Author: K

Warrior Mom Conference Craziness! (Part II)

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I wondered how I could support and give back to an organization that was helping me to put ME back together. An event called Climb Out of the Darkness was coming up on the Summer Solstice. I made a connection with one of the women on the PP committee, a woman of color, A’Driane Nieves. She was helping me get oriented with a lot of the things surrounding PP.

I wanted to attend a local Climb in Valley Forge, PA, but couldn’t seem to get in touch with the organizer of the event. This greatly troubled me as I thought she was purposely dodging me. I had raised funds specifically through HER climb and now she wasn’t contacting me even though I had contacted her a few times.

I attended the Climb in Philadelphia, upset. Although it was a good event, I had wanted to attend my local event. I let A’Driane (also known addye) know about my frustration and addye got in touch with Christy, the organizer of the event. Christy called me personally to apologize. I don’t even remember what happened that she never received my emails and spent about 20 minutes on the phone with me, making sure that I was OK. Obviously, Christy was not a bitch to purposely dodge emails then turn around and willingly spend 20 minutes on the phone, making sure that I’m in a decent state of mind.

Later that year, the PP community was all abuzz with chatter of the first annual Warrior Mom Conference taking place in Boston in July! I was thrilled. Not only would I get the chance to go to Fenway for my 10th anniversary but to meet up with this community of women IN PERSON? How awesome would that be?

***

Then January 2015 came. An episode of Grey’s Anatomy focused on a mom who seemed to deliberately injure her children, further stigmatizing postpartum mood disorders. Shonda Rhimes, a black woman, is the creator of Grey’s Anatomy.

The resulting hashtag to protest this episode? #ShameOnShonda

And folx, it was NOT good.

Per SheKnows.com, Katherine posted a call to action after the episode aired on her Facebook page:

PLEASE JOIN ME TODAY in letting Shonda Rhimes, producer of Grey’s Anatomy, know that we don’t accept this kind of stigmatizing of mothers with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. Please tweet the following:

.@shondarhimes We stand against stigmatizing mothers with maternal mental illness. It’s NOT OK. #ShameOnShonda

While a lot of moms participated in reposting and retweeting the message, the hashtag didn’t go over so well in the black community.

Once Katherine recognized her error, she retracted her hashtag…

Addye was on the Postpartum Progress team at the time, and (from what I could see) because of the backlash that resulted with the hashtag, stepped away from the organization. When she parted ways with PP, a good number of women of color followed her as well.

As I mentioned previously, this was in January 2015, my son was not even a year old, and I was still in the throes of PPD/OCD. I thought it was all stupidity to step away from PP because of a stupid hashtag. (Besides, I didn’t even know who Shonda was or why she should be shamed!) I just thought it sucked that a woman of color left the the Postpartum Progress team.

But I was undeterred! These were a fine group of women! I got my ticket! Connected with Jennifer, my #PPDChat girl Lauren, and Susan (the Warrior Mom Conference [WMC] coordinator), and I was “red” to go! I was added to the WMC 2015 Attendees Facebook group and geeked out with excitement to meet tons of other women.

I hate to say that my shyness got the better of me at the first conference in July, but it really did. I spent some time sobbing in the “crying room” next to my husband with Susan ready to offer a helping hand. I was partially suicidal when a kind woman named Sara told me that she attended the conference in her sister’s honor who had died as a victim of a postpartum mood disorder. Sara’s sister’s story really resonated with me and gave me the strength to continue with the rest of the conference.

I listened to Divya Kumar give a talk on how to provide mental health assistance to underserved communities, which I thought was FABULOUS. Given what happened with addye at the beginning of the year, I was thrilled to see a woman of color given a speaking slot at the conference! I really didn’t get a chance to talk to her and tell her how much I appreciated her talk, but in a sea of white women, even seeing a NON-BLACK person was so nice! Just reminded me of the diversity within the postpartum community.

As soon as the 2015 Warrior Mom Conference ended, all attendees agreed that we definitely needed another one. This was a MUST. Like an addiction that needed to satiated. We were addicted to our little Warrior Mom community and the joy that it brought us. The sisterhood that we shared. That fact that we “got” each other, from all walks of life.

So we pestered poor Susan as soon as the conference ended. The poor woman barely had the chance to inhale before we bombarded her with questions: When’s the next one? Where will it be? When are the dates? When will tickets go on sale? When will the hotel block be available? When can I book my flight?

A new team arose after the 2015 conference. Or maybe they’d been there since before Climb Out of the Darkness. I hadn’t been paying attention. Either way, they soon became front and center for me as soon as the postpartum haze began to clear in October 2015. I knew Katherine. I knew Susan. But I was learning about Jasmine who was in charge of all the Climbs. And then there was Graeme, who was building the Warrior Mom community.

There were other women on the Postpartum Progress team who I knew of but Jasmine and Graeme were women of color! Katherine was making diversity a priority for Postpartum Progress again!

Graeme quickly jumped into action and facilitated a lot of the community interaction in the Warrior Mom Alumni and 2016 Warrior Mom Conference Facebook groups. She streamed Facebook Live videos, she actively recruited ideas and suggestions from members in the group, and when there was an issue, she was usually the first resource you’d think of turning to in order to get pointed in the right direction.

The 2016 WMC stands out in my mind because that is where I made the best of my connections. When I was troubled, women who barely knew me saw the grief and pain all over my face and set me aside to talk about it. I met Graeme who is just as enthusiastic and fun as she appears on her Facebook Live videos. (She says she’s an introvert. I don’t know about that…) I met Jasmine. I hugged Katherine. I hugged Candace. I talked to Chelsea. I re-met Christina. Raivon and I reconnected. I took a picture with Tara. I confused Jessica for Chelsea. I was Lara’s roommate for about 12 hours. I went for a run/walk with Kristen and Nicole. Mariah. Julie. Heidi. Stephanie. Yuz. (Rhymes with Buzz.) Allllll the names. Each one memorable. And they are endless.

And Katherine, founder and CEO of Postpartum Progress, talked about how we were a community. That she was not Postpartum Progress; that we were—us Warrior Moms. And yes, we felt that sisterhood. That bond when she said it. Yes, Katherine, WE ARE POSTPARTUM PROGRESS.

But then there was a breakdown. (At least on my end anyway.) I was stuck behind some column where I was seated at the banquet and I learned something about somebody making a quilt and giving it to somebody and it being something really meaningful and somebody crying and it was very special and all that jazz.

To be honest, I couldn’t care less. Food hadn’t been served yet, and I was hungry as a lion who had just come out of the desert into grassland. Yay, get your quilt so I can get my food.

Only a few weeks ago did I learn that the beautiful quilt was handmade for Katherine Stone.

Back during the banquet, I was thinking that some poor soul had gone through a difficult time and everyone was sniffling and crying because someone had gone through a really hard time and and now they had this quilt handmade by a Warrior Mom to show this other Warrior Mom love and affection, representative of the entire community. I couldn’t see the Warrior Mom. I didn’t KNOW the Warrior Mom. I didn’t really CARE who the Warrior Mom was. I just thought the gesture was nice.

But to be honest, when I learned it was Katherine Stone, it kind of all changed a bit. Not because of Katherine Stone herself.

I reflected on how the emphasis was put on the Warrior Mom community during the 2016 conference but then during the banquet, we turned it into an opportunity to worship the founder and CEO of Postpartum Progress. That’s not Katherine’s fault. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t honor and recognize Katherine’s accomplishments within the organization but do we need to do that for EVERY SINGLE CONFERENCE? A common complaint that I was aware of going into the 2017 conference was that we needed to make it less Katherine centered. Katherine has done a LOT for PP—I will never, ever deny her amazing, hard work. But we have also got to recognize that she is a person. With flaws. And she is part of this Warrior Mom community. Just like us. And she needs to be held up and supported. Just like we support each other. She is not above us or below us. She is a member, the only difference is that she had the title “founder and CEO.”

Since it’s all moot now, I’ll just say that I was part of the planning committee for the 2017 WMC. I was so excited after leaving the 2016 conference that I really wanted to make a difference in the lives of other moms struggling with postpartum disorders. I immediately signed up to be a Warrior Mom Ambassador. I had ideas and suggestions out the wazoo for Susan and Candace for 2017. I signed up to be part of the Steering Committee for the 2017 WMC along with other women who wanted to be part of the planning too. We were privy to dates, potential cities, and suggesting speakers and ideas and topics for keynotes or breakout sessions. I even suggested a karaoke or bowling night for the first night together. (Come on, people, we’ve got to do something that’s not centered around wine all night.)

I was an instigator, totally drumming up excitement leading up to the days of tickets going on sale for the 2017 conference. I couldn’t wait! As Nicole said, “We were going to be with our tribe again!”

Read Part III here.

My Introduction to Postpartum Progress (Part I)

~ K ~ Leave a comment

My first introduction to Postpartum Progress (PP) was back in 2008, where I blogged at depression introspection about all things mental health. I certainly do not have the time nor the interest to devote that kind of attention to the blog again, but through my blogging over there is when I first discovered PP.

Even though Katherine Stone had been blogging about postpartum mood disorders (PMADs) since 2004, I felt as though she were almost a competitor. (I mean, really, what the hell was I thinking—she was in a niche subject and WAY out of my league.) She had tons of followers, tons of commenters, and I wanted alllllllll of that and a bag of chips. (Note: I started to get that, got a massive panic attack, and abandoned my blog ASAP. I couldn’t handle my blog blowing up. It was too much pressure.)

But regardless, I acknowledged PP as a valuable resource. I linked to it many times and included it on my blogroll as a mental health resource.

I followed Katherine as she advocated for The MOTHERS Act. I followed Katherine after Gwyneth Paltrow admitted to having difficulties after the birth of her son, Moses. And I even passed along the Postpartum Dads Project that Katherine recommended as a resource.

(FYI: We were all on the Typepad platform because Typepad was ALL the rage in the late 2000s, see Katherine’s updated links:
Time Magazine Skips Facts on Postpartum Depression
Gwyneth Paltrow Suffered PPD
PPD News as the New Year Begins…)

I stopped blogging regularly on the site in May of 2010 as I began to struggle with infertility. I never thought I’d be part of the exclusive sisterhood called “motherhood.” And it was painful for me to even think about advocating for mothers at a time when I needed to advocate for myself and others who so desperately wanted to become mothers.

On Twitter, however, somehow I ended up following Lauren, the founder of #PPDChat. Long before I ever knew I’d have children, I saw Lauren reaching out to moms dealing with PMADs. I thought it was cool, but to be honest, I never really gave it much of a second thought beyond on that. I never thought I’d need it for myself.

After I finally had my son in February 2014, I “listened in” on #PPDChat on Monday nights and really began to identify with the topics, questions, and answers. I began to jump in. I guess my answers were concerning. Lauren encouraged me to reach out for help. She directed me to Postpartum Progress.

Postpartum Progress. Ah, that site. Between 2009 and 2014, it had totally slipped my memory.

Katherine Stone personally reached out to me to make sure I was OK. Several times. Susan, affiliated with PP, also reached out to me to make sure I was OK. Several times.

I began receiving care at the Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, PA. They assured me that the counselors and therapists there would take good care of me.

And so began my journey with Postpartum Progress. This organization that had reached out to me—personally—once I’d reached out to them.

Read Part II here.

Seek justice and correct oppression

~ K ~ 1 Comment

I have a lot of anger and frustration right now. My country, its citizens, people I work with…injustice all around. 

I’m not sure where to begin. I don’t process any of these thoughts and feelings on Facebook as I don’t feel that is the appropriate venue for them. 

I am not your typical black, female, liberal Democrat. I didn’t like President Obama and Michelle Obama wasn’t the greatest First Lady to have ever existed in my lifetime. (Hillary Clinton still takes the cake, in my opinion.) 

I am not pro-choice/pro-abortion. “Family planning” is a misleading term as abortion or “the woman’s right to choose” usually involves the LACK of having a family. “Reproductive rights” is a misnomer. More like rights to NOT reproduce. Everything about being “pro-choice” is “anti-reproduction.” 

The women’s march pissed me off considering that the official organizers had to put out a statement uninviting a pro-life organization and taking an official Pro-choice stance. This march no longer represented me or my voice. They claimed to but they did not. I had no say against Donald Trump and his administration and it was clear that because I believed in the sanctity of life on this ONE ISSUE, I would be shunned from this community of women. 

And I don’t care to be part of this kind of political fellowship. If they don’t care to look past my political differences and embrace me, then fine, I’ll continue to move forward and work without them by my side. 

Let’s keep lowering the abortion rate. With or without having Roe v. Wade overturned. Let’s make sure that we make sure women know about ALL available options to prevent pregnancies: birth control AND self-control. If pregnant, expecting moms should know that infertile couples are willing to sponsor women who want to give their babies up for adoption. Abortion doesn’t have to be the last resort or ONLY option for many women. In a majority of cases, we CAN choose life. Let’s continue to make life a first option and do all we can to ENCOURAGE it and not discourage it. 

I can’t express my opinion about this administration because I’m not supposed to like it, right? And on the whole, so far, it isn’t great. But an executive order has been reinstated that ceases to give NGOs that perform abortions federal funding. And I’m happy about that. +1, President Trump. #conservativeliberal

I could list all the stuff Obama did that I’m unhappy about, especially as a lame duck (*cough*Palestinian money*Israel betrayal*drones*ending Cuban wet-foot/dry-foot policy*cough*). Lord knows there’s plenty of fodder for me to complain about Obama’s actions as president. I won’t even begin to question his motives. 

I don’t expect Trump to be a good president. In fact, I’m afraid he will suck majorly. Even worse, I’m afraid he’ll do well enough for Middle America to win another 4 years but that the popular vote will not outweigh his electoral vote…again.

Trump’s opponents annoy me more than Trump himself. They were my biggest fear when I thought of the potential of a Hillary loss (which seemed so unlikely) and now it’s a nightmare realized. 

Someone get me out of here. 

I wish everyone got what they rightly deserved, especially when they worked hard for it. I hate to see people promised something and then get delayed, brushed aside, jerked around, and then left in the dust wondering what they did wrong and what they could’ve done better. Why do we play favorites? Why do we treat some people better than others? We know who works hard and who doesn’t. Why do the lazy get rewarded and the hardest toilers get stranded in the dust?

Being blackballed is a thing, it seems. And it makes me sad. I hope that redemption is still possible. One day…?

I know I’m speaking in vague generalities but I suppose I have to right now so specifics aren’t brought out. Also, I’m sort of “typing aloud,” letting my thoughts flow freely onto digital paper, so to speak. 

Just really tired of injustice and oppression everywhere I turn. Sure, it’s not affecting ME personally but it’s affecting others I love and care about. This bothers me. And if I don’t stand up and say something for them, who will? Aren’t I in a position where I can do good for others and help those who need it? 

“Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.” —Isaiah 1:17 (ESV)

2017 Goals

~ K ~ Leave a comment

2017-image

Happy New Year, everyone!

Time for my annual goals list. I don’t have many this year so let’s see if I can hit my targets.

  1. Keep a full-time job for all of 2017.
  2. Keep my working hours limited to 40–45 hours a week (with rare exceptions).
  3. Visit my cousin in Florida.
  4. Follow my Practical Self-Care Plans for 2017.
  5. Use my frozen embryo later this year.
  6. Attend the Warrior Mom Conference again if it’s affordable and doable

A lot of these goals involve being kinder to myself. My husband and I have discussed that I expect myself to be able to accomplish things at the same rate as when I was a freelancer, which apparently is NOT going to happen. I can’t handle all the administrative tasks like I used to. I can’t organize my home like I used to. I don’t feel as productive as I used to.

So I’m getting rid of all of that in 2017. 2017 is all about ME. (Very strange to do that.) 1 & 2 is about how I enjoy working. 3 is about visiting my family who I rarely get to see. 4 is about making myself a priority. 5 is about pursuing a goal to (Lord willing) complete my family, and 6 is about making more connections with a supportive community of women.

It’s going to be a year full of learning curves (ugh, I’m going into management—we’ll see how that works out), but hopefully this is also a year of finally trusting the Lord to guide me step by step.

2016 End-of-Year Goals Check In

~ K ~ Leave a comment

2016

Green indicates easiest, yellow indicates moderate difficulty, red indicates great difficulty.

1. Journal or blog at least once a month.
FAIL. I’ve been horrible at regular blogging. I’m dry. I have nothing to say and nothing to write.

2. Exercise for 20 minutes 3 times a week (Join Anytime Fitness.)
IN PROGRESS. I joined Anytime Fitness at the end of January, but I haven’t been exercising for 20 minutes let alone 3 times a week.
REVISED GOAL: Exercise for 30 minutes 1 time a week.
SUCCESS! With a few rare exceptions, I try to make time at least once a week to exercise for 30 minutes. I’ve lost and kept off 20 lb so far.

3. Read a book I enjoy from start to finish before the end of the year.
SUCCESS! I read Grandma Gatewood’s Walk about a 69-year-old woman who walked the length of the Appalachian Trail. I’m not a nature person but it was a very good read.

4. Pass my editing certification test in June.
SUCCESS! I passed my test in June and am now ELS (Editor in the Life Sciences) certified.

5. Attend the Warrior Mom Conference in Atlanta in October.
SUCCESS! I went and had a wonderful time! I made new connections and new friends. It really was amazing.

6. Keep my full-time job for all of 2016.
IN PROGRESS. I switched jobs on February 29 so I’m not at the same job as in the beginning of the year.
REVISED GOAL: Keep a full-time job for all of 2016.
SUCCESS! I’ve kept a full-time job and I’ve even gotten a promotion that begins in 2017!

7. Pray for my boss regularly.
FAIL. The point of this goal was to pray for my difficult boss earlier this year. I can still pray for my current boss, but it’s much easier to pray for someone who’s nice than someone who treats you like dirt. I didn’t pray for my difficult boss and am still wrestling with forgiving her in my heart.
REVISED GOAL: Forgive my former boss.
IN PROGRESS. This isn’t easy. She got fired from her position a few months ago. While part of me thinks she deserved it, the other part of me is sad that she hasn’t learned her lesson. I’m working on it.

8. Engage in self-care daily.
FAIL. I really suck at this.

9. Remain healthy from August 2016–December 2016 (Be proactive and work with my psychiatrist.)
SUCCESS! My psychiatrist and I found a combination of meds that worked really well and kept me from sliding into a usual pattern of depression for the latter half of the year. I praise God for this. Really.

10. Change my full name to my married name on everything.
IN PROGRESS. This is more difficult than I thought it’d be. I’m upgrading this to a high level of difficulty.
REVISED GOAL:  Change my full name to my married name on everything.
SUCCESS! Done! It was difficult and I shelled out a ton of money, but it’s all done. Whew. 

2016 Mid-year Goals Check-in

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Green indicates easiest, yellow indicates moderate difficulty, red indicates great difficulty.

1. Journal or blog at least once a month.
IN PROGRESS. I missed April but so far so good.

2. Exercise for 20 minutes 3 times a week (Join Anytime Fitness.)
IN PROGRESS. I joined Anytime Fitness at the end of January, but I haven’t been exercising for 20 minutes let alone 3 times a week.
REVISED GOAL: Exercise for 30 minutes 1 time a week.

3. Read a book I enjoy from start to finish before the end of the year.
SUCCESS! I read Grandma Gatewood’s Walk about a 69-year-old woman who walked the length of the Appalachian Trail. I’m not a nature person but it was a very good read.

4. Pass my editing certification test in June.
IN PROGRESS. My test is on June 10th. I am studying and feel more prepared for the test than I did before. I failed by 30 points before and I think I can eke out a pass this time.

5. Attend the Warrior Mom Conference in Atlanta in October.
IN PROGRESS. I have booked my flight, car rental, and hotel for the conference. I also have the week off. Woohoo!

6. Keep my full-time job for all of 2016.
IN PROGRESS. I switched jobs on February 29 so I’m not at the same job as in the beginning of the year.
REVISED GOAL: Keep a full-time job for all of 2016.

7. Pray for my boss regularly.
FAIL. The point of this goal was to pray for my difficult boss earlier this year. I can still pray for my current boss, but it’s much easier to pray for someone who’s nice than someone who treats you like dirt. I didn’t pray for my difficult boss and am still wrestling with forgiving her in my heart.
REVISED GOAL: Forgive my former boss.

8. Engage in self-care daily.
IN PROGRESS. I’m not good at managing self-care each day. I am working on it.

9. Remain healthy from August 2016–December 2016 (Be proactive and work with my psychiatrist.)
IN PROGRESS. Not the latter half of the year yet. I’m still struggling with depression and it’s June. We’ll see how the remainder of the year goes.

10. Change my full name to my married name on everything.
IN PROGRESS. This is more difficult than I thought it’d be. I’m upgrading this to a high level of difficulty.
REVISED GOAL:  Change my full name to my married name on everything.

PPD: Women who overcome infertility are not immune

~ K ~ Leave a comment

sad_mother

Most people don’t think of postpartum mood issues (in short, PPD) in relation to infertility. I sure didn’t.

I’ve written numerous times (here, here, and here) over the years about my struggle with infertility. It was a struggle of 4+ years and I dreamed that once I had my child, all would be right with the world. The dream I had desired for so long would come true and I would get to hold my baby in my arms and love him immediately.

Because I have struggled with bipolar disorder and anxiety issues in the past, I was a prime candidate for suffering from PPD. But I tried to remain optimistic. A baby is what I had long wanted. I would get it; PPD be damned.

Often, you hear the stories about how women overcome infertility and their dream of having a child comes true. And it’s the best thing ever. They instantly fall in love with the baby of their dreams and everything seems wonderful except for that darned newborn period when you don’t get sleep. (But that’s pretty much everybody, right?)

What about the stories of women who struggle with infertility and then get PPD? No one talks about them. We feel guilty because for so long we wanted a child and now that we’ve received one, we don’t feel a bond. We don’t feel a connection. We worry too much about hurting the dream we had so longed for. We lose touch with reality and nearly harm our child or even ourselves. Panic attacks over losing our baby or taking care of our baby are a daily occurrence. Or we simply cannot get out of bed, too depressed to care for this human being who is completely and totally dependent on us.

Then there’s the added guilt of knowing that there are mothers—tons of other mothers—who are silently suffering the loss of what could be. Many mothers grieving month after month over not having a child. And here we are, finally over that hurdle. And we feel horrible. We don’t want this child. We don’t care for it. Take it away. I don’t want to see it. I’m a bad mother; I can’t care for this kid. But there are so many women who want a baby just like I have one. I have to love this kid—for them.

But those who suffer from PPD after infertility should know they are not alone. The internal pressure we give ourselves to be happy during (what should be) a joyous occasion can often be a tight cord around our neck. It’s OK to admit that after your years-long struggle that you’re not exactly overjoyed to be holding that “bundle of joy” in your arms. What’s NOT OK is pretending that everything is fine and trying to suck it up. This isn’t the time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. This is the time to seek help. And there is no shame in admitting that you’re feeling sad, anxious, or worried about your mental health.

Reading this and don’t know where to turn? Here are a few resources:

  • Postpartum Progress – Katherine Stone runs this advocacy organization to help raise awareness about postpartum issues among mothers, clinicians, and the general population. You can also discover great information via the Postpartum Progress blog.
  • Postpartum Support International – Another organization that helps guide women through the changes surrounding them during the postpartum period. It offers resources, such as a toll-free hotline specifically catering to those with postpartum mental health needs.
  • Postpartum Stress Center – This center provides professional support to women suffering from postpartum mood issues. It’s worth noting that PPD tends to be a catch-all abbreviation for conditions such as depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar disorder, and psychosis, to name a few. The Stress Center tends to serve residents in the eastern PA area but will help those outside of the region find a local resource.

Remember, PPD can affect anyone, infertile or not. Don’t be afraid to seek help as soon as you recognize that something isn’t right. The sooner you get help (even if you think it’s just the baby blues), chances are, you’ll recover more quickly. Get your life back. Get help today.

Ennui

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I have nothing of significance to write so this will be a rambling sort of post. If rambling posts are not for you, I suggest you stop reading now. If they are, well then, feel free to keep reading.

Politics.

You HAD to know you wouldn’t get through this post without SOME kind of political commentary, right?

Trump. All I want to know is who are the people who voted for the now-presumptive nominee of the Republican Party. Don’t blame Trump for being a douche without blaming the people who voted for him. Just saying.

North Carolina bathroom bill. I don’t like it.

LGBTQIABBQROTFLOL. Seriously, I can’t keep track of all the terminology. You got me at LGBT. I think Q is redundant but OK whatever. Now they’re adding IA? What is this? And then what are these terms being thrown around? Cis? Binary? Nonbinary? Genderqueer? Gender fluid? And there are some others that I have no idea about because…I’m old and not keeping up with the millennial lingo. I am not anti-LGBTQ but that community is starting to speak a language that I don’t understand.

Pop culture.

Beyoncé. Beyonce’s latest album “Lemonade” is being heralded as the greatest album of the year. I listened to a couple of songs and it sounds like junk to me. It’s like Beyoncé wondered, “What shit can I get my fans to buy?” and came up with “Lemonade.” Maybe it’s more futuristic than I can comprehend (I have been known to revisit albums 5 years later and appreciate them once the dust has cleared) but right now it sounds like a bunch of Mumbo Jumbo to me. And it saddens me that black women identify with the narrative of being treated poorly and being cheated on. It really saddens me that she can speak to that and so many women identify.

Jenners and Kardashians. Mentions of this family chip away at my intelligence slowly. Kind of like archaeology. Except you’ll find nothing left of my brain once it all chipped away.

Personal.

I’m kinda blank here. I have things to write about but I’m still processing a lot of it and will probably write about it when I’m in a better place to reflect and evaluate. Right now, I’m going through the thick of it and just not ready to share what’s going on. Not yet.

Existential crisis…or just another Saturday

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Black people. Me. Beyonce. I suck. She doesn’t.

Editing. I’m an editor. I don’t do anything else. I pretty much suck at everything else.

Hobbies. I read and write. Yeah. That’s it. Oh, and surf the Internet. Yup, those are my hobbies.

 

Forgiveness: agita, anxiety, and alienation

~ K ~ 2 Comments

At my Christian counseling session recently, I was challenged to forgive my former boss for the wrongs she had done against me. While I’m not super bitter about it or angry at her, somehow extending forgiveness to my former boss seemed like a challenge.

It still is.

Last night, I prayed and meditated on trying to forgive her. I tossed and turned the idea over and over until I fell asleep, unable to extend forgiveness.

True forgiveness is not necessarily about me telling her that I absolve her of the wrongs she committed against me but rather that I let it go in my heart, mind, and soul.

Of all people, Jillian Michaels wrote about forgiveness in her book, Unlimited: How to Build an Exceptional Life.

“Here’s the thing, though: forgiving the a*****e isn’t for their well-being, it’s for yours. If you can’t forgive the things that have been done to you…then you won’t be able to move on with your life. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Nor does it have to mean letting the person back into your life to hurt you again. It simply means healing the hurt that’s been done to you and continuing to pursue a prosperous, meaning-filled life.”

Michaels goes on and, I think, imparts some wisdom:

“[Forgiveness] will enable you to stop taking on other people’s issues and stop allowing their shortcomings to define who you are. You will understand that what happened to you wasn’t because of your limitations but because of the other person’s. For this reason, forgiveness comes when you are truly able to gain understanding and empathy for the person who hurt you.”

Forgiveness has physical, mental, and spiritual benefits. Holding on to a grudge can cause a host of ailments, including (what I like to call) agita, ulcers, and high blood pressure, to name a few. Not letting go of a wrong can cause anxiety, depression, and obsessive thoughts. And spiritually, it can alienate you from God or, perhaps, whomever or whatever you call a higher force. Being consumed with anger and bitterness can also get in the way of relationships with other people. There’s a fear that someone will treat you similarly.

I was in the fortunate position of knowing that I wasn’t the only one my former boss mistreated. Time after time, God showed me that I was well liked among my former coworkers. This gave me the confidence to move on to my next job without pretending to be someone I was not.

I’m trying to extend forgiveness. Trying to put myself in her shoes. Trying to accept the fact that she feels she’s done nothing wrong but is who she is. I am who I am. And I am a person who will extend forgiveness to her.

Right now is just not that time.

 

Learning Experience — Part VI

~ K ~ 1 Comment

This is Part VI, the final part of a 6-part series of posts. To start from the beginning, click one of the following links:

An opportunity for another job presented itself shortly after our conflict. I had already had one foot in the door as a former freelancer, and I was eager to get the other foot in, simply to get away from Karina. I took a day off, interviewed, put my best foot forward, and left it in God’s hands. I later learned that the team loved meeting me, I aced my editing test, and that a job offer would be coming soon. I asked for a pay raise but didn’t care if I ended up with the same salary with a city tax that would cut into my wage. I simply wanted to be away from my boss.

I was offered the position on a Friday, accepted the offer over the weekend, and was giddy to hand in my resignation on Monday. My boss said she’d be in meetings all day but I told her I only needed 5 minutes of her time.

When I finally caught her, I closed the door to her office and handed her an envelope with my resignation inside. I said, “I wanted to talk to you to let you know that I am resigning from my position, effective 2 weeks from now.” She looked at the envelope and looked up at me. Then she said, “Thank you.” She opened the envelope and read the letter that said the same thing I had just said out loud. She looked back at me and said, “Thank you for this.” Continue reading “Learning Experience — Part VI” →

Learning Experience — Part V

~ K ~ 5 Comments

This is Part V of a 6-part series of posts. To jump ahead to Part VI, click here. To start from the beginning, click one of the following links:

The next day, she pulled me into her office in a much calmer manner. I had hoped that she would apologize for her overreaction and that we could settle our differences. She never admitted that she was wrong for anything and we went around and around in circles until I finally declared that we were at an impasse and wouldn’t be able to resolve this issue. She agreed and on my way I went.

We both approached Sarah from HR, asking for help to mediate the conflict between us. Our first meeting seemed to be going well. Until Karina dropped a bomb that I had a history of “overstepping my bounds” and “being difficult” before she arrived at the company. I looked at her questioningly. Who had said this? went through my mind but I was keen enough not to ask. But Karina offered a name anyway: Jane. Continue reading “Learning Experience — Part V” →

Learning Experience – Part IV

~ K ~ 5 Comments

This is Part IV of a 6-part series of posts. To jump ahead to Parts V and VI, click here and here, respectively. To start from the beginning, click one of the following links:

I figured that evening would be a night where I would get out around 7:30 or 8:00. Again, shame on me. At 6 pm, a 40-plus slide PowerPoint with text-heavy slides and speaker’s notes was dumped in my lap . The sheer amount of work before me had me estimating a 3-hour job to get the work clean and out to client. Wondering why such a text-heavy job needed to go out the door tonight, I went to my fellow editor and asked if the job had been on her radar. She looked at her list of jobs for the day and said that it was going to the client without editorial review. I asked my boss if this was really necessary to do tonight and she said yes it was. I couldn’t resolve the conflict in my head that the project manager in charge of the job said it was with the client and my boss who said that it needed to be done right away. Having no idea that I was making a major mistake, I asked the account supervisor—the person who would know best—whether the job needed an editor’s eye. To my dismay, he confirmed my boss’s assertion. Satisfied that I had heard the answer from “the horse’s mouth,” I sat down to complete my job thoroughly. Continue reading “Learning Experience – Part IV” →

Learning Experience — Part III

~ K ~ 5 Comments

This is Part III of a 6-part series of posts. Parts I and II can be found here and here, respectively. To jump ahead, click one of the following links:

Karina, to her credit, was incredibly supportive during this time. She texted and emailed me to see how I was doing and said she would support whatever decision was best for me: to bow out of my job and take care of my health or to make a slow return to work. I told her that I wanted to return to my position.

Constrained by limited days and hours set by my psychiatrist, settling back into work was difficult for me. I worked from home for a few weeks, a pain in my rear end in which I grew lonely and missed being around coworkers. Not only that but the agency was not set up adequately to easily work from home. My fellow editor had to run between her desk at the back of the office to the scanner at the front of the office to send me paper-based work all day. Electronic comments were relegated to workers off-site. Track changes in Word docs were something only external clients did; without anyone saying anything out loud, it was frowned upon internally. Employees rarely did it.

From the end of September to the end of January, I took leave and made a slow transition back into a normal workweek. Once I made the transition back into the office, coworkers were extremely glad to see me come back. The comfortable working relationship I had longed for since the beginning of my tenure there was finally realized. I came back to hugs (from the women) and emphatic, friendly hellos (from the guys).

However, I did have one concern about my leave and it was something that I obviously could not control: that my temporary departure would give Karina the upper hand in determining what I could and couldn’t do. She was finally the one in the dominant position now because I was not “up” on what was going on in the agency. I feared she might leverage this against me now that I was in vulnerable position. Continue reading “Learning Experience — Part III” →

Learning Experience — Part II

~ K ~ 6 Comments

This is Part II of a 6-part series of posts. Part I can be found here. To jump ahead, click one of the following links:

I (wrongly) assumed that Karina would come in, sit back for a while and assess the situation of how the department was running, then jump in to fix things that needed fixing. Apparently, to her, everything needed fixing. Immediately. Including my perceived actions of “overstepping my bounds” and “undermining” her authority. Continue reading “Learning Experience — Part II” →