Author: K

Day 21 of Enjoying God: All-sufficient, all-bountiful

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I left off yesterday quoting Jesus at the end of Matthew 6:

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? … For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. —Matthew 6:25-34

Right now, I’m facing a crossroads in my life. I’m trying to decide whether I’m going to live my life for money or live my life for God. I don’t want the fact that my car keeps breaking down to determine how I run my life. I don’t want the fact that I’ve got bills piling up (because that money keeps being funneled into the car) to keep me from doing what a) I think God wants me to do and b) also makes me happy.

It is during this time that I am trying very hard to trust in God for everything I need. Not necessarily what I want but what I need. I may sound pretty pious but it’s a very difficult thing to follow through. I’m currently debating shelving my book (which I really don’t want to do), getting a third job, trying to figure out where I can cut costs to maximize profit, so to speak. All in all, I’m freaking out.

But Jesus admonishes me to seek first God’s kingdom and God’s righteousness and anything else I need will be taken care of. Jesus also admonishes me not to worry about tomorrow. But boy, is tomorrow’s trouble troubling me today.

Day 20 of Enjoying God: Provider

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Image from lanitaslegacy.blogspot.com/2010/09/jehovah-jireh.html

Jehovah-Jireh, roughly translated, means “the Lord will provide.” And boy, is He reminding me that I need Him to provide for us.

I’ve got a ’99 Toyota coupe that’s pushing 130,000 miles. In the past six months, my husband and I have probably put in $2700 of work into this thing: emissions and inspection including getting all four tires replaced in August, a catalytic converter replacement in October, and now in January, some fuel injector and spark plug stuff (among other things). (With the possibility of the other catalytic converter—probably $400—going bad eventually and having to get a $400 air fuel sensor replaced come inspection and emissions time in August.)

Sigh.

Or perhaps, Selah.

Every time we’ve been hit with one of these really expensive car bills (August really took the cake), my freelance job calls needing me to help them out. I charge them a good bit of money so it has helped to pay down these charges, which unfortunately have been going on a credit card.

After glaring at a $600+ bill today, I simply looked to the sky with resignation and said, “Well, Lord, I expect to be hearing from my freelance job next week.” (But in reality, I was looking forward to life slowing down a bit.)

I have to admit how blessed I really am when I stop and think about it. My husband and I aren’t wealthy by American standards (we’re drowning in a heap of debt), but the Lord really has been a provider for us—not when we wanted it but when we needed it. Jesus’ words 2,000 years later ring true for me:

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? … For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. —Matthew 6:25-34

The crazy thing about worry and anxiety is that sometimes it’s based on irrationality—worst case scenarios, if you will. My experience has been that God has not let me down in the area of providing for my daily needs. (Truly the Lord gives us our daily bread as echoed in the “Our Father,” the Lord’s prayer.) I shouldn’t fret about Him letting me down now.

(Although I’m curious to see where money for a newer car might possibly come from.)

Day 19 of Enjoying God: Sovereignty

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It is January 12 and all day I have been wanting to blog about Haiti. But the recent situation in Arizona weighs heavy on my heart as well.

I am not going to pontificate on why God allowed these tragedies to happen. (I was not too happy at this time last year.) But what I have learned in the past year since the Haiti earthquake and continue to keep in mind in light of the Arizona shooting is that God is sovereign—He is in control of all of these situations.

I don’t understand God’s mind, and I can’t explain why He didn’t prevent any of these things when, on many levels, it seems as if He could have kept them from happening. But as a believer in His son Jesus Christ, I will attempt to rest in the knowledge that the finite cannot ever fully understand the mind of the infinite and His ways are much greater than mine. A recurring theme in enjoying God right now is trust, and in all of these things, God is constantly asking me: Will you trust me? Will you trust that my judgment is in everyone’s best interest?

God challenges me and tells me in Jeremiah that He knows the plans He has for us, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give us a future and a hope. And then I wonder about the kind of future a dead 9-year-old has and the hope her parents have. Trust is not always easy.

It is during these times that I find myself a bit somber but also a bit more willing to give up control because I have no control over these situations. I have to rely on the fact that an omniscient, omnipotent God does. Otherwise the world goes to”hell in a hand basket” (as they say) and thinking that way gives me no comfort or peace at all.

Day 18 of Enjoying God: Patience

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Image from timetotalkaboutit.com

Impatience. I haz it.

I have always been an impatient person. But namely when it comes to driving, I have ZERO patience. If you are a driver who stops or slows down at a (fully) green light, I will honk you. If you slow down to merge when there is no need to, I will honk you. If you take more than three seconds to move after a light turns green, I will honk you. And if you are CLEARLY driving under the posted speed limit, I will lay on the horn.

I also have no tolerance for customers who lie to me. (Something I’m pretty beefed about this week from work.) But I also recognize when customers are getting (legitimately) impatient at work, and I try to have their needs tended to quickly. No one likes to wait.

Americans tend to be impatient. We want what we want and we want it now. Then if we’re not enjoying it, we want to be done with it as soon as possible. We don’t really understand how to truly and savor and enjoy everything in life.  Perhaps this is a result of our ever-changing technology. Or maybe it’s our culture. Or maybe it’s a combination of both.

God, however, has constant source of patience. The Bible says He is slow to anger and one of the fruits of the Spirit is patience. (But I really wish the Bible had an anecdote of Jesus in line at the Department of Moving Camels to help me out. I’m just sayin’.)

I wonder how much I’d be better able to enjoy God and life if I just slowed down a bit (not so much that I’m under the speed limit) and tried to appreciate the seconds and minutes of my life ticking away. Any suggestions on how to enjoy God and life during a period of waiting?

Day 17 of Enjoying God: Sleep (in Heavenly Peace)

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Image from indianasleep.com

In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety. —Psalm 4:8

I’m writing this right now because I’m tired and could really use some sleep.

But I think it’s also interesting that in Psalm 4:8, the psalmist chooses to sleep in peace. The psalmist is able to comfortably lay his head down because he trusts in the Lord to protect Him and take care of Him. (There’s that pesky trust word again.)

The Bible has a lot to say on different aspects about sleep but sleeping in peace throughout the Bible represents a healthy fear of the Lord. Not necessarily the fear and trembling aspect but the reverential sovereign awe attributed to the God of the universe. It is only when when we are able to respect (deference to a right, privilege, privileged position; proper acceptance; acknowledgment) God’s place in our lives that we are able to sleep soundly in peace and without fear (being afraid).

Perhaps this should have been a post on fear of the Lord, but it was cool to discover how to enjoy God through the peace and restfulness He provides us with, even in our sleep. (Ah, rest… a topic for another day.)

The fear of the LORD leads to life, so that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil. —Proverbs 19:23

Day 16 of Enjoying God: Trust

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Image from anna.aero

Trust isn’t necessarily so much an attribute of God that I need to enjoy as much as I need to employ this quality in myself to enjoy God more.

Issues of trust also lead into issues of control. The thing is, I’m a control freak, and I have this crazy idea that I know things better than God does. (Also see Day 12: Contentment.) If God would just give me control of this, everything would turn out okay. I don’t ever say this out loud but through my actions, I like to tell Jesus, “Hey, buddy, pull over and let me drive. I think I can navigate this messy New York traffic a whole lot better than you can.”

To be clichéd and quote Carrie Underwood’s 2005 hit song, I need to let “Jesus Take the Wheel.” In my life, Jesus is akin to a seasoned NYC taxicab driver who can get me to where I need to go while minimizing all the bumps along the way. Sometimes, like in a NYC taxicab, I use my imaginary emergency brake because I think I could do a whole lot better but Jesus knows what he is doing and (unlike real NYC taxicabs) he never puts me in unnecessary danger.

The crazy thing about the Christian life is that believers in Jesus have a hard time handing over the lease on their lives to the man they call their Lord and Savior. However, these same people have very little problem handing over their lives to a pilot (they’ve never met and don’t even know) on a plane.

Perhaps it’s time for me to place at least as much trust in Someone I claim to have a personal relationship with as the unknown guy who takes my plane 39,000 feet in the air and then safely lands it.

Day 15 of Enjoying God: Inclusive and Adoptive

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I’ve been speaking to a few people lately about adoption. I’m not in the process of it or even considering it seriously but adoption is something that I would never rule out. I think I’ve been blessed with the ability to not need having my own child but to be able to raise one and share my values with him or her.

A friend today reminded me that believers in Christ are adopted sons and daughters of God.

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. —Romans 8:14-18

God is not an exclusive God; He is an inclusive God—He wants everyone to come to Him, to get to know Him, and to enjoy Him. As such, when we come to God through Jesus Christ, we are accepted as His children and joint-heirs with Christ. God the Father accepts us and loves us just as He loves His own begotten son.

I’m very thankful to talk to others about adoption and see parents treat their adopted children as their own. It’s such a sweet picture of the way God cares for us.

Day 14 of Enjoying God: Righteous Anger

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I may create a separate blog post on the issue of abortion and the Black population, but after discovering the high rate of abortion in the New York City area, especially among the Black and Hispanic populations, I was grieved.

Then I became angry. Very angry.

I became angry that over half of Black children conceived in the NYC area don’t have a voice and aren’t given a chance to live. They are murdered—their tissues and body parts carelessly bagged up for trash or flushed down the toilet.

Just as I see this as heinous and unfair, I realized that God sees my sin in a similar light. He sees every act of rebellion against Him as heinously as I see abortion. It disgusts Him and makes Him sick and He must turn away from me.

In Jesus Christ, God no longer sees my sin. He sees His holy son who died for my sins and accepts me that way.

Having righteous anger against abortion (or any other type of injustice) is not really a way of “enjoying God,” but it has helped me to understand God just a wee bit better. And that’s the whole point of this series of blog posts: not only to just enjoy God but also to get to know Him better.

Day 13 of Enjoying God: CPO (Chief Planning Officer)

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Image from rohdesign.com

The LORD brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; he frustrates the plans of the peoples. — Psalm 33:10

I can’t tell you how many times in the past two months I have dropped food on my pants (of all places) and cried in frustration, “I just washed this!”

To me, a day or two after I’ve pulled my clothes out of the wash, it is simply inconvenient to have to throw my clothes back in for a stain. (And they’re clothes I usually really like too.)

My friend’s husband once called his wife the CPO of the household—the Chief Planning Officer. I’ve happily adapted that title to my role as well since I love to plan and am the one who schedules appointments and events on our calendar.

But today, after dirtying my clothes for the umpteenth time I realized I’m not the real CPO here—God is. He makes the plans, he determines even the minutiae of me having to throw my clothes back in to the wash two days after I’ve just pulled them out. (sigh)

There are tons of verses in the Psalms and Proverbs that emphasize that even though man makes His plans, the Lord establishes them all. I may consider myself the Chief Planning Officer of the household but God is the Chief Planning Officer of my life.

In Defense of the Unfocused Blog

~ K ~ 3 Comments

From Michael Hyatt’s blog post, “Why I Stopped Reading Your Blog“:

You[r] posts are too infrequent. You haven’t posted in weeks. Or months. Like so many would-be bloggers, you started well, but you quit too early. I’m sure you have legitimate reasons, but I am tired of waiting. Nobody cares. Post or perish.

Your posts are too unfocused. One day you’re are blogging on this. The next day you are blogging on that. What is your blog about? Please remind me, because I am lost in the forrest [sic] of your eclectic interests. You’re not a renaissance man (or woman). You are undisciplined.

I am guilty of both infractions above.

Infrequent posts

I have not adhered to a regular posting schedule for this blog and am trying to do better for 2011 with at least one piece of content posting daily and perhaps a second at any moment or day I wish. I understand Mr. Hyatt’s frustration in this area. In the past, there have been a few blogs that I loved reading, but since they hadn’t posted in months, I stopped visiting their sites assuming they had abandoned their blog. Most readers understand if you’re enduring a busy or sick season and will wait for you if you inform them. But if you disappear without warning for an extended period of time, well… readers do get tired of waiting and leave. No sense in clogging up a perfectly good RSS feed with a blog that is rarely updated.

Unfocused posts

Unsubscribing for unfocused posts? Well, here’s where I stand up for the girl who feels like using her blog to ramble about her boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend, her cute little puppy, and that annoying co-worker who gabs on the phone all day. If you started reading her blog with this kind of content, expect more of this content: it’s called her life. She simply rambles on her blog about different aspects of it.

You might consider the blog you’re reading now to be a bit unfocused and undisciplined. (Goshdarnit, Mr. Hyatt! You pegged me!) You’re right. I’m not afraid to tackle a variety of issues on this blog: different aspects on my life, my thoughts on losing a loved one, Christianity, gay rights, book reviews, and more. If that isn’t all over the place, then I don’t know what is.

For 2 years, I put an immense amount of effort into maintaining a blog focused on one specific topic: depression. And when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, it shifted to a general mental illness blog covering different aspects of mental health. Then it grew and became a semi-pharma blog.

And one day, it became just too much to pour all my heart, soul, time, and energy into a keeping a blog topic-specific because I was growing. My thoughts and ideas were growing beyond mental health. I developed a passion for Christian theology. I wanted to ramble about politics. I wanted an avenue to challenge other people’s thinking with my posts on a variety of topics.

And so… This Journey Is My Own was born in June 2009 after taking a long break from regular blogging.

The majority of posts deal with some aspect of Christianity in some way. But those posts also heavily intersect with my life. I blog on anything that is near and dear to my heart—I don’t stick to posts about publishing or writing or mental health. I am so much more than that.

I don’t mind reading a blog that talks about a variety of topics from day to day. Not everyone is organized enough to have Mental Health Monday, Theology Tuesday, Weather Wednesday, Thought-Provoking Thursday, and Fitness & Health Friday. (Don’t worry, I’m not sure I’d even do those themes. Although having a regular Fail Friday on my old blog was really fun.)

I say people should blog about whatever they want to blog about on any given day. If you want to post about Buddhism on one day and then discuss Barack Obama’s health care plan the next, why not? Blogging is about your readers but it’s also about you. If you’re not getting paid to publish your content or if it’s not related to your job in any way, there should be no problem if your topics are all over the place as long as they’re engaging and concise.

Speaking of concise, perhaps it’s time for me to stop typing. And if you read this far, you either found this content engaging or you’re my husband.

Day 12 of Enjoying God: Contentment

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Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. —Philippians 4:11-12

I truly struggle to enjoy God in this area. I struggled with this in prayer last night before my husband basically told me, “You struggle with contentment because you want to be the God of your own life. You want to have control over everything because you think you know better than God.”

And he’s right.

Life would go so much better if God just adhered to my plans. (Or so I think.)

If God gave me a kid when I wanted, everything would be great. If God allowed me to publish my book when I was mentally ready, then I’d have a better life. If God allowed me to have more money, then I’d feel financially secure. If God did [xyz], then I would be in a more positive place.

Being discontent means that things are not about me when I want them to be. And to be content, things have to be less about me, more about God and more about everyone else.

Less of me, Lord, and more of You.

 

2011 Resolutions… Goals… Targets… Likely Misses…

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I don’t have the statistics on how many people fail to keep their resolutions and how quickly it drops off but I know for certain that the percentage is high (ie, majority of people who make New Year’s resolutions don’t keep them).

So with the dawn of a new year, I’m not expecting much either so I’ve thrown something on the list that’s a definite (to make me feel better) and the rest are just hopeful shots in the dark. They’re not unrealistic but the likelihood that I’ll actually hit any of these goals by the end of 2011 is low. That being said, I’ll revisit these goals on June 4, then again on December 4 to see if I’ve made any progress.

2011 Resolutions/Goals

  1. Land an agent for my young adult novel.
  2. Exercise for at least 15 minutes 4 times a week.
  3. Lose 25 lbs.
  4. Eat more salads and vegetables.
  5. Read 75 (or more) books.
  6. Relax on the Sabbath (Sunday). [This one, by far, will be the most difficult one for me to do.]
  7. Attend a writer’s conference.
  8. Attend CCEF’s October conference in Louisville.
  9. Learn to be content with what I have and who I am.
  10. Spend more time with God through prayer and Bible reading.
  11. Attend morning church services at my home church at least twice a month.
  12. Write a post (nearly) every day on different aspects of enjoying God.
  13. Cut down on sweets aka be less addicted to sugar.
  14. Read through the Chronicles of Narnia.
  15. Hold scheduled write-ins at the library through the month of November for NaNoWriMo.

I purposely left #16 off this list. Since it falls under contentment, I will try to deal with that as best as I can.

Day 11 of Enjoying God: Friendships

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A friend, who I haven’t seen in a while, is coming over to spend the night. Since we haven’t formally caught up with each other’s lives for the past couple of months, I’m looking forward to spending time with her and talking about what God is doing in her life.

I wish I was just as eager to spend time with God as I am with my friend. In John 15:15, Jesus says to his disciples:

No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you.

Friends tend not to withhold information about what is going on in our lives. With bosses, people are much more formal and keep themselves (and their information) at arm’s length. Jesus does not refer to himself as our boss or our master; he calls us friends and invites us to know more about him.

Knowing the Lord as friend—discovering his qualities, attributes, and who he is—will not only allow us to enjoy God more, but it will encourage us to come to him and lay all of our concerns and joys before him.

 

Day 10 of Enjoying God: Good Speech

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I’m not talking about being articulate. I’m talking about being careful about what you say about others.

A round of ’bouts. I know.

Perhaps it’s Catholic guilt or fundy guilt or perhaps it’s simply that good ol’ conscience convicting me, but I immediately became aware of how important it is to speak well of others at work today.

There’s a person I work with who is really nice but fails to pull their own weight. (I’m intentionally using mismatched pronouns to avoid gender-specificity. If you have no idea what was wrong in the last sentence, just keep reading; no big deal.) It is common knowledge around the office that this coworker sort of loafs around, doing just enough minimal work to stay employed but not really pitching in to make a serious dent. As a result, some complaints and grumbles are said about this coworker and I found myself saying a really mean joke that elicited a cheap laugh from my other coworkers. Once the words came out of my mouth (I don’t even remember what now), I immediately felt guilty and repented. How is gaining a laugh at someone else’s expense glorifying to God? It doesn’t even matter that my coworkers aren’t Christians: I’ve given them the impression now that if they don’t do their work or have a bad day, I can say something just as mean about them behind their backs.

I suddenly realized the importance of edifying speech: speaking well of others or adhering to that old idiom, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all.”

I’m certain that God doesn’t particularly snicker in heaven when I say something mean about someone who has been created in His image. Sure, actions can be criticized but if fair’s going to be fair, that criticism needs to be said in love to that person’s face—it shouldn’t be personality attacks (under the guise of criticism of actions) behind that person’s back. Perhaps that’s why gossip and backbiting are highly frowned upon in the Bible—those things are never said to kindly help point out people’s mistakes. Those things are always done because we’re insecure beings who are always trying to feel better about ourselves.

Philippians 4:8 says:

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

I would do well—and enjoy God a whole lot more—if I adhered to Paul’s admonition above.

Day 9 of Enjoying God: Healer

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I had a nasty migraine today that made me nauseous and only got worse as I traveled 3 hours from NY back to PA. (Had to pull over in Brooklyn because I thought I was going to puke.) During that time, I failed to ask God to help me. I failed to ask God to use an attribute of His to assist me in time of need.

There’s no guarantee that God would have; in spite of forgetting to cry out for help, soon after I arrived home and rested for an hour, I felt better. But I missed out on an opportunity to explore an attribute of God—healer and great physician.

In Exodus 15:26, God is referred to as Jehovah-rophe or Jehovah-Raphah transliterated as “the Lord who heals.” Throughout the gospels, Jesus demonstrated this as he went from town to town performing signs and miracles of healing. The first line of treatment is to seek immediate medical attention (Mark 5:25-26) then when all else fails, seek the Lord for help (Mark 5:27-34).

I hope to remember this when I face sickness or when praying for others dealing with sickness.