Attempting to live and breathe for an audience of one
If I could be a mistress of any kill in the world, I’d want to conquer the field of singing.
I love to sing, but unfortunately I’m not terrific at it. I’m also not terrible but if you heard me singing in a crowd, you wouldn’t look over to see the fantastic voice belting a tune. I’m just decent. And I hate to be just decent at anything. I guess it’s better than being bad, but yesh, singing is a skill I would love to be master (er, rather, mistress) of.
In the past few years, I have a variety of tools that I’ve used to help me stay organized and on track. It’s been hard to make the switch from paper to digital. But I’ve done it.
First and foremost these days is Google Calendar. Without Google Calendar, I would probably still be using a paper calendar as my primary form of staying organized. Google Calendar is easy to use and easy to sync to nearly any mobile device. I have Google Calendar synced to my iPhone and iPad. I don’t bother using any other calendar app including Apple’s iCal. If anything were to happen to Google Calendar, I’d probably go back to using a paper calendar. (Although I’d hate it because it wouldn’t be nearly as convenient.)
I also use Appigo’s ToDo on my iPhone as my primary to-do list. It is $4.99 through the App Store, but in my opinion, well worth the price. It is simple, easy to use, and does a variety of things that I need it to do such as repeating tasks on a daily, weekly, biweekly, or monthly basis. I have the option of creating a regular task, a project (for multilevel items), or a checklist (best for grocery lists).
Time Master + Billing on the iPhone keeps me on my toes as far as my freelance work goes. I am able to enter different clients, track my time, see how much I’ve made, and back up my progress to Dropbox. I’m sure there’s much more I could do with the app. It’s a hefty $9.99, but with the freelance work I’ve gotten, I’ve made my money back on the app.
Quickbooks Pro on my desktop computer has been invaluable in helping me to invoice clients. (So has PayPal, but I still go back to using Quickbooks.) With Quickbooks, I am able to customize my invoices, balance my checkbooks, generate tax forms, and much more. I primarily use Quickbooks to generate invoices, process payments received, and generally keep track of my finances regarding freelancing. Quickbooks is a huge help come tax time because it can generate various reports for me, such as mileage traveled for work, how much I’ve earned during a tax year, and my expenses during a tax year.
Finally, IKEA’s Erik filing cabinet has been helpful in organizing all my loose papers. (I’m not a paperless office!) It is sturdy and the drawers roll out smoothly. I have one Erik filing cabinet and am planning to buy another because of how well built it is. It’s $99.00 but a good investment over the cheap-o filing cabinets from Staples (of which I have one).
One of my favorite holiday movies is It’s A Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. The reason that it’s one of my favorite movies is because of the message it sends to me. Toward the end of the movie, George Bailey is down on his luck and is considering suicide. His guardian angel, Clarence, gives him the rare opportunity to see life as if he’d never been born. The insight George gains is invaluable. He sees the effect his life has on people—things he’d never thought of before. And It’s A Wonderful Life always reminds me that my life is worth something. And that I don’t know how many lives I’ve positively touched or even saved by my very existence.
In the greater scheme of things I can identify with George Bailey in the death of dreams. George’s dream was to travel the world then go off to college. Instead after his father dies, he takes the helm at the community bank his father owned. This reminded me of my dream to be a successful magazine editor in New York City. Instead I got married (a bit like George’s life) and settled in suburban Philadelphia with my husband. George too gets married to Mary and settles in his hometown of Bedford Falls instead of traveling the world. Now, George’s life didn’t turn out bad just like mine has been all right. In the end, George is reminded that family, friends, and love are what will get him through life. I’d make a slight tweak to that: God, family, friends, and love are what will get me through this life. It’s A Wonderful Life reminds me that I truly have a lot to be thankful for.
It’s a new year and my goal has been to get to the gym on the weekends. I’ve been trying to do 30 minutes or more on the elliptical. As such, there are 10 songs that I’ve selected that help me get through that crunch. In parentheses is the length of the song.
1. Free Bird: Lynyrd Skynyrd – Also on a list of songs I shouldn’t be listening to, this 10-minute power song is perfect for a warm-up that leads into an all-out energy charge. (10:08)
2. The New Workout Plan: Kanye West – This should also probably be on the list of guilty pleasures, but I really do push myself harder when he intones “double time.” (5:23)
3. King of the Dancehall: Beenie Man – The only song that I own by the Jamaican dancehall king, this is another song that’s actually crass. But the beat in the chorus helps keep me on track. (3:37)
4. Bionic: Christina Aguilera – A high-energy song from the get-go, this futuristic hi-tech sound makes for a heart-pumping few minutes. (3:21)
5. Less Talk More Rokk (Guitar Hero Version): Freezepop – Anything by Freezepop is pure techno heaven and perfect for exercising, but the slow beat at the beginning builds up like a roller coaster ride, taking you through musical twists and turns. I love this song to get my energy up then leveling it out. (4:59)
6. Bulletproof: La Roux – A dance hit during the summer of 2010, this song keeps me going nonstop for 3 straight minutes. (3:26)
7. Nothing in This World: Paris Hilton – I’ve listed Paris Hilton’s music as a guilty pleasure because, really, who should be listening to her? But thanks to some solid producers, this social heiress made a song that’s worthy of exercising to. The catchy beat revs me up on the elliptical. (3:11)
8. Oh Timbaland: Timbaland – A little known song off of Timbaland’s album Shock Value, Mr. Moseley encourages the listener to “bounce,” which is exactly what I do on the exercise machine. (3:32)
9. Come into My World: Kylie Minogue – How I could I not include a pop queen like Kylie on my list of workout songs? This song has a steady tempo that’s great for leveling energy out before cool down. (4:32)
10. Make It with You: Bread – It’s no secret that I’m a fan of soft rock, and this Bread song is perfect for slowing my heart rate down. (Or conversely, warming it up.) It’s a mellow song with great tempo. (3:14)
Almost everyone’s got songs that they listen to that they wouldn’t want to fess up to if you heard it in their car. But here I list 10 songs that I listen to that I really know I shouldn’t be.
1. Free Bird: Lynyrd Skynyrd – About a man who goes a-cheatin’ and isn’t repentant about it. There’s nothing redeeming in the song except perhaps that awesome guitar solo.
2. Turn It Up: Paris Hilton – I really shouldn’t be listening or paying attention to anything Paris Hilton does, but I love the beat in this song. Her voice is a tad annoying and breathy, but I can get past it.
3. Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey: Paul McCartney – This song is stupid and makes no sense. “Butter pie?” But I grew up with Paul McCartney as a solo artist and absolutely love the silliness of the song. The silliness and stupidity are what endear it to me.
4. Only Thing I Ever Get for Christmas: Justin Bieber – I always feel a bit like a teenage girl listening to the Biebs. I’m in my thirties. I really ought not to be listening to someone a full decade younger but gosh darn it, he’s so cute!
5. Hot Tottie: Usher featuring Jay-Z – Another song with no moral redeeming value. It’s about cheating too. But Usher’s singing is so sexy, the beat gets my body moving, and Jay-Z’s rap is clever (if not crass). It’s a song I really shouldn’t be listening to.
6. Circles: Christina Aguilera – On the same album in which she sings about loving, not hating, this song is totally about flipping the bird. “Spin around in circles on my middle, middle finger” is not really something I should be listening to but the playfulness of the song draws me in. Even if she ends it with a fine point like “motherf****r.”
7. Gangnam Style: Psy – This man could be talking about pooping on my mother for all I know since I don’t understand Korean. But I love doing that crazy horse dance. This will probably fall off my guilty pleasures list once Psy’s 15 minutes of fame are up, but I’m enjoying the song while it lasts.
8. Cheers (Drink to That): Rihanna – A song that celebrates drowning your misery in alcohol. I’m not an alcoholic (or much of an alcohol drinker) so I don’t know why I’m drawn to the song. (It may be the sample of Avril Lavigne’s “Yeah Yeah” from “I’m With You” that draws me in.) But I love to play it at the end of the long week and sing “Cheers to the freakin’ weekend.” Bonus points if I’ve got a beer in hand while listening to the song.
9. Hungry Like the Wolf / Rio: Glee Cast – Glee manages to do a bang-up job mashing up these two amazing Duran Duran songs. I don’t even watch Glee (I’ve seen a few episodes though) but I discovered this mix and haven’t looked back. I love singing along to this.
10. Reggae Strut: Neil Diamond – A Jewish boy from Brooklyn donning a bad Jamaican accent. Need I say more?
Speechless, speechless, that’s how you make me feel… —Michael Jackson
If I could rewrite my very first blog post on this blog, I’d start out by quoting Michael Jackson’s song “Speechless.” Because, really, speechless is how that intimidating, blinking cursor makes me feel. I have nothing to say. No words come to mind. In fact, I originally wrote this post on paper and transferred it to the computer by typing it out. There’s something about the feel of a pen gliding across paper that puts me at ease and allows me to express my thoughts more freely.
So in the end, I guess I’m not so speechless after all, eh?
I’ve put together a musical playlist of my life and what I hope my future entails. The following 10 songs express some kind of hope, things that I’ve gone through, or how I feel. They are in no particular order.
I originally had 25 songs listed (!) and cut it down to a top 10. I hope you click on some of the songs and enjoy.
I grew up with a great many things back in the 1980s through 2000s. But technology has progressed rapidly since then and I’ve compiled a short list of things my children (if I ever have any) will never know.
1. A typewriter
2. Jem & the Holograms
3. VHS
4. Tube televisions
5. Getting up from my seat to change the channel (before remote controls were ubiquitous)
6. 8-track player
7. Reel-to-reel music
8. Mix tapes (especially taping music off of the radio)
9. Napster (when it was cool)
10. A rotary phone
11. Life without a cell phone
12. Using physical books in the library to perform research
13. Duck Hunt (a Nintendo game)
14. Great comedians like Bob Hope and George Burns
15. Walkman or a Discman
16. Dot-matrix printer (or waiting more than a minute for a full sheet of paper to be printed)
17. Floppy disks (the 3.5 hard ones and the actual 5.25 floppies)
18. Who Shot J.R.? (aka nighttime soaps like Dynasty, Falcon Crest, and Dallas)
Anything else you can think of adding?
I joined Weight Watchers online and find my points incredibly restrictive and rather tough to stick to. I made the mistake of blowing my daily AND weekly points on one meal. Not even salads are guaranteed to be all right if it’s got protein.
And I guess that’s my problem with Weight Watchers—I feel like I’m sometimes penalized for eating meat. I’m not giving up Weight Watchers because I’ve been on it before and successfully lost 10 pounds on the plan so I hope for a triumphant recurrence of that. Can you believe a Lean Cuisine is 7 points? A Lean Cuisine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I’ve only got 7 points left over for another Lean Cuisine of 2 snacks. Managing my points is difficult because I have so few. You’d think I don’t have much weight to lose but I’d like to lose a good 40 pounds. (Honestly, I used to shoot for 70 pounds but I don’t think that’s realistic anymore.) I know I won’t be able to keep that kind of weight off without exercise. So my plan is to go to the gym (Planet Fitness) on the weekends and do at least a half-hour of cardio with one strength training session per week (using a Jackie Warner video). This is me starting out small so I don’t get overwhelmed by some impossible goal of attempting to exercise 5 days a week when realistically I’m lucky if I exercise 1 day a week.
I guess that’s one of the important things about goals:
Start off small.
I’m using Health Month to help me make a difference in my physical and spiritual life. I set up “rules” that I must adhere to a certain number of times per week or else I lose points. It’s been a rather effective way of helping me to develop new habits such as exercising one a week, getting to the gym (that I’m paying for) once a week, and reading my Bible and praying at least 4 times a week. It’s free to join and set up 3 rules. More than 3 rules and you’d have to pay a month-to-month or yearly plan.
Weight Watchers Mobile, in combination with My Fitness Pal, is another tool in my arsenal of dieting weapons. It’s a shame that Weight Watchers Mobile is sorely lacking where My Fitness Pal (a free app) shines like gold. My biggest complaint about Weight Watchers Mobile is that the database is only searchable with personal user data and the data Weight Watchers selects. If another user inputs data, that information isn’t searchable by anyone else except that particular user. The great thing about My Fitness Pal is that users from all over the United States put in nutritional information about products and anyone can access that information. It’s a shame My Fitness Pal has this feature for free whereas a premium site like Weight Watchers has kind of put the kibosh on such sharing of information through their database.
Another dumb thing about Weight Watchers Mobile is that their bar code scanner is a completely separate application while My Fitness Pal has the bar code scanner built into its app. In My Fitness Pal, the bar code scanner is functional and easy to use. Why am I on Weight Watchers, you might ask, since I seem to be pissing and moaning about the plan and its mobile apps?
The plan works. It has worked for me in the past. I have yet to lose any weight using My Fitness Pal. (In fact, I’ve gained weight!)
YouVersion is my go-to app for all things spiritual. It has a variety of Bible reading plans I can choose from, but I choose to go at my own pace, which is slower than reading the Bible in a year. I love the fact that certain translations are downloadable for offline use so that even when I don’t have an Internet connection (or possess a crappy one), that no longer hampers my ability to read the Bible anywhere. I most frequently use the English Standard Version (ESV) with the New American Standard Bible (NASB) coming up as a close second.
So Health Month, Weight Watchers Mobile, My Fitness Pal, and YouVersion are a few tools that I am using to stay on track physically and spiritually.
“For a long time, I didn’t have any self-esteem,” William began.
That’s the first line to one of my favorite books that I go back to time and time again: When People Are Big and God Is Small. A few paragraphs down, author Ed Welch writes:
The problem was William’s reputation. It was what other people though about… him. Call it what you like—reputation, peer pressure, people-pleasing, codependency—William’s life was controlled by other people.
How true this is of me! How often can someone who doesn’t like me make or break my day by saying hi or snubbing me.
I’ve written about self-esteem and self-confidence before and how I think it is biblical to love yourself. Ed Welch argues somewhat differently in his book, saying that we need to find out worth in God through Jesus Christ, something I don’t necessarily disagree with. I believe in loving God first, yourself next, then loving others. It’s a natural progression. I believe loving others can only come from loving the primary people first (God and yourself).
I struggle with self-esteem and what others think of me. I’ve referred to my inferiority complex before. I’m not sure where my self-esteem issues stemmed from. I’m an only child so I could be one of two personalities: insecure with low self-esteem or arrogant with inflated self-esteem. I have a theory that people with siblings are likely to be a bit more balanced.
So I can definitely identify with William above. Self-esteem is probably an issue I’ll always struggle with.
The older I get, the more I see race. I really shouldn’t since I’m in an interracial marriage, but I’m well aware of when I’m the only black person around. The best moment are when I forget I’m black and just feel like a person (only around close family).
But sometimes when I’m working, race creeps into my mind. Did that person choose to ignore me because she’s white and I’m black? Does this person not like me because I’m a different race? Why am I in an office full of white people?
My increased thoughts of race aren’t really that great in a society that should be so past this. But I get excited when I see a person of color in my community because we are so few. I get even more excited to see Hispanics (of which there are fewer).
I grew up on Long Island, New York where everything was mixed and integrated. White people walked into bodegas, Jamaican people served beef patties to Hispanics, and black people lived peacefully in traditionally white communities. I never though about race much because people mixed so freely. Then I moved to Pennsylvania where people aren’t really prejudiced but still remains somewhat segregated. I’ve gotten looks from white toddlers who simply stare at me, probably because I’m the darkest face they’ve ever seen in their entire lives. (I’ll think that over the fact that I may be the ugliest person they’ve ever seen in their entire lives.) When I see a black woman with white children, it’s usually (but not always) the nanny.
Yes, I live in a community affluent enough to afford nannies. They’re not always black; sometimes they have Eastern European accents.
I don’t know how to stop seeing race. I’m not a Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton advocate—quick to point the finger to discrimination but sometimes I wonder how my race has played a factor in certain things in the past couple of years.
Maybe it’s the curse of this fallen world that I’ll see race play a prominent role as I get older. I think Barack Obama became president (and was re-elected) because he is black. I’ve lost black friends because I vocally opposed his candidacy the first time around. In the end, our differences came down to… race.
I’ve probably said before that in some ways, I’m more comfortable around white people because in my experience, they are not as outwardly judgmental as my black peers are. I’ve had people show up to my wedding and not show up to the reception after discovering that my husband is white. I have family that hasn’t treated my husband with the respect he deserves, and I suspect it is because of his pale skin color. All the people I am thinking of are black.
I should not be self-conscious. I should be secure in my own skin. I should not let others make me feel inferior with my consent. There’s a lot of should nots. But what should I do?
I always feel helpless when I’m on an airplane. There’s something about not seeing the pilots (to whom I have entrusted my life) that freaks me out. At least I can look at a bus driver and evaluate whether I want to be on a bus for a short period of time. Sometimes I’ll even get glimpses of train conductors (who, in my opinion, tend to be scruffy). Usually I don’t get to meet the pilots until the end of a flight, but that doesn’t do me any good by that point. I know they’re going through their pre-flight checks before takeoff (which are highly important, of course), but gosh, meeting a pilot and knowing he doesn’t have alcohol in his system would really put me at ease.
So what do I do so I don’t have a freaking panic attack? I pray.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. (Psalm 20:7)
Maybe I could change that to a modern version:
Some trust in cars and some in planes, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
It is a good verse to remember for transportation. I pray and give up everything to God and hope in him for the safety and protection of myself and all on board.
For he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. (Psalm 103:14)
God is sovereign over all things and he was sovereign when planes hit the World Trade Center and he was also sovereign when US Airways Flight 1549 miraculously landed on the Hudson. God watches over each and every plane that takes off, lands, or even sadly, disappears. This is my consolation when I am helpless:
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. (Philippians 1:21)
Not that I live on the edge of life in the hopes of attaining “gain,” so to speak, but if anything were to happen, I am reminded that I’d receive something better than this present life.
But, hey, I still pray for a safe takeoff, flight, and landing.
Faith plays an odd role in my life. It’s the thing that has brought me back from the brink of death. In case you’re not aware, I’m a born-again Christian who believes in Jesus Christ as her lord and savior. Or in more politically correct terms, I’m a Jesus follower. I believe in the teachings and commandments of Jesus. I believe that he has fulfilled Old Testament law and that I don’t need to adhere to everything to be a good Christian.
I used to think, in order to be a good Christian, that it was necessary to pray every day and read the Bible every day, but Jesus didn’t say any of those things. Jesus said the ultimate commandments were to love God and love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37-40).
Faith, for me, is sort of an odd duck. I have it. Then I don’t. It’s a process. I believe in God, but I’m lousy at attending church regularly. I read the Bible as often as I can (though not every day), and I pray as I think of it.
There was a time I would’ve said faith was central to my well-being. And in some ways, it still is. It’s one of the most important things in my life. But if I’m honest, I don’t rank God first through my actions. He’s often secondary to other things. I don’t mean for things to be that way. I try to put God and government first when it comes to money (although, if I’m honest, the government comes first most of the time). But when it comes to time, God only gets a small portion of it. He should really get a much larger portion but I don’t know how to spend time with him that isn’t meaningless.
Maybe I should just sit in silence and see how he speaks to me.
One of my favorite quotes is the following:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” —Eleanor Roosevelt
It’s a quote I revisit time and time again because I always have this habit of feeling inferior to others. It’s an awful habit—one I’m trying to kick.
When I was in my 20s, I promised myself that when I turned 30, I’d suddenly care less what other people thought of me. That hasn’t happened yet. I’m learning that not caring about what other people think of me is a process. I succeed sometimes; other times I fail miserably. I can’t continue to see myself as the pimply little teenager who was self-conscious about everything people said about her (although I am the same person). If someone called me a lesbian today, now I’d laugh and sort of embrace it. I’m secure in my marriage (to my husband who is, yes, a guy and always has been) and in my sexuality. People can think what they want to think but at the end of the day, I have to focus on the opinions of those closest to me. And these are the people who really matter.
See? Like I said, I have my moments when I can simply “let go” of what others think of me.
I think my feelings of inferiority are also tired to my sleeping pattern. Depending on how much (or little) sleep I get, people can really get to me. I suspect this is what the saying of “waking up on the wrong side of the bed” means.
I often give my uninformed consent to feel inferior. But perhaps Mrs. Roosevelt said what she said because she struggled so much with it herself. I don’t know at what age she said it but I’m pretty sure she was older than 30. However, I recognize getting over an inferiority complex is a process. One that I will not be perfect at, but by the grace of God, will get better at.
Changes are afoot. I may have the opportunity to work an editing job regularly. This is something I’m somewhat excited about because I enjoy editing and I’ve been told I’m good and reliable. But there’s a part of me that is afraid. Afraid that I’ll be found out to be a fraud in the line of work that I want to do.
A few years ago, my now retired boss called me up and asked me what I wanted to do with my life. The question caught me off guard so I babbled on about having a family, having children, being a mom. Not that I don’t still want those things, but at 30, I now have a clearer picture of what I want to do with my life apart from mothering. I want to be an editor and a writer. I want to write another novel and I want to edit other pieces. Whether I’ll eventually have to choose between editing and my library job, I know not. Frankly, I don’t want to choose. I enjoy them both on different levels.
I may get a regular schedule for a month or two depending on the workload. We’ll see how it works out. It would be nice to have another source of steady income even if it is only for 1 to 2 months.
But I do have an editing business and I would like for it to “take off.” What that looks like, I’m not sure to be quite honest (because, really, I would lie to you). So far, my editing business consists of two advertising agencies, one occasional client, and a past client. I guess two ad agencies is a full load especially with a part-time library job, but I like having things to do during my off hours at night and on the weekends. I like being so busy, I don’t know what to do next. Although it does provide a source of stress.
So if I could go back in time and answer my former boss’s question today, I’d say, “I’d like to write and edit. I’d like to build up a clientele of people I edit for and I’d like to be able to write on the side.” Whether that would have been enough of a satisfactory answer to score the editing job that I got passed over for, I don’t know but it’s the answer that I’d give and the answer that I think I’d stand by 10 years from now. Things change but my basic skills, gifts, and talents haven’t changed; they’ve only evolved over time. Hopefully for the better.
This Journey Is My Own 