Author: K

Losing my religion

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I’m trying to figure out when the deconstruction of my Christian faith began.

Was it as early as March 2011 when egalitarian seeds began to plant inside of me? Was it as early as April 2011 when I began to question the existence of a literal heaven and hell? (Was Rob Bell ahead of his time?)

What about December 2012 when Rachel Held Evans prompted me to read the Bible through the lens of a modern-day woman? Maybe April 2015 when I ruminated on my dalliance with Catholicism? Or perhaps November 2015 when my church foundation bottomed out and I felt adrift, with nowhere to hold on to?

Or even maybe as recent as October 2019 when I discovered the #exvangelical community on Twitter?

It is now January 2021. And I hold to 3 basic beliefs:

  1. I affirm a living, loving, and everlasting God.
  2. I affirm believe in Jesus Christ as the son of God.
  3. I affirm a belief in the Holy Spirit who serves as my conscience.

Yo. Everything else is now game. What a departure from when I first started this blog in 2009. And even more so, depression introspection in 2006.

Here I am. Standing at a road where I whole-heartedly agree with everything in this post. Don’t mind me while I quote some notables:

My leaving is not leaving God. It is leaving the people who claim to speak for him.

I believe…
1. God is love.
2. To show love is to be godly
3. If God is God he will reveal himself in his own way to anyone who seeks to love and through love know him.
4. Women deserve a seat at every table including the clergy and that separate but equal is not equal at all. Male headship is patriarchy and an unfair burden for both men and women.
5. I reject purity culture, and any form of spirituality that forces an individual to choose between their sexuality and their spirituality. Wholeness and health does not come through cutting off one part of yourself to appease another.
6. I affirm all of my LGBTQ siblings fully and completely and without caveat.
7. I reject all efforts to use faith to gain or preserve influence and power.

I agree with all of this. In an era where people like Josh Harris, of I Kissed Dating Goodbye fame, comes out as no longer Christian, anything can happen.

In which a college guy dates a teenage girl

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Photo by Godisable Jacob on Pexels.com

I’ve decided that for a while I’m going to write about things in my past. For example, when I was 17, I got involved with a 21-year-old college male. We never had a physical sexual relationship but now being a 38-year-old woman realize how odd and strange it was. From a teenager girl’s point of view, it was a dream—to be dating a college guy! Looking back as an adult, I realize how stupid I was. But teenagers don’t realize this. They just want to be grown up and they think the way of growing up is to get involved with an older guy. Especially college guys because college guys are cool.

I didn’t really have any trauma from it. He was a nice, sweet kind man and respected my boundaries. We did do some intimate stuff, probably stuff I shouldn’t have done as a new Christian, but it was exciting to do something different I’d never done before.

I remember his name. His full name. He has a unique Ukranian or Polish name so I’m sure any search results for him would pop up instantly. But I purposely haven’t looked him up. Would he remember the teenager from the 90s? And why of all things should I try to contact a man who thought it would be a good idea to date a teenage girl? I’ll always wonder what happened to him but I choose not to find out.

Decade of Blogging

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June 29, 2019 marked 10 years of having This Journey Is My Own. I still haven’t bought the domain name. I probably should but I’m rather lazy and I don’t have that much readership.

Over a decade, I’ve blogged about God, Christianity, faith, employment (in general), career, infertility, parenting (after infertility), family, goals, books, Haiti, politics, LGBTQ+ issues, my identity, music, current events, race, and other thoughts. Everything is always random. Nothing makes sense. There is no structure to anything. My views are ever-evolving.

How far back can I go to blogging? Well, I have a LiveJournal that dates back to September 2, 2001 but that’s private and I haven’t touched it since 2012. Public blogging? Depression Introspection was begun on July 21, 2006. Technically, I have almost 20 years of blogging under my belt.

So where do I go from here? What topic is left to explore or re-explore? What pisses me off so much that I want to rant about it again? Nothing right now. I’m not passionate about much right now. I just want to survive. That’s all I’m trying to do these days. Is survive. Between work and my personal life (parenting, new house, commute), I’m just trying to survive. Self-care has gone to the wayside. Survival is my new hobby.

Painting Pictures of Egypt

~ K ~ 1 Comment

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

—Sara Groves, “Painting Pictures of Egypt“

I recently moved to a new home. A house. My husband and I are first-time homeowners. I have 2 kids now. A lot has changed. I was in our apartment since I first moved to Pennsylvania in 2006. We moved to our new home in December 2019. 13 years there. 13 whole years. That’s over a decade and time to plant yourself somewhere. Especially for renting.

Now I’m in my new home—house—I miss my apartment. I miss the memories. I miss the familiarity. I miss the convenience. I lived right across the street from the train station, was near a nice library, and around the block from good friends. Everything was in walking distance with access to various restaurants. It was a walkable town. It felt more like the suburbs of Long Island in which I grew up.

Continue reading “Painting Pictures of Egypt” →

2020 Goals

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dreamstime_2020

I haven’t had goals for 2019 mainly because I just have kind of given up on having goals. I’m not sure why. I guess I don’t care about giving my life much direction anymore? Has my ambition gone to the wayside?

In a feeble attempt to revive my blog (at least twice a year) and give myself goals to pursue, I’m coming up with a few goals for 2020. (Time to ring in a new decade!)

  1. Read 6 full books for the year.
  2. Exercise 1x per week for at least 10 minutes.
  3. Meditate 3 days per week.
  4. Eat 1500 calories or fewer 2x per week.
  5. Blog or journal 3 days per week.
  6. Morning devotions (Bible reading & prayer) 1x per week.
  7. Duolingo: 4x per week for at least 15 minutes.
  8. Go to church 4 times this year.
  9. Visit New York 4 times this year.
  10. Self-care once per month.

Still need to flesh this all out a bit more but my goal was to publish this on the first so here I am.

Blog Reboot?

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Thinking of doing a reboot of my blog. So much has changed in my mind and in my heart. My perception on evangelicalism, Planned Parenthood, and change.

In 2019, I’ve had a baby. I’ve moved as an adult from an apartment into my first house. I watched a coworker get let go.

And then there’s 2010-2019. An entire decade. (And really, which is the true decade? 2010-2019 or 2011-2020? Maybe 2010-2020?) In the past 10 years, I have:

  • Had 2 children
  • Had 3 pregnancies
  • Moved to a new home
  • Had several different jobs (2 part-time, 1 self-employed, 2 full time)
  • Underwent fertility treatment three times
  • Been in intensive outpatient twice

I’ve become more stable. My bipolar disorder is under control. My meds work. I have a fantastic therapist. I enjoy my job for the most part.

So for 2020, where do I go? What do I do? What new goals do I set? What is my goal in life? What’s my goal for 2020? What’s my goal for anything at any time?

I’m almost 40. I’ve evolved. I’ve gone from spending most of my life wishing I were someone else to finally appreciating and being thankful for who I am. I like me. I like my life. I like my kids (my son drives me nuts, tho). I like my husband and wouldn’t trade him for anyone else. I like my friends. I like my income. I like my home. I like my job. I like my close family. I feel very fortunate and blessed to have the things I have and enjoy the things I enjoy. This phone. This app. Direct deposit. Steady income. Private health insurance. I could go on.

But I thank God every day for everything He’s given me. I cannot complain. I do, but I shouldn’t. I am blessed financially, socially, emotionally, mentally, professionally, spiritually, and intellectually beyond all measure.

Topics all the things

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On June 25, I said on Twitter that I wanted to write about all the things. Now it’s July 30 and I have no words.

I have all these topics in mind but don’t know where to begin: Race. Police killing blacks. Socioeconomic disparities. The Confederate flag. Free speech. White privilege. White supremacy. Work. Motherhood. Abortion. Racism in the DR. Being an outcast. 2015 being a crap year for me. And more. I’ll break this post up into a few parts so no one’s sitting here reading this blog post for the rest of their lives.

Race.

Rachel Dolezal: Two words that at one point amused me. While many black people were outraged at her blatant cultural appropriation, I was merely amused that she so desperately tried to pass herself off as black. Although, when faced with allegations that she was actually white, she stumbled over a response.

Dolezal’s identification as black resonated with me. In the end, she became a joke thanks to Maya Rudolph’s impersonation on Late Night with Seth Meyers. But for me, she represented identifying with a race that you don’t belong to.

I have written extensively about my experience with race on this blog.

 

The Evolution of My Christian Beliefs

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It’s not hard to put into words what I’m thinking and feeling—verbally. Writing it down is another story.

A lot of what I believed previously has changed and evolved. I no longer buy into the fundamentalist teachings of yore. I also don’t buy much evangelical teaching either. Apparently, there’s a group of #exvangelicals on Twitter. These are former evangelicals who no longer associate themselves with fundamental Christianity. Maybe some of them are still Christians, of which I am one. But others have become atheists, agnostics, or have decided to pursue a different religion altogether (eg, Buddhism). A friend who has become an agnostic exvangelical sent me a helpful link that defines who falls into exvangelicalism.

I’m a weird mix of Calvinism and progressive Christian beliefs. How do you merge Calvinism with progressive Christian beliefs? I actually don’t know. But I do it.

Continue reading “The Evolution of My Christian Beliefs” →

2018 Goals

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I haven’t written in a long time and I don’t have much to say. So…goals.

  1. Use frozen embryo in February.
  2. Attend ACES conference in April.
  3. Exercise 4 days a week. (I’ve been doing this since October so I hope it’ll continue.)

Honestly, I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I just want to get by.

Bye bye, 2017

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Revised goals from earlier this year:

  • Keep a full-time job for all of 2017. Accomplished.
  • Keep my working hours limited to 40–45 hours a week (with rare exceptions). Accomplished.
  • Visit my cousin in Florida. Accomplished.
  • Follow my Practical Self-Care Plans for 2017. Not quite.

What’s the female version of an Uncle Tom?

~ K ~ 10 Comments

img_1542This is it. I am turning the corner and shedding my attempts at being welcomed and accepted by the black community. This journey is my own. I will go my own way.

35 years and I am finally here. I will still have my moments of regression but I have since learned that several members of the black community have turned their backs on me after learning that I am pro-life and do not support Planned Parenthood. If this is what isolates me from the black community, so be it. I will fight for the right for developing cells/human beings/fetuses/babies to live.

It doesn’t matter that we probably agree on everything else. No war. No death penalty. No injustice. Social justice for racial minorities. Undocumented immigrants. LGBTQIA+ community. Trump is a lunatic.

I’m tired of hearing tirades against white people. I’m so over it. Stop ranting against white people, band together, and DO something other than protest.

I’m tired of blaming whitey for everything. Did whitey do their fair share of oppressing black people back in the day? Yes. But it’s  significantly better for black people to advance in 2017 than in 1967. The white people who oppressed black people aren’t the ones in power anymore. A new generation arose that rebelled against the segregation of their parents. Did anyone give any thought to those white people who thought segregation was wrong and unjust? (Just like the white people who thought slavery was wrong and unjust during the Civil War era?)

And then there’s the issue of reparations for black people. No, thank you. White people can keep their money and their land. See how well reparations worked out for Native Americans? Government-protected reservations with high crime rate, high gambling problems, high suicide rate, high drug use, and high alcohol use. Nope. No support for reparations from this here colored girl.

I’m a black American princess. I went to a Catholic school K-12. Started at NYU with $18K in grants and scholarships and graduated from Hofstra on LI with departmental honors. I interned for a high-profile NY senator for a semester. I was a successful, established sole proprietor for several years after a full-time stint as an entry-level editorial assistant didn’t work out.

All along the way, the people who reached out to me and helped me along to get me to the next level were…guess who?

White people.

In grade school, other black students made fun of me and cut me down as I tried to assert myself as a young, smart girl.

In middle school, the black kids (and “wiggas”) would shut me out of their core group while white people interested in their education would interact with me and eventually become lifelong friends.

In high school, perhaps the roughest period of my schooling, I attempted desperately to fit in with my black peers only to get made fun of or used for my intelligence for the next quiz or test. The only students who were willing to offer friendship without strings attached were white people.

Even the one black boyfriend I dated (in an effort to gain credibility with the black community) dumped me after he made an attempt to have sex with me and I kept to my vow of purity.

So the long and short of it is, black people and I just don’t get along. It’s taken me 35 years to realize this but better now than later. I will never have a black BFF. And I need to be OK with that. Because I have so many wonderful friends—of all other races, though mostly white—who I can rely on.

This is an issue that’s on my mind so I’ll probably be blogging about it for a bit. But I needed to get it out that white people are not my enemy. They literally are my friends.

Black woman in America (my experience)

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What does it mean for me to be a black woman in America? Honestly, even though I have dark skin, I have no idea. I’m trying to figure it out and find my way around. Intersectional feminism and racism is what “they” tell me is true and what I’m being told is true. Is my personal experience true or is it a lie, or am I naive to the things of this world that are steeped in white supremacy and systemic racism? Am I the only black woman who’s naive to these things or is in their 30s and doesn’t believe in these things?

I hear all this stuff and while my brain comprehends it, my heart doesn’t get it. I’m old school: I can’t think of every white person as inherently racist. I grew up with the belief that there are 2 kinds of racists—overt racists and subtle racists.

Overt racists are not ashamed to admit that they hate people of color. They use racial slurs freely and to the faces of people of color. They are part of the KKK, neo-Nazis, and skinheads.

Subtle racists are the ones who like black people—as long as they stay in their corner. Just don’t move into our nice neighborhood or work at my job or take my promotion (but if my white colleague got it, that’s OK). Or don’t stand next to me at the bus station when I’d feel safer standing next to a white man. You can often tell the difference in subtle racists by their non-verbal cues. They can be harder to identify, but they exist.

But I’m not sure I buy the idea that ALL white people are racist. I would need to have that explained to me. That all white people inherently are against people of color?

It’s hard for me to look at my white husband and think, Gee, I love this exceptional, racist man. Why would I want to be married to a racist? Sort of odd to me, I think.

 

Revised 2017 Goals

~ K ~ 1 Comment

2017

Revising my annual goals list. A lot has happened in a few short months.

  1. Keep a full-time job for all of 2017.
  2. Keep my working hours limited to 40–45 hours a week (with rare exceptions).
  3. Visit my cousin in Florida.
  4. Follow my Practical Self-Care Plans for 2017.
  5. Use my frozen embryo later this year. (postponed to 2018)
  6. Attend the Warrior Mom Conference again if it’s affordable and doable (not happening ever again) 😦

I guess I’m down to 4 goals for the year. Not terrible. But definitely less ambitious than years past.