-of-summer update, I decided that I want to write about my TTC (trying to conceive) experience and the incredible role SGF and its staff played in my fertility journey. (I will be using the pronouns “my” and “me,” but please recognize that this fertility journey is really an “us” and “we” experience that includes my spouse.) P.S. This post may be a bit on the long side, so settle in with a nice cup of coffee or tea. Continue reading “This Fertility Journey Is My Own”
1. Schedule a blog post for each month
SUCCESS! I’ve had a blog post each month so far.
2. Go to the gym once a week
FAIL. I haven’t been to the gym in 2 months. My hope is to go on Sundays.
3. Strength train on Mondays
FAIL. I have not strength trained on Mondays. I don’t know if I will.
4. Read 80 books this year
IN PROGRESS. I doubt I’ll read 80 books this year. I haven’t been in a reading mood lately except for book club books.
5. Craft a new novel from an original idea (not something that I’ve recycled)
FAIL. I was supposed to write the Alpha League of Parapsychology, but I don’t think that’s going to work out.
6. Write a new novel from start to finish in 30 days
IN PROGRESS. November is usually my month to complete a novel.
7. Write 300 words a day whether it’s a combination of blogging, journaling, article writing, or noveling
FAIL. I haven’t been writing much lately.
8. Attend the Writer’s Digest conference
SUCCESS! I attended the conference, pitched some agents, and had a mighty good time.
9. Submit query letters to literary agents
SUCCESS! I’ve gotten nothing but rejections, but I’ve submitted query letters.
10. Complete synopsis of Getting Right with God
SUCCESS! In fact, I received a synopsis from an editor that’s even better than the one I wrote.
11. Watch a movie on Saturday evenings with Jason
FAIL. I’ve been bad about doing this. Need to get back on track.
12. Submit a query letter for an article
SUCCESS! I submitted a query letter for Relevant magazine. Never heard anything back, but I did submit something.
13. Develop a routine in the morning
FAIL. I have no routine except to get the heck up.
14. Develop a routine before bed at night
FAIL. I have no routine except to fall into bed exhausted.
15. (And oh, why not?) Become a mother
IN PROGRESS. I’m undergoing fertility treatments to help me achieve this goal. It’s exciting!
Part-time employee status. Husband. Attending the staff meeting in 2 weeks. Bringing in my copy of the AMA style guide to work. Bringing in personal things to work to jazz up my workspace. Let’s face it: I have three places of employment—home, the ad agency, and the library.
Things I am concerned about: making friends at the ad agency. I don’t know how to be a good friend let alone open myself up to receive one. I just need to learn to be content with the few friends I have at the ad agency. C and D are both really good acquaintances.
I am praying for several things at the moment, some trivial, some not:
I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom even before I knew what that was. Maybe it’s because my mom was always working and missed out on semi-important events in my life (eg, school plays). My mother, in her quest to provide the best education for me, was never home and I missed out on a lot of opportunities, such as Girl Scouts, as I got older. I always thought how nice it would be if I came home to the smell of freshly baking cookies. That’s always been my dream. But if that couldn’t happen for me, I am determined to make that happen for my kids. (Although the freshly baked cookies will probably be courtesy of Pillsbury because I am a lazy cook.)
This Journey Is My Own 