Random
Boring
People-pleaser
Self-conscious
Odd
Yeah, yeah, I know these are negative. That’s how I’m feeling today.
Author: K
7 Ways I Enjoy Being Child-Free (Not by Choice)
If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that I struggle with childlessness. I have not willingly chosen to be child-free as some couples have. It’s just a matter of not having been blessed with children at this time. As my husband and I determine our next course of action, I recognize that there are benefits to not having children. There are things that I would be willing to give up if we are blessed with kids, but at this time, I might as well enjoy myself!
1. Waking up without having to tend to someone else’s needs.
If I plan to balance my checkbook for an hour, I don’t need to worry about anyone crying as he or she wakes up from sleep. I can go about my business as planned.
2. Eating out when I want to.
Although eating out regularly gets expensive, I’m not a fan of cooking. With a child, eating out will become a luxury because we wouldn’t be able to afford the extra expense and getting an active toddler to sit at a meal for a while would be a challenge.
3. No extra anxieties.
I’m already an anxious person. Can you imagine the anxiety I’d develop as I worry about a toddler trying to get into all the cabinets or climbing the dishwasher onto the counter? I’m not constantly freaking out about being put in jail because I failed to get the most secure lock on the cleaning products cabinet.
4. Traveling isn’t a hassle.
Travel and packing is already stressful for just me. Having to pack for myself and for another one might drive me insane. And if we’re stuck in traffic for 4 hours, we don’t need to pull over for anything except maybe refilling the tank. Oh, and I’m not that mom in the plane who everyone wishes would shut her kid up.
5. Earning money is rewarding.
Being a mom is a thankless job. So are a lot of other regular jobs but that paycheck is not thankless; it’s rewarding. Being a mom sometimes doesn’t feel so rewarding when you do the same things day in, day out without a thank you or any kind of paycheck. Right now, I feel like I’m contributing to my family in a way that yields instant rewards.
6. Relatively clean and intact items around the home.
We don’t have animals either so nothing has been pooped on, drooled on, or torn apart. The worst my books and furniture have to endure are dust and wear and tear. (Okay, maybe I scribble on a few things…)
7. Quiet.
No babies crying, no children pestering me with questions like “why” for everything, no teens constantly asking me for cash. If my husband is silent and I am not talking, it is quiet. I should relish this for as long as I can.
Again, these are things I am reminding myself to enjoy as I pursue a dream of having children. Is there anything else you can add that I’ve missed?
Six Ways to Be Considerate of Childless Couples
I’ve been writing a lot about childlessness and infertility lately because that’s been on my mind and my heart. I don’t know if it’ll help anyone but it’s out there.
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We were recently at a gathering where a married couple announced they were expecting their first child. For most of the night, the conversation revolved around the couple and their impending child. We were the only couple without children that night and no one stopped to consider whether we wanted kids or whether the conversation could be hurtful to us.
I don’t blame others for not knowing how we felt that night, but is ignorance really bliss for all involved? Stop to consider what a couple may be going through before you ask them a question about having kids. Here’s how to be sensitive to a couple who do not have children.
1. Make general conversation. Pick a topic in which everyone can provide input. Pregnancy for couples without children is not one of those topics.
2. Invite the childless couple into the conversation even if it is about children. Don’t shut them out because of awkwardness. Ask them if they are planning on having kids. It is a dreaded question for some couples but it opens the door to feeling included.
3. Follow up on the answer. Is the couple happy being child free? Maybe they don’t want to spend the rest of the night talking about kids they’ll never have. Is the couple unhappy being child free? Be sensitive to this. This couple definitely does not want to dwell on a topic that is painful for them.
4. Be considerate. If you recognize conversation about your kids or children in general went on too long, seek out the couples’ feelings on the matter. Some couples will be fine but other couples may feel slighted. Most couples will react graciously after the fact as they recognize not everyone knows what they are dealing with.
5. Don’t forget. If, as a married couple, you once had trouble having kids, don’t forget that painful period in life. Let it serve a purpose. And if you discover that a married couple is having trouble conceiving, don’t forget this when you are around them. You won’t be ignorant anymore and would be held responsible for what you know.
6. Pray for the childless couple. Whether happy or unhappy without kids, this couple would love to be prayed for. Everyone has ongoing needs and they are not less in need of prayer because they do not have children.
Dealing with infertility is not easy for any couple. However, awareness is the key to not letting couples feel shut out. And if someone is single and past childbearing age, having lengthy conversations about pregnancy and babies is just cruel. Remember to be considerate and aware of those around you.
List three jobs you’d consider pursuing if money didn’t matter.
Librarian
Full-time freelance editor and writer
Professional organizer
What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting
Lots of baby announcements that are not yours.
Writing about infertility has actually been difficult for me lately. It leaves me with stilted language and incomplete thoughts. I have privately published posts with words here and there—words that wouldn’t make sense to anyone but convey the pain and sadness in my own heart.
The crappy thing about infertility is that it often leaves the sufferer with an unhealthy dose of envy. Suddenly one must battle covetousness in ways like never before.
I know someone who isn’t able to attend a baby shower because it is unlikely she will ever have kids of her own. I can only attend baby showers for very close friends, and even then, it is difficult for me to do so with complete and joyful abandon.
Infertility has brought the cream of my sinfulness to the top, and I really hope God skims it right off.
Happy is the woman (or man) who can joyously celebrate another couple’s announced pregnancy without feeling a twinge of envy or bitterness!
What’s your most treasured possession?
The stereo that my father gave to me back in 1990. It was worth $1,000 when he bought it and it still works.
You know you are dealing with infertility if . . .
. . . the happy news of other couples inwardly makes you sad or bitter.
. . . your husband no longer flinches upon producing a semen sample.
. . . you can’t go to baby showers.
. . . you start treating other people’s kids a little bit better in the hopes that it will prepare you for loving your own.
. . . you begin to think that IVF isn’t so expensive after all.
A Day in the Life
I’ve been busy working at two libraries instead of just one. This will continue through the end of March. I now realize how insane I am.
I’ve also been seeing a psychiatrist semi-regularly to control my meds. I am only taking one right now: Abilify.
I am trying to get my editorial consultancy off the ground. I’m having a logo made and a website designed. It’s kind of exciting but also scary.
I’ve worked for two clients in the past six months and that has been pretty cool.
I don’t have much to offer by way of thought-provoking pieces, but I thought I’d let you know I’m alive.
What historical event would you attend if you were able to time travel?
Wish if I were white: The Beatles playing at Shea Stadium on August 15, 1965
Wish in general: August 28, 1963 – watching Dr. Martin Luther King deliver his “I Have a Dream” speech
Name a documentary that you think everyone should see.
Waiting for Superman. And I’m not a documentary kind of person.
SEO Fail or Why I Will Never Have High Blog Traffic
I’m not really into 10-step or how-to posts. It’s just not authentic coming from me. But after reading Michael Hyatt’s post on 10 Ways to Generate More Blog Traffic, I suddenly realized I could write a 10-step post on how NOT to get high blog traffic (mostly because it’s nearly anti-everything Hyatt proposes).
1. Market your blog among certain family members.
The main readers of this blog are my husband and mother-in-law. Everyone else is gravy!
2. Don’t comment on blogs unless you have something you really want to say.
I read a few blogs. But often I don’t have anything to say or add to a discussion. I’m not going to post on someone’s blog to add drivel just so I can drive traffic back to my site. But I am likely to like posts on WordPress.
3. Write posts on a variety of subjects. Don’t make your focus too specific.
My blog is not specific to a particular topic except that everything written interests me in some way. The way to get the best blog traffic or visibility is to be topic-specific that appeals to a wide range of people: Michael Hyatt’s focus is on leadership, lifehacker is about productivity and technology, copyblogger is about marketing copy (e.g., blogging, writing, editing, publishing). My focus is too narrow, and quite frankly, not that interesting.
4. Compose content that helps people.
Most of my content on this blog doesn’t help people; it’s simply an outlet for me to express my feelings and share experiences with others. Blogs like that have a difficult time getting high traffic. However, if your shared experience is beneficial in assisting others (as my depression introspection blog is), that blog has the potential for high traffic.
5. Don’t advertise your blog anywhere.
I do not include my blog URL on my email sig lines and no longer auto-post to Facebook (really because of technical difficulties). I have a link posted to Twitter, which probably doesn’t account for most of my traffic. When I comment on the blogs of others (outside of WordPress), I don’t always include a link back to my blog because I see that as pompously self-promoting (only for myself, of course). I do use tags in the hopes of garnering traffic here and there, but I don’t make a real effort to attract people to my site.
6. Post sporadically.
I auto-generated weekly posts to the site back in November and December but that will end sometime in February. After that, posts will crop up here and there as I feel led to post. It’s not very good for blog traffic, especially when you want readers to check your blog regularly for new content. They won’t return after a while if new content hasn’t appeared in 2 weeks. (Sometimes I post once a month!)
7. Draft average, uninteresting blog titles.
This blog post may be an anomaly in bland titles. Or it may simply be average because who knows how many people post on SEO Fail? I write posts on assorted ramblings, infertility, and how I got my name. The blog titles aren’t snazzy or captivating, and for me, that’s okay. I’m not trying very hard to capture the attention of others.
8. Shun search engine optimization tactics.
For depression introspection, I was rabid about employing SEO tactics before I even knew what they were: posting on comments on blogs everywhere, registering my blog in places like Technorati, and using pingbacks religiously. The most I’ve put effort into is BlogHer, and even I don’t keep up with that anymore. BlogHer is a-whole-nother beast.
9. Don’t offer your subscribers anything for subscribing.
I don’t have a free eBook at the ready for my loyal subscribers. And even if I did, I’m not sure what it would be about! It’s like having a guest over to your place and going, “Sorry, I got nothing to offer you but water.” It’s kind of bare. People like to get something in return for being loyal and dedicated. I wouldn’t even know where to begin do anything of that sort.
10. Post fluff and so-so content.
WordPress used to encourage me to write fluff posts courtesy of Plinky. (It doesn’t prompt authors for scheduled posts, only for published posts.) I put fluff posts out there because it’s something written each week, but I’m not really a fan of it because it’s not intellectually stimulating. But hey, it’s my blog! My thoughts won’t always be intellectually provocative, and as such, blog posts may follow suit.
So there are your 10 steps to avoiding high blog traffic. Anybody care to add any others? (Thanks for reading!)
Are there any reality TV shows you’d try out for?
Only a writing competition show. Maybe.
In what ways do you stand out?
I like to think I stand out in particularly bad ways, but that’s only because I’m a pessimist.
1. I rock an afro among a predominantly white community.
2. I don’t always say things that make sense. (I know everyone does this, but I seem to accomplish this feat during moments that prove to be most embarrassing.)
3. I don’t speak like a “typical” black person. (In fact, if I try, I am laughed at by whites and blacks alike.) I have been told I am articulate.
I am just the proofreader.
I have known about your company since its near inception. I had to reject you at first because I was afraid of starting with a company from the ground up. Then several years later, you opened your arms up to me but kept me on the fringes. I’ve been continually rejected from being a full-fledged employee in your company. I am just the proofreader.
I attend your company parties and watch as you dole out thoughtful gifts to your employees. I help your proofreading department and make your materials error free. But you don’t know anything about me, so I do not receive anything. I am just the proofreader.
No one talks to me. No one cares about me beyond a simple “hello.” Everyone is too busy with their tasks or more concerned about their friends already at work. Because, you see, I am just the proofreader.
I polish and proof. I redact and edit. I am the phantom behind the writers. I am just the proofreader.
I am called randomly for work. I get a change in routine. I am paid well for my services. With this, I don’t mind just being the proofreader.
Jesus Prayed and God Said “No”
I’ve been bitter lately because I haven’t been blessed with a child while I’ve watched others conceive and give birth during that time frame. I have not only prayed for a child, but I’ve cried, pleaded, beseeched, begged, and bargained in the hopes that I might be a mom. Alas, that has not been the case. I get bitter and upset with God, not because He’s not answering my prayer—on the contrary, He is answering my prayer—I am dismayed because He is saying no.
I have been praying for various people who have been out of work to obtain full-time jobs. Again, God has been saying no.
In Paul E. Miller’s A Praying Life, he contrasts asking selfishly in prayer against not asking at all.
Jesus’ prayer at Gethsemane demonstrates perfect balance. He avoids the Not Asking cliff, saying, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me” (Mark 14:36).
. . . In the next breath, Jesus avoids the Asking Selfishly cliff by surrendering completely: “Yet not what I will, but what you will” (14:36). Jesus is real about his feelings, but they don’t control him, nor does he try to control God with them. He doesn’t use his ability to communicate with his Father as a means of doing his own will. He submits to the story that his Father is weaving in his life.
And most of us know what happens after Jesus prayed: he was unjustly crucified by the Pharisees and Roman authorities.
Reading that prayer through the lens of A Praying Life struck me with a view I’d never had before: God denied Jesus’ request. Jesus must submit to the Father’s will and not follow his own. If God can say no to his own son, how can I expect a “yes” answer to all of my prayers? This realization is a game-changer for me because I now know in these things I must submit myself to God’s will. God’s will is not for me to have children right now. It is a painful answer as I’m sure temporary separation from the Father was a painful answer for Jesus. It’s a painful answer for God to tell dear friends that they will remain unemployed for several years.
Not that submitting to the will of God will be easy; in fact, it will be even harder knowing I must do it willingly.
This Journey Is My Own 