I want my blog to be more positive. I feel like I have so much negative energy surrounding this blog. But right now, I’m angry. Totally angry with myself. I’m dealing with anxiety and fear of man issues. Continue reading “Anxiety, fear of man, and “committing suicide””
Author: K
In search of an identity… motherhood.
I’m a mother now. After nearly 5 years of waiting, a dream has come true. But I’m afraid. So many women become moms and their identity is swallowed up in their children. They forget they are individuals with likes and dislikes and revolve their worlds around their kids.
I don’t want that to be me. I want to continue being the Kass I was before I got pregnant without the incessant melancholy over infertility. However, I do want to pursue my own interests and take time to care for myself and feed my soul. I want to expand my interests and seek new horizons.
- I still want to be a part of the battle for others to overcome infertility.
- I want to champion awareness of mental illness: PPD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, ADHD, OCD, depression, anxiety, and many other mood disorders.
- I want to expand my horizons professionally and attend conferences that will challenge me, engage me, and help me grow.
- I want to expand my horizons personally by connection with supportive women online and offline.
- I want to support non-profit organizations wholeheartedly, e.g., Postpartum Progress, Food for the Hungry, International Justice Mission, and Amnesty International.
- I want to educate the wider Christian community about fertility options and treatments.
- I want to enjoy my work as a library assistant.
- I want to enjoy my work as a freelance editor.
- I want to be a loving, supportive wife.
- I want to be able to splurge (occasionally) on myself.
I don’t want my identity to revolve around my son (as cute as he is).
I know, I know, I’m a Christian so my identity should be based on Christ. Perhaps it’s better to say that I don’t want my personality to be swallowed up by motherhood. The following is a list of things I plan to do for me—to remind myself life isn’t just about my son:
- I plan on treating a friend (and myself) to a massage for relaxation.
- I plan on registering for the Warrior Mom conference that takes place in 2015.
- I plan on being in a wedding in August.
- I plan on attending another friend’s wedding in August
- I plan on going to an editorial conference in September.
- I plan on attending an editor’s conference in March 2015.
I hope to enjoy life more. I want to blog more. A lot of people would add travel to that list. Nope, not me; I’m a happy homebody. I’ll see the Eiffel Tower on the Internet and not deal with turbulence on an airplane over the ATLANTIC OCEAN, kthxbai.
I want to see Justin Timberlake in concert again but not by myself. Alas, some dreams aren’t meant to be realized.
My experience with postpartum depression (PPD)
My postpartum depression (PPD) was instant. The day my son was born—after my placenta was taken out—my pregnancy hormones plummeted and my emotions went off a cliff.
I cried nearly every day for the first 5 weeks of my son’s life. What should have been a happy, joyous time in my life was filled with overwhelming sadness and hopelessness. I felt guilty about everything:
- I didn’t know how to take care of this being who was so completely dependent upon me
- I had waited so long for him but was unable to enjoy him
- I was failing not only as a mother but also a wife
The characteristics of PPD? You name it, I had it.
- Constant crying
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Feelings of worthlessness
- Scary thoughts
- Trouble bonding
- Guilt
- Anger
- Sadness
- Suicidal thoughts
And very many other things.
People encouraged me to have confidence as a mother but I now recognize that confidence is something that develops over time. I’m more confident with my son 9 weeks postpartum but I’ll probably feel ever better 19 weeks postpartum.
I like to think I’m out of the woods with PPD. Feelings of intense sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness have gone away. Scary thoughts have mostly disappeared. Panic attacks, which used to be frequent, have become rare. But I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still adjusting to this motherhood thing. I’m still afraid of hurting my son. Sometimes I’m afraid that I made the biggest mistake of my life—one that I can never undo.
I frequently don’t feel up to the challenge of being a mother. Even though it requires very little from me (eg, changing diapers, bottle feeding), it feels as though I have to give the world.
I want to enjoy motherhood—fully and completely. Although I have glimmers and moments, I’m still very scared to be alone with my son. I am highly dependent upon others to help me take care of him.
In one sense, that’s great—I have a supportive and loving community. On the other hand, I feel like a complete and utter loser.
I’m still in the middle of my PPD journey. Nine weeks postpartum and I’ve made some progress. But I have a long way to go.
My Pregnancy Story: Difficulties and Challenges
The majority of my pregnancy was difficult. Although I wasn’t on complete bed rest, a perinatologist (er, ultrasound doctor) evaluating my case recommended partial bed rest.
Where to begin? Continue reading “My Pregnancy Story: Difficulties and Challenges”
Eye on the Target and other assorted ramblings
Yesterday was a mixed-bag of epic proportions. I had an awesome day with my son. He developed a cold overnight on Sunday but finally began to feel better yesterday. He ate, burped, and slept. It was a great day with him.
I downloaded necessary tools for my freelance trade: SnagIt and Adobe Acrobat Standard. Sure, those two pieces of software cost quite a bit of money together, but I’ve decided it’s better for me to have them and recoup my expenses through earning income than to lose income and not spend the money at all. I have used Adobe Reader’s basic sticky note feature extensively and felt as though I needed to upgrade to more advanced annotation for PDFs. I have used SnagIt in my freelance career and at home for a free trial and decided it was worth the expense if I’m going to edit/proofread websites.
But nothing, oh nothing, compared to the frustration I experienced with my Target card.
I received my basic store Target card sometime last year in 2013. If I had paid attention, I would have noticed that it said I had been a cardholder since 2011. But I didn’t pay attention. All I knew was that I had opened a Target account and could use my card anytime I chose to do so.
Cue the Law & Order theme song.
I tried using my Target red card at the store sometime before the holidays. The card wouldn’t work. I didn’t think much of it because I remembered I hadn’t really activated it. Then I read on the Target red card website that the Target store card does not need to be activated. So I wondered why my card didn’t work but was too lazy to call.
Last night, when I tried to purchase a gift that would have cost me $8.20 in shipping & handling on the website, I noticed the fine print that said “No shipping fees when you use your red card!” Of course! So I whipped the card out and entered it into the payment section and was puzzled when I received a SQL error. When I tried again, the website took me all the way to the final screen and then back to billing where it asked me to enter another valid form of payment. So Target.com recognized my store card as a valid Target card but then didn’t.
Finally frustrated enough to save $8, I called the Target number to speak to a representative. After becoming even more puzzled (and more frustrated) as to why my account number was not being recognized, I kept pressing random buttons until I reached a customer representative. This customer representative informed me that because I had not used my Target card within 2 or 3 months, it was cancelled.
TWO or THREE months?
Cancelled without informing me?
The customer representative proceeded to tell me that if I wanted another Target card to go to the store and open a new one. K? Thx. Bai.
I hung up, absolutely livid. This isn’t the first lousy experience I’ve had with Target and (THANK GOD) haven’t even been hacked. So below is an open letter to Target:
Continue reading “Eye on the Target and other assorted ramblings”
Learning to Love My Son
This post isn’t exactly fun to write, but I am making it public in the hopes that it might help someone who may feel similarly. I’ve been seeing posts written by other women about the topic of postpartum adjustments and it feels important to add my voice to the mix. Continue reading “Learning to Love My Son”
My Son’s Birth Story
The following post recounts how my son was born. It gets detailed at times in terms of body language but that’s just par for the course in describing these kinds of stories. Buckle in; it’s a long read. Continue reading “My Son’s Birth Story”
2014 Goals
Happy New Year! Since it’s the first of the year, it’s time to post this year’s goals! Here are my goals for 2014:
- Keep my child alive somehow after birth (prayer, please!)
- Visit New York 4 times during the year to see family
- List 3 things that I’m grateful for once a week
- Schedule a blog post for each season (minimum 4 times a year)
- Use the elliptical trainer on Thursdays or Fridays once a week
- Strength train on Thursdays or Fridays once a week after the baby is born (DVD videos)
- Complete NaNoWriMo novel before November 1
- Attempt NaNoWriMo in November
- Completely revise Getting Right with God by December 31
- Read 36 books by December 31
The last 4 will pose a challenge but what are goals for if they are all easy?
2013 End-of-Year Goals Check In
1. Schedule a blog post for each month
FAIL. I didn’t post much in the summer and through the latter part of the year.
2. Go to the gym once a week
FAIL. I quit the gym because I got an elliptical trainer at home.
3. Strength train on Mondays
FAIL. I have not strength trained on Mondays. I will wait until the baby’s born before tackling this again.
4. Read 80 books this year
FAIL. I haven’t been in much of a reading mood. I’ve only read 35 books this year.
5. Craft a new novel from an original idea (not something that I’ve recycled)
SUCCESS! I started writing an original novel for NaNoWriMo. I haven’t finished it yet, but I’d like to.
6. Write a new novel from start to finish in 30 days
FAIL. I had a lot of health setbacks in November that prevented me from completing a novel in 30 days.
7. Write 300 words a day whether it’s a combination of blogging, journaling, article writing, or noveling
FAIL. I haven’t written much this year.
8. Attend the Writer’s Digest conference
SUCCESS! I attended the conference, pitched some agents, and had a mighty good time.
9. Submit query letters to literary agents
SUCCESS! I’ve gotten nothing but rejections, but I’ve submitted query letters.
10. Complete synopsis of Getting Right with God
SUCCESS! In fact, I received a synopsis from an editor that’s even better than the one I wrote.
11. Watch a movie on Saturday evenings with Jason
FAIL. I’ve been bad about doing this. I just haven’t been in a movie-watching mood. 😦
12. Submit a query letter for an article
SUCCESS! I submitted a query letter for Relevant magazine. Never heard anything back, but I did submit something.
13. Develop a routine in the morning
FAIL. I have no routine except to get the heck up.
14. Develop a routine before bed at night
FAIL. I have no routine except to fall into bed.
15. (And oh, why not?) Become a mother
SUCCESS! Fertility treatments have helped me to realize this 2013 goal. I’m due in late February 2014. Exciting!
This Fertility Journey Is My Own
Hello all,
It’s been a while since I’ve written about anything on this blog, mainly because I haven’t had much to write about. But after Shady Grove Fertility, which I will henceforth refer to as SGF, highlighted the brief mention I gave them on my end-of-summer update, I decided that I want to write about my TTC (trying to conceive) experience and the incredible role SGF and its staff played in my fertility journey. (I will be using the pronouns “my” and “me,” but please recognize that this fertility journey is really an “us” and “we” experience that includes my spouse.) P.S. This post may be a bit on the long side, so settle in with a nice cup of coffee or tea. Continue reading “This Fertility Journey Is My Own”
End-of-summer update
It’s nearly the end of summer, and I haven’t blogged at all in the past 3 months.
I suppose the big news is that I am 4 months pregnant with our first child thanks to fertility treatments. (I highly recommend Shady Grove Fertility if you live in the mid-Atlantic states.) The first three months were a bit rough going as I was sick on and off, But I’m feeling much better now that I’m in my second trimester.
I submitted queries to agents for my completed novel, Getting Right with God, and was rejected by all of them. How disappointing. And after sending to an editor and having a few established writers review the opening pages of my work, I realize that I still have more work and more revision to do. I’m afraid that the book itself just isn’t marketable, but I’m not willing to self-publish. What a conundrum.
I am working on a novel idea for NaNoWriMo in which a black teenage girl from New York City relocates to the Philadelphia suburbs and attends a posh, primarily white private school. Conflict ensues!
Other than that, I’ve just been working like crazy at the library as a library assistant. I attended two book club meetings this week, which were actually quite enjoyable. We read Beauty Queens by Libba Bray for one and The Hunger Games trilogy (yes, that’s all three books) for another. On my own, I’m reading several books at once:
- Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
- Belle Epoque by Elizabeth Ross
- A History of the World in 100 Objects (for book club in November)
- Don’t Go by Lisa Scottoline (for book club in October)
Quiet is the most intriguing book of all to me. I’m afraid A History of the World… is going to be rather dry reading.
I wish I had more interesting things to say. There are so many topics going on: President Obama’s second term, Syria, the Affordable Care Act, Egypt, Russia… but alas, I have no brainpower or opinions of my own on any of these things, So enjoy this brief update.
2013 Mid-Year Goals Check In
1. Schedule a blog post for each month
SUCCESS! I’ve had a blog post each month so far.
2. Go to the gym once a week
FAIL. I haven’t been to the gym in 2 months. My hope is to go on Sundays.
3. Strength train on Mondays
FAIL. I have not strength trained on Mondays. I don’t know if I will.
4. Read 80 books this year
IN PROGRESS. I doubt I’ll read 80 books this year. I haven’t been in a reading mood lately except for book club books.
5. Craft a new novel from an original idea (not something that I’ve recycled)
FAIL. I was supposed to write the Alpha League of Parapsychology, but I don’t think that’s going to work out.
6. Write a new novel from start to finish in 30 days
IN PROGRESS. November is usually my month to complete a novel.
7. Write 300 words a day whether it’s a combination of blogging, journaling, article writing, or noveling
FAIL. I haven’t been writing much lately.
8. Attend the Writer’s Digest conference
SUCCESS! I attended the conference, pitched some agents, and had a mighty good time.
9. Submit query letters to literary agents
SUCCESS! I’ve gotten nothing but rejections, but I’ve submitted query letters.
10. Complete synopsis of Getting Right with God
SUCCESS! In fact, I received a synopsis from an editor that’s even better than the one I wrote.
11. Watch a movie on Saturday evenings with Jason
FAIL. I’ve been bad about doing this. Need to get back on track.
12. Submit a query letter for an article
SUCCESS! I submitted a query letter for Relevant magazine. Never heard anything back, but I did submit something.
13. Develop a routine in the morning
FAIL. I have no routine except to get the heck up.
14. Develop a routine before bed at night
FAIL. I have no routine except to fall into bed exhausted.
15. (And oh, why not?) Become a mother
IN PROGRESS. I’m undergoing fertility treatments to help me achieve this goal. It’s exciting!
This Infertility Journey Is My Own
I haven’t blogged regularly for quite some time, mostly because I’ve had nothing to say. I still don’t have much of anything to say, although this post will disprove that.
Book Review: His Majesty’s Hope
Disclaimer: I received an advance reader copy from Random House.
Suspenseful and riveting, His Majesty’s Hope by Susan Elia MacNeal is the best installment in the Maggie Hope series yet.
Without giving away spoilers, Maggie’s next mission plunges her into the heart of Germany—Berlin—during the height of World War II. Maggie has a few secrets under her belt that she must keep to herself (other than the fact that she’s a British spy).
The stakes are high and the action takes off from the get-go. The book can be read as a standalone for newcomers to the series, but I see the thrilling novel as a reward for fans and longtime readers of the series to see a side of their heroine that they’ve never seen before. Readers of mystery, thriller, and suspense will enjoy the edge-of-your-seat ride that His Majesty’s Hope provides.
Steps Accomplished: Query Letter and Pitch
If you’ve been following this blog for some time, you might know that I’ve been working on a book that I’m trying to get published. Well, last week I sent out my first query letter to an agent. I probably won’t hear anything back from her considering it was my first query letter, and I have a long way to go toward refining it, but it was a step forward in doing something that I’ve been needing—and afraid to do—for quite some time.
I’ll be going to the Writer’s Digest conference this weekend and live pitching my book to agents. Here’s the pitch that I plan on giving them (I’m currently working on memorizing it):
Three years after her brother’s tragic death in a car accident, 16-year-old Brooklyn native Marisela feels all alone and wishes she were dead too. She is fresh off her latest suicide attempt when she meets Pastor Edwards, a smooth-talking Baptist preacher, who welcomes the Roman Catholic teen to his church family.
Marisela finally has a renewed purpose for living and begins making friends until the married youth pastor makes a sexual advance on her. When vicious rumors spread around the church about Marisela, she—already prone to low self-esteem—despairs and finds her thoughts slipping back to suicide.
Will Marisela lose the friends, and the life, that she’s worked so hard to gain?
It’s also the pitch that I plan on using in my query letters as I try to obtain an agent.
Basically, the way traditional publishing works is that as an author, I have to obtain an agent before I can try to sell my book to a publisher. (Well, I could try to sell my book to a publisher, but I’d have to get a lawyer well versed in publishing contracts to navigate that murky world for me. Agents do that for a cut of whatever I earn.) The agent then tries to sell the book to a publisher, and once the book is accepted, goes through revisions before getting published. Depending on what a publisher would pay me, agents would get a 15-20 percent cut of whatever I get.
I could self-publish but that’s not the route that I seek as I don’t have a large platform and would have to do the marketing all on my own. Traditional publishers like authors to already have their own platform, but publishers help with the marketing aspect if the author is not already established. It’s a long slog, and a tough one too, but I suppose I’m tougher than I consider myself to be. I can handle this.
If I could have my choice, I’d rather have acceptance rather than rejection from the first agent I’ve queried. But I’d rather get a rejection response than nothing at all.
This Journey Is My Own 