Attempting to live and breathe for an audience of one
I’ve been going through an incredibly difficult time on a personal level and have been really struggling in my faith. I often function based on feelings (yeah, yeah, I know, feelings aren’t reliable) and lately I’ve had the need to feel that God loves me. And I’m constantly met with… silence. Continue reading “Are You There, God? I’d Really Like An Answer.”
I’ve been a dedicated viewer of the new NBC series “The Voice” this season, and I’m thrilled to know that it’s doing so well that it’s been picked up for a second season. (I tend to kill brand-new shows simply by becoming a dedicated viewer as exemplified by the death of Martha Stewart’s “The Apprentice” and “Vanished.”) I was drawn to the show because of the star-studded coaches—one in particular really—and ended up loving the contestants.
I’m a huge Christina Aguilera fan. Haven’t always been that way (didn’t care for her “Genie in a Bottle” days), but after listening to the Stripped album (from her so-called skanky days), I became a dedicated fan. I don’t love all of her songs and it’s not that the girl can do no wrong in my eyes, but I’ve always seen her as a smart, strong female apart from her smart, strong vocals. Compared to Jessica Simpson and some of her other contemporaries, I know she’s not a dumb bottle blonde.
So when I heard Xtina was going to be one of the coaches on the new show, I was thrilled. After the debacle with bungling The Star-Spangled Banner lyrics, I couldn’t wait to see Xtina brush the dirt off her skirt, get back up, and woo us back to her by guiding other talented artists. For me, Xtina was the biggest draw into watching “The Voice” and I could have cared less about the other coaches, Cee Lo, Adam Levine (frontman for Maroon 5), and country singer Blake Shelton.
I’ve watched every single episode of “The Voice” this season, and while I can go into in-depth detail about why I love the show (maybe in another blog post), this post is really about how disappointed I am to see Christina living up to her diva/prima donna status (and I mean that in the bad sense of the word).
I know she’s been pretty self-absorbed and narcissistic all season long (her boobs always play a prominent role in each episode), but her height of conceit really came to a head for me at the show finale when all of my respect for her as a person came crashing down.
During the 2-hour long finale in which the remaining four contestants performed, Xtina looked dour and her comments for others were curt as if she seemed upset that one of the other contestants would beat her shining star, rocker Beverly McClellan.
Each of the coaches sung a duet with their final artist and Christina chose one of her favorite songs—“Beautiful,” her very own chart-topper! Of course, Beverly was simply honored to share such a fantastic song with the original singer and songwriter (Linda Perry), but Christina would expect nothing less because the song is so amazing. (Which it is but it’s totally another thing to shamelessly promote yourself like that.)
Then upon the conclusion of Beverly’s energetic performance of “Love Sick,” an original song written exclusively for the finale, Xtina had perked up significantly and gave her artist an enthusiastic standing ovation when she barely deigned to acknowledge the other singers (who, quite frankly, had much better original songs — iTunes sales back me up on this). (Disclaimer: Bev was one of my favorites this season so don’t think I’m slamming her.) A Twitterer I follow said it best about Xtina last night:
She’s been that way the entire season. EVERYTHING she says about everyone somehow comes back to her & her career.
And upon evaluating several performances over the course of the season, he couldn’t be more correct. Watch Beverly’s performance of “Love Sick” below or skip ahead to 6:45 to see how Xtina brings Beverly’s performance and singing all back to herself.
That really did me in. As much as I love Xtina’s singing ability and many of her songs, I lost respect for her by the end of the show. She proved herself to be a narcissist and to only care about things that revolve around her. I’m pretty sad to feel this way about her especially since she’s the only female on the show and the reason I even got interested in the show in the first place. I’ll still buy her albums and still consider her smart and strong but she’s too self-absorbed for me to like as a person any more.
So when I tune in to watch the second season of “The Voice” next February, I’ll instead be tuning in to watch Adam Levine and Blake Shelton, coaches whom I have grown to love, are clearly more fun, and don’t sit on too much of a high horse. (Cee Lo’s more down-to-earth as well, but his performances are weird and he’s creepy the way he hits on all the female contestants over 18.) Based on the coaches’ picks earlier in the season, I quickly jumped on the #TeamAdam bandwagon, but based on last night’s songs and performances, I’ve suddenly (and unexpectedly) found myself joining #TeamBlake and #TeamDia. And that’s the fun of the show for me: the person you end up voting for by the end of the season just might surprise you.
Fast-forward to 1:40 to hear Dia Frampton’s original song, “Inventing Shadows” that hit number one on iTunes.
I haven’t wanted a child for long. Three years ago, I came to the stunning realization that I actually wanted to be a mother. Two years ago (as of August), we began trying.
To have a doctor utter words today about IVF (in vitro fertilization) if I’m not pregnant within the next 3–4 cycles came as a crushing blow. My husband and I will not do IVF simply because it’s too expensive.
Two to three years isn’t a long time to have a dream about children compared to other women who have been trying for twice as long. But somehow, we have already reached the point of basically being told that we’re infertile without those words being used.
I could face the rest of my married life as childless not by choice.
If the above video doesn’t work, use the following link:
The Voice – Semi-finals: Maroon 5 Featuring Christina Aguilera Sings “Moves Like Jagger” – Video – NBC.com.
I recently reviewed the resume that I used to obtain my current library position. After reviewing it, I realized that my resume wasn’t really all that impressive for position that I applied. What probably got the hiring manager (my current boss) to pick up the phone and call me for an interview was my cover letter.
The ad, from what I can recall, wanted an “enthusiastic, friendly, outgoing, and motivated” person to apply for the job. Trust me, I am all that and a bag of chips. (One of the few areas in which I am confident.) I had dreamed of being able to help patrons at the library desk since I was a library page at the tender age of 14. (smile) But my resume excelled in nothing but journalism and editorial experience. How in the world could I convince a hiring manager that someone who had a mostly solitary work experience background could translate into an energetic person who would “relish” (yes, I used that word) the opportunity to work with the public? Continue reading “Resume and Cover Letter: Starting Point; Interview: Selling Point”
“Old black water, keep on rollin’ / Mississippi moon, won’t you keep on shinin’ on me” ~”Black Water,” The Doobie Brothers
[insert insightful, funny, thoughtful, witty blog post here]
Now, for the one that’s not:
I’m always amazed at how people with blogs can generate content about themselves every . . . single . . . day. I like to talk about myself sometimes (really, who doesn’t in some form or capacity?), but I think what I generally like to do is put my opinions out there about different things and see what happens. I try to be thoughtful about what I post instead of ranting about how every driver in Southeastern Pennsylvania is set out to kill me on Wednesday afternoons. (I mean, really, people.)
But I have nothing of great importance to set forth here today. I know nothing of collective bargaining in Wisconsin and do not know if I agree with the state Supreme Court’s decision to overturn it. I am purposely ignorant of politics.
I watched Waiting for Superman the other night and found myself extremely discouraged and depressed about the public education system in America. I’ve resolved that I will homeschool children if I have any.
I should be editing a book right now instead of blogging.
I should also be cleaning this mess of a living room that has somehow turned into my office. My office mess is like a giant ocean, tethered to my desk. And then I, the hurricane, come along, pick it up, and generate the tsunami wave that crashes my mess into the nether worlds of the coffee table, couch, and kitchen table. I leave a disaster and disarray of papers in my wake. (My table surface areas never get to see the sun!)
I have a calendar still on May. I have paperwork to catch up on. Unopened bills. Receipts that haven’t been filed. Explanation of Benefits statements without a home. Checkbooks to balance. Books to read.
And when all that’s done. There’s still more to do. Like laundry. How can two people generate so much . . . ?
I feel like I’m running on a treadmill. I can never catch up. The work, at home and outside of my home, never ends.
Blah. I have nothing more to say.
I’m moving forward in trying a new church. It’s an English-speaking Korean church (ESKC) that meets about a 5-minute drive from my home and (I know this is so VAIN) has air conditioning. It’s still a part of my current denomination.
It’s got a mix of Asian (not all of them are Korean) and white members, which thrills me because I’ve bemoaned the lack of diversity at my home church for some time now. I’m tentatively moving forward in becoming more involved with the church: joining up with a softball league for July, joining community groups for Bible study, and just plain looking forward to the way God will work in that church. Maybe it will be some time before we become members. Maybe it won’t. Maybe we’ll never become members. But I’m willing to step out in faith and take the risk of making new connections. And making new connections is always messy because we are all sinful people, belief in Christ or not, and we hurt each other, sometimes far more than we ever know.
As I think about attending this ESKC, I recognize, perhaps a bit more acutely, my issues with my home church. Some of the issues are a matter of preference and the blame lies with me; the other issues aren’t sin issues but rather a culture of the church that has come to frustrate me over time.
Those are a few issues I have, the biggest problem probably exemplified by the large paragraph I devoted to it. The ESKC won’t fix all of these things nor do I expect it to. The ESKC won’t be perfect. I will find things that I don’t like about the church. (In fact, I need to before I become a member so I’m not stuck in this position again five years from now!) But it’s a matter of priorities, and while a Bible-based church is first and foremost, I want a warmer church culture where the congregants can grow with one another. Whether that will happen at the ESKC will remain to be seen.
Cousins. I’ve written about them previously. Specifically the ones on my dad’s side. My friend who recently lost her father (to leukemia) is friends with a girl who runs in the same circle as my father’s family. My friend kindly told me in not so many words that the mutual friend said “they’re not very nice people” and that “they gossip and talk about each other behind their backs.”
Well, that answers that. I don’t need that drama. I’ll only make an effort for my mom now, especially since I realize they don’t care nor respect the connection we have through my father. (That’s fine.) When my mom moves down here or if she passes on (God forbid!), I’m not going to any of their events any longer. If I have any one major pet peeve, it’s being two-faced. If you don’t give a crap about me, don’t pretend you do. Just do your thing: say you’re busy if I want to come over, say you’re occupied—tell me this enough times, I get the hint. Our lives are too short to be wasting time on people we could care less about. Don’t waste my time; I won’t waste yours.
Well, not all things are new. I just couldn’t come up with a better title.
The next two months will be busy. I will be doing things I don’t normally do. I am editing a short non-fiction book. I will be visiting friends along the East Coast. I will be traveling to a wedding in Florida. I have signed up for a summer softball league.
In August, I will be working at the library as usual and staying at home. Maybe forging ahead with that novel that burns a hole in my heart. It has not been forgotten.
What also hasn’t been forgotten is that mid-August to early October are always difficult months for me. Then I get another whammy in December. This year will mark the 10th anniversary of my father’s passing. A thin, flimsy layer of skin stretches across the hole that his death leaves in my heart, but the hole is still there. I think of him often. I guess a girl with a good dad never gets over his death.
I will be doing other challenging things that won’t be mentioned here, and whatever way it works out, it will bring some joy and grief to some extent. (A very cryptic statement, but that’s ok.)
The more I consider my personality, the more I realize I am a rather finicky, flighty sort of girl. I dabble in one thing, lose interest, and then jump into another. It’s the reason I read 10 or more books at one time.
It’s also the reason why I believe Jesus Christ is real. Thirteen years, and I haven’t given him up yet. (Or rather, he hasn’t given me up yet.) I haven’t given up my husband either, but I’m pretty loyal to people I know. (Whether he gives me up remains to be seen.) 😉
Well, maybe not all things are new. Sometimes, some old things should be appreciated for the value and worth they hold.
On January 4, I promised to revisit my 2011 resolutions to see how I was doing. Most people have forgotten about their resolutions by now but I’ve mark it on my calendar to revisit these goals on June 4 (okay, I’m a day late) and December 4. Here they are in all their uncompleted glory:
I’m not opposed to creating new goals and resolutions and dropping others as the year goes along. Upon today’s reevaluation of these resolutions from January, here are my goals are for December:
In six months, I completed one of my goals. Many of these are attainable; others I don’t expect to actually complete as they are ongoing processes that will be on my annual list year after year (exercise and losing weight). But in the future, I hope that spotty church attendance becomes less of an issue.
This Journey Is My Own 