1. Schedule a blog post for each week Schedule a blog post for each month. FAIL.I totally blew off November.
2. Go to the gym on Tuesdays for at least 15 minutes Go to the gym on Sundays for at least 15 minutes FAIL.I have simply been too lazy and too tired to make it to the gym on Sundays.
3. Strength train Mondays and Thursdays a week for at least 15 minutes Strength train on Mondays FAIL. I have not strength trained at all in the past 2 or 3 months.
4. Put aside $25 per paycheck ($50/month) for website redesign in March 2012 (before website expiration in April) SUCCESS! My website has been redesigned.
5. Combat discontent by listing 3 things every day that I’m grateful for I will list 3 things every night in my journal FAIL.I’ve failed to do this regularly.
6. Relax 2 times a month on the Sabbath (a day off, not necessarily Sunday) by reading, listening to music, dancing, napping, meditating, watching a movie (something fun) for most of the day SUCCESS! I’ve been relaxing more.
7. Read a book for at least 15 minutes 3 times a week SUCCESS! I am ahead of my reading.
8. Read 36 books (3 books a month) by December 31 SUCCESS! I have surpassed this goal.
9. Complete half of manuscript rewrite by June 2012 (Work on 10 pages once a week on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Saturdays for 2 hours) SUCCESS! My manuscript is complete.
10. Complete rewrite of manuscript by December 2012 SUCCESS! See previous point.
11. Edit for 1 new client this year SUCCESS! I scored a new client this year.
Reading Anne Lamott makes me want to write. Is that the mark of a good writer? One who encourages other writers to write?
I am reading Bird by Bird, her book on writing and life. To overcome writer’s block, she encourages her readers (who are writers) to write 300 words a day.
Three hundred words a day. I can do that. Right?
—
I have a memory book that I’m writing. In it all are the memories that I can possibly remember. Believe it or not, I don’t remember much. Only about 20 pages’ worth of memories in a small journal out of who knows how many pages possible. 200? Although I have 20 years of journals to sort through and read to remind myself of all the horrible things that have happened to me. Because, of course, I am notorious for recording the negative events in my life rather than the positive ones.
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Perhaps the following really belongs on my depression introspection blog, but I’ve had a really great year. Since my father died 11 years ago, 2012 has been the best year I’ve had mentally. Physically, I’m still dealing with chronic mono, but I hope that 2013 will bring a year of renewed mindfulness and energy. Normally, the fall and winter months (especially the Christmas season) bring with it sadness and depression, but thank the LORD, it’s been at bay this year. I’m finally accepting my father’s death and doing my best to move forward. I’ve accepted the fact that another year has gone by that I’m not a mother, and that’s okay. Forward. It was President Obama’s slogan during his re-election campaign, but it holds so much meaning for me. I will not let a political campaign co-opt a word that describes how I need to look toward the future.
—
I am trying to read a Bible chapter daily and pray daily. I am using Health Month to do this. I still have not succeeded in exercising. I do not know that I will ever succeed in exercising. I start then stop, in fits, like traffic on the congested Belt Parkway. I do not know that I have grown closer to God. But I am walking by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). I am reading about the Old Testament God—the Heavenly Father who was all wrath and anger and appeasement by animal sacrifice. I like the New Testament God—Jesus, the Incarnation, who is all love and human and emotional. Reading about God through Genesis makes me so glad for Jesus in the four Gospels.
“Whose god then is God? They all want jurisdiction. In the Book of Earth, whose god spread fear? Spread love?” —Tori Amos
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I fear that my Mac is not long for this world. It is one of the discontinued 13″ white Macbooks (I almost wrote Powerbook—whew!). I don’t use it for anything anymore except to play music and to sync my iPhone to. It was playing music when the song came upon a discordant note and the note kept playing over and over and over and… well, you get the point. It was like a CD permanently skipping. I had to force restart my Mac by holding down the Power button. But unlike the devotees of Mac, I simply cannot afford to buy a new Mac laptop of any sort. It is much too much expensive. But then again, I haven’t been sucked into the cult of Mac when it comes to computers. If I really loved Macs, I’d spend the money. But I don’t. I’d rather plunk down the cash and get a touchscreen Windows laptop for maybe as much money (or a fraction of the cost—I’m not sure how much touchscreen laptops run these days).
I am definitely an “i” girl. I use iTunes, love my iPhone, own an iPod Shuffle and and iPod Touch, and would like an iPad. Apple has won me over in the mobile department. But I figure I can make things work on Windows if need be. I would plunk down the money for an iPad. I just haven’t yet.
—
Look at that. More than 700 words. And the goal was simply to write 300. Can I keep this up? I need to whether it’s through blogging, article writing, or fiction creation. I won’t get better as a writer otherwise.
I’d like to think that I’m especially good at something, but really, I’m especially good at not much.
I’m very much a retainer rather than a giver. A sponge rather than Santa Claus. I absorb information rather than disseminate it. I’d like for this to change. I’d love one day to teach a class on writing. But I don’t even know how I do it myself. Then I wonder if I should teach a class on editing. But I decide that it’s one of those things that I’m better at doing rather than telling people how to do. I don’t even know where to begin.
What is a writer’s voice? Each writer has a distinct voice, one that immediately envelops you like a soft blanket, that is, if you like it.
One of the definitions Merriam-Webster provides is “the faculty of utterance.” In other words, the ability to say something. Ernest Hemingway had a voice, James Patterson has a voice, and Anne Lamott has her own voice. I don’t know what my voice is. I wouldn’t know if it were good, bad, interesting, or unusual. Perhaps that’s why I need to continue writing and keep practicing. Keep writing ’til I find my voice.
I’d like to write a memoir. But as with many things, it may never get done because I fear that I am not funny or interesting enough. Regardless, I have a memory book and I’m trying to record all of my memories. Especially those of my father, which are fading. I am bummed that many of my happy memories are gone replaced with such stupidness as the Korean lyrics to “Gangnam Style.”
I have many—and I’m talking 10 or more—journals or diaries, whatever you want to call them, that have recorded memories over the course of my lifetime since I was 10. Of course, I didn’t record all the major events. (I don’t know that I recorded when I found out my dad died or when I got married.) I just recorded all the mundane things about life.
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I’m reading books by Anne Lamott who is obviously a progressive, liberal Democrat. (She is a native Californian after all.) What that has to do with anything, I’m not sure but it comes through in her writing in Grace (Eventually). And I only wish that I had half the wit and talent in my whole body that Ms. Lamott has in her pinkie finger. I know she’ll tell me it’s work. I am reading her work on writing called Bird by Bird. Ms. Lamott has quite the way with words and metaphors that I can sit here forever and hope to come up with. But no, I’m more like James Patterson in my writing: just the bare bones “facts, ma’am.” I have a “voice”; I just don’t know what it is.
—
I’ve been thinking a lot about writing an article on infertility from a Christian perspective for various websites. I’m three years into this infertility journey, certainly not as long as many people that I’ve encountered, but it’s long enough to understand the ins and outs of the process. I can talk about my experience, my husband’s experience, and our unique journey together. At this point, it’s a matter of getting myself together and overcoming that initial rejection that comes with the query process.
I haven’t posted on this blog in a long time, and it’s mainly because I haven’t had anything of consequence to say. I like to post when I have profound things to spout, and that hasn’t been the case in the past few weeks/months. Elections have come and gone (I knew Obama would win re-election), disasters have come and gone (Sandy hit NY and NJ hard), and places have come and gone (I’m no longer at the library where I first began my library job).
I’ve taken to writing nearly daily in a bound journal. I don’t know that it’s always cathartic, but it is very helpful to my ability to sort my feelings out about different matters. Take, for instance, God.
I received Anne Lamott’s Help, Thanks, Wow book from Barnes & Noble today. Yay! I read it in just over an hour. She refers to God as some sort of maternal deity but I like the paternal-ness of the Bible. That might be because I miss my own father.
What did I learn? There are three essential prayers: help, thanks, and wow. I’d agree with this, if for nothing else, in the texting age, it is much easier and more succinct to communicate those three words than to write out the entire Lord’s Prayer. I believe “wow” acknowledges the greatness and awesomeness of God while “thanks” expresses our gratitude. Then “help” is our supplication. We are asking—maybe even begging—for an answer to our request.
Perhaps I’ve written about this before—probably likely on a blog—but God answers all prayers with the following answers: Yes, No, Not Yet. Not Yes is where [my husband] and I are in our prayer for a child. No is God’s answer to me becoming a successful, let alone GOOD singer. Yes is God’s answer to me being able to freelance.
Not Yet is the most common answer from God, I believe, because He rarely answers prayer definitively right away. Our prayer for a child isn’t necessarily “no,” it’s “not yet.” For four years, God’s answer to [a friend] who sought a full-time position of employment was “not yet.” Clearly His answer was not “no” or [he] would not be gainly employed right now. But not yet can feel a lot like “no.” And in some ways, it is “no”—for the time being. God has said no to J and I for the time being about having a child. But it’s a synonym for not yet. This I believe.
I kinda went on a tangent about prayer and getting it answered, but I’ve probably said before, I’m not as orthodox about God as I used to be. … But is it OK to think that God is maternal? Like an Aunt Jemima, pancake-flippin’ black lady with an apron on as depicted in The Shack? I guess so. Why not right? Male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27). God’s got to have some maternal in him to create females, right? And all humans are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).
[Next entry]
I don’t think I got around to writing about what I wanted to write about yesterday: how I feel about God. I do believe Jesus is the only way to heaven but apart from that, all hell could break loose. I believe in love. Whether it’s Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve. I don’t believe Catholicism is a one-way ticket to hell. Female ministers are not the worse things in Christendom. And go ahead and baptize little babies if that’s your fancy. I’m a liberal. Oh noes! I believe in developing one’s spirituality. Jesus Christ and him glorified. But at what cost? I don’t believe in beating my coworkers over the head with proselytizing (like I used to).
I’ve come so far from my emergent church posts. Maybe I’m Rob Bell-ish now. Maybe Love Wins. Maybe I can refer to God as her. (Although I probably won’t.)
All I really know for certain is love is all there is. —Sheryl Crow
I look at others and often think, I’m not as successful as so-and-so who has a moderately trafficked blog (or writes for Reuters or appears on television). There are so many people I can compare myself to, and yes, it’s a bad habit, I know— comparing myself to others.
But I overlook the fact that I’m successful in my own way. I am juggling three clients for my editing business and have a fourth (a company that I’ve had to turn down repeatedly) knocking at my door. I should feel as though I’ve attained some level of achievement seeing as I’m actually pulling in enough hours to constitute a part-time job. But I don’t. I’m never happy with what I’ve done or achieved. Once I’ve hit a goal, I almost never pat myself on the back for a job well done; I’m setting a new goal that’s even harder to obtain and often dismiss the goal that I’ve attained as merely being too easy.
Am I being too vague? Perhaps. I just know that I need to bask in the momentary glow of my success a little bit more rather than brushing it aside as a speck of dust.
I took a Pew Research Center quiz that determined I was a New Coalition Democrat, or rather likely to be a member of the New Democrat Coalition. I’ve been on a journey to determine whether I am a true Democrat or whether I was just avoiding becoming a Republican because I see the tough road Black Republicans must tread. I’ve discovered that my political positions indeed do lean Democrat and here’s why:
Pro-gay rights. Give gays the right to marry. (Or simply give consenting adults the right to marry.)
I believe the way to reduce the debt is to cut spending and raise taxes. (I am dubious of any politician who promises reducing the debt without raising taxes.)
Anti-death penalty. Abolish the death penalty federally.
Give amnesty to illegal immigrants. Force them to pay taxes and graft them into a path to citizenship.
I believe there are still social inequalities for racial minorities that sometimes need government (state or federal) intervention.
Here’s why I thought I leaned Republican:
Anti-abortion. Abolish abortion except for extreme cases.
Religion is an important aspect of my life. I am a born-again Christian. (They tend to vote Republican.)
My household is financially well off.
I don’t believe businesses are generally evil. Most businesses seek to make a good and honest profit. (Now that I’m in business for myself, I understand the concept of profit a little bit better.)
Welfare should have term limits. After five years, able-bodied citizens should begin working at McDonald’s or be cut off from government benefits.
I think wars are sometimes necessary, although I am a strong advocate of extensive diplomacy. I am not isolationist.
Apparently, my so-called Republican leanings simply make me a centrist Democrat rather than a left-leaning liberal. According to the Pew Research Center, the following describes members of the New Democrat Coalition (estimated to be 10 percent of the public):
What They Believe
Strongly pro-government
Upbeat about the country’s ability to solve problems and an individual’s ability to get ahead through hard work
Approve of regulation and environmental protection
More positive about business than other Democratic-oriented groups
Generally liberal on racial issues
Hospitable to immigrants: 78% believe they strengthen society
Very religious and socially conservative
Who They Are
56% are Democrats
Majority-minority group: 34% white, 30% black and 26% Latino
About three-in-ten are first or second generation Americans
55% have only a high school education or less
23% are not registered to vote
Only 34% read a daily newspaper
Half are regular volunteers for charity or non-profit groups
I’ve been working in the library system for 2 years now, and as I move from one library to another, I want to take the time to reflect on what I’ve learned from working at the library.
1. Most people are nice.I can think of only once incident in which I’ve had a bad experience. That’s not bad for 2 years gone by.
2. Most people want a friendly face. Even if the patron just wants to get in and out very quickly, they usually appreciate a friendly face who is courteous and willing to help them. Often, they will return a smile.
3. Libraries are more than just books. Libraries are community centers where people can get access to the latest movies, music, and audiobooks along with the ability to use computers and take advantage of quality programming.
4. Libraries are the 411 of knowledge. Want to know whether the “a” in “at” in Sergeant-at-Arms is capitalized? (That’s a real question I’ve received.) We can answer that for you. Want to know whether Mrs. Jones still lives on 123 Main Street in King of Prussia, PA? If it’s public knowledge, we can tell you.
5. Libraries aren’t the quiet places they used to be. You can easily find children screaming or running around. In the children’s department at one library I’ve worked at, we were allowed to play music to showcase our musical selection. And with the population getting older and unfortunately getting hard of hearing, you can hear circulation clerks talking a bit loudly. In fact, circulation clerks are probably the loudest people in the library next to small children.
6. Gone are the days of no food or drink. One library I know of has a small cafe area that sells coffee, beverages, cookies, and fruit. Other libraries I know of don’t bat an eye if your drink is too close for comfort near a CPU (central processing unit). Didn’t finish your drink from Starbucks? Feel free to bring it on in!
7. It’s not necessary to know the Dewey decimal system as in the days of yore. The Dewey decimal system is still in use, and some knowledge of it is helpful, but if you want to find comic books, you likely can head straight for the graphic novels section instead of browsing through 741. Some libraries have even ventured to put subject classifications up, e.g., Art, Economics, World War II, Travel so you can browse for things yourself instead of needing to ask whether 917 is still U.S. travel or whether the 200s still house religion.
8. In the case of children’s series, it’s no longer necessary to know the author. Many libraries now have series sections for popular titles such as Magic Tree House, Diary of Wimpy Kid, or 39 Clues. This process simplifies things greatly, especially in the case of the 39 Clues books, which can be written by multiple authors and would be spread throughout.
9. Many libraries now offer a vast selection of e-books, e-audiobooks, and even music. Got an e-reader? It is most likely compatible with the library’s online lending service. Some libraries with large budgets can lend music online, and others with limited budgets simply offer e-books. This online lending service is at little to no cost and often incurs zero fines. Check with your local library if they offer e-books for download and how to take advantage of this valuable service.
10. Check out a magazine! Really want to read last week’s issue of People magazine? Wanted to flip through last month’s InStyle but it’s already off the stands? You have the option of either leisurely flipping through a magazine at the library or checking it out for a minimum of one week.
11. Need information on local history? Your local library probably has a local history section with archives and niche publications.
12. Can’t find the latest release of a movie or album? Ask at the desk! Often, when movies or music are just released, you won’t see them on the shelves because they are out circulating with other patrons. The best way to ensure you get your hands on new material is to ask circulation assistants or reference librarians. They can either check the back office to see if it’s sitting on their shelves waiting to be put out or they can add your name to a waiting list. That way, you won’t have to walk into the library every week hoping you’ll finally see the new release you’ve been waiting for. (And you probably won’t see popular titles for months if you’re not on a list.)
Those are just some of the things I’ve learned from working at a library. What have you learned about the library that you didn’t know before?
I will not be a Black Republican because I prefer the path of least resistance. I am not a trailblazer, and I don’t like going against the grain. However, I don’t like President Obama’s pro-abortion policies, and I do not think this country is better off after four years of having him as president. However, I do support the Democratic Party platform of marriage equality for gays. But I also don’t want to be told to vote for Obama.
On the flip side, I’m not sold on Mitt Romney either. I’m not sold on the Romney-Ryan ticket, but I don’t like seeing people attack them more ferociously than the President. While I support the Republican party’s pro-life stance, I don’t want a constitutional amendment (or anything legislative) guaranteeing marriage as something between a man and a woman only. I’m not sold on Republican ideas of getting the economy going again, but the Democrats (President Obama especially) have failed to do anything.
I admit, I’m sympathetic to minority Republicans because they believe strongly enough in the political arena to catch flak from their fellow minorities who are likely Democrats. People like Condoleeza Rice, Susana Martinez, and Marco Rubio provide hope that the Republican party won’t remain “the good ol’ White boys club.”
But I don’t know that I’ll vote for Romney. I don’t know if I’ll vote at all.
Yes, I admit it: I was one of those people who gave up on Alanis after her Unplugged album. When I heard “Hands Clean” from Under Rug Swept, I disowned her as the voice of my tortured soul.
When Jagged Little Pill came out, I was a teenager scorned who had never had a boyfriend but a series of crushes that went all wrong. “Ya Oughta Know” screamed my angst and pain, “Perfect” explained the pressures I felt from my parents to be the overachieving, A+ child, and “You Learn” reminded me that life taught me lessons that I would have to learn from. Morissette’s follow up, Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie still had the right amount of angst for me. 1998 was the year that I became a Christian, but was still searching for inner peace. “Baba” was a cynical song about Eastern religion that I identified with as I wasn’t fully sold on Buddhism, “Thank U” reminded me to be thankful to God and the universe for all the blessings life afforded me, and “Heart of the House” inspired me to become the “goddess” of my home one day.
Most people thought Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie was a let-down, but I thought it was an astonishing sophomore follow-up. Unplugged was my last Morissette album. “No Pressure Over Cappuccino” spoke about the paradoxes of life to me, and “Princes Familiar” made me think that one day, just one day, I’d meet a man who treated me like a princess the way my father always treated me. (That dream has come true, by the way.)
Then I heard “Hands Clean” and thought, Alanis doesn’t speak for me anymore. I need angst. Alanis sucks without the angst. But that’s because I had just gotten out of a relationship gone wrong, and suddenly songs like No Doubt’s “Ex-Girlfriend” were speaking for me.
But I’m rediscovering Alanis. She has grown out of her angst and so have I, making me more receptive to her softer, more contemplative side. Now, I am going through and listening to havoc and bright lights, Flavors of Entanglement, So-Called Chaos, and Under Rug Swept only to realize that I can still identify with her songs but on a different level than before. I’ve grown older with Alanis Morissette, and I’m glad that she didn’t stay trapped in her angst because really, who wants to experience that emotion forever? She would have been stagnant as an artist and artistry is all about evolving. And art sure imitates life.
I got a manicure today and as soon as I got home, I ruined some of it (as you can see by the thumb). The nail polish wasn’t mine so I can’t fix it. But what I can do is learn three things from my manicure:
1. People aren’t perfect. The lady cutting my cuticles left a glaring one hanging that I cut myself when I got home. But I can’t expect her to be perfect and see every detail, just as I can’t expect myself to be perfect and catch every detail.
2. Life is messy. My nails aren’t quite what I would like them to be. Just like life. You think you’ve got things all figured out and suddenly life puts a huge dent in your flawless manicure. Life won’t turn out how you expect it to.
3. All things will pass. My manicure won’t last forever and crappy things don’t last forever. In a week, I will not care about the smudge on my thumb because it will not be there. Most troubles will come and go; what will remain are the lessons we’ve learned.
A bonus: most things are fine. Most of my nails look great. Those are the ones I can show off. Most things in life tend to be fine. It’s just the glaring, obvious problems that tend to get our attention. But when you consider everything that’s going on in your life, most things are going well (especially if you have the ability to read this).
Can you name one thing going well in your life in spite of feeling like things are going wrong?
I’m in the midst of a busy season this July. Fresh off a fun weekend with my cousins who live near Washington, D.C., I’m back at work until Thursday evening when I go visit my other cousin who lives near Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I finished my 9-day proofreading stint at the advertising agency and registered with another advertising agency that may need my editorial services off-site.
I’m really excited about the new advertising agency as a client. It will help me to build my repertoire, hone my skills, and do what I love to do on a more regular basis while still being able to work at the library to bring in steady income.
I just finished 9-day stint at a contract job as a proofreader/editor. I’m sorry to say that I think I did a piss-poor job. I wish I could have talked to someone there about it, but alas, I was just the freelancer.
I worked full-time for 9 days and it has just about worn me out. My body is so used to working part-time that temporarily working full-time wreaked hell on my body. My sleep has gotten better, though, because I’m so exhausted at the end of the day.
Reading material on paper all day has made me not want to read books at the end of the day. My eyes are tired. I’m lucky to be even typing this.
I haven’t been able to do any deep thinking lately because all of my time has been occupied by working the daily 9-5 grind. I’m devoid of interesting things to say.
Working my contract job has made me wonder if I still have the chops to be a good editor. Whether I’m still cut out for editing and writing. Whether I’m good at anything at all any more. I feel discouraged about my career. If I’m not good at anything other than checking people in and out at the library, maybe I shouldn’t quit my day job after all.
I will not be a Black Republican because I prefer the path of least resistance. I am not a trailblazer, and I don’t like going against the grain. However, I don’t like President Obama’s pro-abortion policies, and I do not think this country is better off after four years of having him as president. However, I do support the Democratic Party platform of marriage equality for gays. But I also don’t want to be told to vote for Obama.
This Journey Is My Own 