I haven’t had goals for 2019 mainly because I just have kind of given up on having goals. I’m not sure why. I guess I don’t care about giving my life much direction anymore? Has my ambition gone to the wayside?

In a feeble attempt to revive my blog (at least twice a year) and give myself goals to pursue, I’m coming up with a few goals for 2020. (Time to ring in a new decade!)

1. Read 6 full books for the year.
2. Exercise 1x per week for at least 10 minutes.
3. Meditate 3 days per week.
4. Eat 1500 calories or fewer 2x per week.
5. Blog or journal 3 days per week.
6. Morning devotions (Bible reading & prayer) 1x per week.
7. Duolingo: 4x per week for at least 15 minutes.
8. Go to church 4 times this year.
9. Visit New York 4 times this year.
10. Self-care once per month.

Still need to flesh this all out a bit more but my goal was to publish this on the first so here I am.

Thinking of doing a reboot of my blog. So much has changed in my mind and in my heart. My perception on evangelicalism, Planned Parenthood, and change.

In 2019, I’ve had a baby. I’ve moved as an adult from an apartment into my first house. I watched a coworker get let go.

And then there’s 2010-2019. An entire decade. (And really, which is the true decade? 2010-2019 or 2011-2020? Maybe 2010-2020?) In the past 10 years, I have:

• Had 2 children
• Had 3 pregnancies
• Moved to a new home
• Had several different jobs (2 part-time, 1 self-employed, 2 full time)
• Underwent fertility treatment three times
• Been in intensive outpatient twice

I’ve become more stable. My bipolar disorder is under control. My meds work. I have a fantastic therapist. I enjoy my job for the most part.

So for 2020, where do I go? What do I do? What new goals do I set? What is my goal in life? What’s my goal for 2020? What’s my goal for anything at any time?

I’m almost 40. I’ve evolved. I’ve gone from spending most of my life wishing I were someone else to finally appreciating and being thankful for who I am. I like me. I like my life. I like my kids (my son drives me nuts, tho). I like my husband and wouldn’t trade him for anyone else. I like my friends. I like my income. I like my home. I like my job. I like my close family. I feel very fortunate and blessed to have the things I have and enjoy the things I enjoy. This phone. This app. Direct deposit. Steady income. Private health insurance. I could go on.

But I thank God every day for everything He’s given me. I cannot complain. I do, but I shouldn’t. I am blessed financially, socially, emotionally, mentally, professionally, spiritually, and intellectually beyond all measure.

On June 25, I said on Twitter that I wanted to write about all the things. Now it’s July 30 and I have no words.

I have all these topics in mind but don’t know where to begin: Race. Police killing blacks. Socioeconomic disparities. The Confederate flag. Free speech. White privilege. White supremacy. Work. Motherhood. Abortion. Racism in the DR. Being an outcast. 2015 being a crap year for me. And more. I’ll break this post up into a few parts so no one’s sitting here reading this blog post for the rest of their lives.

Race.

Rachel Dolezal: Two words that at one point amused me. While many black people were outraged at her blatant cultural appropriation, I was merely amused that she so desperately tried to pass herself off as black. Although, when faced with allegations that she was actually white, she stumbled over a response.

Dolezal’s identification as black resonated with me. In the end, she became a joke thanks to Maya Rudolph’s impersonation on Late Night with Seth Meyers. But for me, she represented identifying with a race that you don’t belong to.

I have written extensively about my experience with race on this blog.

 

Then the 2017 WMC Facebook group got opened by Katherine. Susan, conference organizer, was away on vacation. Graeme was confused; the Facebook group wasn’t supposed to open until Susan got back. Katherine flung a passive-aggressive comment about how “no one told the CEO” about what was going on. (Even I was taken aback upon seeing that comment.) I had no idea what happened behind the scenes after that, but I could only imagine that the passive-aggressive comment wouldn’t be taken lying down.

Next thing I know, I log into the Warrior Mom Ambassador group and Graeme has posted her resignation without explanation or warning. I check the Warrior Mom Conference Alumni group. Posted there as well. I am breathing heavy and my world is beginning to crumble around me.

This is 2015 all over again. And this time, I do not have PPD/OCD to make things fuzzy for me.

I immediately reach out to Graeme and ask her, “What is going on?” She directs me to her post on medium.com, “The Weight of the Last Straw.”

I’m just going to let y’all know NOW that I’m a BAP—Black American Princess—and I am naive to the racist things of the world. So microaggression is a new word for me. I wish Katherine and I would’ve learned this stuff together. Maybe PP would’ve still been around.

But I knew—I just KNEW that the passive-aggressive “no one told the CEO” comment may have been considered a microaggression or the act of whatever went down behind it was a microaggression. I know now that there was far too much that went behind it. And indeed, it was the last straw for Graeme.

Katherine posted an apology to Graeme on her Facebook page but the first comment on Katherine’s page struck a chord with me:

But Katherine, this isn’t the first time. That’s what is truly concerning. -Heather Barmore

Yes, Heather. Yes.

Not even days went by. But hours. And as hours went by, stories came out. Jenna. Jenni. Divya. A’Driane. Alexandra. Women speaking about poor interactions with Katherine. Then the PP board released their first statement:

The Board of Postpartum Progress met yesterday to review recent events, starting with the actions leading up to and including Graeme Seabrook’s resignation as well as subsequent statements, claims and resignations, in order to collectively respond. We want to let you know first and foremost that we are here, and we are listening and learning.
We are acutely aware that Graeme and other women of color – be they staff members or volunteers – have been uncomfortable with how they were treated by our CEO and Board Chair. This is being taken very seriously and separate investigations into these claims will be forthcoming. We are committed to ensuring every person involved with Postpartum Progress feel valued, included and safe. We are immediately working to develop a process for all members of our community to be heard in a safe space, which will take time, but will be the most productive way of effecting true and lasting change.
Several months ago we engaged the consulting services of Dr. Dietra Hawkins, a multicultural competency expert, to coach our CEO in managing a diverse team and organization. We all spoke with Dr. Hawkins this morning and will be further engaging her to lead a community outreach effort for the Postpartum Progress volunteers so that we can learn how to better communicate with each other. We will need your input as we create this process via board@postpartumprogress.org, Dr. Hawkins along with Board Member Lesley Neadel will be available to hear your suggestions for other experts to involve, changes you hope to see, and to listen to your feedback on how recent events have affected you. Our goal is to create a thoughtful forum where we learn to respectfully discuss difficult issues with trusted mediation. This will be our first order of business moving forward.
We have also learned that our internal grievance process must be improved and formalized so that we can resolve tensions before they hurt valued members of our team. There will be more action, communication and training on this soon.
This has been a truly painful experience for so many. It is our intention to use this as an opportunity to become a stronger organization where all team members feel heard, believed, and valued. We have every hope that our Postpartum Progress team and our volunteers can come together to have hard, open and frank conversations, learn from each other and survive this. For the sake of the mission of the organization, to help all moms suffering from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, we ask that you all work with us so that we can grow into a more inclusive community—together stronger.

24 hours and 5 minutes later, the board drops a bomb on everyone involved in postpartum activities:

It is with heavy hearts that the Board of Directors of Postpartum Progress has made this difficult decision, but we have unanimously agreed to shut down the nonprofit Postpartum Progress in accordance with our bylaws and all applicable laws.
Our mission to help any and all mothers suffering from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders has always guided us, and will continue on as our blog and the information and resources contained within will be available in perpetuity. We encourage all Warrior Moms to continue to do the important work in their local communities to help new mothers. We will forever be grateful to them, to our staff, to our volunteers and to our donors who have helped us support millions of moms in need of help.
There will be no facilitated group phone call forum at noon today, or any in the future, as we had planned. Our outside counsel, Susan Pangborn at Kilpatrick Townsend, will be managing the official closure.

Critics point to this petition as the reason why Postpartum Progress, Inc. chose to dissolve. We all know that the board chose option 2 by announcing that their funds will help establish an Advisory Council that is “diverse and inclusive and provides a voice for women of color in the maternal mental health community.” What I want to know is why option 1, which would have kept the non-profit open, was NOT chosen.

Option 1: Remove CEO from non-profit and remove board who have failed to hold her accountable over multiples instances. Hire new CEO after new board, that is reflective of the community of maternal mental health [i.e. intersectional and inclusive], is established.

I guess my question is: Was it so important to retain the current CEO and board members that they would rather dissolve the organization than step down? This is a question I am grappling with. The potential to reach even more moms with a diverse team in an already-established organization seems limitless.

***

My heart bleeds when I hear about or think of anything Postpartum Progress or Warrior Mom related. I have Warrior Mom gear and a Warrior mantra band that I no longer wear because it pains me too much. Will the Warrior word be tarnished in my world forever? I don’t know? Will I ever be able to wear my Warrior Mom T-shirt without it being bittersweet? Probably never. Do I think Katherine’s racist? I think she needs A LOT of guidance and A LOT of education. Even after this whole mess, I don’t think she should give up on learning about how to approach people of color better.

For the record, Katherine has never harmed ME personally. I want everyone to know that Katherine has always treated me with kindness and respect. She has been there for me during my toughest times of my postpartum depression and made sure I had resources available when I needed them. Katherine is not an evil person, not in my book, and I do not anyone to think I am depicting her that way. But I do think she has a history of hiccups with people of color that needs to be smoothed out. It may not be with EVERY person of color, but it’s been with enough people of color and on enough racial issues that it warrants education, an open mind, and an open heart.

I’m black and I’m learning too, Katherine. Let’s listen to what the marginalized tell us and learn together.

Read the beginning, Part I, here.

I wondered how I could support and give back to an organization that was helping me to put ME back together. An event called Climb Out of the Darkness was coming up on the Summer Solstice. I made a connection with one of the women on the PP committee, a woman of color, A’Driane Nieves. She was helping me get oriented with a lot of the things surrounding PP.

I wanted to attend a local Climb in Valley Forge, PA, but couldn’t seem to get in touch with the organizer of the event. This greatly troubled me as I thought she was purposely dodging me. I had raised funds specifically through HER climb and now she wasn’t contacting me even though I had contacted her a few times.

I attended the Climb in Philadelphia, upset. Although it was a good event, I had wanted to attend my local event. I let A’Driane (also known addye) know about my frustration and addye got in touch with Christy, the organizer of the event. Christy called me personally to apologize. I don’t even remember what happened that she never received my emails and spent about 20 minutes on the phone with me, making sure that I was OK. Obviously, Christy was not a bitch to purposely dodge emails then turn around and willingly spend 20 minutes on the phone, making sure that I’m in a decent state of mind.

Later that year, the PP community was all abuzz with chatter of the first annual Warrior Mom Conference taking place in Boston in July! I was thrilled. Not only would I get the chance to go to Fenway for my 10th anniversary but to meet up with this community of women IN PERSON? How awesome would that be?

***

Then January 2015 came. An episode of Grey’s Anatomy focused on a mom who seemed to deliberately injure her children, further stigmatizing postpartum mood disorders. Shonda Rhimes, a black woman, is the creator of Grey’s Anatomy.

The resulting hashtag to protest this episode? #ShameOnShonda

And folx, it was NOT good.

Per SheKnows.com, Katherine posted a call to action after the episode aired on her Facebook page:

PLEASE JOIN ME TODAY in letting Shonda Rhimes, producer of Grey’s Anatomy, know that we don’t accept this kind of stigmatizing of mothers with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. Please tweet the following:

.@shondarhimes We stand against stigmatizing mothers with maternal mental illness. It’s NOT OK. #ShameOnShonda

While a lot of moms participated in reposting and retweeting the message, the hashtag didn’t go over so well in the black community.

Methinks that #ShameonShonda is a bad idea. Unpack yo privilege here.

— Shay Stewart Bouley (@blackgirlinmain) January 30, 2015

A huge missing piece of this #ShameOnShonda stuff is the stigma of dealing with shame that Black women get. Y’all aren’t helping with that.

— Kelly Wickham Hurst (@mochamomma) January 30, 2015

Shaming a black person is different than shaming a white person. Their is context to consider. #shameonshonda

— Jasmine Banks (@Djazzo) January 30, 2015

Once Katherine recognized her error, she retracted her hashtag…

Will continue loudly & forcefully calling out stigma. But I respect the different views of the word shame. So no more #shameonshonda.

— Katherine Stone (@postpartumprog) January 30, 2015

Addye was on the Postpartum Progress team at the time, and (from what I could see) because of the backlash that resulted with the hashtag, stepped away from the organization. When she parted ways with PP, a good number of women of color followed her as well.

As I mentioned previously, this was in January 2015, my son was not even a year old, and I was still in the throes of PPD/OCD. I thought it was all stupidity to step away from PP because of a stupid hashtag. (Besides, I didn’t even know who Shonda was or why she should be shamed!) I just thought it sucked that a woman of color left the the Postpartum Progress team.

But I was undeterred! These were a fine group of women! I got my ticket! Connected with Jennifer, my #PPDChat girl Lauren, and Susan (the Warrior Mom Conference [WMC] coordinator), and I was “red” to go! I was added to the WMC 2015 Attendees Facebook group and geeked out with excitement to meet tons of other women.

I hate to say that my shyness got the better of me at the first conference in July, but it really did. I spent some time sobbing in the “crying room” next to my husband with Susan ready to offer a helping hand. I was partially suicidal when a kind woman named Sara told me that she attended the conference in her sister’s honor who had died as a victim of a postpartum mood disorder. Sara’s sister’s story really resonated with me and gave me the strength to continue with the rest of the conference.

I listened to Divya Kumar give a talk on how to provide mental health assistance to underserved communities, which I thought was FABULOUS. Given what happened with addye at the beginning of the year, I was thrilled to see a woman of color given a speaking slot at the conference! I really didn’t get a chance to talk to her and tell her how much I appreciated her talk, but in a sea of white women, even seeing a NON-BLACK person was so nice! Just reminded me of the diversity within the postpartum community.

As soon as the 2015 Warrior Mom Conference ended, all attendees agreed that we definitely needed another one. This was a MUST. Like an addiction that needed to satiated. We were addicted to our little Warrior Mom community and the joy that it brought us. The sisterhood that we shared. That fact that we “got” each other, from all walks of life.

So we pestered poor Susan as soon as the conference ended. The poor woman barely had the chance to inhale before we bombarded her with questions: When’s the next one? Where will it be? When are the dates? When will tickets go on sale? When will the hotel block be available? When can I book my flight?

A new team arose after the 2015 conference. Or maybe they’d been there since before Climb Out of the Darkness. I hadn’t been paying attention. Either way, they soon became front and center for me as soon as the postpartum haze began to clear in October 2015. I knew Katherine. I knew Susan. But I was learning about Jasmine who was in charge of all the Climbs. And then there was Graeme, who was building the Warrior Mom community.

There were other women on the Postpartum Progress team who I knew of but Jasmine and Graeme were women of color! Katherine was making diversity a priority for Postpartum Progress again!

Graeme quickly jumped into action and facilitated a lot of the community interaction in the Warrior Mom Alumni and 2016 Warrior Mom Conference Facebook groups. She streamed Facebook Live videos, she actively recruited ideas and suggestions from members in the group, and when there was an issue, she was usually the first resource you’d think of turning to in order to get pointed in the right direction.

The 2016 WMC stands out in my mind because that is where I made the best of my connections. When I was troubled, women who barely knew me saw the grief and pain all over my face and set me aside to talk about it. I met Graeme who is just as enthusiastic and fun as she appears on her Facebook Live videos. (She says she’s an introvert. I don’t know about that…) I met Jasmine. I hugged Katherine. I hugged Candace. I talked to Chelsea. I re-met Christina. Raivon and I reconnected. I took a picture with Tara. I confused Jessica for Chelsea. I was Lara’s roommate for about 12 hours. I went for a run/walk with Kristen and Nicole. Mariah. Julie. Heidi. Stephanie. Yuz. (Rhymes with Buzz.) Allllll the names. Each one memorable. And they are endless.

And Katherine, founder and CEO of Postpartum Progress, talked about how we were a community. That she was not Postpartum Progress; that we were—us Warrior Moms. And yes, we felt that sisterhood. That bond when she said it. Yes, Katherine, WE ARE POSTPARTUM PROGRESS.

But then there was a breakdown. (At least on my end anyway.) I was stuck behind some column where I was seated at the banquet and I learned something about somebody making a quilt and giving it to somebody and it being something really meaningful and somebody crying and it was very special and all that jazz.

To be honest, I couldn’t care less. Food hadn’t been served yet, and I was hungry as a lion who had just come out of the desert into grassland. Yay, get your quilt so I can get my food.

Only a few weeks ago did I learn that the beautiful quilt was handmade for Katherine Stone.

Back during the banquet, I was thinking that some poor soul had gone through a difficult time and everyone was sniffling and crying because someone had gone through a really hard time and and now they had this quilt handmade by a Warrior Mom to show this other Warrior Mom love and affection, representative of the entire community. I couldn’t see the Warrior Mom. I didn’t KNOW the Warrior Mom. I didn’t really CARE who the Warrior Mom was. I just thought the gesture was nice.

But to be honest, when I learned it was Katherine Stone, it kind of all changed a bit. Not because of Katherine Stone herself.

I reflected on how the emphasis was put on the Warrior Mom community during the 2016 conference but then during the banquet, we turned it into an opportunity to worship the founder and CEO of Postpartum Progress. That’s not Katherine’s fault. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t honor and recognize Katherine’s accomplishments within the organization but do we need to do that for EVERY SINGLE CONFERENCE? A common complaint that I was aware of going into the 2017 conference was that we needed to make it less Katherine centered. Katherine has done a LOT for PP—I will never, ever deny her amazing, hard work. But we have also got to recognize that she is a person. With flaws. And she is part of this Warrior Mom community. Just like us. And she needs to be held up and supported. Just like we support each other. She is not above us or below us. She is a member, the only difference is that she had the title “founder and CEO.”

Since it’s all moot now, I’ll just say that I was part of the planning committee for the 2017 WMC. I was so excited after leaving the 2016 conference that I really wanted to make a difference in the lives of other moms struggling with postpartum disorders. I immediately signed up to be a Warrior Mom Ambassador. I had ideas and suggestions out the wazoo for Susan and Candace for 2017. I signed up to be part of the Steering Committee for the 2017 WMC along with other women who wanted to be part of the planning too. We were privy to dates, potential cities, and suggesting speakers and ideas and topics for keynotes or breakout sessions. I even suggested a karaoke or bowling night for the first night together. (Come on, people, we’ve got to do something that’s not centered around wine all night.)

I was an instigator, totally drumming up excitement leading up to the days of tickets going on sale for the 2017 conference. I couldn’t wait! As Nicole said, “We were going to be with our tribe again!”

Read Part III here.

My first introduction to Postpartum Progress (PP) was back in 2008, where I blogged at depression introspection about all things mental health. I certainly do not have the time nor the interest to devote that kind of attention to the blog again, but through my blogging over there is when I first discovered PP.

Even though Katherine Stone had been blogging about postpartum mood disorders (PMADs) since 2004, I felt as though she were almost a competitor. (I mean, really, what the hell was I thinking—she was in a niche subject and WAY out of my league.) She had tons of followers, tons of commenters, and I wanted alllllllll of that and a bag of chips. (Note: I started to get that, got a massive panic attack, and abandoned my blog ASAP. I couldn’t handle my blog blowing up. It was too much pressure.)

But regardless, I acknowledged PP as a valuable resource. I linked to it many times and included it on my blogroll as a mental health resource.

I followed Katherine as she advocated for The MOTHERS Act. I followed Katherine after Gwyneth Paltrow admitted to having difficulties after the birth of her son, Moses. And I even passed along the Postpartum Dads Project that Katherine recommended as a resource.

(FYI: We were all on the Typepad platform because Typepad was ALL the rage in the late 2000s, see Katherine’s updated links:
Time Magazine Skips Facts on Postpartum Depression
Gwyneth Paltrow Suffered PPD
PPD News as the New Year Begins…)

I stopped blogging regularly on the site in May of 2010 as I began to struggle with infertility. I never thought I’d be part of the exclusive sisterhood called “motherhood.” And it was painful for me to even think about advocating for mothers at a time when I needed to advocate for myself and others who so desperately wanted to become mothers.

On Twitter, however, somehow I ended up following Lauren, the founder of #PPDChat. Long before I ever knew I’d have children, I saw Lauren reaching out to moms dealing with PMADs. I thought it was cool, but to be honest, I never really gave it much of a second thought beyond on that. I never thought I’d need it for myself.

After I finally had my son in February 2014, I “listened in” on #PPDChat on Monday nights and really began to identify with the topics, questions, and answers. I began to jump in. I guess my answers were concerning. Lauren encouraged me to reach out for help. She directed me to Postpartum Progress.

Postpartum Progress. Ah, that site. Between 2009 and 2014, it had totally slipped my memory.

Katherine Stone personally reached out to me to make sure I was OK. Several times. Susan, affiliated with PP, also reached out to me to make sure I was OK. Several times.

I began receiving care at the Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, PA. They assured me that the counselors and therapists there would take good care of me.

And so began my journey with Postpartum Progress. This organization that had reached out to me—personally—once I’d reached out to them.

Read Part II here.