Author: K

Randomprocity

~ K ~ Leave a comment

So I’ve been silent on the blog, mainly because I have very little to talk about. I’m staying silent on politics because I’ve chosen to be willfully ignorant about the election because I don’t feel like losing friends over elections like I did in 2004 and 2008. To me, it’s just not worth it. (Although I have my uninformed opinions about things.)

Things are still quiet on the infertility front. A medical procedure needs to be performed and we’re waiting on our doctor to give the all-clear for it.

I’ve been exercising regularly for the past week and changing my eating habits, which has so far led to a 1.6-lb weight loss. Hoorah!

What I would really like to do, though, is write a story, but I just don’t have any ideas left in me. I’m consumed by reading a plethora of bad books (Fifty Shades, Phoenix Rising) and hoping that I can somehow conjure up a short story from somewhere inside me. Nothing doin’, though.

When I think of my relationships with my coworkers, it’s very formal and polite. I guess I’m not a casual, relaxing person. I wish I made friends much more easily. When I think of my cousins, they are considerate, thoughtful, and people-oriented.

Shame.

~ K ~ 4 Comments

I recently read a book by Ed Welch called Shame Interrupted. When I told my husband that I don’t really struggle with shame, he challenged me on this: “What about your legs?”

Touché.

The significance of the shame I have of my legs is that I have a condition called ichthyosis combined with eczema. Ichthyosis causes my skin to look pretty bad. In fact, it’s rough, scaly skin akin to that of a fish-like quality. You’ll never catch me wearing shorts or a short skirt without pantyhose outside of my home. That’s shame.

The reason I thought I didn’t deal with shame is because I viewed it as victimization shame, something I have limited knowledge of. I’ve been fortunate not suffer from any physical or sexual abuse so when I think of shame, I often think of the shame associated with being abused. But there’s shame that comes with being picked last for a team in school. There’s shame that comes when everyone knows you got passed over for a job. There’s shame that comes when you realize that you no longer fit into your old clothes because you’ve gotten too big.

So the more I think about it, the more I realize shame is a subject with which I am far too intimately acquainted.

Ed Welch suggests overcoming this a lot of this shame by recognizing Jesus took on shame for us when he went to the cross and died. When he rose again, he also conquered our shame. By trusting in him, we are made clean rather than unclean. We are consecrated rather than contaminated.

But I will probably still wear pants and long skirts.

Watching and Reading

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Recently, I watched a documentary on President Bill Clinton called American Experience: Clinton that I found simply fascinating. It’s amazing how much Clinton’s legacy would have changed had he not gotten involved in the whole Monica Lewinsky affair. I found Clinton to be a fascinating president who, no matter how much experience he had, could have not possibly been prepared for the demands of the office, but still somehow found a way to make tough decisions that weren’t really popular with either party.

I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love and find the book to be dreadful. This isn’t the first memoir that I’ve read (Mennonite in a Little Black Dress was better) so I’m surprised by how much I dislike the author who left her husband, engaged in an extramarital affair during the divorce process, and proceeded to bribe a customs official during her stay in Bali, Indonesia. I’m surprised the book was as popular as it was given that the author seems to be self-absorbed (more so in the first third of the book rather than toward the end). Although reading Ms. Gilbert’s tripe make me want to write tripe of my own.

On the other hand, I just finished Man in the Music about Michael Jackson’s music and artistry and found that to be insightful and intriguing. I’d recommend that book for anyone who is interested in Michael Jackson and his work. It’s a five-star book.

Do you remember your favorite book from childhood?

~ K ~ 3 Comments

My favorite series of books were the Sweet Valley Twins/High series. To be honest, I liked the Twins (middle grade) series better than the High series. I think I maybe touched one SVU book and didn’t find it particularly intriguing.

2012 Mid-Year Goals Check In

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1. Schedule a blog post for each week
FAIL. I forgot about this. It’ll be more realistic for me to schedule a blog post for each month.

2. Go to the gym on Tuesdays for at least 15 minutes
FAIL. We are down to one car making it almost impossible for me to go to the gym during weekdays. This goal will be revised to go to the gym on Sundays for at least 15 minutes.

3. Strength train Mondays and Thursdays a week for at least 15 minutes
FAIL. I’ve forgotten about my strength training goals. This goal will be revised to strength train on Mondays.

4. Put aside $25 per paycheck ($50/month) for website redesign in March 2012 (before website expiration in April)
SUCCESS! My website has been redesigned.

5. Combat discontent by listing 3 things every day that I’m grateful for
FAIL. I’ve fallen off the wagon with that as well. I will list 3 things every night in my journal.

6. Relax 2 times a month on the Sabbath (a day off, not necessarily Sunday) by reading, listening to music, dancing, napping, meditating, watching a movie (something fun) for most of the day
SUCCESS! I’ve been relaxing more.

7. Read a book for at least 15 minutes 3 times a week
SUCCESS! I am ahead of my reading.

8. Read 36 books (3 books a month) by December 31
SUCCESS! I am on track to surpass this goal.

9. Complete half of manuscript rewrite by June 2012 (Work on 10 pages once a week on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Saturdays for 2 hours)
SUCCESS! My manuscript is complete.

10. Complete rewrite of manuscript by December 2012
SUCCESS! See previous point.

11. Edit for 1 new client this year
IN PROCESS. I haven’t had a new client yet but the year isn’t over…

Diagnosed with Chronic Mono/Fatigue Syndrome

~ K ~ 3 Comments

I discovered on Tuesday that I suffer from chronic mononucleosis caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. One of the symptoms is constant fatigue, which I can’t do much about. The chronic mono would explain why I feel tired most days and lack energy. As my husband warned me today, I have to be vigilant not to use it as an excuse for laziness. But I have been able to sleep for long periods of time when I have nothing scheduled.

My doctor has recommended that I take a supplement called Virastop 2x to combat the virus. I’m not sure if it’ll work, but it’s the best chance I have to get my energy back.

Mundane Blogging: Beta

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Today I went to work and had an uneventful day. I always look forward to coming home at the end of a long day.

I’m a little sad, though, because my favorite show, NBC’s “The Voice,” has finished its second season so I don’t have that to look forward to at the end of this long day. I may try watching “America’s Got Talent” if I’m really bored.

The weekend was nice. I had a good Mother’s Day with my mother and did my best to really focus on her. However, I couldn’t help feel sad throughout most of the day. One lady wished me a “Happy Future Mother’s Day,” and I thought that was sweet. I hope she’s right one day.

 

Mother’s Day

~ K ~ 2 Comments
Image Credit: David Castillo Dominici

My mother will be visiting for Mother’s Day, which I’m thankful for because it takes the sting out of a holiday that’s become painful in recent years.

In dealing with infertility, I am well too aware that I am not a mom and the normal, everyday of life of baby showers, pregnant women, and children remind me of this. I don’t have much to say on this topic except that it’s not the happiest or joyous occasion for every woman. Some women are crying over the fact that they have not been able to have children of their own—whether it be through adoption or natural childbearing.

When I started the journey toward having children, I never anticipated that the journey would be so long and arduous. It comes so easily and naturally for those who want it and those who don’t, why not us?

This is a time when I must remind myself to hope in God regardless of how I want to feel toward Him. Because I want to be angry. I want to be bitter. I want to blame Him for my barren womb. But I remember so many of the women who came before, especially Hannah, Samuel’s mother, and I try to remember their faithfulness to God. I want to not give up. I want to have hope. I want to hope because that’s part of my faith.

Mundane Blogging: Alpha

~ K ~ 4 Comments
Image Credit: Evgeni Dinev

It’s a shame that I’ve got this good ol’ blog that I don’t use or touch regularly. So perhaps I’ll try posting more mundane posts. Posts that I think no one really cares about. (Let’s see how long this lasts.) Oh, like, something that would qualify as a Facebook status update: Today was a nice day.

Wait, I’m already cheapening my own post.

In all seriousness, today was a relatively good day. I worked my 3-hour shift in the children’s section of the library and endured a 2-hour drive to and from Philly (with my husband) for a 15-minute appointment with my psychiatrist. Thank God my psychiatrist is so good he’s worth the gas.

My husband (J) and I stopped at Bed Bath & Beyond to return an item and purchase some new sheets since we just lost two to wear and (literal) tear. We also spent time bumbling around trying to remember what it was that we wanted to buy at BB&B but couldn’t remember. (To this moment, we still haven’t remembered.) Then on a whim, we ate at Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza for an early dinner only to discover that the only chicken on the menu were their specialty wings. My husband can’t eat any meat other than poultry due to his gout so the lack of chicken as a topping option was a real letdown. We ended up having an eggplant pizza along with their chicken wings, which were both good.

In addition to attending Bible study tonight, I managed to send off my manuscript to two beta readers in the hopes that I’ll get valuable feedback soon.

Ah yes, my unpublished, completed manuscript. It is tentatively called Getting Right with God and is 19 chapters long and 315 pages wide with 92,538 words and a Flesch-Kincaid Reading Level of 5.2. (Only 2 percent of my sentences are passive!) Now, I need to format it so it follows standard manuscript format and prepare it for—the horror!—querying agents. And now the editor has turned author andI’m the one who needs to pay an editor to review my work.

Bonus of the Day: J gifted Norah Jones’s latest album, Little Broken Hearts, to me. It’s only $5.00 on Amazon in May 2012.

 

Ramblin’ Rose

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National Infertility Awareness Week

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week, and I’m all too aware that I don’t have kids. So what’s next? What does raising awareness about infertility mean?

It’s about learning to be sensitive to childless couples, especially those who are struggling to conceive children. Here’s an old post I wrote about Six Ways to Be Considerate of Childless Couples.

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Beyonce

Beyonce was just named by People Magazine as the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. I, for one say, Beyonce is overrated. She’s a very beautiful individual, no doubt, but really, People Mag couldn’t find any other woman in the WORLD who is prettier? I’m on Beyonce overload anyway after her whole pregnancy and made-up after-birth photos. (Who looks that polished after just having kids? I mean, really.)

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People Assuming I Like Barack Obama Because I’m Black

My blackness does not equal a love for the first black president. It’s just that simple. It does not necessarily translate into a love for the other political side either.

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Michelle Obama

I have no issues with the First Lady and I’m baffled with people who do. I mean, she isjust the First Lady. She ain’t Barack running the country. But that’s just me.

Anxiety. Depression. Suicidal Thoughts.

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Anxiety. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. They are all rolled up in one.

I am anxious about a lot of things these days. From something as mundane as sitting here typing on the computer to driving to cold calling a prospective client (which may never pan out because I’m too anxious to call right now). My anxiety has been debilitating in the past where I didn’t want to leave my home, and I fear it’s getting to the point of debilitation again on some days.

My anxiety depresses me. It keeps me from doing things that no one would think twice about. But here I sit, a prisoner in my own body, freaking out about nearly everything. To escape this, combined with my severe lethargy, I crawl into bed and sleep, hoping that when I wake up, things will be better. But they usually are not.

Please don’t get me wrong. I have a life many people would envy: a loving husband, a supportive family, and a steady job. I am thankful for the good things in my life. But this attitude of thankfulness and gratefulness doesn’t take away the depression inside of me.

I do not want to go back to the hospital. If I fear anything worse than death, it may be going back to a psych hospital. I have passing suicidal thoughts about hanging myself, but I haven’t been able to act upon it. I can’t determine whether I am a harm to myself in which case I would need to go to the hospital. The point of the hospital (for me) is to get me away from things that would cause immediate harm to myself. But I can’t be locked up in a hospital forever. (I guess I could in a state institution but that would be a nightmare.)

Somehow, existing in this jumbled mix is me. Somewhere inside, I am bubbly, wonderfully wacky, and beautifully strange. The depression and anxiety fuzz all of that. I am only some of what I used to be. I go to sleep, hoping for some kind of reprieve from this dark cloud that hangs over me.

Depression: Physiological or Psychological?

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Perhaps this is a post that belongs on my depression introspection blog, but since I’ve already put a recent post up over there, I’ll post my “think out loud” thoughts on this blog.

When it comes to depression, I still very much struggle with accepting the physiological aspect of it. Doctors don’t order MRIs and blood tests to diagnose a severe bout of depression; it’s based solely on affect and the patient’s report of symptoms (e.g., fatigue, loss of interest, suicidal thoughts). As I mused in “Should psych drugs be avoided at ALL costs?“, I wasn’t anti-medication then and I’m not anti-medication now. I just don’t see it as something that will help me. Lamictal, when I was on it, made me stable but I suffered from poor cognitive functioning, fatigue, and dizzy spells. The Abilify has been better in terms of cognitive functioning but I suffer from lethargy something serious.

The reason I began this post is to wonder about depression in the Christian’s life: is it physiological, is it psychological, or is it a mix of the two? (And of course, why would it be any different in a Christian’s life than in a non-Christian’s life?)

I’ve been grappling with the idea that maybe if I pray more, read my Bible more, and grow closer to Jesus, I’ll feel better. Although I know that’s not necessarily true. But I also don’t buy into the idea that if I get the right combination of medicine into my system, I will feel better. My psych wants to put me on a combination of Abilify and Prozac. Oh boy. I’m afraid to try life on an SSRI again. Although according to an old post about fluoxetine (Prozac), the worst side effect I suffered was somnolence (sleepiness) and I didn’t report any problems with suicidal thoughts after withdrawal so it might be safe to take.

I am still no closer to answering the question of whether depression is physiological or psychological. I lean toward psychological, but is it really just mind over matter? What do you think?

Why I Don’t Like Downton Abbey

~ K ~ 14 Comments

I work at the library and much ado has been made of the phenomenon that is Downton Abbey. At one point, there were 200 people (including me) waiting to discover why Downton Abbey was great. Well, I can tell you for all of the great raves about it, I was heartily disappointed. Why, oh why? (WARNING: Spoilers ahead.)

1. Mary, one of the main characters, isn’t very likeable. Mary is a central character, someone the viewer is supposed to feel sympathy for since she is the eldest and must marry her next of kin (a cousin) to inherit her estate and fortune. It’s a shame then that Mary comes off as dour and bitter, which makes me feel even less sorry for her state of affairs.

2. Edith, Mary’s sister, isn’t very likeable either. Edith is a very secondary character but she doesn’t invoke sympathy either. In fact, she is the scheming sister willing to take her sister’s leftover suitors if they’ll have her.

3. Cora, Mary’s mother, is like a white wall—there but uninteresting. Cora should be a character who is more interesting, especially since she ends up getting pregnant later on in the season, but it seems as if she’s more there to help events plod along rather than being a central party to them.

4. Thomas and O’Brien are pure evil. I know, I know. Not everyone can be as great as Bates, Anna, and Gwen and there MUST be some antagonists but I couldn’t even sympathize with their villainous behavior. Is Thomas mean because he’s gay and can’t come out publicly? Is O’Brien a bitch because she smokes? I’m making stuff up; I don’t have any idea. There’s nothing to help me figure out why these two act the way they do.

5. I could care less about the entail. To be honest, I didn’t even know what it was when I started watching the show and by part three, it had been mentioned so many times that I thought I ought to look it up in the dictionary. After I discovered what it was, I suddenly realized the show’s premise revolved around Mary (a character I didn’t like) and the entail. Considering that I didn’t care about the entail from the get-go and still didn’t as the show went on, I realized that the main premise of the show hadn’t sucked me in. That’s a fail for me being interested in a show.

6. I discovered I don’t care for period drama. This is probably one of my main issues. When Sybil (the youngest sister) buys a pair of bloomers and everyone looks at her in shock, I rolled my eyes. I had a hard time accepting the show for the time period that it was in, which isn’t the show’s fault. It just isn’t my cup of tea.

7. It’s a soap opera. One of Mary’s suitors dies after orgasm (it’s not explicit but implied) and Mary, Cora, and Mary’s maid Anna haul him back to his bedroom to be discovered in the morning. All I could think after seeing that was, “Really?” This happens in episode two or three of the season and I kept watching to see if it was a one-off episode or if the show would build off the events of “poor Mr. Pamuk.” (I especially feel even less sorry for Mary during the whole ordeal.) It turns out the show appeared to be heading in the direction of building off of the event, and I immediately realized I’d have to keep watching a show that was bound to get more and more far fetched as it went along. I gave up midway through season one.

Granted, the acting isn’t bad, the script isn’t terrible, there are some characters who are likeable. (Maggie Smith, of course, is excellent.) But with the combination of everything I outlined above, the show was bound to be a disaster for me. If you like Downton Abbey, congratulations. If you don’t, I’d love to hear from you and your reasons in the comments below.

P.S. I really, really wanted to like the show just because it’s been so hyped up. Le sigh. Thank God for BBC’s Sherlock.

Culture of Judgment

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I’ve been thinking that it’s next to impossible to be an American (or a Westerner for that matter) and not be judgmental. We pride ourselves on “judgmentalism.” With shows like American Idol, Survivor, and X-Factor, Americans play judge and jury on contestants. We are the civilized form of ancient Romans eagerly watching which contestant will dodge the tiger each week.

I am paranoid about people judging me. But as Jesus challenges me to pull the beam out of my own eye (Matt. 7:4-5), I find that not only am I judgmental but I encourage my judgmental attitude by watching TV shows that propagate the cycle. I cannot call others out for being judgmental when I am guilty of the same and expose myself to viewing that enables my sin.

I don’t know how I will be able to fully extricate myself from a culture of judgment. But I must ask forgiveness for my heart and try to remain pure so that a beam isn’t so badly poking my eye when I see this fault in others.