Author: K

Fertility Clinics

~ K ~ Leave a comment

My expectations of fertility clinics has changed now that I’ve been through the ringer twice. I used to expect (naive little me) that fertility clinics would be warm, welcoming places for couples who were suffering through infertility. Now I know better. Now I know that it’s a business, and fertility clinics are only out to make money—helping people get pregnant is just a means to an end.

The first time around at the fertility clinic, the nurses were nice, but the doctors cool and impersonal. My husband and I were just another number, just another dollar sign. I still get upset when I think of my first and last IUI (intrauterine insemination) there. The doctor was so flippant about how he thought it wouldn’t work. It’s like he took a dump on our $800 before flushing it down the toilet.

But I’m going back to a fertility clinic—a different one this time. I’m not as naive as the first time around. I get it. I’m a huge dollar sign. The more advanced the treatment (see IVF), the better. But I’ve got limits. I will have these doctors, however impersonal they are, help me get pregnant. I’ll attempt IUIs but not much more than that (mostly because I can’t afford it).

I guess I should admit that I’m grateful that the nurses weren’t impersonal, but were even kind, warm, and caring. But there’s nothing caring about getting a cold internal ultrasound shoved in your uterus. But ovulation kits don’t work for me so I need to rely on the advanced, expensive stuff.

After almost 4 years of trying to get pregnant and not succeeding, I know we need medical intervention. At the new fertility clinic, we could have up to a 2-hour consultation with the doctor. I hope the detailed history and visit will prove beneficial to producing a child later this year.

Sigh.

I have the funny feeling if I get the privilege of being a mom, I’m going to have one high-maintenance kid (a lot like his mother).

Thoughts Swirling around in My Brain

~ K ~ 2 Comments

Part-time employee status. Husband. Attending the staff meeting in 2 weeks. Bringing in my copy of the AMA style guide to work. Bringing in personal things to work to jazz up my workspace. Let’s face it: I have three places of employment—home, the ad agency, and the library.

Things I am concerned about: making friends at the ad agency. I don’t know how to be a good friend let alone open myself up to receive one. I just need to learn to be content with the few friends I have at the ad agency. C and D are both really good acquaintances.

I am praying for several things at the moment, some trivial, some not:

  • The commercial tenant below to move and to have our landlord offer us the space. I could use it as a dedicated home office and deduct the space from my taxes. This is unlikely but it’s something that I’m praying for nonetheless. I realize that our rent would go up as a result of such an offer but the possibility would still be nice!
  • The Container Store to build a store in Malvern, PA so that I don’t have to drive to crazy Jersey every time I want to get my Container Store fix. And I know just the place for it too…
  • For patience. I’d like a baby. I’d like to become a permanent part-time employee of the ad agency I work for. I’d like more clients. So many things I would like, but I am only one person and there are not enough hours in the day for everything I’d like. And I’m exhausted. Really, God knows what’s best for me. I need to trust Him that everything is as it should be right now. Although it’s difficult when I want a kid, like yesterday. But I am concerned because I know that with the schedule I have right now, a child doesn’t fit in those plans.

I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom even before I knew what that was. Maybe it’s because my mom was always working and missed out on semi-important events in my life (eg, school plays). My mother, in her quest to provide the best education for me, was never home and I missed out on a lot of opportunities, such as Girl Scouts, as I got older. I always thought how nice it would be if I came home to the smell of freshly baking cookies. That’s always been my dream. But if that couldn’t happen for me, I am determined to make that happen for my kids. (Although the freshly baked cookies will probably be courtesy of Pillsbury because I am a lazy cook.)

Blathering Blatherskite (That’s Me)

~ K ~ 1 Comment

I have nothing to write about really. I’m reading a book, Writing Down Your Soul, and it’s fascinating to me so far. I’m not very far in the book, but the author talks about listening to the Voice from within (yourself) and from without (God). It’s a very spiritual book so atheists wouldn’t like it, but it’s not directly Christian so fundamentalists wouldn’t like it. But I am neither. I am a middle-of-the-road Christian who accepts that the universe does stuff with a lowercase u, and recognizes that God is behind everything with a capital G. I don’t ever plan on being a pastor so I’m okay with my slightly unscriptural stance.

I am at my proofreading job right now. There’s a lot of talk and speculation that I’ll be brought on as a permanent part-time employee, but as of right now, I haven’t gotten complete confirmation. I have a cube, a computer, and my own extension, things which are nice. The office manager has been a real sweetheart and she really likes me so she’s helped me to get set up very well. I appreciate her going out of her way to make me feel like I’m part of the team, something that I’ve felt on the outs for quite a while now.

I’m always afraid that I am doing a poor proofreading job. It’s a constant fear I have because I struggle with perfectionism. I know no one can be perfect and I also know that I should take the fact that the company keeps bringing me in as a sign that I’m doing a good job, but my job centers around the fact that I’m meant to primarily minimize mistakes and I fear that I’m not minimizing them to the extent that other people would like. (I just heard my name from someone so I popped my head up, doing the “gopher” thing that people in cubicles do.) I later learned that indeed it was a mistake that I made, and I am better off never ASSuming but always querying something I’m not sure of.

Racism

~ K ~ 5 Comments

I get so frustrated when black people, especially kids, throw around the term racist to any white person who offends them in some way. It’s annoying and it diminishes the meaning of the term.

I work in a library in a predominantly white community. The black kids that come in can get a little rowdy. (To be fair, kids of all colors who come in can get a little rowdy.) When the kids start using foul language or begin causing trouble, they get kicked out. The black kids cry out “racist!” directly at the person who is sending them off (and that person tends to be white). It rankles my feathers to hear that term being bandied about by kids who probably have never encountered real racism. As my (white) husband put it so well, these kids use the only defense they’ve got because once you call a white person a racist, “it shuts them down and they have no other comeback.”

I’ve encountered racism. Sadly enough, the racism has come primarily from other black people. I’ve had other black people tear me down for music I’ve listened to, people I’ve chosen to date, and for the books I read. It’s one of the reasons I have very few black friends. In some respects, I feel more comfortable around white people than black people because most white people don’t go out of their way to make me feel inferior.

Anyway, that’s the end of my rant about black kids who pull out the racist card like it’s the biggest ace they’ve got.

Regular Posts Taper Off

~ K ~ Leave a comment

So my streak has run out. I’ve had a nice run of regular posts for the beginning of the year, but I’ve run out of things to post daily. Maybe I’ll settle for posting weekly. Maybe I’ll post as the mood strikes me. Regardless, it’s been nice to have regular posts daily.

Perhaps, you my fellow readers, can give me some suggestions on what to address in the future?

Spiritual apathy and work

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I’m in a weird spiritual place right now. I’m not anti-God or even angry with Him. I just am. I just exist. But somehow He and I have a disconnect. I know God doesn’t want someone who is lukewarm and I am so lukewarm right now.

I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. —Revelation 3:15-17

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I have the potential opportunity to work 3 jobs. Yes, THREE. I feel fortunate to be able to have work coming in this tough economy. But yes, I work as a freelance editor and proofreader for advertising agencies. That’s my niche; that’s my specialty. I accept it and embrace it. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you might have noticed mistakes, errors, misspellings, typos. I really don’t edit my posts on this blog much, especially since I put most of my effort into my day job. On my professional blog (which I haven’t written for in quite a while), I double-check and triple-check my work before hitting the Publish button. But I allow myself this place—this space—to be imperfect and make mistakes since I feel the need to be at the top of my game in other areas.

Acceptance

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I once had a counselor who told me that people want two things in life: to be accepted and to be right. The acceptance part is especially true for me. I work in a position where I want so desperately to be accepted and yet I feel like an outsider. I’m not a regular member of the staff and it positively kills me to be excluded. I’m simply a contractor without the burdens and headaches of being a regular staff member.

Acceptance has always been a regular theme in my life. Even when I was in high school, I desperately wanted to be accepted and part of some group. To the point where I joined a group of people who made fun of me—all in the hopes that I would be accepted.

Not being accepted is like standing outside in the bitter cold looking in at a family in a cabin happily playing a board game by the fire. It feels that isolating.

And that’s how I still feel today at times in my professional career. The person I report to is not a friend but merely a business acquaintance. (She uses colons in her emails to me, which is a sign of formality, not friendship.) For some strange reason, I look for acceptance from her too, but I don’t know if I’d ever be satisfied.

That’s the other thing about acceptance. How do you know when you are well and truly accepted by a person or an organization?

Writing Conference

~ K ~ 1 Comment

So I’m attending the Writer’s Digest Conference in New York City in 2013. I will be there pitch slamming my little heart out. I’m not sure what to expect out of the conference. I’m excited to hear James Scott Bell, who’s a fantastic speaker and writing coach. And I’d like to read an Adriana Trigiani book beforehand since she’s the keynote speaker, but I have a dilemma…

I’ve determined that I will write a book during the month of April. So I lose 3 valuable days to conferencing. I hope I learn something worthwhile. I’m so afraid that what I hear will be a rehash of what I learned in 2011. (On the other hand, I suppose a rehash could be a good thing.) But another part of me is excited because my novel is in much better shape for sending to agents than it was in 2011. I feel more confident about hocking my book now. It’s just a matter of nailing down that “hook” so I can properly pitch to agents and get them interested in what I think is a compelling story. (Of course I think it’s compelling—it’s my book!)

Changes

~ K ~ Leave a comment

When it comes to change in my life, I try to be an incremental person, incorporating it gradually. For example, when it comes to getting to the gym, I’ve decided that I will go on weekends when I have no interruptions. I’m not the type to vow to go to the gym every day (anymore) because it’s something I know I would fail at. So my minimum to go to the gym is once a week. And I try to exercise for 45-60 minutes while I’m there.

I used to be an all-at-once person when I was younger, thinking I could take on the world on a whim. But I’m a little wiser now. There was a time when I would have vowed to exercise 5 days a week and completed that feat for… a week. Now, with my goal to get to the gym once a week, it sets me up for success. I’ve found that it’s doable, I’m consistent, and much more likely to go.

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I’m also having change in another form. There’s the possibility that I might score another client for my fledgling editorial business, which is exciting. I try not to worry too much about my grammar and spelling on this website since I have to worry about it in every other aspect of my life.

How to Win at Online Scrabble

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These are not guaranteed techniques to work in every instance, but if you’ve been losing against your opponent in Scrabble, here are some tips to give you the edge you need to win.

1. Play for the best possible points, not for the best possible word. Sometimes you’ll have a really good word you want to play, like oh say, QUIET, but it may be that simply playing QI may give you the best possible points. You may need to forgo the full word in favor of the two-letter abbreviations that work for you. Online Scrabble tells you the points you’d have if you proceeded with that play.

2. Use the dictionary feature available to you. It’s there for a reason. (This is different from going to a word generator on the Web that spits out all possible combinations of words from the letters you’ve been given. That’s definitely cheating. Don’t do that.) But some people I play with consider using the dictionary cheating so I don’t use that feature when I play against them. But otherwise, you may be surprised to discover the words that exist with the letters you’ve been given!

3. Aim to play high-point tiles on score-laden squares. See if you can play that 5-point K on a triple-letter square. Maybe you can arrange a word to play that J on a double-letter square. This will help give you the maximum amount of points.

4. Aim to play along the double-word square or triple-word square. That usually maximizes points as well.

5. Playing along the triple-word square may not necessarily give you the maximum amount of points. Depending on the letters surrounding the triple-word square, playing letters like AH may be best played against adjacent letters such as EM, for example.

6. Don’t play low-scoring words just because they’re cool. You don’t have to play TIT because you can. If TILT gives you more points, play that.

7. Don’t exchange tiles unless you absolutely have to. To me, it’s like wasting a turn. It’s very possible to play off of a letter already on the board with a tile rack of all vowels (AERIE or EERIE perhaps) or make a word from all consonants (CWM, DRY, and SHY are all valid words).

8. Play a bingo if you can. That means using all 7 letters provided to you. This gives you an extra 50 points.

9. If you sense that you have a bingo, don’t play until you’ve thoroughly explored all your options. Even if this means a day or not of not making a move, you’ll be happier if you took the time to discover that bingo. (Sometimes, you may be one letter off and it’s also important to know when you’re just short a bingo.)

10. If you have a bingo sitting on your rack, don’t pass a turn hoping your opponent gives you something to play off of. (I’m guilty of doing this, but usually if I’m far enough ahead in the lead.) Remember, the goal is to score the best possible points with the letters you’ve been given in the turn that you have. One, there’s no guarantee your opponent will set you up for what you want, and two, you give your opponent the edge in winning.

11. Learn from the teacher. The teacher is very good (not perfect; I have outscored the teacher) about showing the maximum amount of points possible that you could have played. Ignorance is not bliss if you keep losing in Scrabble. Be open to learning.

12. Sometimes, it’s just the luck of the draw. You have a better chance at winning if you get the higher-scoring tiles such as J, Q, X, and Z. If you get one of those tiles or tiles higher than 1 point (eg, C, Y, H), use them to your advantage.

13. Study your opponent’s moves. If your opponent is a consistent high scorer, study his or her moves and the words he or she uses.

14. Learn new words. Expand your vocabulary. See what words you can come up with when given the following letters: YESSTHC.

Those are my tips on giving yourself the best possible chance at winning at online Scrabble. Hopefully, they will help you improve your technique and win against that opponent who keeps beating you!

Every Good Book Needs a Hook

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I’m trying to decide whether I should attend the Writer’s Digest Conference or not. I attended 2 years ago and found the information to be helpful, but I’m afraid that it will be a rehash of what I learned 2 years ago. James Scott Bell is to be the opening keynote speaker, which has me somewhat excited because I attended one of his breakout sessions, and he was a fantastic speaker, full of vivid illustrations and examples. The early bird price (before February 16) is $449 and the regular price is $499. I don’t know if I want to do the pitch slam. I can’t decide whether it’s fear or laziness holding me back. I can’t quite figure out the “hook” of my novel. Every good song needs a hook and so does every good book. I need a hook that will sell an agent on my novel. Two years ago, I tried doing my pitch and I didn’t really get any bites. There wasn’t an agent that was really excited to see a query letter or synopsis of my novel. And I want an agent that thinks, “Yeah, what a neat concept. This could work.” I just need to work on revising my query letter and synopsis. It’s also a matter of finding the time to plop my butt down in a chair and revise.

How to Succeed on Weight Watchers

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I’m not usually into writing how-tos but in the past month, I’ve lost 10 pounds while being a part of Weight Watchers online. This is just my take on what it takes to succeed on Weight Watchers.

1. Stay within your daily points as best as you can. It’s OK if you go one or two over and fall back on your weekly points—that’s what they’re there for. But do your best not to blow all your daily points in one shot. (My first week on Weight Watchers I blew through my daily and weekly points in one shot!)

2. Plan ahead. Before going out to a restaurant or while at a restaurant, look up the PointsPlus value of the dish. Often it will be well over 15 points. Try to eat half of the dish and save the rest for later. If you can’t find the exact dish in the Weight Watchers database, find a similar dish or guesstimate the PointsPlus value. (Here’s a tip: When guesstimating points, always overestimate. You probably eat more than you think you do. You do yourself no favors by underestimating a massive double cheeseburger laden with bacon as 10 points.)

3. Exercise. There’s no easy way around this. To give yourself the best chance to succeed on Weight Watchers, you must exercise regularly. This helps give you activity points and accelerates your weight loss. I exercise twice a week for at least 30 minutes. (I try to do more along the lines of 45-60 minutes per session.)

4. Eat salad for at least one meal a day. Whether it’s lunch or dinner, make sure that you have some greens for one meal. It may have protein or a small amount of carbs (like croutons), but it’s got to be primarily greens or vegetables and fruit that are considered 0 points, such as mushrooms, onions, peppers, strawberries, or Mandarin oranges.

5. Snack on foods that are 3 points or less. Bonus points if you can eat things that are 0 points. I’m allergic to apples and pears so I keep 100-calorie snack packs around. Those tend to be around 3 points. They are carbs, but if I wash them down with a bottle of water, I’m usually satisfied for a while.

6. Drink plenty of water during meals. Water can be surprisingly filling.

7. Use Weight Watchers in conjunction with a free health and fitness site like MyFitnessPal.com. MyFitnessPal has a wide database that is even more extensive than Weight Watchers online. I’ve found that also calorie-counting in addition to tracking points gives me a better view of how I’m eating. Sparkpeople.com and Loseit.com are great too.

8. Be vigilant about tracking everything. That scoop of ice cream is probably 4 points. Your coffee with milk and sugar is likely to be anywhere from 3 to 5 points. The cheese on your salad? 2 points. The dressing? (Yes, even the dressing.) 1 point (or more depending on how much you use). I’m not always good about this rule myself (See? I’m not perfect!), but this really goes back to that tip of overestimating rather than underestimating points. If it goes into your stomach, make sure to log it.

9. Eat meals like Smart Ones, Lean Cuisine, or Healthy Choice to give yourself an accurate version of portion size. You’ll eat and think to yourself, “Gee, that wasn’t very filling.” And that’s the point. That’s how much you should be eating. Supplement these meals with a healthy snack, such as a banana or carrots. Or eat a small salad beforehand to help fill yourself up.

10. Weigh yourself weekly before eating or drinking anything. Not daily. Weekly. You could go crazy during the week as the scale teeters up and down. And make sure that you weigh yourself first thing in the morning before eating or drinking anything. One, it’s a more accurate result, and two, the number on the scale is likely to make you feel better psychologically than if you weighed yourself after a heavy dinner that included carbs.

11. Get an accountability partner. Weight Watchers online has community forums for users to participate in to get group support. My husband and I are doing Weight Watchers online together and we hold each other accountable.

12. Utilize the Weight Watchers tools that are available to you. I’m doing the online version so I use the mobile app and online program to track my meals daily. There are also online recipes and success stories to inspire and motivate users. (Note: You can’t access the mobile or online features if you do not have a subscription.)

13. Use measuring cups and/or a food scale to help you gauge the amount of food you’re eating. Thus, you’ll have an accurate reading of what you’re eating and what the correct serving size is for each product.

Succeeding on Weight Watchers takes discipline, strength, and willpower. (LOTS of willpower.) Is it true that you can eat anything you want? Yes, but within moderation. You can’t eat everything you want on the same day or even in the same week. Is it true that you may feel deprived? Yes, you may have to pass up that delicious cheeseburger for dinner if you had a large portion of lasagna for lunch. Don’t be fooled: Weight Watchers is a diet plan, and with all diet plans come benefits and drawbacks. But the above tips are what have worked for me so far. Feel free to add tips of your own in the comments below.

Favorite Thing about Myself

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“Most of us are excellent at being self-deprecating, and are not so good at the opposite. Tell us your favorite thing about yourself.”

I’m a loyal friend. Always have been. I can’t think of a time when I haven’t been loyal to a person. Problem for me is that being loyal opens me up to being burned. Betrayal is not something I really do so when it’s done to me, it stings worse than a wasp. I have been betrayed more times than I have betrayed.

But once I’m someone’s friend, I’m a friend for life unless he or she conspires to really hurt me. I’ve had falling outs with friends and made amends (sometimes to the point where I should have let the friendship go). I’ve also had falling outs, tried to make amends and was not successful.

I’m not loyal in everything—I haven’t worked at a company for 10 years. And if I get burned professionally, I’m not above cutting myself off from that connection. But if I could choose one favorite thing about myself, it’s that I’m a loyal friend, and it’s the reason that I am still friends with some of my former middle-school classmates. I feel very fortunate to have the friends that I do.

Life Isn’t What I Thought It Would Be, and That’s Okay

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When I was 16, I thought my life would be something out of 13 Going on 30 or The Devil Wears Prada. I thought I’d be living a posh life in New York City as a magazine editor who wears fabulous designer clothing and makes a ton of money. I imagined the fantastic dress suits like Donna Karan and Elie Tahari that I would wear. I figured I’d be prancing around in Jimmy Choos. My purses would have a seal that bared Prada or Fendi.

Now that I’m 30, my life doesn’t look anything like that. The closest to designed I can get is Coach (affordable designer if I save up for a few months). Prada leather is still kept in glass cases locked from the likes of me. I have yet to even try on a pair of Jimmy Choos or Christian Louboutins. I haven’t bough anything Donna Karan since I pulled myself out of my bipolar credit card debt. And by the way, I’ve discovered  I don’t like Fendi or Louis Vuitton. But I never fail to be envious when I see others carrying the namesake totes.

My life consists of middle-class labels—Old Navy, Gap, Express, New York & Company. I used to care more about designer garments and shoes but not so much anymore. I buy what I like whether it’s an affordable $17.99 or a splurge of $300. (Yes, $300 is a splurge for me because it’s money usually saved up during the course of a year.) I own a ton of Jessica Simpson shoes (I like her fashion more than her music), Skechers shoes, and assorted purses (such as Puma and Adidas) bought at warehouses like DSW. And to be honest (because I’d lie to you), I’m okay with what I buy. I’m too “fat” to fit into anything designer anyway. I can’t imagine the eating disorder I’d have if my closet were full of designer clothing.

So, yeah, I’m pretty much okay with the life I have.

Talking to My 14-Year-Old Self

~ K ~ 3 Comments

If I could tell my 14-year-old self anything now that I’m 30, it’s that life will get better. And it has.

On February 14, 1996, I tried to kill myself for the first time. Well, it was at least the first time I vocalized it to anyone. And as a dumb 14-year-old, I called all my friends to say good-bye because I was despondent over not having any friends. (Insert eye roll here.) Well, these friends called the police who promptly showed up at my door. I’m also happy to say I’m still friends with those same people today.

If I could tell my 14-year-old self anything, it’s that I’d find a wonderful husband, marry into an amazing family, and settle near a mall with the most commercial square footage in the United States. (Malls are important to a mallrat like me.) I’d tell her that she’d develop some fabulous, godly friends and have two jobs that meld her love of reading and writing. I’d tell her that one day she’d head a successful consulting business and have the ability to manage her own income.

I’d tell her that she’d still deal with rough spots in life. That things wouldn’t always go as planned, that prayers wouldn’t always be answered the way she’d like them to.

I’d also add that she would be diagnosed with bipolar disorder and her mental illness would be well managed with medication, therapy, and love.

I’d tell my 14-year-old self not to despair and that the only way out is through. That she has to travel through the tunnel of dark to get to the light of dawn. But that darkness is only a tunnel, not an endless dark sky without hope.

And finally I’d add:

Get over yourself, you little shit. You’ll deal with worse problems that you can’t even fathom. And what’s more? You’ll surive. You’ll be a survivor.