Category: Personal

Ennui

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I have nothing of significance to write so this will be a rambling sort of post. If rambling posts are not for you, I suggest you stop reading now. If they are, well then, feel free to keep reading.

Politics.

You HAD to know you wouldn’t get through this post without SOME kind of political commentary, right?

Trump. All I want to know is who are the people who voted for the now-presumptive nominee of the Republican Party. Don’t blame Trump for being a douche without blaming the people who voted for him. Just saying.

North Carolina bathroom bill. I don’t like it.

LGBTQIABBQROTFLOL. Seriously, I can’t keep track of all the terminology. You got me at LGBT. I think Q is redundant but OK whatever. Now they’re adding IA? What is this? And then what are these terms being thrown around? Cis? Binary? Nonbinary? Genderqueer? Gender fluid? And there are some others that I have no idea about because…I’m old and not keeping up with the millennial lingo. I am not anti-LGBTQ but that community is starting to speak a language that I don’t understand.

Pop culture.

Beyoncé. Beyonce’s latest album “Lemonade” is being heralded as the greatest album of the year. I listened to a couple of songs and it sounds like junk to me. It’s like Beyoncé wondered, “What shit can I get my fans to buy?” and came up with “Lemonade.” Maybe it’s more futuristic than I can comprehend (I have been known to revisit albums 5 years later and appreciate them once the dust has cleared) but right now it sounds like a bunch of Mumbo Jumbo to me. And it saddens me that black women identify with the narrative of being treated poorly and being cheated on. It really saddens me that she can speak to that and so many women identify.

Jenners and Kardashians. Mentions of this family chip away at my intelligence slowly. Kind of like archaeology. Except you’ll find nothing left of my brain once it all chipped away.

Personal.

I’m kinda blank here. I have things to write about but I’m still processing a lot of it and will probably write about it when I’m in a better place to reflect and evaluate. Right now, I’m going through the thick of it and just not ready to share what’s going on. Not yet.

Existential crisis…or just another Saturday

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Black people. Me. Beyonce. I suck. She doesn’t.

Editing. I’m an editor. I don’t do anything else. I pretty much suck at everything else.

Hobbies. I read and write. Yeah. That’s it. Oh, and surf the Internet. Yup, those are my hobbies.

 

Forgiveness: agita, anxiety, and alienation

~ K ~ 2 Comments

At my Christian counseling session recently, I was challenged to forgive my former boss for the wrongs she had done against me. While I’m not super bitter about it or angry at her, somehow extending forgiveness to my former boss seemed like a challenge.

It still is.

Last night, I prayed and meditated on trying to forgive her. I tossed and turned the idea over and over until I fell asleep, unable to extend forgiveness.

True forgiveness is not necessarily about me telling her that I absolve her of the wrongs she committed against me but rather that I let it go in my heart, mind, and soul.

Of all people, Jillian Michaels wrote about forgiveness in her book, Unlimited: How to Build an Exceptional Life.

“Here’s the thing, though: forgiving the a*****e isn’t for their well-being, it’s for yours. If you can’t forgive the things that have been done to you…then you won’t be able to move on with your life. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Nor does it have to mean letting the person back into your life to hurt you again. It simply means healing the hurt that’s been done to you and continuing to pursue a prosperous, meaning-filled life.”

Michaels goes on and, I think, imparts some wisdom:

“[Forgiveness] will enable you to stop taking on other people’s issues and stop allowing their shortcomings to define who you are. You will understand that what happened to you wasn’t because of your limitations but because of the other person’s. For this reason, forgiveness comes when you are truly able to gain understanding and empathy for the person who hurt you.”

Forgiveness has physical, mental, and spiritual benefits. Holding on to a grudge can cause a host of ailments, including (what I like to call) agita, ulcers, and high blood pressure, to name a few. Not letting go of a wrong can cause anxiety, depression, and obsessive thoughts. And spiritually, it can alienate you from God or, perhaps, whomever or whatever you call a higher force. Being consumed with anger and bitterness can also get in the way of relationships with other people. There’s a fear that someone will treat you similarly.

I was in the fortunate position of knowing that I wasn’t the only one my former boss mistreated. Time after time, God showed me that I was well liked among my former coworkers. This gave me the confidence to move on to my next job without pretending to be someone I was not.

I’m trying to extend forgiveness. Trying to put myself in her shoes. Trying to accept the fact that she feels she’s done nothing wrong but is who she is. I am who I am. And I am a person who will extend forgiveness to her.

Right now is just not that time.

 

Learning Experience — Part VI

~ K ~ 1 Comment

This is Part VI, the final part of a 6-part series of posts. To start from the beginning, click one of the following links:

An opportunity for another job presented itself shortly after our conflict. I had already had one foot in the door as a former freelancer, and I was eager to get the other foot in, simply to get away from Karina. I took a day off, interviewed, put my best foot forward, and left it in God’s hands. I later learned that the team loved meeting me, I aced my editing test, and that a job offer would be coming soon. I asked for a pay raise but didn’t care if I ended up with the same salary with a city tax that would cut into my wage. I simply wanted to be away from my boss.

I was offered the position on a Friday, accepted the offer over the weekend, and was giddy to hand in my resignation on Monday. My boss said she’d be in meetings all day but I told her I only needed 5 minutes of her time.

When I finally caught her, I closed the door to her office and handed her an envelope with my resignation inside. I said, “I wanted to talk to you to let you know that I am resigning from my position, effective 2 weeks from now.” She looked at the envelope and looked up at me. Then she said, “Thank you.” She opened the envelope and read the letter that said the same thing I had just said out loud. She looked back at me and said, “Thank you for this.” Continue reading “Learning Experience — Part VI” →

Learning Experience — Part V

~ K ~ 5 Comments

This is Part V of a 6-part series of posts. To jump ahead to Part VI, click here. To start from the beginning, click one of the following links:

The next day, she pulled me into her office in a much calmer manner. I had hoped that she would apologize for her overreaction and that we could settle our differences. She never admitted that she was wrong for anything and we went around and around in circles until I finally declared that we were at an impasse and wouldn’t be able to resolve this issue. She agreed and on my way I went.

We both approached Sarah from HR, asking for help to mediate the conflict between us. Our first meeting seemed to be going well. Until Karina dropped a bomb that I had a history of “overstepping my bounds” and “being difficult” before she arrived at the company. I looked at her questioningly. Who had said this? went through my mind but I was keen enough not to ask. But Karina offered a name anyway: Jane. Continue reading “Learning Experience — Part V” →

Learning Experience – Part IV

~ K ~ 5 Comments

This is Part IV of a 6-part series of posts. To jump ahead to Parts V and VI, click here and here, respectively. To start from the beginning, click one of the following links:

I figured that evening would be a night where I would get out around 7:30 or 8:00. Again, shame on me. At 6 pm, a 40-plus slide PowerPoint with text-heavy slides and speaker’s notes was dumped in my lap . The sheer amount of work before me had me estimating a 3-hour job to get the work clean and out to client. Wondering why such a text-heavy job needed to go out the door tonight, I went to my fellow editor and asked if the job had been on her radar. She looked at her list of jobs for the day and said that it was going to the client without editorial review. I asked my boss if this was really necessary to do tonight and she said yes it was. I couldn’t resolve the conflict in my head that the project manager in charge of the job said it was with the client and my boss who said that it needed to be done right away. Having no idea that I was making a major mistake, I asked the account supervisor—the person who would know best—whether the job needed an editor’s eye. To my dismay, he confirmed my boss’s assertion. Satisfied that I had heard the answer from “the horse’s mouth,” I sat down to complete my job thoroughly. Continue reading “Learning Experience – Part IV” →

Learning Experience — Part III

~ K ~ 5 Comments

This is Part III of a 6-part series of posts. Parts I and II can be found here and here, respectively. To jump ahead, click one of the following links:

Karina, to her credit, was incredibly supportive during this time. She texted and emailed me to see how I was doing and said she would support whatever decision was best for me: to bow out of my job and take care of my health or to make a slow return to work. I told her that I wanted to return to my position.

Constrained by limited days and hours set by my psychiatrist, settling back into work was difficult for me. I worked from home for a few weeks, a pain in my rear end in which I grew lonely and missed being around coworkers. Not only that but the agency was not set up adequately to easily work from home. My fellow editor had to run between her desk at the back of the office to the scanner at the front of the office to send me paper-based work all day. Electronic comments were relegated to workers off-site. Track changes in Word docs were something only external clients did; without anyone saying anything out loud, it was frowned upon internally. Employees rarely did it.

From the end of September to the end of January, I took leave and made a slow transition back into a normal workweek. Once I made the transition back into the office, coworkers were extremely glad to see me come back. The comfortable working relationship I had longed for since the beginning of my tenure there was finally realized. I came back to hugs (from the women) and emphatic, friendly hellos (from the guys).

However, I did have one concern about my leave and it was something that I obviously could not control: that my temporary departure would give Karina the upper hand in determining what I could and couldn’t do. She was finally the one in the dominant position now because I was not “up” on what was going on in the agency. I feared she might leverage this against me now that I was in vulnerable position. Continue reading “Learning Experience — Part III” →

Learning Experience — Part II

~ K ~ 6 Comments

This is Part II of a 6-part series of posts. Part I can be found here. To jump ahead, click one of the following links:

I (wrongly) assumed that Karina would come in, sit back for a while and assess the situation of how the department was running, then jump in to fix things that needed fixing. Apparently, to her, everything needed fixing. Immediately. Including my perceived actions of “overstepping my bounds” and “undermining” her authority. Continue reading “Learning Experience — Part II” →

Learning Experience — Part I

~ K ~ 5 Comments

This is Part I of a 6-part series of posts. If you’re reading this after all posts have been published, you may jump ahead. To do so, click one of the following links (links will become active as available):

The past year has been a serious learning experience for me. I have tried, and failed, to work with someone whom I consider to be extremely difficult to work with. Lucky for me, many other people within my company consider this person to be extremely difficult to work with as well.

Let’s refer to this person as Karina for the remainder of this post. Karina is my boss. She’s been my boss for the past year. She’s essentially a newcomer to the company while I am old hat. New employee for a year but I’ve had a long history with the company as a freelancer for 7 years. I’ve seen many people come and go but have had the privilege of staying around.

Now, it’s time for me to depart. Continue reading “Learning Experience — Part I” →

The issue isn’t white but black

~ K ~ 1 Comment

black and white

I idolize wanting friendship and more contact with people of the same race. One of the common complaints I have about my life is that I don’t have contact with enough black people. I have plenty of white friends—that’s no issue. I have a set of diverse friends: Filipino, Indian/Sikh, Ethiopian/Muslim. But few black friends. I actually can count on one hand the number of black friends who aren’t related to me. My white friends are too numerous to count.

This is a problem. Somehow I’ve made it an issue that it’s important to surround myself with more black friends so I can be more “in tune” with black culture. I don’t fully understand the talk about white supremacy. I only partially understand the idea of white privilege and don’t fully agree with it. Ferguson was a big deal but how did it suddenly become a turning point in race relations? The deaths of Freddie Gray, Tamir Rice, and Sandra Bland are tragic, but how are they significant in the sense of how they play a larger role in racism?

You’d think because I’m black that these things would automatically make sense to me. But they don’t. I think Freddie Gray was surrounded by idiot cops, Tamir Rice was shot by a cop who should have never been let out of academy, and Sandra Bland paid the price of nervousness around a cop for failing to signal. (I have been guilty of the same when seeing a cop behind me; moving out of the way is instinctive and automatic. I make sure that my failing to signal doesn’t happen now.)

I don’t necessarily see race as the main factor in all these but I do think they play a role on some level. Had Sandra Bland been white, she would have had a slap on the wrist and been let go. A cop who saw a white boy with a gun would have been a bit more cautious about opening fire than making hasty judgments. And Freddie Gray was the victim of being a black man who seemed untrustworthy and would do or say anything to get out of being arrested.

I want to understand these things. I even want to understand these things to the point of agreeing with them. How is that white people get these concepts and I don’t? Is white guilt truly a thing that causes white people to hate themselves and blame their own race for injustices upon other races?

These are all questions I’m asking myself and wrestling with. I may never have a significant friendship with another black woman. And I need to be okay with that. Because I have friendships with wonderful people: secular and religious. They all teach me something and all make me a better person in different ways. And those kinds of friendships transcend all boundaries of race.

2016 Goals

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2016

Green indicates easiest, yellow indicates moderate difficulty, red indicates great difficulty.

  1. Journal or blog at least once a month.
  2. Exercise for 20 minutes 3 times a week (Join Anytime Fitness.)
  3. Read a book I enjoy from start to finish before the end of the year.
  4. Pass my editing certification test in June.
  5. Attend the Warrior Mom Conference in Atlanta in October.
  6. Keep my full-time job for all of 2016.
  7. Pray for my boss regularly.
  8. Engage in self-care daily.
  9. Remain healthy from August 2016–December 2016 (Be proactive and work with my psychiatrist.)
  10. Change my full name to my married name on everything.

Welp. I didn’t evaluate the difficulty of my goals until now and it looks like most of my goals will be no cakewalk. Even my “easiest” goal won’t be achievable anytime soon. I’m pretty sure I can accomplish number 10, even though it will be a pain in the rear end. I will have to be vigilant about pursuing number 8. Number 7 doesn’t come easy. Number 4 is a complete toss-up. And I’d like to stay on track with number 1, but I can’t even promise that. Sometimes, I have nothing to write and nothing to say (especially without repeating myself).

Let’s see how this year goes, folks. Happy New Year.

Main Theme: Politics & News

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Politics & News.
So I’ve read in the news that some joker named Donald Trump is running to become the Republican presidential candidate and actually commands a strong lead in the polls! What planet did I land on?
The newest revelation, however, is that I no longer support Hillary Clinton. (Shocking.) I am so over the Clintons. I mean, it only took 23 years. I have my picture from my internship for Sen. Clinton buried away in a box at the bottom. One day when I get over the fact that I blinked at the most inconvenient time for the first time EVER in a photo, I’ll dig it out, scan it, and post it up.

Paris. Syria. ISIS. These are stories that weigh on my heart. Refugees seeking help and new homes.

I’m also really fried with reading news from local affiliate stations. Moms throwing their babies out of windows. Moms driving their kids into hazardous conditions (eg, lake, beach). Toddlers being left unattended in cars during hot weather. Now that I’m a mom, these stories get to me in ways they never did before. Because I briefly experienced postpartum psychosis and almost harmed my child. I feel for these mothers. I feel for these children. My heart hurts and aches for all involved. And I need to disconnect from the news so that I don’t experience the deep fall in my mood that occurs when I read these stories.

Main Theme: Fashion & Sponsored Posts

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Fashion & Sponsored Posts.
A few words (maybe paragraphs?) about fashion. Fashion exists for comfort except on possibly rare occasions when all you’re supposed to do is look good. Get some comfortable shoes, some comfortable pants, a comfy shirt, and maybe a cozy sweater to complete your outfit. Are you going to Walmart? Please, leave the stilettos at home. I don’t care who you think you’re going to run into.

I love it when I see a woman dressed to the nines at the airport. She has a short-sleeved (maybe ¾-sleeved) shirt, stiff pants, stiletto heels that only Lady Gaga could reasonably get away with, and no sweater or jacket in her carry on. I stand there with my Old Navy bulky sweater (as a backup, of course, temperature varies in airports and planes), long-sleeved V-neck sweater with a tank underneath (peel off layers, if need be!), comfy jeans, socks, and New Balance sneakers. (Bonus points if you own a clog that allows you to wear socks with it.)

This folks, is my fashion. A Beatles T-shirt and bootcut jeans held up by a belt. Skechers shoes. Done. I’ll also have you know that Chapstick did not sponsor this post even though I use their cherry-flavored lip balm in the winter. Just the right hint of red and I don’t need to look into a mirror to apply it properly.

I am probably the sloppiest fashion person you’ll know. So sloppy, I don’t even take pictures of myself. (Well, mostly because I’m fat now and don’t like the way I look but still…)

You will be hard pressed to find me doing product giveaways on this blog. For one, I don’t blog often enough, and two, the only sponsorship I’d care for is from The Container Store (which, boy, could I take pictures of all the ways I contain my home…). But I am just not into fashion. The stores I talk about are limited. (Have I told you about this great store called Target???)

There’s a jealous part of me that wants to be a mommy blogger—in the business sense of the word. To win sponsored trips to Disney and other vacation resorts for my family. To acquire a nice gift card for myself and another one to give away to a lucky commenter. But the time, the effort, the pretense… I don’t have it. Not only that, I talk about topics that alienate people, not encourage them to come read a post.

So I am just content to be a blogger who’s a mommy. Thanks.

 

Main Theme: Race

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Race.
I believe I’ve alienated many of the people of color I used to get along with online. I’ve probably annoyed many of them too. But I suppose it’s all right because I’ve always had a hard time getting along with people of color. There’s been a string of shootings, usually involving white cops and black victims. I don’t believe it’s all about race. I think I’ve iterated before that the white cop vs black victim thing is more of a class issue, eg, middle-class person policing a lower income neighborhood. I’ve been challenged on not being colorblind. And the older I’ve gotten, the less colorblind I’ve become. I think that’s OK as long as recognizing color isn’t used as a tool for division.

I’m not of the popular black opinion that white privilege and white supremacy dominate everything. Do I believe white privilege exists? To some extent, but I don’t believe it’s as pervasive as people of color make it out to be. For example, is a white girl who speaks well and dresses professionally more likely to get a job than me? I think so. That’s white privilege. However, if I dress professionally and speak well, will I beat out the white girl who shows up to a white-collar interview in a T-shirt and jeans? Yep. I believe that, too. Being the most qualified for a job doesn’t just mean that your qualifications on paper meet whatever standard the hiring manager’s got. Being the most qualified for a job shows that you’re a well-rounded individual: You look good on paper, can express your thoughts clearly, and know how to dress properly for an interview. White people have the advantage (which I guess is white privilege). But I’m not of the opinion that white privilege can’t be overcome. People of color just need to work twice as hard to obtain something a white person can easily get.

Then, there’s the issue of white supremacy. Please, let’s leave the term “white supremacy” with the groups it belongs to: the KKK, the Aryans, and the Nazis. The term “white supremacy” has connotations of suppressing the advancement of other races. The majority of white Americans do not do this on an active, regular basis. To accuse the average white person in America as being a white supremacist is an insult. Nevermind that the white person may have friends of color. If that white person treats people of all races with respect, love, and kindness, that kills any form of white supremacy they can be accused of. White supremacy is played out in the hatred of other races. Not in the average white American.

I don’t really listen to rap, R&B, and typically “black” music. Not the new stuff, anyway. I noticed I only have 3 stations featuring black artists on my Pandora radio: James Brown, Rihanna, and Nat King Cole. I had a Mary J. Blige station I barely listened to. I had a Mariah Carey station that I didn’t like. I had a Kanye West station featuring songs I would thumbs down. I had a Sean Paul station that I got tired of. Although we’re getting on the dubious side of race here, I had a Michael Jackson station that played mostly Jackson 5 and Motown rather than 80s and early 90s pop.

So I’ve embraced my Pandora stations in all their diverse glory: the 3 black artists I briefly mentioned and Norah Jones, Sarah McLachlan, Aimee Mann, Rebecca St. James, Yo-Yo Ma, Paul McCartney & Wings, The Beatles, Bread, Ke$ha, Britney Spears, Sara Groves, Neil Diamond, No Doubt. I also have an MC Chris station for my husband that plays “nerdcore” and comedic songs, which is a station I also happen to enjoy on road trips. The artists on my Pandora station are overwhelmingly white. And that’s OK! They produce music that I like and my preference for music has no racial color.

 

Main Theme: Outcast

~ K ~ 1 Comment

The main theme in my head is how I don’t fit in. I don’t fit in within most situations. I am not the kind of person to bully my way into fitting in. I am hyperaware of the perceptions of the people who surround me and I make it a point to adjust myself to fit their expectations. I have several Twitter accounts that serve as an extension of who I am: my established account with the most followers and the most interaction; an account where I spout religious and political opinions; a professional account; and an account open to all friends, family, and coworkers that is relatively safe and free of topics that may cause arguments.

A few topics on my mind will be posted in the coming days:

  • Race
  • Fashion & Sponsored Posts
  • Politics & News

Nothing particularly exciting. Just what you’ve come to expect from me: rambles.