Author: K

Why I May Never Hold a Church Leadership Position

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Well, a woman is one reason.

But even within the gender, I am never in a neat theological line. Perhaps I tend to fall within conservative, orthodox beliefs but many of my views on social issues are rather liberal, to use political terms. This does not make me a neat orthodox Christian.

I’m also rather opinionated. It’s hard for me to toe party lines because I think so differently. But in a way, the idea that I’ll probably never serve as a Christian leader makes me sad because I think I’d love to discuss theology with women that has a practical basis and watch ideas and actions take flight. I’d love to be a catalyst who spurs Others to action.

But alas, God didn’t make me that way and any illusions of me being some kind of leader must be killed. I am not a born leader. I do not inspire others, and as long as I’m keenly aware of that (despite what I desire), I’ll be okay.

Just gotta figure out how to be a fantastic Jesus follower.

My Lesson from Today’s Counseling Session

~ K ~ Leave a comment
Dollhouse image from cutiebeauty.com, House images from hpadesign.com

Whenever I beat myself senseless over my sinfulness and wretchedness, I need to quote this to myself:

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father…so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. —Ephesians 3:14, 17-19

Humans are awful, sinful, wretched people—before God and others. There is truth in “worm theology,” but a Christian cannot stay there. A Christian must move past the idea of being a horrible, terrible person (an idea on which I tend to dwell) and move into the light of God’s grace and forgiveness. Yes, my sin is big but the love of God is so much bigger.

Think of your sin as being the size of a dollhouse. Now think of the magnitude of the bedroom that the dollhouse stays in. That’s pretty big, right? Now, imagine the house that holds the room (and other rooms) that the dollhouse resides in. The house is enormous compared to the size of the dollhouse. The dollhouse dwarfed by the size of the house; it is swallowed up and certainly not a major focal point in the home.

This is a feeble human analogy in how God’s love swallows up our sin. In God’s love, our sin is not a major focal point even though it is there. Just as someone walking into a home would not dwell on a small dollhouse in a large home, so God does not want us to dwell on our sin in comparison to His great love.

Yes, this is what I have learned today, and that’s the verse I have been challenged to memorize.

In Christ Alone

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Whenever I can’t come up with a blog post, I think I’ll just refer you to my favorite hymn, “In Christ Alone” because right now, I’m struggling with so much and need to remember that everything I need is indeed in Christ alone.

Listen to In Christ Alone.

Dying of Self

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I experienced a dying of self this weekend. I begged and prayed to God this weekend to be emptied of self so I could be more selfless. And while I had a marvelous time thanks to God’s graciousness, I still, at moments, felt pangs and stings of pain. But I really tried to serve and to love others. And I can only imagine it would have been much more difficult if I didn’t try to seek God out beforehand.

I’m in the midst of my busy season of life. But in the midst of this busy Lenten season, I am remembering Jesus and reading about his life and sacrifice. I am remembering that I need God above all things and need to desire Him more than anything or anyone.

Tomorrow will be a challenging 12-hour day. But I hope the Lord sustains me in a gentle way like He has this past weekend.

I hope.

Believing a Place of Hurt Is Good

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Today’s struggle is an attempt to focus on God above all else. This is really a daily struggle but there are days in which God specifically asks, “Will you trust Me even though I’ve allowed you to be in a place of hurt?” On those days, it is difficult to swallow my anger and pride and say, “Yes, Lord, I will choose to trust You and believe that this current place of hurt is for my good and for Your glory even though I don’t understand why I’m here.”

Sometimes we ask things of God and He does not give them to us because we are bound by the illusion that we will be happier, more satisfied, or more fulfilled if we get what we seek. Then we dismiss God as cruel and unjust for holding out on us. Perhaps God wants us to come to a place where we can say, “I’d really like [xyz] and even though I’ve desired this for a long time and You haven’t said yes to this prayer, I will give you the preeminent place in my heart.”

This Lent, I am seeking to grow closer to God, to make Him first in all things. God is radical: He doesn’t want some parts of my life; He wants all of it. And I need to submit all parts of my life including my greatest desires. And then I must say “Your will be done” and follow God, wherever His path may lead.

A Short Prayer for Feeling Inadequate

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Dear God,

I feel so inadequate in everything I do. But that’s because I keep looking to me and my abilities. I keep trying to draw strength from my self-confidence instead of who You are and what You have said about me. Help me to daily trust in You and Your will for my life.

In Jesus’ name. Amen.

How I Got My Name

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I tend to scribble a lot

My father chose my name. He claimed it came to him in a dream. He made the mistake, however, of naming me Karcel at birth. My mother hated the name and always refuted that she “had no car to sell.” At six months old, Karcel was crossed out on my birth certificate and my real full name that I use to this day was written above it. The original name is still popular among my cousins and extended family.

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Natural Disasters Aren’t Complete Disasters

~ K ~ 1 Comment

 

A soldier holds a four-month-old baby who survived the tsunami with her family at Ishinomaki city in Miyagi prefecture on March 14, 2011. (Yomiuri Shimbun/AFP/Getty Images)

The earthquake in Japan has touched my heart and mind. I do have a friend in Japan who is all right (she updated her Facebook profile), and while I am sad about the loss of life and devastation, I am also glad that Japan is a first-world country with proper infrastructure that can help minimize damage in the face of shifting plates and waves rolling across the land. Haiti lacked all of these things including access to basic health care, which made the death toll in last year’s earthquake all the more worse for the impoverished country.

Natural disasters (or “acts of God”) are devastating. They result in loss of life, extensive property damage, and put people in harm’s way for the future (ie, Haiti: cholera; Japan: radiation exposure). But these same disasters that bring so calamity upon a people also bring a sense of community. People of an entire country band together like never before in recent memory to assist one another. Sure, there are looters—but these vagabonds are not the norm; they are the exception. People are digging their neighbors and coworkers out of rubble. They are grieving with people’s names they do not know upon discovering that their loved ones bodies have washed upon the shore. They are sharing food, transportation, and words with a form of compassion that may not have existed two weeks ago.

People around the world are touched by the frailty of human life when these tragedies strike, and the outpouring of love, money, and support is evidence of that.

Perhaps I’m exercising dispensational eschatology in believing that the United States is poised for its own great earthquake in the next 10 years. And I don’t fear California so much as I fear the “inactive” plate that’s sitting miles beneath the ground I live on. None of us are prepped or poised for that.

And I can only hope and pray that the world will be as good to us then as we have tried to be to them.

 

Target Locked

~ K ~ 1 Comment
Image from http://www.laroysairsoft.com

When a Christian decides to zero in on a particular sin and defeat it, count on evil forces to make it ten times worse of a challenge.

Remember my Lenten challenge? All I have to say is that it’s not easy.

—

Unrelated: I really hope I don’t start getting hits on people getting locked out of Target or something silly because of my title.

Musical Discernment

~ K ~ Leave a comment
Image from paducahtruth.blogspot.com

My years in the independent fundamental Baptist (IFB) denomination encouraged me to think that practically all music except for the old-time hymns were bad. This came after 16 years of listening to virtually any and every musical genre I wanted. I attended a strict, legalistic Christian college in which all music submitted was evaluated by those in authority to see if the music met the college’s criteria of something that could be listened to during the school term. If it did not meet the college’s criteria, the album was held until the end of the term then returned to the owner.

I spent quite a bit of time in which I listened to nothing but songs and hymns that would fall very much under the genres of classical, choral, and non-percussion instrumental. While I enjoy listening to these genres at various times, limiting myself to these genres alone proved trying. At times, I found classical or choral music quite boring and sleep-inducing while non-percussion instrumental music could contain brass instruments making the song loud, distracting, and downright annoying.

At that time, I really believed that classical, choral, and non-percussion instrumental were sinful and harmful to listen to. I discarded all of my secular albums, ripped up my Beatles and Michael Jackson posters, and thought I was doing my best to be obedient to God. But my actions certainly weren’t motivated by an attitude of love and grace; I did those things in obedience to the commandments of men (Matt. 15:9).

Granted, the general principle behind the legalistic rules is not bad:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  —Philippians 4:8

A great many songs in the secular realm do not meet the criteria above hence the radical fundamentalist view of shunning “worldly rock music.” But then again, a lot of songs that pass for what is called “Christian” don’t meet the criteria above either.

After leaving IFB churches (perhaps even a bit before that), I began to listen to a variety of songs again and discovered how much these songs could positively impact my mood. Here are a few personal examples:

Those are only a few examples of how various songs (Sara Groves being the only overtly Christian song on the list) minister to me that would never meet the criteria outlined by my old Christian college and old IFB churches. (Yes, that includes the Sara Groves song.)

A lot of the songs above don’t fly for a lot of Christians. It may be that the songs don’t meet their musical preference (ie, don’t like the sound or lyrics) or that they’re not godly enough. That’s okay as long as they are the ones determining what’s good for them and not someone else. Continue reading “Musical Discernment” →

Ash Wednesday and the Beginning of Lent

~ K ~ 6 Comments
Image from goldenspikelutheran.files.wordpress.com

Ash Wednesday, as the venerable Wikipedia describes it, “is a day of repentance and marks the beginning of Lent”:

Ashes were used in ancient times, according to the Bible, to express mourning. Dusting oneself with ashes was the penitent’s way of expressing sorrow for sins and faults.

I had planned on going to an Ash Wednesday service at a local Roman Catholic Church today but for various reasons, won’t be able to do so.

In 1998 when I became a born-again Christian in an independent fundamental Baptist (IFB) church, the pastor (a former Roman Catholic) bashed Catholicism in nearly every possible way. Even though I finished my schooling in a Roman Catholic school 2 years later, I walked away with a dismal view of Catholicism, its doctrines, and practices.

In 2007, I joined the Presbyterian Church of America (PCA). The PCA is a Christian denomination that still holds to Bible-based preaching but offers a liturgical structure similar to that of the Roman Catholic Church. After nearly a decade of being away from a liturgical service, my first experience back was a little jarring. After years of making the Bible as my only authority for Scriptural practices as an IFB, becoming a Presbyterian had me reconsidering church traditions as a supplement (not a replacement) to the Bible for Scriptural practices. (Let me state here that the Bible’s authority takes precedence over church traditions and church traditions clearly in conflict with Scripture should be modified or discarded.)

An acquaintance on a message board who went from born-again Protestant Christianity to Roman Catholicism once suggested that Catholicism may appeal to me again in the future. The likelihood of my becoming a Roman Catholic again is slim, but in a way, he was prophetic: the structure, reverence, and church traditions within Catholicism have reappealed to me and continue to do so the older I get (in age and in faith). Continue reading “Ash Wednesday and the Beginning of Lent” →

Approval from Others: I Shouldn’t Drink to That

~ K ~ 1 Comment
Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve been dealing with a huge “fear of man” issue lately—I care too much about what others think of me. I second-guess everyone’s motives, and if my friendship is rejected, speculations fly in my head in determining the possible reason of how I caused the rejection.

There’s a song by Rihanna called “Cheers (Drink to That)” that I really like. (The Avril Lavigne sample from “I’m With You” though? Not so much.) Yes, it’s a song about drinking.

Cheers to freakin’ weekend,
I’ll drink to that (yeah yeah).
Oh, let the Jameson sink in,
I’ll drink to that (yeah yeah).
Don’t let the bastards get you down,
Turn it around with another round,
There’s a party at the bar,
Everybody put your glasses up
And I’ll drink to that!”

I’ve gotta admit, I consider for the length of song drinking all my troubles away. The idea of drinking alcohol to drown all my paranoia and the possible criticism people might be leveling my way sounds enticing. The song somehow gets me all warm and fuzzy with the idea of sitting around a bar happily drinking myself stupid with a bunch of people I don’t know in an effort to escape my troubles. I never even dreamed of romanticizing the idea until this song. I wouldn’t lay blame with the song or the singer so much as I do with my interpretation of the avenue I think it gives me.

I’m constantly seeking approval from others. And I know that’s it’s wrong. I know that can only come from God, and I struggle with that. So I desire to drink alcohol to drown out the internal war in my head. I want to drink to deal with the war of truth and lies that rages in my brain.

As the song fades out, each time I need to tell myself, “No, drinking to get comfort only exacerbates the problems you’re dealing with. You must get ultimate comfort from God.”

But God doesn’t dull my senses like alcohol does. When I’m depressed, God doesn’t put me to sleep right away like alcohol can. And whether I drink or pray in the evening, the internal critics return in the morning to torment me. I can’t escape them; I don’t know what to do.

—

The song is just one example that leads into a larger issue of how music (not just melody or beats but also lyrics) can influence a person’s moods and thinking, but ironically, I’ve had a beer tonight (with a BBQ pizza!) and I don’t have the brainpower or energy to tackle a post of that scale tonight.

Children Don’t Belong to Moms; They Are A Loan from God

~ K ~ 5 Comments

Image: phanlop88 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

After hearing a good friend’s testimony on Saturday, I was reminded of an important truth. Maybe it wasn’t so much a reminder as it was a revelation: “my” children won’t belong to me. They will be “on loan” from God. As a result, only He only will choose when to lend me His creation. Just like library materials aren’t completely mine or Netflix movies aren’t mine but I’m fully responsible for them when they’re in my possession, so it is with the children bestowed upon me. I must remember that God is not withholding anything that is “rightfully mine.” (Technically, nothing is.) I should look at motherhood as a privilege God will allow me to partake in rather than something I inherently deserve simply because of my gender.

I hope I can remember this as I struggle with childlessness each month.