Category: Personal

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

~ K ~ 8 Comments

I have tried so hard and so desperately to maintain contact with my paternal cousins. And except for the few that I was able to reconnect with in August, the majority of them don’t seem to want to have anything to do with me.

It’s tough because I’m an only child and since my father passed away in 2001, I’ve desperately wanted to connect with my cousins on an adult level and build a friendship with them. But they are in a totally different place than I am. And being around them feels like being back in high school with the popular cliques.

(Did I mention I hated high school so much I passed up getting a yearbook?)

Unfortunately, the cousins I feel shut out by are the cousins I’m most likely to encounter. I feel like nothing I ever do is right. Nothing I do is ever good enough and by all accounts, I’m a completely loser in their eyes.

I don’t know why I need their approval so much. That’s a lie; I do.

Because if I let the connection with my paternal cousins die, it will force me to accept that the family member who bonded us together is gone.

Because I have this Daddy Complex and I just can’t let my father die. I keep trying to find ways to keep him alive even though December will have been 10 years since he passed away. I’m hoping to reconnect with my last living paternal uncle this summer who was nicknamed after my father. He seems really nice.

Everyone who talks to me knows how miserable I feel around my paternal family. I can’t enjoy weddings. I could go on and on about how my wedding was a hot disaster to my family because I was a strict fundamentalist and wouldn’t pay for other people to have alcohol. I had a DJ and I didn’t even want that. I didn’t get to eat the dinner I paid for that night. The appetizer I did have triggered an allergic reaction that almost made me throw up. I got sick with a bad cold the next morning. My wedding, in my eyes, was a failure and a terrible mess. I barely remember the highlights. (In retrospect, I wished I had hired a videographer because I remember almost nothing from the reception.)

Although I thank GOD that my marriage has turned out to be better than I could have ever dreamed.

I’m caught in this odd place because I want to know how to love my cousins as God would want me to. Does it mean shutting them out of my life by not going to the events they invite me to? I’m not sure. I’ve invited people to visit me but they haven’t. I’ve been to their homes and they’ve never been to mine. I keep wanting to make one last attempt to reach out to them for my 30th birthday party but I probably won’t pay for people to have alcohol there either. (I’m not averse to it anymore, but I’m poor and not well stocked.) And of course, if they’re there, I’ll have more anxiety about impressing them rather than just simply having a good time with people I’m mostly comfortable with. It’s my birthday and for the past several years, I’ve had lousy birthdays. I want this one to be fun and fabulous.

As I look forward to my 30th birthday coming up in February, I want to work on two things:

  1. Obsessing less about what people (who don’t care about me) think
  2. Eliminating energy-sucking people and their negative attitudes from my life

For me, my cousins are energy suckers and they don’t even know they’re doing this to me. I’m not sure I can broach the subject with them without sounding like a whiny child. The fault doesn’t lie entirely with them though, of course; I let them do this to me.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. —Eleanor Roosevelt

My maternal female cousin (and Maid of Honor) challenged me to cut them out of my life as much as I could. And after giving it some thought, I agree with her. I get such agita when I think of being at a function with all of them. (Except for the one that’s coming up in the summer since it involves the paternal cousins I like.) It’s time for me to stop waiting for an excuse to land in my lap and start learning to say no right now.

It’s also probably worth mentioning that these particular cousins and I have next to nothing in common other than being related. As far as I know, they’re not practicing Christians; they’re single; frown upon brothas and sistas dating Caucasians; love to go to bars and clubs; drink tons of alcohol; and are into entertainment, fashion, and pop culture trends.

I’m an evangelical (mostly orthodox) Christian; married to a white guy; feel out of place at bars and clubs; drink beer or wine once a week; and is lucky to even know who Snooki is. I’m boring: I read books, write blog posts, revise a novel, listen to music, like board games, and have an occasional beer or wine. I don’t watch TV (or have cable anymore) and watch movies rarely (although this action-packed blockbuster summer might throw me for a few migraine doozies).

I just keep looking for love in all the wrong places.

Love Wins Analysis: Chapter 7: The Good News Is Better Than That

~ K ~ Leave a comment

[This is part XIII of a multi-part series on Rob Bell’s book, Love Wins.]

Image from covdevotions2010.blogspot.com

Heading into Chapter 7, the reader gets the sense that Bell is wrapping things up. He details the parable of the Prodigal Son very much in Tim Keller-like style, giving equal attention to the elder and young brothers. But then he also focuses on the attributes of the father in how he dealt with his sounds:

The father redefines fairness. … Grace and generosity aren’t fair; that’s their very essence. The father sees the young brother’s return as one more occasion to practice unfairness. The younger son doesn’t deserve a party—that’s the point of the party. That’s how things work in the father’s world. Profound unfairness.

The odd thing as I read that is that well, yes, I agree. God is unfair. And somehow I see this as evidence that bolsters a Reformed theologian’s argument rather than Bell’s idea of religious universalism.

People get what they don’t deserve.

Bell and I still agree.

Parties are thrown for younger brothers who squander their inheritance.

I put on brakes here not because I disagree with the statement as it’s written, but I worry that the implication is that it’s okay to “squander” an inheritance because a party gets thrown anyway. (Romans 6 warns against this.)

As Bell continues to develop his idea of this widely known parable (shifting away from Keller), Bell seems to redefine “hell” as a person living in the enslavement of his or her own selfish attitudes and vices in the presence of a loving and generous God.

Jesus puts the older brother right there at the party, but refusing to trust the father’s version of the story. Refusing to join in the celebration.

Hell is being at the party.
That’s what makes it so hellish.

… In this story, heaven and hell are within each other,
intertwined, interwoven, bumping up against each other.

If the older brother were off, alone in a distant field,
sulking and whining about how he’s been a slave all these years and never even had a goat to party with his friend with, he would be alone in his hell.
But in the story Jesus tells, he’s at the party, with the music in the background and the celebration going on right there in front of him.

Later on, Bell says:

We create hell whenever we fail to trust God’s retelling of the story.

The odd thing is, I see Bell’s connection. But I fear that his conclusion is simply just a leap. This idea is not easily pulled from the text, and when you frame the parable of the prodigal son in the context of a book on heaven, hell, and fate, sure, it somewhat makes sense. But out of the context of Love Wins (and in context of the rest of the Bible), I don’t know that Bell’s interpretation of the story holds up. And therefore, ultimately, I think it falls apart as a whole.

Bell later on admits that people who reject God do suffer punishment:

We’re at the party,
but we don’t have to join in.
Heaven or hell.
Both at the party.

… To reject God’s grace,
to turn from God’s love,
to resist God’s telling [of our story],
will lead to misery.
It is a form of punishment, all on its own.

This is an important distinction, because in talking about what God is like, we cannot avoid the realities of God’s very essence, which is love. It can be resisted and rejected and denied and avoided, and that will bring another reality. Now, and then.

We are that free.

This is the part where I imagine Reformed Christians chafing at the collar at that last statement. But Bell continues on to unequivocally state that yes, hell exists and people can create it. But I fear Bell is too equivocal in what that hell is (negative attitudes and vices).

When people say they’re tired of hearing about “sin” and “judgment” and “condemnation,” it’s often because those have been confused for them with the nature of God. God has no desire to inflict pain or agony on anyone.

God extends an invitation to us,
and we are free to do with it is [sic] as we please.

Saying yes will take us in one direction;
saying no will take us in another.

… We do ourselves great harm when we confuse the very essence of God, which is love, with the very real consequences of rejecting and resisting that love, which creates what we call hell.

I’ll end this chapter analysis with a quote I liked (in light of the parable of the two sons):

Our badness can separate us from God’s love,
that’s clear.
But our goodness can separate us from God’s love as well.

Neither son understands that the father’s love was never about any of that. The father’s love cannot be earned, and it cannot be taken away.

It just is.

On Being Honest, Open, and Vulnerable

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Over the weekend, I was challenged to be choosy about who I share my heart and deepest troubles with. I suppose I am the “wear my heart on my sleeve” sort of person. A bleeding-heart liberal (so to speak) who thinks that by being honest, open, and vulnerable with others, it encourages others to do the same with not just me but also other people. (The idealist in me wants to make the world a better place by sharing feelings and all that silly nonsense.)

I can be rather choosy, but my friend has a point: far too often, I lay myself completely bare which only opens me up to rejection and disappointment. It is one of the reasons I deleted my old Facebook accounts and began a completely different one that is a bit impersonal. There have been times when I’ve been too open on Twitter as well, leaving me to feel as if no one cares if I get no response. This is not the fault of others; only myself.

But I think we need safe havens in which we can feel comfortable. Just like Jesus had his 12 disciples and of those, 3 very good friends (Peter, James, and John), I need to be content with having a few solid friends who know the depth of my troubles and a slightly larger Christian group in which I can ask for prayer.

I don’t believe that it’s wrong to share a deeply personal trouble at a Bible study group during prayer time. Does the potential to make everyone in the room uncomfortable exist? Absolutely. But if someone feels overwhelmed and as if he or she is drowning under the weight of whatever issue persists, a Christian group should be loving and kind enough to address the issue and seek to assist however possible.

Granted, I should be a bit more judicious about the information I share, and going forward, to some extent I will. But people need to connect and know that they are not alone in whatever they’re going through and I think more harm is done by keeping silent and trying to “go it alone” rather than attempting to share in the hope that others will come alongside you.

Temporary Hiatus Again

~ K ~ 1 Comment

 

Image from zackcr.com

Sorry about the lack of blog posts. I’m in the midst of a super busy season in my life and I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now. I hope to get regular blog posting back on track on Monday and I hope develop some kind of a weekly schedule so I’m not overwhelmed at 11 at night with the need to produce some kind of content hanging over my head.

Dying of Self

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I experienced a dying of self this weekend. I begged and prayed to God this weekend to be emptied of self so I could be more selfless. And while I had a marvelous time thanks to God’s graciousness, I still, at moments, felt pangs and stings of pain. But I really tried to serve and to love others. And I can only imagine it would have been much more difficult if I didn’t try to seek God out beforehand.

I’m in the midst of my busy season of life. But in the midst of this busy Lenten season, I am remembering Jesus and reading about his life and sacrifice. I am remembering that I need God above all things and need to desire Him more than anything or anyone.

Tomorrow will be a challenging 12-hour day. But I hope the Lord sustains me in a gentle way like He has this past weekend.

I hope.

Believing a Place of Hurt Is Good

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Today’s struggle is an attempt to focus on God above all else. This is really a daily struggle but there are days in which God specifically asks, “Will you trust Me even though I’ve allowed you to be in a place of hurt?” On those days, it is difficult to swallow my anger and pride and say, “Yes, Lord, I will choose to trust You and believe that this current place of hurt is for my good and for Your glory even though I don’t understand why I’m here.”

Sometimes we ask things of God and He does not give them to us because we are bound by the illusion that we will be happier, more satisfied, or more fulfilled if we get what we seek. Then we dismiss God as cruel and unjust for holding out on us. Perhaps God wants us to come to a place where we can say, “I’d really like [xyz] and even though I’ve desired this for a long time and You haven’t said yes to this prayer, I will give you the preeminent place in my heart.”

This Lent, I am seeking to grow closer to God, to make Him first in all things. God is radical: He doesn’t want some parts of my life; He wants all of it. And I need to submit all parts of my life including my greatest desires. And then I must say “Your will be done” and follow God, wherever His path may lead.

How I Got My Name

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I tend to scribble a lot

My father chose my name. He claimed it came to him in a dream. He made the mistake, however, of naming me Karcel at birth. My mother hated the name and always refuted that she “had no car to sell.” At six months old, Karcel was crossed out on my birth certificate and my real full name that I use to this day was written above it. The original name is still popular among my cousins and extended family.

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Target Locked

~ K ~ 1 Comment
Image from http://www.laroysairsoft.com

When a Christian decides to zero in on a particular sin and defeat it, count on evil forces to make it ten times worse of a challenge.

Remember my Lenten challenge? All I have to say is that it’s not easy.

—

Unrelated: I really hope I don’t start getting hits on people getting locked out of Target or something silly because of my title.

Approval from Others: I Shouldn’t Drink to That

~ K ~ 1 Comment
Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve been dealing with a huge “fear of man” issue lately—I care too much about what others think of me. I second-guess everyone’s motives, and if my friendship is rejected, speculations fly in my head in determining the possible reason of how I caused the rejection.

There’s a song by Rihanna called “Cheers (Drink to That)” that I really like. (The Avril Lavigne sample from “I’m With You” though? Not so much.) Yes, it’s a song about drinking.

Cheers to freakin’ weekend,
I’ll drink to that (yeah yeah).
Oh, let the Jameson sink in,
I’ll drink to that (yeah yeah).
Don’t let the bastards get you down,
Turn it around with another round,
There’s a party at the bar,
Everybody put your glasses up
And I’ll drink to that!”

I’ve gotta admit, I consider for the length of song drinking all my troubles away. The idea of drinking alcohol to drown all my paranoia and the possible criticism people might be leveling my way sounds enticing. The song somehow gets me all warm and fuzzy with the idea of sitting around a bar happily drinking myself stupid with a bunch of people I don’t know in an effort to escape my troubles. I never even dreamed of romanticizing the idea until this song. I wouldn’t lay blame with the song or the singer so much as I do with my interpretation of the avenue I think it gives me.

I’m constantly seeking approval from others. And I know that’s it’s wrong. I know that can only come from God, and I struggle with that. So I desire to drink alcohol to drown out the internal war in my head. I want to drink to deal with the war of truth and lies that rages in my brain.

As the song fades out, each time I need to tell myself, “No, drinking to get comfort only exacerbates the problems you’re dealing with. You must get ultimate comfort from God.”

But God doesn’t dull my senses like alcohol does. When I’m depressed, God doesn’t put me to sleep right away like alcohol can. And whether I drink or pray in the evening, the internal critics return in the morning to torment me. I can’t escape them; I don’t know what to do.

—

The song is just one example that leads into a larger issue of how music (not just melody or beats but also lyrics) can influence a person’s moods and thinking, but ironically, I’ve had a beer tonight (with a BBQ pizza!) and I don’t have the brainpower or energy to tackle a post of that scale tonight.

Minor end of an era for me

~ K ~ 1 Comment

For the first time since 2003, I let my LiveJournal Paid account status expire. It’s sort of an end of an era for me because I’d bee paying for and using LiveJournal shortly before I began dating my now husband.

My car that I purchased in September of 2003 is also breaking down. It’s really on its last legs, and I need to get a new one, like, yesterday.

While I’m sad about those things, I’m happy to say that my husband (who appeared in my life around the same time as LiveJournal and my car) is still very much active in my life and showing no signs of leaving me anytime soon or reverting to “Basic (unpaid)” status. (At least, he better not!)

It’s just a small reminder to me that while material things are nice, they all come to an end at some point. Only God and people really matter.

I’ve Been Rejecting God’s Reality and Substituting My Own

~ K ~ 2 Comments
Because in Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic world, the Holocaust didn’t happen.

I’ve often thought of myself as being able to relate to the Biblical character Job, but lately I find myself falling in line with Jonah.

A (not very) brief synopsis of the Book of Jonah:

God commissions Jonah to preach repentance from sin to the town of Nineveh (or else God will bring calamity upon the town). Jonah, an Israelite, hates the Ninevites who are enemies of Israelites. Jonah’s not really happy about this commission from God because He knows God won’t act ruthlessly against these people so he runs.

He flees. He does all he can to get away from God and the mission he’s been sent to do.

After causing grief in the lives of some sea men who are caught in a tempest, they throw him into the water where he gets swallowed up by a whale for three days and three nights. Jonah repents of his attempt to escape God and his mission and the whale vomits him out on to land.

Jonah, eager to get his mission over with, completes a three-day journey to Nineveh in one day. He walks into the city crying, “Yet forty days and Nineveh will be overthrown.” From what readers can tell, Jonah does not elaborate on this statement; he only repeats that Nineveh’s doomed in 40 days.

And what Jonah expected to happen happens. The Ninevites repent and turn to the God of Israel, asking for forgiveness from their wicked ways.

How frustrating for Jonah. This turn of events makes God spare the lives of these people.

In the last chapter of the book, Jonah sits outside of the city waiting for what he knows will not happen: the destruction and complete annihilation of Nineveh. He rants at God angrily for having the following attributes:

  • Being gracious
  • Being merciful
  • Being slow to anger
  • Abounding in steadfast love
  • Relenting from disaster

Jonah hates the fact that God extends these attributes to people he can’t stand and begs for death. God answers him and challenges him:

“Do you have good reason to be angry?”

At first, Jonah doesn’t answer. God leaves it alone.

Then the sun and scorching heat bear down on Jonah and God allows a plant to grow over him to give him some relief. This makes Jonah happy.

Then God allows a worm to kill the plant overnight, leaving Jonah back in the sun and heat again. Again, Jonah puts his life back on the table, begging to die. God calmly asks:

“Do you have good reason to be angry about the plant?”

Jonah rages now: “Yeah, I got good reason to be angry. So angry I want to die!”

God declares checkmate against Jonah, challenging Jonah’s care of a dead plant that he did not labor to produce against God’s care for the people and animals of a big city that He created.

That’s the end of the chapter. No further response from Jonah. My supposition is that either Jonah was probably too pissed off to continue writing what occurred after or that Jonah was too embarrassed by his subsequent reaction that he didn’t record it. Perhaps God, in His loving compassion, didn’t require him to.

In the reading of this chapter, I discover that I am very much like Jonah. I run and flee from God. I don’t like the tasks He’s put before me and I’d rather do something else. And Tuesday night, I was angry—angry unto death.

Like Jonah, I need to accept what God’s mission is for me (job) rather than the mission I want to create for myself (motherhood). To quote Adam Savage from the hit TV show “Mythbusters,” I’ve been telling God:

“I reject your reality and substitute my own!”

It is clear in a variety of ways that God’s mission for me right now is to focus on my job. He is blessing in me in that realm through agent interest, independent contracting, further education, increased job responsibilities, and possibly a new position. I’ve been a complete fool to overlook the ways that God is blessing me in this area.

And while I’d love to become a mother, it’s clear that’s not what God wants for me right now. While it makes me sad and it’s okay for me to grieve over the death of this dream monthly, I need to press forward with the mission God has charged me with rather than trying to run away in an opposite direction, causing grief to those around me. Am as I happy about my mission as Jonah? Probably, since I’ve been hoping for my mission to come to fruition for a while. But I’ll try to accept where God has me and what He wants me to do before I become a mother (should that ever happen).

Okay, God, so here’s what I’ll try my best to do:

I reject my reality and substitute Your own.

Manic-Depressive Life, Manic-Depressive Faith

~ K

It should be no secret to anyone on this blog that I suffer from bipolar disorder (formerly manic depression), although more along the lines of the depressive spectrum. I’m pretty positive that this affects my outlook on nearly everything and how I deal with life sometimes.

I can be a real downer. For days, perhaps even weeks, at a time. I am not a sparkling ray of sunshine 365 days a year although you’d never know it if you met me at my job. I’m pretty much Bubbly Betty or Cheerful Charlene.

For a lot of people, it’s disconcerting to meet someone who’s constantly down on themselves and their lives when they’ve got so many blessings and things to be thankful for. But let’s face it: we all have our own problems and our own sinkholes to patch up. Some are a bit more expressive than others.

I talk too much, want too much, need too much. Continue reading “Manic-Depressive Life, Manic-Depressive Faith” →